iris219 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don’t typically care who or how many when it comes to someone’s dating life before me. As long as they’ve practiced safe sex and are STD free, it’s a clean slate when I meet someone. Usually. But what do you do when you discover your date has hooked up with someone you know and you find the whole situation distasteful? Jealously isn’t really the issue; it’s more disapproval (I know we don’t get to approve who our partners slept with before us, but still…) Is there one person who would cause you to end it if you found out your date hooked up with him/her before you? (Maybe one of your family members, the town slut, someone you have an antagonistic work relationship with, etc.) Or, would it be an overreaction to do so? If it made you uncomfortable, but you didn't want to end it, how would you get past your judgment of the situation?
mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don’t typically care who or how many when it comes to someone’s dating life before me. As long as they’ve practiced safe sex and are STD free, it’s a clean slate when I meet someone. Usually. But what do you do when you discover your date has hooked up with someone you know and you find the whole situation distasteful? Jealously isn’t really the issue; it’s more disapproval (I know we don’t get to approve who our partners slept with before us, but still…) Is there one person who would cause you to end it if you found out your date hooked up with him/her before you? (Maybe one of your family members, the town slut, someone you have an antagonistic work relationship with, etc.) Or, would it be an overreaction to do so? If it made you uncomfortable, but you didn't want to end it, how would you get past your judgment of the situation? women do it all the time and usually get away with because they have so many options. the more attractive the women, the more she can get away with. ladies have ended dates quickly when they find out that i'm 40 and don't have a past at all. rather than get to know the person they make assumptions. 1
Emilia Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I'm an adult so I know a lot of the 'disapproval' would be a reflection of my own insecurities more than anything else. The only exception is family members, that would be a dealbreaker. I'm sure I've made choices over the years some people would disapprove of, pretty certain that's the case with most with an active dating life.
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) Jealously isn’t really the issue; I would beg to differ... to me it would be entirely based on Jealously if someone was to breakup for that reason. Introspection at this point might be appropriate to find out what triggered the Jealously. Edited May 20, 2012 by Art_Critic
Author iris219 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I'm an adult so I know a lot of the 'disapproval' would be a reflection of my own insecurities more than anything else. The only exception is family members, that would be a dealbreaker. I'm sure I've made choices over the years some people would disapprove of, pretty certain that's the case with most with an active dating life. I try to be self-aware, so this is definitely worth considering, but I'm not sure. She is much younger, but there's more to it than that. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable. I would beg to differ... to me it would be entirely based on Jealously if someone was to breakup for that reason. Introspection at this point might be appropriate to find out what triggered the Jealously. Jealously definitely seems like a factor. I don’t think it’s mere jealously. Knowing I could hook up with (not sure they actually had sex) the same guy this particular girl has makes me very uncomfortable because we aren’t supposed to be in the same dating pool. She’s very young and I knew her in the past from a position of authority. I think of her as a child because of the relationship I had with her. I am very grossed out by the thought of having physical contact with the same man she did. I’ve met the women or knew of the women my dates dated before me and I may have felt a tinge of jealously, but I didn't feel nearly repulsed. I almost feel like I could never have physical contact with this man now. I’ve had exes who dated beautiful and successful women and it didn’t bother me to the point where I considered ending it. Am I overreacting now?
mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I try to be self-aware, so this is definitely worth considering, but I'm not sure. She is much younger, but there's more to it than that. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s mere jealously. Knowing I could hook up with (not sure they actually had sex) the same guy this particular girl has makes me very uncomfortable because we aren’t supposed to be in the same dating pool. She’s very young and I knew her in the past from a position of authority. I think of her as a child because of the relationship I had with her. I am very grossed out by the thought of having physical contact with the same man she did. I’ve met the women or knew of the women my dates dated before me and I may have felt a tinge of jealously, but I didn't feel nearly repulsed. I almost feel like I could never have physical contact with this man now. I’ve had exes who dated beautiful and successful women and it didn’t bother me to the point where I considered ending it. Am I overreacting now? women are so obsessed with a man's past. no wonder we live in such a ****ed up society.
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 If it made you uncomfortable, but you didn't want to end it, how would you get past your judgment of the situation? Get is out there, process it and resolve it, whether to acceptance or terminating the relationship. What I would 'want' is a healthy relationship and, if that's not possible, IMO it's better to be alone.
mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 You have to remember that women would end it based on your past. But if you end it because of theirs they will get offended and curse you out. And if they do that, men will all join her side. Its just the way things work. I won't ever say anything about my past to women anymore or admit answer any questions on myself. I ask about her. She only cares for herself and that leads her to believe I like her-I don't-which leads to me having sex with her. And I can keep it going for a long time if I wanted to. But women are boring once you finish having sex with them. They are boring to listen to and boring to have sex with. So why stick around? Fly away and never look back. women do end it based on pasts, but they are no more or less boring than men.
Author iris219 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Get is out there, process it and resolve it, whether to acceptance or terminating the relationship. What I would 'want' is a healthy relationship and, if that's not possible, IMO it's better to be alone. Are you suggesting that I discuss this with him? I'm afraid he'll think I'm irrational and/or insecure. If I brought it up it might seem as though I am accusing him of wrongdoing when he didn't do anything wrong (just something I don't like/agree with). Or do you think this is something I need to process and resolve on my own? How would I do this?
d'Arthez Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Since you imply there is a bit of a generational gap between you and the girl this guy has been involved with, my question would be what you feel about the judgment of the guy? Was he like a 27-year old trying to hook up with a 17-year old? The issue seems to be that because you see yourself as a mother figure, you are repulsed by the idea of getting involved with your "daughter's" ex-boyfriend. That is probably a "normal" reaction, since it almost borders on an incestuous taboo. Discussing it with the guy will only make it worse - there is nothing he can do about it, and it is not the case that he did anything wrong. Either you need to stop looking at this girl as some kind of daughter figure, or you need to give this guy a miss.
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 So, the man in question dated/had sex with a student or subordinate of yours (OP) who was much younger? Barring illegal activity, what's the issue with that? Does he present himself as a mature and healthy male in the here and now? How about his family? If he is mature and healthy, he'll have no problem addressing your concerns, though he might form a similar question to that you asked, are you over-reacting? Absent further information, I tend to think you are. That said, if the situation is an issue in your relationship, whether disclosed or undisclosed, it's still an issue. You have choices. In a relationship, I tend to favor teamwork. Get the issues out and resolve them. If you don't agree with something he did in the past, that's valid. He can respect that and still love you and likewise for you. It doesn't have to be either or.
gaius Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don’t think it’s mere jealously. Knowing I could hook up with (not sure they actually had sex) the same guy this particular girl has makes me very uncomfortable because we aren’t supposed to be in the same dating pool. She’s very young and I knew her in the past from a position of authority. I think of her as a child because of the relationship I had with her. I am very grossed out by the thought of having physical contact with the same man she did. I get this. I kind of separate people I know into groups, some are in my group and others are not. I would have a problem dating a girl long term if she messed with someone I didn't think was in my group. Not really a rational feeling, but one that's there. I think it's as good a reason as any to end something if you can't find a way to get comfortable with it. If you're turned off then you're turned off.
Author iris219 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) Since you imply there is a bit of a generational gap between you and the girl this guy has been involved with, my question would be what you feel about the judgment of the guy? Was he like a 27-year old trying to hook up with a 17-year old? The issue seems to be that because you see yourself as a mother figure, you are repulsed by the idea of getting involved with your "daughter's" ex-boyfriend. That is probably a "normal" reaction, since it almost borders on an incestuous taboo. Discussing it with the guy will only make it worse - there is nothing he can do about it, and it is not the case that he did anything wrong. Either you need to stop looking at this girl as some kind of daughter figure, or you need to give this guy a miss. He’s late 30s, she’s 21. It’s not the age difference that bothers me. They’re both adults. It’s the capacity in which I knew her, so yes I agree with you that something seems taboo or wrong with it. Barring illegal activity, what's the issue with that? Does he present himself as a mature and healthy male in the here and now? How about his family? Another issue is that she seemed uncomfortable with it as well. I almost felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong. He's pretty immature, so I'm not surprised he'd date a 21 year old, not that all older men who date young girls are immature. I'm OK with the age difference. I get this. I kind of separate people I know into groups, some are in my group and others are not. I would have a problem dating a girl long term if she messed with someone I didn't think was in my group. Not really a rational feeling, but one that's there. I think it's as good a reason as any to end something if you can't find a way to get comfortable with it. If you're turned off then you're turned off. Thanks for understanding. I agree that how I feel might not be rational or logical, but I can't help how I feel. I could probably suppress my feelings, but it will be there in the back of my mind. Maybe after some time has passed I'll get over it? Edited May 20, 2012 by iris219
mickleb Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I get this. I do think it's as d'Arthez says it is. Logic is really not the only factor to be considered when forming relationships with people. Seems it highlights your view of him as 'immature', though, and that's a logical conclusion you seem to have made. You could still talk it through with him, though. Nothing to lose and, maybe, something to learn.
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I would not date a man who dated someone that much younger than them. A man in his late 30's dating a women in her early 20's would gross me out too. I personally view it as a sign of poor character. I don't care that society gives it a pass. I want men who want an equal. Not a little girl... It speaks to the dynamics he prefers, and I'd want no part of that.
kaylan Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I get this. I kind of separate people I know into groups, some are in my group and others are not. I would have a problem dating a girl long term if she messed with someone I didn't think was in my group. Not really a rational feeling, but one that's there. I think it's as good a reason as any to end something if you can't find a way to get comfortable with it. If you're turned off then you're turned off. I agree with this. If you cant resolve your feelings about this internally, then just write the dude off. Id see nothing wrong with it as I write off girls for reasons you stated in your original post, OP. Im very strict about a girl having not had sexual contact with friends or acquaintances of mine. I find it weird having seconds off of some guy I know. Plus I like a girl not to have a previous romantic history floating about that could get back to me through other people. 1
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Here's an interesting example. Two married couples are friends for decades. One of the men dies. Later, the other man's wife dies. The remaining two widowed spouses get together, both knowing their now deceased friend's 'had' the other sexually. Everyone, including children and grandchildren, know this as well since, well, those children and grandchildren exist from biology. The couple later gets married and are now somewhere out there in the world in their RV enjoying their 70's. That's one anecdote of one friend. Experience and preference and perspective vary. Communication is key. If the man is, at 39 in the now, generally immature for that age and that aspect is unattractive, then that would be a healthy reason for discontinuing. I would discount his past dating behavior in that decision. BTW, apologies if I missed the nuance, but who ended that dynamic, him or her? If you end this dynamic, today, you will become a part of his 'dating past' and he yours. What weight should that carry?
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) I personally prefer dating men I meet through my social circle... friends and family. If they dated someone I knew or know... that would not bother me. It is a good way to sus out their character. They are likely to have some information about them regarding their dating history, honesty, and consistency.. all things you can't get from Google, or dating sites. Dating through friends/family/social circle is alot more efficient in the long run than dating strangers. that said, I also tend to make decisions for myself. I would not take the word of others (good or bad) as the be-all to end all on that person. I'd spend time with them and see if what I'd heard lines up with the person I witness. For better or worse. ... and regarding being sloppy seconds... If one doesn't date in a sloppy way, then they can't be considered a sloppy second. We are all 'seconds' to someone, since very few of us are virgins. Since I don't date in a sloppy way, and I don't date men I witness to date in a sloppy way, then the fact they are single has no bearing except they are available to date me Yay!! Edited May 20, 2012 by RedRobin 1
FitChick Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 ladies have ended dates quickly when they find out that i'm 40 and don't have a past at all. Ask them if they have seen the 40 Year Old Virgin. If not, invite them over to watch it with you. Then ask how they would feel about dating a 40 year old virgin. If she's sympathetic, you can confess. If she laughs, show her the door.
gaius Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Thanks for understanding. I agree that how I feel might not be rational or logical, but I can't help how I feel. I could probably suppress my feelings, but it will be there in the back of my mind. Maybe after some time has passed I'll get over it? Only one way to find out. Maybe once it progresses the good will drown out the bad in your mind.
Woggle Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 As long as she never cheated on a man or was dishonest with him I am okay.
johan Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 30 and 21? Predatory behaviour. Next! You don't think this is about jealously?
threebyfate Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Only iris can answer that question but if a 30 year old male is trolling for college aged chicks, it squicks me out.
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