Author Confused111 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Hi... Just to update my situation.. It's been 2 months since d-day I haven't seen my husband since then.. He has said sorry for upsetting me, but not Sorry for having the affair.. He's not remorseful in the slightest and I fact Tries to act the victim in fact! He told me that my reaction to him cheating on me is Extreme and unhealthy and that I need help!!! (all I have done is send abusive text messages to him - which I've stopped now).. He has also said that I have purposely made him Suffer incredibly - more than he thought anyone could Purposely inflict suffering on anyone!!! (I think for this he is referring to the fact I have been open and honest With my friends about his cheating) - he also claims I have gone out of my way to ruin his reputation! Also, I have been Told that I never apologise - even when I act appallingly..!! I have come to the conclusion that he is a complete Utter wanker - deluded, narcissistic, cowardly, lacks insight And basically is a horrible horrible selfish person.. I know I am better off without him and fully intend On enjoying myself and rebuilding a better life without him... I keep telling myself that this has been a blessing in disguise, That I was so so lucky that I wasn't pregnant or had children when this happened.. I'm lucky that he showed his true colours so early on so I didn't waste anymore time on him.. I have given up on him giving me any real explanation or apology.. He's hardly going to declare he's a selfish cowardly Cheater.. It hurts though.. Still really hurts.. I still can't comprehend how someone who made vows of commitment for Forever could do easily declare their love to someone else Just weeks after the wedding.. I'm also really angry still.. More that the wanker Has the power to hurt me so much still... Any advice on how to deal with the hurt and anger?? I guess it will just take time.. (sorry for long post!!)
iambookworm Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hi... Just to update my situation.. It's been 2 months since d-day I haven't seen my husband since then.. He has said sorry for upsetting me, but not Sorry for having the affair.. He's not remorseful in the slightest and I fact Tries to act the victim in fact! He told me that my reaction to him cheating on me is Extreme and unhealthy and that I need help!!! (all I have done is send abusive text messages to him - which I've stopped now).. He has also said that I have purposely made him Suffer incredibly - more than he thought anyone could Purposely inflict suffering on anyone!!! (I think for this he is referring to the fact I have been open and honest With my friends about his cheating) - he also claims I have gone out of my way to ruin his reputation! Also, I have been Told that I never apologise - even when I act appallingly..!! I have come to the conclusion that he is a complete Utter wanker - deluded, narcissistic, cowardly, lacks insight And basically is a horrible horrible selfish person.. I know I am better off without him and fully intend On enjoying myself and rebuilding a better life without him... I keep telling myself that this has been a blessing in disguise, That I was so so lucky that I wasn't pregnant or had children when this happened.. I'm lucky that he showed his true colours so early on so I didn't waste anymore time on him.. I have given up on him giving me any real explanation or apology.. He's hardly going to declare he's a selfish cowardly Cheater.. It hurts though.. Still really hurts.. I still can't comprehend how someone who made vows of commitment for Forever could do easily declare their love to someone else Just weeks after the wedding.. I'm also really angry still.. More that the wanker Has the power to hurt me so much still... Any advice on how to deal with the hurt and anger?? I guess it will just take time.. (sorry for long post!!) I'm glad you noticed the distinction between being sorry he hurt you and sorry for the affair. Up to a point, I can relate to your situation and am still trying to get over him as well. One big difference between us is that I was the OW, unknowingly, but still the OW. We started dating about a month after they got married. Douch huh? I called her and apologized though. He will always try to put the blame on you so just hang in there (and get a very good lawyer).
GLDheart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Tries to act the victim in fact! He has also said that I have purposely made him Suffer incredibly... This shows how weak he is. Look, your support he is still chasing (Mommy issues much?). I'm lucky that he showed his true colours so early on so I didn't waste anymore time on him... That and the strength you gain moving forward are the silver linings in this. It hurts though.. Still really hurts.. Yes. It does. It's like the emotional equivelant of rape. Any advice on how to deal with the hurt and anger?? I guess it will just take time.. You got it. The way to speed it up is to have a little fun and reach out to other people already in your life and new people too. Everyday, the percentage of time spent thinking of him will be less than the day before. Edited July 4, 2012 by GLDheart
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 F!@# him!!! Not literally, hah! I went through the juvenile cheater phase with my husband too. It was horrible, you can find my threads & posts on here. Men (and women) with this relationship idea just don't get it AT ALL. The idea is that if you made them "feel worse" then what they did was okay. So stupid. And it goes back and forth unless you break the tie. At first these guys seem to be overinterested in how YOU feel, so you come to think that you can trust them to hold you special. Then they have vile little tantrums because to them "it's all about you, and when's my turn?" even though they can't say the smallest thing about what their needs are. They just know that their needs aren't being met in some way. Instead of figuring out what is missing, and often it is something they need to be doing for themselves, they pick a target to blame. The most obvious one is their spouse (and often their kids too). "I'm unhappy, it must be your fault. I am going to complain to someone else about it because you didn't read my mind, so you don't truly know me." Arg. Idiots of the World Unite & Cheat. The housework? Really? And what would happen in his own apartment? He can't either do the damn laundry himself or let things slide if things become too busy? Will the walls fall down? The world stop spinning? He couldn't even ask? I actually believe that the domestic stuff meant that much to him. It's the same juvenile excuse I used to get. "you don't keep the house clean enough, it shows you have no respect." Well, he had to wake up and live in the back of his car for awhile. Mine got some perspective. He's also 34. It sounds like yours is still in the whining and blaming phase and won't be out of there any time soon. Part of you gets cold in the core to people's bull**** after something like this happens. I found sone great resources on what a Marriage should look like to stay healthy etc. Anything by Gottman is gold. Plus: how to improve your Marrisge without talking about it; Most importantly: Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. I know you probably aren't jumping back in the waters yet, but I found it to be a great learning experience and post-mortem when I was planning to file and he looked to be continuing to be a horse's arse. I also got the "you told everyone" wail from him many times. Well if he wouldn't have done it, there wouldn't have been anything to tell. By the way, cheaters love to use the "you're so mean and overreacting" lines over and over. Because they have to minimize their actions; otherwise they'd have to take responsibility for them. And they were avoiding the responsibility to begin with. People with flimsy and nil boundaries often accuse those with decent ones of being "mean." Too bad for him the day he realizes he's an idiot. 1
Fugu Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and am posting as I don't know what else to do. I found out 2 weeks ago my husband was having an affair. I actually found a text message on his phone where the other woman said she loved him so much - and he wrote back he "loved her more" She is a work friend of his - and I been suspicious of their involvement for a while. She has been divorced in the past and has a boyfriend of 3 years. I found no other texts as he has been deleting all evidence of them. I am completely, utterly devastated. We only got married 6 months ago. He tells me she kissed him in January - apparently the one and only time they kissed- then she kept telling him she loved him. And he eventually reciprocated. He tells me that they never slept together. How you can tell someone you love them without sleeping with them?? I also found a receipt where he spent a large amount of money on her birthday present. He tells me that he was very unhappy with our relationship. Sure we have been fighting alot - I have had alot of stress at my work - but I would never dream of him having an affair. We have been together nearly 8 years. We have a tumultuous relationship - we argue alot - but still loved eachother. Or so I thought. I've kicked him out of home. He says he's sorry. But he hasn't begged for my forgiveness. He says he doesn't think i'll ever be able to forgive him. He says he's confused. He says he likes her but doesn't know if he loves her. He tells me he loves me and cares about me. I don't know what to believe. I actually think all the signs are pointing to the fact that he doesn't want to save our relationship - and that he wants her. How could he betray me like this? Why bother getting married? I don't think I can ever forgive him - he doesn't even want my forgiveness.. Am i being an idiot for just not cutting my losses and moving on? Is there anything to save here?? If it were me, I'd just accept that the marriage was not in good faith (on his part). It sucks, but you know what to do... I think he wants out of the marriage. In fact, I doubt he ever wanted marriage, but he was just too much of a p*ssy to back out of it. Your man's a p*ssy. You already have enough of that, so why do you need more of it from him? Just go out and find a real man. 1
Trimmer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) He told me that my reaction to him cheating on me is Extreme and unhealthy and that I need help!!! Indeed, I tend to agree with him... You can tell him that you have engaged the help of a very qualified divorce lawyer! Seriously, though, as has been pointed out here, he's just lashing out, so defensively protecting himself from his shameful behavior that he's projecting all his anger outward, and you are the natural target. In case you need to hear it again: it's not on you. He is having a long-running tantrum, and cannot accept responsibility for his own actions, even as something inside him is telling him he should be ashamed. I keep telling myself that this has been a blessing in disguise, That I was so so lucky that I wasn't pregnant or had children when this happened.. Not that it makes it an easy situation, but yes, be thankful that it isn't just that much harder, dragging children through all of it. It hurts though.. Still really hurts.. I still can't comprehend how someone who made vows of commitment for Forever could do easily declare their love to someone else Just weeks after the wedding.. I understand the pain. And sometimes it's hard not to put it on yourself, like the whole situation is a judgment on my value or my worth. But stay confident in yourself and your worth. Don't let him be your measuring stick - he's now proved himself crazy; you stay confident in your self-image. Any advice on how to deal with the hurt and anger?? I guess it will just take time.. Yes, it does take time, but it does get better. It's a process, and it happens gradually. There's no one single thing that "fixes" it, not one single "aha!" moment where everything turns the corner. But it comes from eventually being able to look forward, by not being too tied to looking backward. Knowing - beign confident - that there's a future out there that you are headed toward with some kind of enthusiasm. I'm not even sure whether it was a cause or an effect, but when I started realizing that I was spending gradually less time agonizing and analyzing, and gradually more time looking forward, and imagining the possibilities, I knew I was going to be OK. It still goes in jumps and jerks, and sometimes you have setbacks, but in the big picture, you keep chugging forward, and over time, the trip becomes more clearly your journey into your future. And another thing: this is going to sound so totally cliché, but for a couple years during my lowest time, I took to working out at the gym a couple times a week. Aside from buffing up a little bit (I was like a teenager, checking my body out in the mirror and stuff...) it was just a way of taking some time for myself, treating myself well, and the physical workout helped me feel better in general. Bottom line: treat yourself well, including physically, and consider some kind of exercise that works for you, if you aren't already. Helps you sleep better, feel better in general... (Actually, I could use a bit of that again - maybe I should stir up some of that old bitterness to get me going! ) (sorry for long post!!) Ha! You should see some of mine... Edited July 5, 2012 by Trimmer
Author Confused111 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Thanks everyone for your posts and your support.. Dreaming - you have described the bastard perfectly..!! Don't know if I've mentioned already that a few weeks before Our wedding we discovered that his father had been cheating on his mother for 20-30 years. Both of his uncles have also has affairs The department he works in also has a multitude of affairs happening.. He saw how devastated his mother was... Didn't talk to his father for weeks afterwards... And now he's exactly the same.. Except I won't be taking him back like his mother took the father back.. I guess with role models like those - he was doomed!!.. I just don't understand how someone can be in such denial that they blame their spouse for their disgusting affair!!.. I guess I need to stop trying to understand!!!... Thanks again guys.. Knowing (sadly) I'm not the only one that has gone through this and that my reactions and feelings are normal is very helpful..!!
Author Confused111 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Owl - no not officially. I'm in Australia and there is no annulment of marriage unless you were co-erced into marriage or there was fraud (hmm maybe I can play that card??) Also to divorce within the first year of marriage, you need to see a counsellor first.. And you need to be separated for a year.. I don't even want to see him again, even with the counsellor!!.. Though I guess to speed things up with the divorce I'll need to.. He's behaved so appallingly post d-day - its like he's insane.. (don't know if I've mentioned previously he broke into my house with the police the day after I kicked him out, also broke In through a window after he found out of changed the locks.. On top Of blaming me for his affair and telling me how he's suffering and how I've gone out of my way to make him suffer and ruin his reputation..) The more I write the more insane he seems..!!
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He's behaved so appallingly post d-day - its like he's insane.. (don't know if I've mentioned previously he broke into my house with the police the day after I kicked him out, also broke In through a window after he found out of changed the locks.. On top Of blaming me for his affair and telling me how he's suffering and how I've gone out of my way to make him suffer and ruin his reputation..) The more I write the more insane he seems..!! Reminds me of an adage I read recently: "The only way to truly know a person is to argue with them. For when they argue in full swing, then they reveal their true character." - Anne Frank
Author Confused111 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Reminds me of an adage I read recently: "The only way to truly know a person is to argue with them. For when they argue in full swing, then they reveal their true character." - Anne Frank So true...!!.. And in my ex's case.. That's one very ugly true character..!!
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Just wait until you hear the dumb **** he is going to say about you during the divorce. Oh you probably beat him, raped him, tied him to a tree, reincarnated Saddam Hussein just to date him, the list goes on. Head high, forward march.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Most likely he will claim you were cheating on him with "like, everyone." It'll be like a Maury Povich "that baby ain't mine" episode. And the judge will just look at him cross-eyed, exhale slightly and dismiss his case and give you the divorce, or annulment. (I think that you should go that route, truly.) Plus the counselor is not a bad thing. He can be subpoenaed to stake the veracity of your story later. The whole thing is just a pain in the ass. It's too bad you didn't catch him just before the wedding.
Author Confused111 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Feeling better and less angry today!!! I've decided to cut all ties.. I'm changing all the locks Moving to a new place Change my phone number/emails etc etc... I've even made plans to relocate overseas for the next 2 years (something i've always wanted to do but couldn't as was tied to the bastard...).. I've got great things to look forward to...(just have to keep reminding myself of this!!) If it comes to it i've already got a good lawyer (and from his nasty behaviour i'm sure it will come to that).. I'm off on a holiday today for 2 weeks with a girlfriend... going to live it up and enjoy myself and minimise time wasted spent thinking about things I can't change... Thanks again everyone for your support..!!.. 3
Author Confused111 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Hey guys disappointed i am updating again so soon after that last post found out yesterday that dickhead has booked an expensive romantic holidays away with his whore..\\he didn't even have the nerve to tell me that they were in an actual relationship together feeling really angry and incredulous that they could sink this low have they no shame!!!! so infuriating!!!! *sorry for bad punctuation am in europe and not used to keyboards_
nofool4u Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Am i being an idiot for just not cutting my losses and moving on? I'm not going to call you that. Its a hard thing to deal with. I will say that if he is already cheating this soon, that time isn't going to help it any. He got the 7 year itch in two months. He'll be cheating again sometime soon. Is there anything to save here?? No. Get an annulment while you can.
jnj express Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Your mge., is a fraud---he admitted to knowing her well, even while being engaged to you---that should be all you need to get an anulment---otherwise, come to the U S A, settle in for a while in Nevada---D, is easy there-------good luck to you
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Hey guys disappointed i am updating again so soon after that last post found out yesterday that dickhead has booked an expensive romantic holidays away with his whore..The best revenge is your own success - without him.
wheream_i Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Looks like he did the right thing by getting married. Jesus F. Christ.
alexandria35 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Hey guys disappointed i am updating again so soon after that last post found out yesterday that dickhead has booked an expensive romantic holidays away with his whore..\\he didn't even have the nerve to tell me that they were in an actual relationship together feeling really angry and incredulous that they could sink this low have they no shame!!!! so infuriating!!!! *sorry for bad punctuation am in europe and not used to keyboards_ Hey confused, I just want to say that I admire how well you have been handling your situation. I know it's been painful for you but I think you are doing amazing. He is probably in relationship with her now because she's the only one who isn't looking at him like he's a complete moronic ass. She still gives him lovey dovey eyes and since everyone else is probably disgusted by him he is hanging onto her. It won't last, but if it does then good, they deserve each other.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Darn, If only you cracked the housework out a little sooner, you could have been on a "romantic" getaway with Stupid. Seriously, how can he say you ruined his rep now, really? How long has it been and you are both still married? Omg, Honey, he will just seem to sink so so much lower and it will hurt more and more until somewhere in you the stupid line will just be crossed so far that the hurt line won't even notice. I know it's hard to hear others thrash him because emotionally you will be back and forth. But you'll be able to see him unemotionally probably very soon. Like just wow. The lights are dim and no one is home in this case!
Recommended Posts