kaylan Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) So Im feeling very confused about what I want dating wise and how to go about doing it. Part of me loves the idea of a girlfriend, but another part of me loves going out, partying, and talking to different girls. And this doesnt mean Id sleep with every single girl I meet...it just means I def enjoy meeting, flirting, and dancing with new girls...with or without sex. And I dont get around as much as I could, but I have had some fun within reason in my life. Anyways, a little while ago I made the decision that I wanted to actively date again...but some things over the weekend have me confused. My friends are graduating from college this month so I went out with them Thrusday night to celebrate. I ended up going home with a mutual friend and though we didnt have sex , we did do other stuff. On the way there I was thinking "do I really want to go back with this girl?" Because while my body wants sex, Im just super paranoid about STDs and possible condom breakage. And thatd seriously complicate my future relationship with a girl I really liked. Plus I started second guessing myself because in the past Ive felt like I wasted my time hooking up when the result wasnt what Id expected it to be. So anyways, we get to this girls place and she makes it a point to say she didnt want to have sex that night. And I told her I was cool with that, and she asked me if I was sure. And I just chuckled and told her Im not like other dudes and I dont push the issue if a chick isnt down for it. All of that is true, plus I was feeling unsure about stuff, even though my body wanted it. So anyways we fooled around a bit and then went to bed and cuddled and what not. In the morning I was being pretty affectionate. Thats just how I am with women whether I want to date them or not. Im just a super affectionate guy. Anyways after I left I felt torn. Part of me felt frustrated since I didnt sleep with her, and I also felt disgusted at my ability to hook up quickly (alcohol contributed to this). Another part of me felt this really deep longing for a girlfriend again. Tbh the cuddling and affectionate stuff was what I enjoyed the most out of being with that chick. Even during the fooling around I enjoyed the affectionate stuff more than the naughty part stuff...it just really adds to it you know? So anyways I sat around friday wondering about just what the heck I want from women at the moment...and I decided to go out that night for more celebration. That night all the girlfriend thoughts were out of my brain for the evening and I was more prepared for some fun...but even so I didnt really push myself to do anything despite getting a few good signals during the night. I just had that feeling where I knew Id regret forcing anything that didnt feel natural that night. And natural for me friday night, was just enjoying the music and doing people watching. So anyways, for the last couple of days Ive been super confused and I feel distressed at the same time. I want to figure this crap out...I know Im done being single...but I have two different sets of needs. I have a romantic and affectionate side that would love having someone to show that kind of attention to. But I dont feel ready for that since I still have a few insecurities to deal with. Then I have my hormonal party side which wants to meet and mingle with different girls. But I usually hold back because I dont want to screw up with pregnancy or stds. And with all this stagnation and indecision Ive felt lonely this weekend for the first time in a long time, and I feel like Im wasting my youth not figuring this out. The problem is I feel Ive somehow ended up at a point where I want both sides of myself to be fulfilled...but I know its not something thats the safest healthwise or emotional wise. Because lets be real, getting all romantic and crap with a chick I wouldnt necessarily be exclusive to is just asking for hurt on either end because someones gonna get pretty attached. It always happens...we see it all the time I dunno...its just weird. My hormones push me to want to be a playboy, but Ive got all these emotions and crap thatll definitely complicate things. And then my paranoia about the realistic risks of screwing around, keeps me at bay anyways. And then my paranoia regarding being emotionally vulnerable (along with being picky) keeps me single and from finding a girlfriend type chick. So I really am wasting my youth doing nothing...how lame is that. This is really just a long winded vent post at the end of the day really. Im basically dreaming of an unreal world devoid of std and pregnancy risk, where I have complete control of my emotions, and am able to meet different chicks while having a favorite girl. Its just so weird...all this change Ive been doing over the last several years. I used to be all about finding "the one" when i was younger...but now I coast through single life having fun and the idea being committed to one girl seems so foreign, when it used to be the one thing I wanted the most. Im only 25 though, and I know Im not done with growing up. Im just kind of annoyed by the change. Things feel less simple then they used to be in my mind. This post is longer than I thought itd be, but you all know me...I can be quite long winded sometimes...but its only because I try not to miss anything thatd be important to have in an OP. Edited May 20, 2012 by kaylan 1
truth_seeker Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 My advice to you: date, have fun, and when a girl comes along whom you really like, focus all of your attention on her. Don't think about meeting a girlfriend. It will happen when it is suppose to happen. 4
Lostinlife4now Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hi Kaylan! First let me say for a 25 year old...you are one smart cookie. I have read your posts to different threads on this board and thought to myself...what a smart guy! Now I have to agree with truthseeker.....you are young, have fun, date, see what's out there, then when you do find your wife you won't feel like you were missing anything while being married. You did the singles life, had fun, messed around, NOW you are settled down. Understand? I know it gets lonely, but you seem to have alot going on with yoruself...so I wouldn't worry about the down times. And a piece of advice from an "older woman"..DON'T SETTLE!
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Alot of people these days have not had the benefit of personally witnessing the benefits of a committed relationship. They view it as full of hassle and hardship... They witness divorces and feel like that is what they have to look forward to if they commit. So, conventional wisdom and alot of our culture says "date, have fun" blah blah. I dunno. I suppose that is better than committing just for the sake of committing... but I'd also argue that you ought to spend some time developing a bit more focus. Your 20's are going to fly by in an instant. The most 'successful' people I've met are those who manage to find a partner sometime in their late 20's- early 30's... so that they can spend their other productive time, oh, working on their careers, raising children... something other than wasting it on the constant churn of dating. people say don't settle. I don't know what they are talking about. There is this thing called the law of diminishing returns. I say find someone who checks most of your boxes in terms of character, integrity, and attractiveness... then get on with your life. There is no such thing as perfect. You could spend all of your time looking for Ms. Perfect... everyone needs a hobby. If that is what you want. You can do that. Some people just need constant excitement and prefer the stimulation of trading partners every few years. Whatever floats your boat. If that is what you want, then that's ok. Keep in mind though, that if you want to be in a committed relationship (ie marriage) you really can't afford to just keep floating along half-assed.
Fondue Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Dude, we're the same age and I think, have similar things going for ourselves. I wouldn't be looking for a GF right now, to be honest. At 25, this is the age of where we really make an impact on our future. Be it getting ahead in our jobs, finishing school, or at least making some smart decisions that'll send us in the right direction. Being in a relationship complicates things. It clouds your mind/judgement. You lack focus, and your priorities are elsewhere. There will be conflicts between your relationship life and your work/school life. It is very difficult to have one and the other, and to separate them enough that they are mutually successful. You'll also tire yourself out. I know this is just a meme, but it actually goes a long way and makes perfect sense. http://www.josephducreux.com/disregard-females-acquire-currency.jpg This is what I have been living by for past 2 years are so. I have got promoted at my job, managed to work a quite a bit of overtime, and in the process of BUYING my own place in NYC. This is what "moving up in the world" is all about. I would have never done this if I was focused on relationships. I recommend going out with your friends and continuing the flirting. If you have a sexual encounter, be smart about it. Don't chase the women, but go with the flow. Surprisingly, nature has a way of rewarding you. Trust me .
EasyHeart Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 So Im feeling very confused about what I want dating wise and how to go about doing it. Part of me loves the idea of a girlfriend, but another part of me loves going out, partying, and talking to different girls.This is called "being a guy".
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Being in a relationship complicates things. It clouds your mind/judgement. You lack focus, and your priorities are elsewhere. There will be conflicts between your relationship life and your work/school life. It is very difficult to have one and the other, and to separate them enough that they are mutually successful. You'll also tire yourself out. Tell that to Mark Zuckerberg... BBC News - Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg's new 'married' status All of the successful men I personally know married relatively young... in their late 20's... maybe in their 30's.... to a peer... not some hot young thing or supermodel. (Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Steven Spielberg are (or were) long-time marrieds). Being the swingin' bachelor or bachelorette tends to lose its panache. I recognize that not everyone wants to be married. And that's ok. However, lets not confuse perpetual bachelorhood with higher social status. It isn't.
Woggle Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 George Clooney and Simon Cowell are also high achievers.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Casual involvements have their benefits and lessons, but if you have a conscience (and clearly you do), they aren't easy. The fact is that one or both of you naturally start to bond, and then what? Somebody's gonna get their feelings hurt. Yeah, life hurts, but why go into a situation basically asking for it? I'm not saying I won't have any more casual involvements (if I'm struggling to find serious prospects), but I will avoid them if I can be strong while lonely. Whatever you do, try to enjoy it and make the best of it - single and working on your own stuff, single and mingling, coupled up. I agree that a good strategy would be to go out and have fun, with honesty and integrity, and don't worry about getting serious until you meet someone you want to get serious with. If you have some lighter involvements in there, OK. Just be honest with yourself and the person you're involved with about your intentions and what's really going on. You sound pretty worried - but from what I can see, you don't have that much to worry about. You're young, fun, cute, smart, sensitive. You seem like a catch, so I don't worry about you finding a good partner when the time is right.
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Hey Kaylan, long time no talk . You sound like me. I'm 23, and confused about all this same stuff. The part the resonated the most was when you mentioned how much you liked the affectionate aspect of being with a girl, even when it was with one you weren't really dating. I really identify with that. I had a sort of friend with benefit situation going on a little while ago with a guy, and I was all into the affectionate aspects of it... sensual kissing, hand holding, being held by him, the little things. And I always wondered a little bit if he enjoyed that too or if he was a lot more about the sex. Cool to see that some guys really value the raw affection. I like going out and getting attention from different guys but definitely yearn for someone who I can be close to, someone who would consider me special to them. I think in the end the "hormonal going out and wanting attention" part dies down more as time goes on, and ESPECIALLY once you meet someone who is great for you. I'm pretty sure if I end up meeting a guy who I truly click with, all that attention-wanting stuff will fade pretty swiftly. It always did in the past, anyway.
RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 George Clooney and Simon Cowell are also high achievers. no, they are second rate entertainers.
mesmerized Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I exactly know what you mean. My hormones want me to be single and meet different guys and have fun, but I also have emotions and need for affection. What I decided for myself is, if something feels right, if I meet a guy that just does it for me, drop my heart guard and just go for it. You don't have to decide which way you exactly want to go...do what feels right at any moment and be open to finding love.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 people say don't settle. I don't know what they are talking about. There is this thing called the law of diminishing returns. I say find someone who checks most of your boxes in terms of character, integrity, and attractiveness... then get on with your life. I'm in the "don't settle" camp. What I mean by that is, it should be a resounding "Yes! I want to share my future with this person." Kay, my advice would be to keep on doing the things you love, and enjoying your time as a single person, but be open to committing when you connect with someone on a level that speaks to you.
simpsonic Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I'm in the "don't settle" camp. What I mean by that is, it should be a resounding "Yes! I want to share my future with this person." Kay, my advice would be to keep on doing the things you love, and enjoying your time as a single person, but be open to committing when you connect with someone on a level that speaks to you. This. This was how I met my last bf. I had been out of the relationship before him for a few months, and I was enjoying that time to myself doing different activities with new friends that I made. One of those new friends was the guy I would eventually start dating. The old saying of meeting someone when you least expect it is totally true.
Woggle Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 no, they are second rate entertainers. I like Clooney's movies but I do agree that Simon Cowell has helped ruin the music industry. That being said they are successful. Mark Zuckerbeg will probably be divorced and paying alimony before he hits 40. 1
Author kaylan Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) This is called "being a guy". That may be the stereotype, but its totally false. We know there are plenty of women out there who feel the same way I do, so I really wish men would stop being stereotyped as being the main ones with the feelings I have at the moment. The thing is you just dont have as many girls admitting this publicly because they dont want to be seen in a bad light, but Ive heard women talk about feeling the same way I do. Back when I was all about finding "the one", would someone call that "being a woman"? Its all silly. In either case its called being a human with hormones and a heart. P.S. - Lets not pretend there arent plenty of girls out there with a fwb guy whos their fave, while they also go out and enjoy attention and flirting with other dudes. Some of these girls wont hook up with anyone else because they have a main squeeze to go home to, be we know it happens, and some women on this forum have had periods of their life where theyve done it. So I dont think its a guy thing at all Edited May 21, 2012 by kaylan 1
Author kaylan Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I like Clooney's movies but I do agree that Simon Cowell has helped ruin the music industry. That being said they are successful. Mark Zuckerbeg will probably be divorced and paying alimony before he hits 40. Mark wasnt smart with not getting a prenup. For such an intelligent, albeit awkward guy, he made a stupid move by getting married and not protecting himself financially. Theres no gauruntees in partnership.
Woggle Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Mark wasnt smart with not getting a prenup. For such an intelligent, albeit awkward guy, he made a stupid move by getting married and not protecting himself financially. Theres no gauruntees in partnership. One day he will learn the hard way.
RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Mark wasnt smart with not getting a prenup. For such an intelligent, albeit awkward guy, he made a stupid move by getting married and not protecting himself financially. Theres no gauruntees in partnership. Mark has probably learned by now that all contracts are basically a bicycle lock. You can't put a price on commitment or loyalty. If you don't trust the person, don't get married. Simple as that.
RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 One day he will learn the hard way. Or she will, when he dumps her for a younger version. Happens both ways. They have both known each other for a very long time, sounds like. They should be fine.
RedRobin Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Mark Zuckerbeg will probably be divorced and paying alimony before he hits 40. I sincerely doubt it, unless he cheats on her. I'm betting she wouldn't be the type to dump him anyway. Look, those two run in different circles. He's a risk taker, obviously. Take a look at her. She's attractive, but no supermodel. He could have had one of those if he wanted. Take a look at him. Rich and (I've heard) a bit tempermental and arrogant. Just because he's rich now doesn't mean he always will be. That's how it goes with the CEO types like him. Take a look at Steve Jobs. He was fired from the company he started. His wife didn't ditch him. Naah. I think this one is in for the long haul. I could be wrong, but this was no overnight love story.
Author kaylan Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Just would like to thank everyone for the advice. I feel a lot more grounded mentally now than I did earlier this week. You all are right. I should just live in the moment, enjoy life for what it is, and not force things. And Fondue you are right...I should really focus on my career and hobbies, and not so much on women. Whenever Ive been in a relationship in the past, whenever there were problems in the relationship it severely impacted my performance in work and school. I dont need that again.
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