Male territorial behavior

[daphne]

I met a whole new group of friends and was interested in a new guy of that group. We all went out the other evening, and there are more guys in that group, and we were all talking poker.

 

What does brand new guy do? He proceeds to put his arm around my shoulders, stroke my hair and stand too close as if he were my boyfriend. He's subliminally sending the others a message that I'm now his property.

 

Huge turn off. I like a guy to show interest, but this was over the top and he seemed extremely needy and insecure. I had never met the guy before that night!

 

On the good side, I am now meeting a lot of men that aren't dating online. They are just different. And interestingly, generally better looking.

[Mrlonelyone]

Sounds like he was doing allot of what many PUA say. By making a move early he was trying to make you see him as a sexual creature and not a cuddly "friend". Many a young man would rather risk putting a woman off completely to avoid being seen as a "friend".

 

So sad that had to become a dirty word.

[mark 40]

I met a whole new group of friends and was interested in a new guy of that group. We all went out the other evening, and there are more guys in that group, and we were all talking poker.

 

What does brand new guy do? He proceeds to put his arm around my shoulders, stroke my hair and stand too close as if he were my boyfriend. He's subliminally sending the others a message that I'm now his property.

 

Huge turn off. I like a guy to show interest, but this was over the top and he seemed extremely needy and insecure. I had never met the guy before that night!

 

On the good side, I am now meeting a lot of men that aren't dating online. They are just different. And interestingly, generally better looking.

 

i've been told and even threatened by other males to stay away from a lady.

[carhill]

OP, think of it as apparent incompatible styles.

 

Now, what kind of interaction in such circumstances would have impelled feelings of being desired romantically without demonstrating perceived insecurity? Clarify that.

 

It is normal in my social circle of males my age for men to 'dominate' women in the territorial sense. They act this way whether the woman is their spouse or not, and even when married with women other than their spouse. It's their style and, since most are successful males, it's a style women of our age are accustomed to and respond to. Even as an unmarried male, I sense that response when I act similarly. It's a synergistic style within a particular social dynamic.

 

Glad to read you're meeting more IRL potentials. A synergistic one will turn up. LS will lose another poster. Good luck

[EasyHeart]

I've never seen a man do anything like that. I would describe it as overplaying his hand. It's the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. The problem with using aggressive tactics is that they only work on submissive targets.

 

Daphne doesn't strike me as submissive. . . .

[mark 40]

I've never seen a man do anything like that. I would describe it as overplaying his hand. It's the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. The problem with using aggressive tactics is that they only work on submissive targets.

 

Daphne doesn't strike me as submissive. . . .

 

the other men might be submissive

[Emilia]

 

What does brand new guy do? He proceeds to put his arm around my shoulders, stroke my hair and stand too close as if he were my boyfriend. He's subliminally sending the others a message that I'm now his property.

 

Huge turn off.

 

Have the group been drinking a fair amount of alcohol at this point?

[daphne]

Many a young man would rather risk putting a woman off completely to avoid being seen as a "friend".

 

It's funny, but I felt like he was competing more with the other guys than he was concerned in how I perceived him. But this is probably a common thing.

 

i've been told and even threatened by other males to stay away from a lady.

 

Wow. SO guys can be catty too. I've had women practically push me out of the way when they wanted a guy. I've always found it funny. They're usually women who aren't super attractive.

 

Now, what kind of interaction in such circumstances would have impelled feelings of being desired romantically without demonstrating perceived insecurity? Clarify that.

 

It is normal in my social circle of males my age for men to 'dominate' women in the territorial sense. They act this way whether the woman is their spouse or not, and even when married with women other than their spouse. It's their style and, since most are successful males, it's a style women of our age are accustomed to and respond to. Even as an unmarried male, I sense that response when I act similarly. It's a synergistic style within a particular social dynamic.

 

Glad to read you're meeting more IRL potentials. A synergistic one will turn up. LS will lose another poster. Good luck

 

I don't really know how to answer your first question. I think just normal behavior. SHowing interest, but not feeling teh need to puff up one's chest and accelerate things faster than our current start date. I think his behavior would have been more normal for a couple that had been dating a while. But it was wholly inappropriate for someone you're trying to court or get to know.

 

I've never seen a man do anything like that. I would describe it as overplaying his hand. It's the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. The problem with using aggressive tactics is that they only work on submissive targets.

 

Daphne doesn't strike me as submissive. . . .

 

Yes and Yes. And absolutely right. he he. I'm that transparent am I?

 

the other men might be submissive

 

he he. Actually a couple were. One was not and basically ignored him and flirted with me while guy #1 had his fingers in my hair. I totally felt like a tool of competition. AWKWARD!

 

Have the group been drinking a fair amount of alcohol at this point?

 

Yes. They had but I was relatively sober. It's even funnier from that perspective.

[EasyHeart]

I don't think the problem here is that the guys were acting like d-bags.

 

The real problem is that no man can keep his hands off Daphne!!!

[carhill]

Drinking = lowered inhibitions

 

Sober = inhibitions intact

 

Since I DD a fair amount and drink little as a result, it is interesting to observe my feelings from the standpoint of relative sobriety versus when drinking. What I'm hearing from you, OP, makes more sense from this perspective.

 

Given the further information, I wouldn't assign substantial weight to this incident. If the man was otherwise attractive and potentially compatible and the put-off was this behavior under these circumstances, I'd see how a one on one encounter goes. If other, other.

 

Going along with your story, what behavior, absent this 'puffing' territorial display, would you have preferred and found attractive when another man began to invade your space and flirt with you in the presence of your ostensible date? I know the chronology didn't progress that way (as a response behavior) but the answer could lend insight into preferred style of interaction. Comment?

[daphne]

I don't think the problem here is that the guys were acting like d-bags.

 

The real problem is that no man can keep his hands off Daphne!!!

 

At least no man at my company! All week I had to repeatedly send 3 different guys out of my cube because they would loiter, try to waste my time and get me to go to lunch. I stopped responding to one altogether.

 

Seriously. Maybe it's that time of year, or I'm sending off massive pheremones. I went grocery shopping yesterday and the guy leaned up and kind of whispered a joke in my ear like we were intimate friends.

 

Love is in the air?

[daphne]

Drinking = lowered inhibitions

 

Sober = inhibitions intact

 

Since I DD a fair amount and drink little as a result, it is interesting to observe my feelings from the standpoint of relative sobriety versus when drinking. What I'm hearing from you, OP, makes more sense from this perspective.

 

Given the further information, I wouldn't assign substantial weight to this incident. If the man was otherwise attractive and potentially compatible and the put-off was this behavior under these circumstances, I'd see how a one on one encounter goes. If other, other.

 

Going along with your story, what behavior, absent this 'puffing' territorial display, would you have preferred and found attractive when another man began to invade your space and flirt with you in the presence of your ostensible date? I know the chronology didn't progress that way (as a response behavior) but the answer could lend insight into preferred style of interaction. Comment?

 

Car,

 

Not sure what will happen. It was a bit of a turn off. I don't like guys getting ahead of the stage we're in, because they're usually controlling and pushy. Basically not at all what I'm looking for.

 

What behavior would I have prefered? For the guy to remember we're at a party and it's ok to talk to other people and just to casually talk. Treat it like he'd treat me talking to some other woman. There was no intentional flirting going on with the other guys.

[carhill]

I was responding to this quote:

 

"One was not and basically ignored him and flirted with me while guy #1 had his fingers in my hair."

 

Territorial displays are generally the response to other male incursions, hence my question, regardless of whether you were flirting or not.

[g450]

When I first started dating I made the mistake of doing that early on as well. It backfired spectacularly as was expected. She lost interest and thought I was creepy. Mind you that this is the woman I will be married to in two more weeks.

 

So I more or less gave up on her and did my own thing for a few weeks. Then she came to me and we started seeing each other. One night one of her old ex FBs got drunk and came over to our table and started doing the same crap by leaning up against her while she was sitting at our table. It could have gotten ugley but she asked him how his Wife was doing and he pretty much left us alone after that. Embearased the crap out of him. A week later I made it clear to him that she was hands off as we were in a relationship. He either did not know this or played stupid thinking we were all in an open relationship.

 

Every once in a while I will do the arm thing to let guys know she is with me. Some are too blind or too stupid to see the engament ring I guess.

[LittlePrince]

There was no intentional flirting going on with the other guys.

You like to believe that so you can think highly of yourself but there was and he could read it therefore acting on instinct in the matter that he did.

[dispatch3d]

What a territorial jerk! Lol this title made me giggle, love it.

[LittlePrince]

Women only get upset by territorial behavior because they want to get into many promiscuous activities but eventually they'll find a guy and wish to be his property basically. Problem is that guy typically is very familiar with the real estate market and knows it is better for him to rent than buy. That's when we see bitchy posts on the internet about guys not committing when the issue wasn't a man's commitment but women prefer men who have too many reasons not to commit.

[wordrock]

Seriously. Maybe it's that time of year, or I'm sending off massive pheremones. I went grocery shopping yesterday and the guy leaned up and kind of whispered a joke in my ear like we were intimate friends.

 

Love is in the air?

 

I've been hearing similar things from a lot of my female friends lately... it goes both ways though. Been getting more attention than usual from women now that the weather is warming up and the roses are blossoming.

 

The woman I'm seeing right now has had to literally show a few guys the hand to get them to back off. I personally witnessed one instance at a concert when a guy decided to put his hand on her shoulder while I was standing right next to her on the other side. It basically went like this:

 

"Hey..."

 

"NO." <Removes his hand, puts the other hand in his face>

 

"Well..." "NO." <hand> "B.." "NO!" <hand>

 

Happened in the space of about 3 seconds. I found it hard not to laugh. She turned right back to the show and didn't say a word about it to me. We had a good time.

[Heart Of A Lion]

Sounds like he was doing allot of what many PUA say. By making a move early he was trying to make you see him as a sexual creature and not a cuddly "friend". Many a young man would rather risk putting a woman off completely to avoid being seen as a "friend".

 

So sad that had to become a dirty word.

 

I met a whole new group of friends and was interested in a new guy of that group. We all went out the other evening, and there are more guys in that group, and we were all talking poker.

 

What does brand new guy do? He proceeds to put his arm around my shoulders, stroke my hair and stand too close as if he were my boyfriend. He's subliminally sending the others a message that I'm now his property.

 

Huge turn off. I like a guy to show interest, but this was over the top and he seemed extremely needy and insecure. I had never met the guy before that night!

 

On the good side, I am now meeting a lot of men that aren't dating online. They are just different. And interestingly, generally better looking.

 

It's also possible that he was trying to break the physical barrier with you. However, if that's the case, then he went overboard with it. Usually going through that barrier is a more subtle process. Perhaps he's a not so subtle guy?