Author M30USA Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 When people are damaged - they do more harm to others, because they're like a loose cannon - and woe betide the poor victim in the firing line. You tried and tried waving the white flag - but against all rules of the Geneva Convention (!) she shot you down anyway. I'm sorry, in a way, that you still have deep feelings for her. It must make everything doubly hard. I hope you can continue stepping on, and doing well... walk, don't run. It's when you run, that the tumbles hurt more. Yes, and I was led to believe (partly by her own family) that the best way to treat damaged people, like those with BPD, is to love them to death so to speak. My experience has shown me otherwise. Doing this merely enables them more. You need to let them known cleary what you're not going to put up with. This separation/divorce had to happen. Whatever happens from here, this much HAD to happen. It just had to. Link to post Share on other sites
shiftman Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I believe that in many instances, closure can be a very positive thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 M30, thanks for the update. The clock is now ticking. Just two weeks and you will be a single man again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 M30, thanks for the update. The clock is now ticking. Just two weeks and you will be a single man again! Well, unfortunately nobody wins in divorce. Even if you were married to an abusive person, it's still a heartache when it ends. Our emotions don't care how bad/good a person is. Love is blind. She will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens. It's too bad that life, personal demons, and circumstances get in the way. But life is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Well, I'm divorced. As of yesterday. She got primary custody...and in her hometown. I tried my best. My lawyer did all he could. Sometimes the legal system just defers to the default of women being primary. I just have to regroup, get my act together, and learn how to live now. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Best of luck. Try to not let matters make you bitter. It's a sad thing to be. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Sorry to hear that M30. Trust me man, it will get better. Through all the bad there are benefits to being single and away from the drama. You will see this soon enough and place value on it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Sorry to hear that M30. Trust me man, it will get better. Through all the bad there are benefits to being single and away from the drama. You will see this soon enough and place value on it. Good luck. Thanks. After all the court antics, I realized that judges usually wind up defaulting to the routine ruling: women gets primary, man gets standard possession weekends. You really, really have to do something crazy and highly illegal as a woman to not wind up with this. I know a mother in Florida who was (and still is) a proven drug addict and she still got primary custody. I guess I was just a little optimistic considering that she was arrested for domestic violence. I thought it might tip the scales a bit. In the end it didn't affect the case too much. Fortunately, however, the judge is allowing me to have full access to my 2 year old. Normally the dad (or parent with standard possession) is only allowed to see a child younger than 3 for a few hours a week, supervised. But since I had proven myself as a caretaker for him for 7 months straight, the judge realized that rule shouldn't be applied to me. At the point, like you said, it can only get better. While I still have feelings for my ex (as you'd expect) everything in my intellect tells me that I'm better off now. At least the kids will be away from her every other weekend. That should reduce the amount of pyschological damage she inflicts on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 M30, I'm glad to hear you have the D behind you -- and that you have full access to your two year old. Now your healing process should accelerate. You are a single man again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 M30, I'm glad to hear you have the D behind you -- and that you have full access to your two year old. Now your healing process should accelerate. You are a single man again! Yeah, even though I wanted 50 percent custody, I am lucky I even got what I got...considering the false accusation she started dishing out like crazy during the final hearing. She (and her mother) really, really ramped it up. My lawyer said flat-out to them: "Do you realize that the picture you are painting of this man is a horrifically abusive, sexually deviant, completely incapable father? Yet not a shred of evidence has been conclusively provided." Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamless Sleep Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Wow, I've followed along. Too bad. It doesn't give me much comfort or hope for my situation. At least I can be prepared knowing the likely outcome if it reaches court. Good luck. I hope you are ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Wow, I've followed along. Too bad. It doesn't give me much comfort or hope for my situation. At least I can be prepared knowing the likely outcome if it reaches court. Good luck. I hope you are ok What situation are you in? FYI, if you have kids, you will probably get primary custody of them. Was there domestic violence in your marriage? By whom? Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamless Sleep Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 No violence, I'm the breadwinner and she has been the stay at home mom. She has refused to return to her career despite the youngest now in high school. She found another and is in the primary residence. So likely I'll get the odd weekend and limited weekday stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 That sucks..My wife I have agreed to 50/50. Here if both parties agree to that it usually isn't messed with by the judge. I have a 12 year old son. I have seen this several times.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 That sucks..My wife I have agreed to 50/50. Here if both parties agree to that it usually isn't messed with by the judge. I have a 12 year old son. I have seen this several times.. The court will allow the parents to have ANY arrangement as long as it's agreed upon. No exceptions. I tried mediation with my ex. She comes from a family of shrewd business people who refuse to lose at anything. I knew the mediation was a waste of time to begin with. I didn't even ask for 50/50. Yet she couldn't even agree to that. Why? Because she thought she could get more. It has nothing to do with the fact that our children might NEED their father. She is a selfish, uncompromising woman who is unable to see anyone's perspective except her own--even if it harms her own children. I only hope and pray that my children don't get brainwashed by her family's way of thinking. I hope they cherish the time they have with me and realize that I'm always their dad no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 First, I'm sorry you went through all of that. Now about spanking and pinching the kids' fingers...is that true? Pinching fingers sound painful. If you are doing that, you shouldn't be. Fingers don't have the same fat and muscle has backsides do. Is the spanking going too far? If these things are true, you have to examine that, esp. the pinching. You shouldn't do that. Your wife shouldn't have done what she did to you. Your relationship sounds like a mess. I think you should get therapy and work through what you wife did and discuss the punishment you give to your kids. Take care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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