Ssy Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I’m 24 and my husband is 26. We’ve been together for 5 years married 11 months. We have a 3 year old girl. We planned to get married a year before I found out I was pregnant. When I fell pregnant we postponed to have the baby first (financial issues). We’re both working and have fairly good jobs. We’re Xhosa’s from South Africa and live in South Africa. It is tradition when you fall pregnant and are unmarried to introduce yourself to the girl’s family as the father and support the girl financially or pay whatever amount to the family to assist with the pregnancy and the baby/mother’s needs. When it came down to introducing himself to the family, he had all sorts of excuses (one being that it wasn’t even tradition to do that but a formality). I gave birth and my family never met him, they just knew him from what I told them about him. I was seen as the girl who fell pregnant and was abandoned by the father. I lived through that, loved my husband and didn’t care what my family said. I gave birth by C-section and had to pay all the hospital bills, doctor fees, buy the baby clothes myself because I was smart enough to prepare for the baby. I was on medical aid as well and he wasn’t so that cut the expenses in half for me. I went home with the baby (being a first time mom) and received NO help from my husband. Waking up at night for the feedings was torture, cleaning the baby and the house. I had an operation that hurt so much every time I moved. He wouldn’t even get up to pass the baby to me so I could feed her (I moved her cot into our bedroom). He just slept through it all. I took three months from work to look after the baby. I couldn’t stay longer because I couldn’t afford it. From the day my baby was born she has been my responsibility financially and in all other ways. I never want to have children again (not after the pain I went through) I have to beg and annoy to get him to see that I need help. I’ve taken life insurance for her and he refuses because he doesn’t see the point. After I gave birth I went and bought a car to make getting around easy for me and the baby. He doesn’t have a car, but I always treat it like it’s our car because we’re married and I love him. He’s lazy, never helps out around the house or with the baby. He doesn’t even make the bed when he wakes up. Wakes up late and I’m always late for work to the point where I got a warning and I have to take a taxi (AM STILL PAYING FOR THE F*&**N car he’s using). He complain about everything, from the way he’s clothes are ironed , how he’s food is made , why I didn’t get around to doing something he asked me to do , to how much effort I put into sex (he always says If I haven’t done it I shouldn’t give him excuses). He wants to be respected and treated like the man of the house and he doesn’t even try to assist. All he ever cares about is sex and I always tell him that we’re broken and sex isn’t going to fix our problems. His family actually thinks everything we have is because of him. I’ve actually reached a point where I just don’t care. He’s not physically abusive but did hit me once and then promised never to do it again. He said that I bring out the worst in him. He told me he’s bored so I let him go out to the places he won’t be bored. He spends his money on anything he feels like buying, while I’m stuck with all the expenses, from the baby, to insurance, car installments, school fees for the baby, my school fees (furthering my studies) and every other thing that goes on around the house. Painting the house is my problem, fixing broken door and washing machines (I always say, it can’t be that hard to fix it. So I grab my tools and start hammering and he’ll just look at me and play he’s video games or sleep) . He always has business ideas that never go anywhere and I always support him and I’m currently helping him with his latest business venture (I’ll make sure that it gets off the ground). He has a kid with another woman (from before we met). For a while I sent money to assist the mother with the kid and actually helped her get a proper job by offering accommodation in our flat for three months. He never did send money and the mother was always complaining. At my home children always get new clothes for Christmas day. When I asked him to buy clothes for his child, he told to but out it’s not my baby and I should stop involving myself in his child’s life. Christmas came and the little boy didn’t have new clothes for Christmas and mine did (that didn’t sit well with husband’s family, seemed like I didn’t care). We tried counseling and he chose him. After three sessions he wanted me to pay for it and I can’t afford it. We stopped going and when I asked why, he told me it was because the shrink was more on my side than his. We’ve drifted further apart and I’ve actually told him that I want us to part ways because I’m miserable and I don’t want to try anymore. I’m thinking of my child and my family (because my mom put so much into the marriage). I’ve spoken to him about this and it doesn’t make a difference. Every time I voice anything he goes and buys me flowers and chocolates. (That just makes me laugh). I’ve even weekend getaways for two but they are financially draining on my part. Love just isn’t enough, I want out (11 month or not).
Author Ssy Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I don't want to give up so soon (for my daughter and family), but my heart is no longer in it. Just looking for advise. Someone else's view. Have I given enough or do I need to try harder?
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don't want to give up so soon (for my daughter and family), but my heart is no longer in it. Just looking for advise. Someone else's view. Have I given enough or do I need to try harder? Look, I know you don't want to give up too soon but your husband is a different breed and he treats you like crap. Your child needs a stable and loving environment.. You can provide that - Without him! Your child sees the distance and the resentment your husband has towards you. That's not good to see or feel. He said that I bring out the worst in him. Divorce. He also has hit you and later in the future who knows if he'll do it again..Especially since he's told you you bring out the worst in him! The marriage isn't worth saving and your husband certainly doesn't deserve a chance unless HE changes himself and becomes a better husband to you, a better father, a better family man. He's let you down on ALL levels.
RiverRunning Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don't want to give up so soon (for my daughter and family), but my heart is no longer in it. Just looking for advise. Someone else's view. Have I given enough or do I need to try harder? Ssy, first I want to congratulate you on the generosity you have shown to your daughter's half-brother: helping to care for this little boy and assisting his mother is a REMARKABLE attitude and you deserve all kinds of props for that. That shows some very generous and remarkable personality traits on your behalf. Unfortunately, you may have shown too much of that kindness to your good-for-nothing husband. Someone acting out violently, ONCE, and only a slap or hurt - to immediately regret it, vow to never do it again, and seek help for it is not what I would call physically abusive. VERY stupid. If it ever happens again, though, you pack your bags for that reason and that reason alone. But I'm not going to focus too much on a one-time incident, even if I feel it would be enough for me to leave. He doesn't do anything. He sounds like a lazy slob who won't work and thinks he can just give you chocolate to make up for his numerous deficiencies. If nothing else, Ssy, I would make a list of things he needs to turn around if this marriage is going to work: maybe a part-time job to start (even if it's just in a crappy little place), caring for your daughter (taking turns bathing her/feeding her/etc.), you name it. And set a deadline for this. Give him, say, 3 months to find any type of reliable employment. And let him know that if he falters in any way, he is done for. Period. There's no excuse that he can't get a crappy job and help take care of his daughter. Sure, his son is also a priority, but his son isn't really your responsibility. Start making your exit plan, OP. Maybe not divorce yet, but start thinking about alternative living arrangements, taking your car back (take the keys from him. Is it in your name or is it also in his?), etc. Talk to family and friends and muster up as much support as you can. To be honest, it sounds like he was total garbage before you married and he's still immature, childish garbage. He needs to grow up fast. Unfortunately, I think that all the signs that he wouldn't grow up were right there in front of you after he had his first child.
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 It is not as simple as just divorcing. Realities in South Africa make that a rather complicated affair. Both in terms of making a living (unless you are a professional you are screwed in such a situation), as well as cultural norms. Absent fathers are almost the norm and not the exception. I am sure divorce still carries a huge social stigma with it and that will greatly affect Ssy, either directly or through her family. Oh, and don't be surprised if he is involved with other (underage!) girls and women. In South Africa, that means a gigantic risk of getting infected with HIV. It makes a huge difference, for all practical intents and purposes if Ssy lives in a big city or somewhere in the countryside. It does seem that you make enough money to afford your own place and are able to provide for your child, without any help from your husband. But that is perhaps only true to a limited extent. Schools tend to be either insanely expensive, or of such a poor quality that you have to wonder what "education" your child will get in the first place. In that respect having additional resources (child support) will be crucial to help and pay the bills. Ideally of course you would divorce and be completely independent from this man. Practically, you have to carefully consider how divorce would impact not only on you and your daughter, but also on your family. What is your family's position on divorce? And can you live financially independent from your husband?
Author Ssy Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Thanks for the response. My husband has a good job, but in his head I need to spend all my money before he can help me financially. He wants to quit his job to start a new business. He doesn't want to buy a car because its just easier to use mine (its new and he doesn't have to pay for it). My family would see a divorce as a big embarrassment and I've actually spoken to som family members and all they had to say is that I should hang in there and not embarrass them.
CarrieT Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I've actually spoken to som family members and all they had to say is that I should hang in there and not embarrass them. You have to live your life for YOU - not to keep from embarrassing your family... Read the title of your post: YOU WANT OUT. And then read all the rationale you are going through trying to stay. Seems you have already made the decision emotionally and know in your heart it is hopeless, but have a litany of excuses and reasons to try and hold on when you know it isn't going to work. I'm sorry for the pain and anguish, but I believe you should start working on an exit plan as best you can.
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I'm sorry for the pain and anguish, but I believe you should start working on an exit plan as best you can. This is absolutely true. You have to do what is right for yourself and your daughter. That being said, it is not the case that South Africa is just a country like the US or the UK. The rule of law is not enshrined to the same extent, and cultural norms for non-Whites in particular are way different to those of people living in the US or the UK. Economically speaking, if you have to survive on the equivalent of say $700 - $800 (R5000 - R6000) a month (I seem to recall that a teacher only makes about $1000 a month), divorce is not an easy option. If you are talking about surviving on double that, that is much easier. If you don't have money to spare to go to court, don't count on getting child support from your husband. Ideally you would avoid your husband quitting his jobs at all costs, since that would make him dependent on you. That would make him more prone to abuse you, physically and emotionally. You have to carefully weigh your options, build your support network, before you try to get out. The more financially independent you are, the easier this will be. Once those are taken care off, do file for divorce.
Recommended Posts