mpz Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 really need some help and guidance please..6 years of my life goneeat and my mind is constantly on my recent break up. I have been in a serious relationship for 6 years with my ex girlfriend. We loved each other more than anything,we stuck through a lot. Even went to different universities,but we managed to see each other at weekends and it felt really special. She graduated a year before i did and she moved to a new city because of a job. we were making it work and had plans to move in together once i had graduated. however when i did graduate i moved back home whilst i was looking for a job, i did want to move in with her but didn't want to mess her around,i.e,we found a place together for me then to get a job in a different part of the country. Anyway recently i had to opportunity to go and work abroad for a month,i needed the experience and my gf wasn't going to stop me but i knew she wasn't happy because she was in a bad place because i wasn't with her.when i arrived back she told me she couldn't be with me anymore. 6 weeks on i find out she has not only been sleeping with someone else,a fitness instructor from her bootcamp classes,but they also went on holiday together. i can't believe after6 years that this has happened to me,i love her so so much and can't let go on so quickly. i thought we loved each other more than anything,i can't sleep and the thought of her sleeping with someone else kills me. and to go on holiday with him so soon,im just so gutted. i need help and advice on how to deal with this situation. thanks
paperboy48 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I'm with you man. I feel your pain. My wife and I are getting a divorce after 16 years together. I too go crazy about the thought of her with another guy. And, this split is all I think about.
ladyabstrused Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear about that mpz Don't know how else to get through something so deep and painful like that. I think you'll need a lot of patience and strength. Try to keep yourself busy but not forgetting to deal with the breakup too. It's not healthy to be in denial about it, neither is it healthy to let it take control of your life. You are in control of things now. She did a terrible thing and it must feel so terrible but you have to have faith and know that things will get better in time. Talk to people about it, your friends, get out with them and keep your mind positive. Don't stay alone for too much or these thoughts might haunt you or drown you. My relationship of 4.5 years just ended days ago. It probably isn't as bad as yours cos mine's a LDR and I don't know, feel like I was living in a dream...but it will get better. As many of the LS posters here who are experienced have said, keep moving on and things will get better.
Author mpz Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 thanks,im not a bad person,and since i found out she was sleeping with someone else she has been calling me telling me i drove her to it,and that i was making her depressed. Basically making me feel guilty,i have never felt like this before and don't want to ever go through it again. I think for her to get with someone else so quickly and go on holiday with them says a lot about how she felt about me. im sorry to hear about your relationships ending too,surely they can make us stronger people in the long run, and we will find people who really do care and love us
ladyabstrused Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 You're right indeed. These experiences will make us stronger. And really, I'm sorry you had to see all that happening to learn about how she genuinely feels about you. You're a good guy, people always take advantage of good people..that's sad but it's the reality of life. Thanks mpz. Yes, eventually we will meet the right one, with the things we've learned from these painful relationships. You're being positive there and that's a good start.
Author mpz Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Yeah I hope so, I accidentally posted this twice (doing it on my phone). I think that because she was my first love it's even harder. When she called me yesterday she told me to drive down and see her which i don't get when she has been completely ignoring me and refusing to see me..I feel really messed up and don't know whether to just completely cut her out of my life?
ladyabstrused Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I feel you...this is my first love too. :\ Hmm, why would she ask you to drive down to see her when she's cheated on you? Did she say why? What did you tell her then?
dandan89 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Ahhh dude thats sooooo harsh and I totally feel for you. This in NOT your fault! She's trying to put the blame on you to relieve some of her guilt. Don't go and see her. She's done something that is pretty much unforgivable so she does not deserve you. If she wants to see you that bad she can come down to see you. NC and keep yourself busy! Chin up man, show her by getting on with your life and being successful. 2
Author mpz Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 thanks for your words of advice,i haven't been sleeping or eating well at all. and to top it off she messaged me today,telling me she's glad im moving on,so i didn't reply,then she says- right il block you out of my life! What is she doing to me? I maybe should have but i sent her an email expressing how i was feeling. I think she has ruined everything between us.Yeah she should come to see me,i haven't got a blue why she asked me to go and see her.
dandan89 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Yeah I don't think you should have sent her the email telling her how you felt. I'm sure she knows how you feel. But she knows now either way so leave it at that. Let her block you out of her life. Then maybe she'll see what a big part of it you were. Let her see that you're not there for her anymore. You need to let her come to realise this on her own and in the mean time make yourself even more awesome! It's been just over 3 months that mine ended it with me, we were together 4 and a half years and we had the most amazing times together. I still love her now as much as I ever have and I think of her ALL THE TIME! Yes it is easier but still hurts like f**k! I was like you in the fact I couldn't eat or sleep but slowly but surely it get easier to cope. As I said and I can't stress this enough, improve yourself! Do something EPIC! 1
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 thanks for your words of advice,i haven't been sleeping or eating well at all. and to top it off she messaged me today,telling me she's glad im moving on,so i didn't reply,then she says- right il block you out of my life! What is she doing to me? I maybe should have but i sent her an email expressing how i was feeling. I think she has ruined everything between us.Yeah she should come to see me,i haven't got a blue why she asked me to go and see her. She's trying to toy with you. Don't buy it. It's really hard to just drop contact and move on, but it's your best move. Take her advice and block her out of your life! 1
Tree_Salmon Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Yeah I don't think you should have sent her the email telling her how you felt. I'm sure she knows how you feel. But she knows now either way so leave it at that. Let her block you out of her life. Then maybe she'll see what a big part of it you were. Let her see that you're not there for her anymore. You need to let her come to realise this on her own and in the mean time make yourself even more awesome! It's been just over 3 months that mine ended it with me, we were together 4 and a half years and we had the most amazing times together. I still love her now as much as I ever have and I think of her ALL THE TIME! Yes it is easier but still hurts like f**k! I was like you in the fact I couldn't eat or sleep but slowly but surely it get easier to cope. As I said and I can't stress this enough, improve yourself! Do something EPIC! This is all true. Very similar with me. 5 years, great times and now shes with someone else a week after the breakup. Gotta move on and become even better. If it truly is meant to be this person will come back with a completely open mind and heart. no bull.
fetish1980 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 knowing what i know about breakups, this will either destroy you or make you a stronger person. Hopefully you choose the latter. This girl has some brass balls in her panties. She throws all this on you, tries to blame you, then has the nerve to tell you to come and see her? She is selfish and heartless. I don't know how people do this to people who they've been with for a long time, but it happens everyday. I would be wondering why she chose to tell me about her affair. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you thought you had a special bond with for so long. I'm 15 months out of my breakup with the one i was with for 8 years. We were planning to get married, but her selfishness and irresponsiblities surfaced, so that was a bullet dodged. This must be terrible for you. I'm not going to tell you not to grieve because its an important part to the healing. Just don't stay down in grief too long. After a while, it consumes you and then obsession will kick in. Grieve, cry your eyeballs out, but also get busy with taking up a new hobby or volunteer. Trust me, i'm telling you what i know. fetish
Hope4anangel Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 really need some help and guidance please..6 years of my life goneeat and my mind is constantly on my recent break up. I have been in a serious relationship for 6 years with my ex girlfriend. We loved each other more than anything,we stuck through a lot. Even went to different universities,but we managed to see each other at weekends and it felt really special. She graduated a year before i did and she moved to a new city because of a job. we were making it work and had plans to move in together once i had graduated. however when i did graduate i moved back home whilst i was looking for a job, i did want to move in with her but didn't want to mess her around,i.e,we found a place together for me then to get a job in a different part of the country. Anyway recently i had to opportunity to go and work abroad for a month,i needed the experience and my gf wasn't going to stop me but i knew she wasn't happy because she was in a bad place because i wasn't with her.when i arrived back she told me she couldn't be with me anymore. 6 weeks on i find out she has not only been sleeping with someone else,a fitness instructor from her bootcamp classes,but they also went on holiday together. i can't believe after6 years that this has happened to me,i love her so so much and can't let go on so quickly. i thought we loved each other more than anything,i can't sleep and the thought of her sleeping with someone else kills me. and to go on holiday with him so soon,im just so gutted. i need help and advice on how to deal with this situation. thanks Hey hun, sorry to hear that you have gone through this, I can't imagine the hurt you must be going through just now. So to get this right, were you with her when you went abroad for a month to work? I am thinking that you not moving in with her like planned (even though you had a good reason) didn't go down too well with her. She felt some form of rejection and perhaps thought you were making an excuse. Whether you were together when you went to work abroad or not, I feel she might have thought 'well he isn't moving in with me and is probably abroad with some girl right now so I'll just jump on the first dude I see'. This is what would probably run through my mind should I be in her shoes. I think she felt lonely and was missing you and found someone to make her feel better - chances are he didn't. In fact, I very much doubt he did. My ex partner, also my son's dad, has been on many a holiday with ex's after a very short period of time with them. I wouldn't look too much into this as she probably just needed a holiday and he was able to go with her. Maybe she didn't have anyone else to go with and he offered to go with her. There could be many a reason why she ended up going with him. The question is, could you have her back knowing she has been with someone else? Are you willing to blank this out your mind? There is no point getting back with someone if you are going to have a constant reminder that she has been with someone else. If you feel you are able to and want to be with her, then you need to let this go. Unless she cheated on you with him, what you both did whilst apart isn't really anything to do with eachother. How did you find out about him and them going on holiday? If you were together when you went away, I don't think, personally, that I could trust someone that cheated on me. But there again, I think your situation is more complex in the fact that you were away and to her, she might have thought the relationship would probably end anyway. A lot can happen in a month of being apart. How long have you been split up now? Any communication between you both since the split?
Hope4anangel Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 "since i found out she was sleeping with someone else she has been calling me telling me i drove her to it,and that i was making her depressed. Basically making me feel guilty,i have never felt like this before and don't want to ever go through it again. I think for her to get with someone else so quickly and go on holiday with them says a lot about how she felt about me" This speaks volumes. She is trying to make herself feel better for doing what she did. Although I am thinking she was pretty gutted you didn't go through with your original plans and like I said, she was feeling rejected. Not that it makes it right whatsoever, but I am just saying what I think was going on in her mind. When me and my ex broke up, I had a string of men after him. I still loved him with all my heart but I felt I needed to do it to move on. Maybe not the best thing to do but you sure learn from your mistakes! I don't think you should question her love for you. It sounds like you were both very much in love and unfortunately, things just didn't go to plan and she made a bad judgement call. You seem like a genuine and nice guy. I seriously think she just thought you were maybe not wanting to move in with her and then working abroad that she got a rebound. Which is definitely what this guy is, a rebound.
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) You DROVE her to sleep with someone else? Yeah....right. You didn't do a damned thing accept be a faithful boyfriend. She made a choice. She decide to cheat on you. You didn't do that. She did. Look, here's a good rule of thumb. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the relationship and she can take ownership of the other 50%. But her cheating on you with her personal trainer is 100% on her. You didn't drive her to do it, she made a choice. And her choice was to cheat. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HER CHEATING!!! She had the power to say "no" and she didn't. Now, that she knows that you know the truth, NOW she wants to talk to you. To explain that this was entirely your fault. She's guilty and she knows it. She would have probably gone as far as to say that the PT had NOTHING to do with the break up. Nothing happened till AFTER the break up ( cough...cough...Bullsh*t). This won't be the last time you here from her. Even though she said, " Right then I'll block you from my life too!" I can assume that you're gonna get another text here shortly stating something along the lines of, "After six years together at least you owe me at least one more conversation!" Her guilt is probably going to get the better of her. Ignore it. Time to heal and move on. Edited May 21, 2012 by Chi townD
Author mpz Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I found out she was seeing another guy through the happy world of Facebook. I don't have her on mine anymore - as she blocked me then deleted me. But I found out from a close mutual friend, who didn't know that she had finished with me. Telling me that there was a photo of my ex kissing this guy and was everything ok? I called him to ask what else was on there as my heart started racing to which he said he shouldn't have said anything. But he told me that ther were comments about her 'having a great time and doesn't want for it to end' etc. I immediately called her up in a state, asking whether she had been away and was she seeing someone else (probably a mistake) to which she said- where have I got this information from. She ended up admitting it. Since she's been non stop calling me and messaging me. I found out who the guy was, to which I went digging and saw pictures on his facebook with her. Torturing myself I know. I have been over this relationship so many times in my head, and realising that the signs were kind of there. She was very unhappy - I just wanted to land a stable job so I could get my life on track, I never wanted her to think I was putting her last, I love her so much and my choice to go abroad to work wasn't easy. I travelled to see her and spend as much time with her as I could, believe me I spent lots on fuel and travel. I went to Qatar to work on a construction site, It was an extremely hard situation (long working days,lonely etc) however I felt I needed to do it for experience which I thought could help in searching for a job. However I think was the last straw for her. Our 6 years hasn't been perfect to say the least, there have been times in the past where I found out she was talking to other guys behind my back, this turned me into a jealous guy which I couldn't control. If she didn't get the attention she wanted from me, she would look elsewhere. On nights out she would always dress provocatively, and she would talk to any guy who talked to her, she would never say 'no I have a boyfriend'. She is gorgeous but has such low self esteem- always telling me she's fat (when she's a size 8). Hence the bootcamp training sessions. Then there's the sex, after a week or sometimes two weeks of not seeing her I you would have thought we be lusting after each other. Nope, she wasn't interested, she never wanted to flirt when we were apart. When we had sex, it would never be face to face, always spooning or with her on her front. These are the signs I should have noticed a long time ago. Now I'm thinking it was me, maybe she lost her attraction to me. This had been like this ever since she moved to a new city. I wish I had done things differently and moved in with her after finishing uni. She called numerous times again today, then messaged me asking to meet up again. I didn't reply or pick up the phone. I don't think il ever get over her sleeping with another guy..
Author mpz Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Oh and just to add, we were together when I went to work abroad, the week before I went was absolute hell however. Arguments galore, and I just felt like I wished that I didn't choose to go, but it was too late. When I was over there we spoke everyday on skype, some coversations went well and some didn't. It wasn't easy and I needed her so much when I was out there, I struggled quite a bit
Author mpz Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I was supposed to fly back to heathrow, but I managed to change my flight to Manchester. Where she lives, she picked me up and I took her out for lunch. It was great seeing her but she wasn't happy I could tell. Then she told me she couldn't be with me anymore. We had been in this situation before (it never lasted long before we were back in each others arms) I was upset when she was telling me, but I said to her I just want whatever makes you happy, I told her I would do anything for her and that while I was away I just wanted to be with her forever! I went back home, then I realised the huge mistake I had made letting her go. It's just got worse from then. Refusing to see me, speak to me, when I did speak to her she told me that she didn't love me any more and had no interest for me. Then off she goes on holiday with this guy. I think I messed up big time
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Okay, this B*tch is pissing me off. Telling you that she doesn't love you. Change your flight to be with her and she dumps you and never gives you the REAL reason why. That she was screwing her trainer!!!! Dude, I'm so tempted for you to call his boss at the gym and ask if it's standard practice for his employee's to be screwing the clientel? And that he needs to re-think this douche rockets employment before the gym has a Alienation of Affection lawsuit on their hands! You try contacting her, she ignores you. You try to reason with her, she ignores you. She blocks you and deletes you. Tries to erase you from her existance because she has you right where she wants you. Taking the entire blame for the demise of the relationship. The what happens? You find out the truth. NOW! She needs to talk to you. Needs to see you to explain. Needs you to come see her! You see, I don't know what it is. But a lot of girls hate that there might be someone in this world that doesn't think that they are a good person or someone might hate their guts. Therefore. they try anything to make things cool again, for whatever damned reason. Ignore this lying sl*t! You didn't deserve this....Damn, I'm spun up now!!!
Author mpz Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 thanks man, I couldn't agree with you more. She has manipulated this situation and I don't think il ever forgive her for it. She's only been thinking about herself and not thinking about the effect its had on me. yet another sleepless night!!
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Yeah, this is text book. Do not be shocked if you get this long e-mail trying to explain her actions. For whatever reason, she sounds like the kind of person that HAS to get the last word in. She needs to reaffirm to you that everything was entirely your fault so she can ease her own guilt. This is all selfishly motivated and not worth your time.
Tree_Salmon Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Yeah, this is text book. Do not be shocked if you get this long e-mail trying to explain her actions. For whatever reason, she sounds like the kind of person that HAS to get the last word in. She needs to reaffirm to you that everything was entirely your fault so she can ease her own guilt. This is all selfishly motivated and not worth your time. I've noticed this too. Why the hell would you care what an ex thinks of you? It's some weird self serving bull. She needs to hear the words because if she has even one second of introspection she will realize what a crappy person she is and probably wont be able to handle it. Women like these need constant reassurance that they made all the right choices and are perfect people. We know better. Don't give her anything. She's not a good person. Not to you anyway. Probably not overall. 1
Author mpz Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Why didn't I see this earlier...she used to hate me being in her room whilst she was at work. She always thought I was snooping around, even when I tidied her room she had a go at me for it!! I used to find black hairs everywhere, which I thought were from her parents dog...wtf!! She changed the password on her computer so I couldn't use it... And all this was happening right under my eyes and I never thought once about it!! This had been going on for a long time too...she had been stringing me along all this time and I never realised until I started thinking about times I had spent with her... I'm not talking to her anymore so I will probably never find out what was going on.. 2
Tree_Salmon Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Why didn't I see this earlier...she used to hate me being in her room whilst she was at work. She always thought I was snooping around, even when I tidied her room she had a go at me for it!! I used to find black hairs everywhere, which I thought were from her parents dog...wtf!! She changed the password on her computer so I couldn't use it... And all this was happening right under my eyes and I never thought once about it!! This had been going on for a long time too...she had been stringing me along all this time and I never realised until I started thinking about times I had spent with her... I'm not talking to her anymore so I will probably never find out what was going on.. You shouldn't care what was really going on. Real men bottom line peoples actions. No bull, no sugar coating.
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