TheAgony Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hey everyone. I'm quite new to sharing my experiences with everyone. I've met a great girl last winter, and I've started dating her this April. I get attached very quickly, and I don't know if I should keep on being suicidal and finally succeed. Not sure if it's worth living. I've been suicidal since I've been fourteen. Anyways. Before I started dating my girlfriend, we've had so much in common, we always talked, and we were both suicidal. My friend learned that she had fallen in love with me, and being the dumbf**k he is, he told me, then I asked her if it is true. I'm a very, very straightforward person and I told her I felt the same about her. She declined she loved me, driving me into swallowing seven packs of painkillers and topping it off with a bottle of vodka. I know, I shouldn't be alive at that moment, but hey, I'm pretty drug-resistant. Literally. And while I felt my heart slowly losing it's beat, I called her as to have her the last one I talk to. She then told me she loves me. I told her I love her too, and hung up. I went to vomit and afterwards, I passed out. I woke up two days later, seeing 2 missed calls. Then, being a prejudicial person, went on the oh-very-popular Facebook, seeing her posting a status about not being sure if she's alright. I didn't believe it. She should've learned that I'm suicidal, since I told her when I first met her. I'll write about this in the next paragraph. We used to talk on the phone for about 4 hours a day before we began dating. She is very interesting, and she is unlike any girl I've met before. She doesn't seem so feminine either, but she can be. I have arrythmia, anger management issues, and deep depression most of my time. Before we began dating, I told her I cut myself, then she showed me HER scars. I chose to carve her name in my arm out of sheer boredom, to remember her. I still have these scars. Now, about a month-and-a-half in our relationship, I can say that I get attached easily, and not seeing her makes me want to die. She doesn't acknowledge that. This weekend, she told me she doesn't want to meet me. Just no. I drank a lot this Friday. A lot. Then I fell down a three-floor tall building. Broke nothing. Only internal bleeding of lungs. No need to go to the doctor. I told her nothing of what I've done. She doesn't need to know. I'm afraid she'll "break up" with me, and I know I won't survive this. I know, I'm young, I don't know love yet, but I can say I'm not the average guy. I'm not one of those "emos" you can find plenty of. I just want to share my story. It'd be nice if you guys would tell me what to do. Thank you. TheAgony.
cherries1 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hello! How old are you? You seem really young, and I would like to ask if you have been in therapy. It made me sad, reading about your suicide attempts... I don't know, if I were you, which is really hard to imagine, I would ask my mom or someone reliable to look after me, avoid me doing anything silly and go to a therapist. Some of them really help, and if they don't, switch to another who makes you feel more comfortable. I don't really understand what you said about her facebook status, you mean she wasn't ok because she knew you were trying to commit suicide? Personally, I don't think she's any good for you. You need someone in your life who brings the sunny, cheery side, not the depressive part. I have been in deep depression for a couple of years and turns out most of it was due to my partner, I feel relieved now that we broke up even though sometimes I have a harder time. But the person next to you is a big deal here, she doesn't seem to really care about you, but I'm judging by the little you told about the relationship. I know it might be pointless coming from a complete stranger, but please don't die. You worried me, even if I don't know you. Don't become another number in the suicide counter, stand up and fight for your life. You only live once and most times it's in your hand to make it worth it. Stay strong, please!
Author TheAgony Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Yes, I said I am eighteen. Those few suicide attempts are nothing yet. I've tried to do it thirtynine times so far, and yet I don't die. Must be a spark of hope for a better day that's left in me. There's really nothing to my life worth living for. I'm more concerned about my partner though. I lost hope. I lost the will to live. Next time I visit my home country, I'll probably be suicidal again. More than before. Not seeing my partner puts me into an emotional lockdown, all I want to do is die without her, even though she stopped "loving" me. I've done everything that needs to be done in my short life.
bac Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Not much can be done. The OK option is to see a psychiatrist who will put you in hospital untill you stable. Then, you should take antidepressants for many years. But, the antidepressants might not work perfectly and might not make you rational/reasonable/emotionally balanced. So, there is a good chance that you might be a drama queen for the rest of your life. So, you will look for high drama everywhere like you do now. Your condition is probably the bipolar 1 or bipolar 2 unless you are not a healthy troll.
Author TheAgony Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 You seriously think I'm a drama queen. Great. I've taken antidepressants, as well as visited a psychiatrist. It did make me feel better about myself, and I actually had hope in my mind for a longer while. I wasn't diagnosed with bipolarity when I visited a psychologist (I could say I do some psychological reading too, helps me sometimes.), so I don't know what I can say. I just wanted your opinion on what I should do with my partner. The only person I trust has told me to go to this site and ask people what they think about this. Good evening, and thanks for whatever you write back.
bac Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) You seriously think I'm a drama queen. Great. I've taken antidepressants, as well as visited a psychiatrist. It did make me feel better about myself, and I actually had hope in my mind for a longer while. I wasn't diagnosed with bipolarity when I visited a psychologist (I could say I do some psychological reading too, helps me sometimes.), so I don't know what I can say. I just wanted your opinion on what I should do with my partner. The only person I trust has told me to go to this site and ask people what they think about this. Good evening, and thanks for whatever you write back. If you are taking AD, you have depression. Depression (down) is one part of the bipolar. Another part is mania which is your love (up). Love can be a normal feeling if it is in touch with reality. Being in touch with reality means to accept the fact that you cannot control others and the world around the way you want. Your partner has a right to do whatever she wants. You cannot control the world and to get everything you wish because it is impossible. As for you, you try to fight the reality. You act as if the world would not do whatever you want, you will not accept the world and you are going to kill yourself. People are not objects to use and you should respect your partner's choices. You cannot force a girl to do what she hates to do even you want it for yourself. Accept the reality and you will see that there are plenty of girls who are much better than your girl is. But, because you are irrational, you are sure that there is no other girls around who could replace her. Edited May 20, 2012 by bac
Author TheAgony Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I am not hoping on the world to revolve around me. I think I've stated myself clear that all I wanted is for her to be as she was before. Those are her choices, and I understand it. I can assure you I'm not a maniac. I don't know whether you ever felt like me, but it's how I feel. I'm a realist, as I view the world around me as it is, I never try to exaggerate things because it'd be unlogical. My rather screwed up imagination is enough for me. I guess you've cleared some things about me up. Thanks dude.
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