Daisy926 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hi everyone, I am looking for advice or I guess just to jot down my thoughts. Thanks in advance for reading my rambling. I am 33 years old and have been with my husband on and off since I was 16. We have been married 3.5 years. We come from 2 different worlds and I think what I was ok with when I was younger is not ok with me now. He has never been a "great guy" and many friends and family have always questioned me about being with him. There have been signs all along but I just went along with it figuring things will get better. I am the bread winner and he has never really had a long term job. He has not worked in almost 4 years and this is hurting us financially and causing me a lot of stress. I should have known this all along but again not sure why I always stayed. He is not a bad guy but does have some verbal abusive tendancies. Nothing that bad but just a lack of respect in the way he speaks to me. We do not talk really about anything, I am not actually sure what people mean when they say communication is important. Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for something that doesn't exist, a fantasy maybe? I have always had doubts about the relationship but I think the fear of change is what I worry about most. I am a person who worries too much and sometimes do things to not have to deal with change. Don't get me wrong I love him but I worry about why. I actually said today that I worry I love him more in a motherly way (as in I take care of him) than a real love. When I think of the thought of breaking up what I think about most is what would he do and where would he go. I know this is not healthy. Like I said I have thought about this for a while but here is where it gets even trickier. I travel a lot for work and about a year ago I started chatting online. It was innocent at first but I met an incredible man and we formed a great friendship. I am finding myself in a way falling in love with him. We did meet (just for lunch nothing sexual) and talk often. He is amazing and I do understand what I get from him is what I am missing from my husband. I know this is not healthy for either of us. I believe he feels similar to me but he has a hard time expressing due to the situation. He does not want to get hurt and I understand that. He has talked to me about going to therapy which is something I know I have to do, but again that is doing something and I know I push it off out of fear. I know my feelings for this man are true and they are not the cause of my issues with my husband. The issues were there before and will be there after. I think this experience has just been the first time I actually thought I deserve better. I try to talk to my husband but it is like talking to a wall. He keeps saying he will get a job but all he does is play PS3 and does not look. If I am honest with myself I do not expect anything to ever change. I know I need to do something but change is hard for me. I say to myself but I am comfortable and I am scared to be single. I know going into another relationship is not the answer but sometimes I feel there could be a future with the other guy and when I feel there can't be I decide to just stay where I am. I know this is not the way to think. My biggest fear is what I am missing out on an being happy. But am I just having the case of grass looks greener on the other side. Is it all just a fantasy? Could counselling with my husband help? Is it better to work on this marriage even if you feel there really is no hope? I should add we don't fight, to my husband nothing is wrong except he needs a job and my "bitching" as he puts it. I feel we are more like roommates who believe and want different things out of life. I've only hit on pieces of this but I am sure I covered it for the most part. Just looking for some guidance or advice.
crazylove Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hi there, From what you've written your marriage does sound unhealthy at the moment. I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him your concerns, and tell him if he doesn't listen to you, then you will leave him. Is there a reason your husband cannot work? It sounds like you are both stuck in your ways. But unfortunately, it's going to take both of you to save your marriage...something that doesn't sound like it's going to happen. You need to forget about the other man at the moment and concentrate on your marriage. You don't need extra complications. It's also unfair on the other guy, as well as your husband. 1
Author Daisy926 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I've decided to call for therapy tomorrow. I can't live like this anymore. When I came home from my last trip we had a conversation but he just yes's me and then its back to the negative attitute, talking nasty and what not. He is just always in a bad mood, crabby, etc when all he does is... nothing! Our latest argument was dinner, yes at 1030pm, I should go out (nice huh) he decided to go then out of no where when I asked for a drink he went nuts all aggravated with a mad face. I said oh I am sorry sitting on ur ass all day has u upset.... yes sarcastically. I told him go get his own dinner I will get mine when I return. We don't fight like this at all times but he is just not a happy person. Never has been. There have been few instances and I will admit when I feel good about myself (i.e. weight loss) I have more fun but when I say let's do something he says when you loose weight. That I feel is a horrible thing to say but he tried to turn it around on me. I am just so lost at what to do. I think I am checked out of this but because it is a big decision and I have wasted so much of my life I am scared to change anything. I am giving you the worst of the worst.. we don't fight but we dont do anything either if that makes sense. Sorry for the babble just so scared to make the wrong decision. We dont have kids and I also feel if we break up I will never have them due to my age I know I shouldnt have kids with him until things are better but its the point I am trying to make - what if I never have them Thanks again for listening.
Author Daisy926 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 I want to add sometimes I talk nasty to him also but I think its because I am fed up. I don't do it in a way to hurt him tho I feel there is a difference. I know therapy is what I need just looking for reassurances that H's are not always this grouchy and it's normal to be scared of what to do. I worry about everything and this is major so..
K_Kat Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Hi Daisy... First of all... you are 33 years old... what a great age!! ( i am 35)... i assume you have no kids... you and i are in the same place.. you are in the best time of your life and don´t ever be afraid of the future because the future is what you make of it!! I get it that you met someone online and have become friends etc... In my opinion, you need to see if you really want to be with your husband, can this work? does he respect me? if you decide to leave, leave, your not responsible for him... but leave him because of him... not because you found someone else.... after take some time out for you... find out what you really want... then start dating this man, if by chance it works, great.. if not then your okay because you didnt break your relation for him at this point you will be strong and indpendent. Never look to someone to fix your life or situation... plus its pressure for the new BF to make it work... If this person is the one, then he will wait for you, he will be there for you.. are you happy? or are you happy enough? most people are just happy enough and thats okay because they are too scared to take that leap to change their lives, but if you want to be "happy" then it takes a bit of courage to get there.... How is your sex life with your husband? 3
Author Daisy926 Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 I didnt mean to make more of the "friend" than it is. I certainly would not leave because of him.. We live far and may never even have a shot. My feelings about my marriage were there way before him That is just a small other thing and has no real barring on what I feel for my husband.. I think it just made me realize i deserve better Sex life is fine if him being selfish is a sex life lol.. its not too exciting but its there I just think I realized I am done.. there is so much more to add and i start therapy this week so i am excited. i think I am just nervous for change and who knows
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