Feeling overwhelmed and overloaded while husband pursues his dreams.

[bridges_squares]

I feel like an awful person for feeling this way. I am a college-graduate and I am fortunate enough to have landed a full-time job in my field which I love. However, my husband is currently a full-time student and it seems like there is no end in sight for that. He talks about pursuing his masters and his doctorate and how he never wants to work for someone else again. He is looking to move into the art field.

 

I love him and want him to follow his dreams, however, this is creating a huge load on me. We've talked about this numerous times, but it always ends in a fight. I don't want to be the only one supporting our household anymore. When we got married two years ago, I thought this phase in our life would be ending soon. I have so many hopes and dreams for myself, but because I am the only one with a salary currently, a lot of the things I would like to do just are not possible right now.

 

I feel my feelings for him waining and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet. He's so kind and really loves me for me. However, I don't think he fully understands the stress it puts me under. I would love to be treated to a date or a nice gift on my birthday... I am by no means "materialistic," but I just miss romantic gestures like that. I pay for all of our bills, meals, entertainment, household items. Sometimes, it just feels nice to be taken care of, you know? I've given up my car, buying myself clothing or various extraneous items to make sure I can provide for just our day-to-day lives. I make entry-level wage in the mid-30's, but with student loan debt - it just makes things tight.

 

It is not just monetary stress either, it is also emotionally taxing. There are so many ups and downs and just plain old uncertainty which causes him to be stressed and creates tension. It makes it hard to connect. I don't feel a "spark" like I used to.

 

Anyways, am I totally out of line? Has anyone else experienced the same thing? What can I do? I just feel so awful.

[january2011]

What does he say when you talk about these issues?

[bridges_squares]

He gets defensive. Like, he'll say, "What, do you just want be to quit school?" Then it turns into self-deprecation, "I'm just a loser, I ruined your life, etc." It is really hard to navigate through these emotions and feelings. We're both in a tough spot in our own right, but I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like my life was ruined, per se, but I do feel at times I am being held back. We've discussed this, but it turned into him feeling upset and sad.

[january2011]

Have you looked at all your options? Can he go part-time in his studies, for example and take an entry-level part-time job in his field that will at least give you extra spending money? Can you look into somehow fulfilling some of the cheaper things on your wishlist so that you feel that it's not just all about him?

 

I think that if he pursues a masters and a doctorate, he has to seriously consider doing them part-time, perhaps lecturing or tutoring. And I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to suggest that. And if he has any talent in art, he should be able to make some money, even if it's not a lot.

 

What you need to do is make a plan. You both need to agree mutual goals and strategies to work towards an ultimate end where you are both earning money to support a reasonable lifestyle. It's unreasonable for him to just think that he can carry on studying with no idea how he's going to earn money at the end of it. And in the meantime, expect you to support him and forgo everything for yourself for years. In my opinion, for better or for worse, does not mean that for years he gets the better and you get the worse.

 

From what I can see, the reality is that your quality of life is suffering and thus your relationship is heading towards breaking point. That should be the concern and responsibility of both of you to fix. Try to move past the recriminations and blame, agree a plan to move forward. It is not about whose fault it is, focus on, "what can we do about this so that we can both pursue our dreams?"

Edited May 20, 2012 by january2011

[Zane Lovepoxx]

I have a similar situation.

 

Boy + girl in a relationship = equals. individuals.

 

Wife's responsibilities and obligations:

1. Bear children.

( consider: risk of pregnancy, hormonal changes, post-partum depression, physical recovery)

2. Home project manager.

( consider: budget, scheduling, bills payment, nutritious meals, instilling values to children etc)

3. Career woman.

(Work demands her time, her to gain her place thru office politics, achieve, earn overtime pay etc)

4. Sex goddess.

(consider: keep slim, toned, up-to-date and exciting in bed (which requires mind preparation) , dirty talk, flirting with husband)

5. Perfect in-law

( consider:nothing should be out of place,polite, smart, kind, nice and giving , meet the standard etc)

 

men's expectations:

1. go on like before

 

 

I am in a situation where my boyfriend has the non negotiable of his partner should work and pay her 50%.

" I would never respect a woman who rides on my laurels"

 

Please enlighten me if I'm wrong to take offense.

[Zane Lovepoxx]

I gave him a situation.

 

me: If you have a job offer to work in another country, what would happen to us?

 

him: you'll go with me.

 

me: but i'm established in my career here.

 

him: i'll make sure that my salary covers your potential salary

 

me: but if i move there, i would start from scratch and that's no guarantee that i would be successful as quickly as I would want it to be. which means i'll be a housewife. which is exactly what you don't like.

 

me: let's turn it around. what if i get the greatest deal in my life but i would have to relocate to another country. would you go?

 

him: no. you go your way, i work here.

[bridges_squares]

I don't think there is an easy answer, Zane. I totally understand where you're coming from. There is definitely a double-standard and I dont' know if there's any way to get around it.

 

It's like, even if things are seen as "50/50," I don't necessarily think it actually ends up being that way. As you mentioned, women have so much expected of them in a relationship. I have so many extra responsibilities that my husband just "forgets" about or doesn't even pay attention to. And when he does complete a task, I feel I like I have to praise the ground he walks on. I feel like I live with a 13 year old sometimes. This wasn't the man I married two years ago. He was self-sufficient, independent, had goals... Now I live with someone who can't even remember to brush his teeth twice a day some days let alone eat lunch if I am not there to fix it for him. He cannot function properly without me, and this is not an exaggeration. I just don't know what happened.

 

I wanted to marry a man, not adopt a 25 year old son.

 

I can't shake this feeling maybe this was a mistake. I just feel so unhappy, but to be honest - I don't know how what to do.

[threebyfate]

You started taking care of him and now he expects it. So...stop taking care of him and treat him like the adult he is.

[Zane Lovepoxx]

have you tried seeking professional help? or couples therapy? i believe in exploring all avenues to find the tools both of you need to address the issues. he has to be able to accept that you feel uneasy about something and that he has to acknowledge that he has to respond to that. seek help professionally, so both of you feel you're coming in neutral territory.