Confused111 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and am posting as I don't know what else to do. I found out 2 weeks ago my husband was having an affair. I actually found a text message on his phone where the other woman said she loved him so much - and he wrote back he "loved her more" She is a work friend of his - and I been suspicious of their involvement for a while. She has been divorced in the past and has a boyfriend of 3 years. I found no other texts as he has been deleting all evidence of them. I am completely, utterly devastated. We only got married 6 months ago. He tells me she kissed him in January - apparently the one and only time they kissed- then she kept telling him she loved him. And he eventually reciprocated. He tells me that they never slept together. How you can tell someone you love them without sleeping with them?? I also found a receipt where he spent a large amount of money on her birthday present. He tells me that he was very unhappy with our relationship. Sure we have been fighting alot - I have had alot of stress at my work - but I would never dream of him having an affair. We have been together nearly 8 years. We have a tumultuous relationship - we argue alot - but still loved eachother. Or so I thought. I've kicked him out of home. He says he's sorry. But he hasn't begged for my forgiveness. He says he doesn't think i'll ever be able to forgive him. He says he's confused. He says he likes her but doesn't know if he loves her. He tells me he loves me and cares about me. I don't know what to believe. I actually think all the signs are pointing to the fact that he doesn't want to save our relationship - and that he wants her. How could he betray me like this? Why bother getting married? I don't think I can ever forgive him - he doesn't even want my forgiveness.. Am i being an idiot for just not cutting my losses and moving on? Is there anything to save here??
Artie Lang Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) He tells me that they never slept together. can't trust this. keep digging. He tells me that he was very unhappy with our relationship wtf?! you've only been married for six months. he should've thought about this before he married you. But he hasn't begged for my forgiveness. He says he's confused. He says he likes her but doesn't know if he loves her. he doesn't even want my forgiveness.. this is all you need to know. if she's a work friend, he needs to look for another job. he cannot be in further contact with her, if you wish to save whatever remains of this sham you call a marriage. sorry for being blunt. Edited May 20, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author Confused111 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 No - thank you for being blunt. I need it to move on. He admitted to me he has told her he loves her - to her face. Still denying they slept together. He still is saying he's confused and has no idea what he wants. So i'm making the decision. I'm moving on. I was toying with the idea of going to a marriage counsellor but I think I've been too betrayed. I too don't understand why he married me if he was just going to do this 4 months later... I don't understand.. I guess I never will...
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Six short months of marriage and he cheated on you so early on. .. Sorry and I know you're hurting but I think you're doing the right thing by letting go and moving on. File for divorce. He is not remorseful, nor is he asking/begging for another chance..he hasn't quit his job to get away from the OW, he hasn't ended it with her either. This is so shi.tty, what he's done to you but better now than 4-5 years down the road when you have children to think of.. At least there are no kids in this mess. Do take care of yourself, talk to your family and friends to help you through this. 2
96nole Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 No - thank you for being blunt. I need it to move on. He admitted to me he has told her he loves her - to her face. Still denying they slept together. He still is saying he's confused and has no idea what he wants. So i'm making the decision. I'm moving on. I was toying with the idea of going to a marriage counsellor but I think I've been too betrayed. I too don't understand why he married me if he was just going to do this 4 months later... I don't understand.. I guess I never will... Keep asking everyone to be blunt, it helped me as well. Where has he been staying since you threw him out? Since he is "confused", it's good that you made a decision. I think you made the right one. He told her he loves her. RED FLAG He's confused. RED FLAG only 4 months after getting married: BIG RED FLAG He is in the 'affair fog'. He thinks everything is sunshine and roses with that other woman. It's not reality. Think about it, how much time has he really spent with her. Even if it doesn't work out with her and he wants you back. There is a very good chance he would do it again. 1
Author Confused111 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 He's been staying with his parents. He's told me he hasn't contacted her- but I don't believe him. He had promised me that he wouldn't contact her until we had a chance to work on us - but who can believe anything he says? He's not asked if he can move back in. In fact he's looking for somewhere to move to. The more I write the facts the more it's clear that we are over and I have to move on. And yes you're right - it is lucky we don't have kids.. I still don't understand though - why bother getting married if you're going to cheat so soon afterwards??..
96nole Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I still don't understand though - why bother getting married if you're going to cheat so soon afterwards??.. You're going to want to beat your head against the wall with that question. Someone I work with has a favorite saying when dealing with crazy people or their crazy decisions: "you can't argue with crazy". He is definitely crazy. If you haven't already, ask him. It may be interesting to hear what he has to say. 2
Artie Lang Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 He's not asked if he can move back in. In fact he's looking for somewhere to move to. there you go, right there. The more I write the facts the more it's clear that we are over and I have to move on. pretty much. I still don't understand though - why bother getting married if you're going to cheat so soon afterwards??.. you want my opinion-- he's been cheating all along. if she works with him, the rabbit hole goes much deeper. the safety and stability of a marriage were appealing to him- a source of comfort. this way he could cheat with his co-worker, while having you(his wife) as a safety net. this guy's been "cake-eating."
Author Confused111 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Thank you all for your support It's just so hard I've been floored Everything I believed about my life was just a lie I feel humiliated really.. Though i know it was all HIS fault and not mine at all. I just have to keep telling myself I'm a better person than him and that I deserve better (i can't help but hoping both him and his *hore are miserable for the rest of their lives though)
Artie Lang Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 you're a lot farther along than most. you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. i know it sounds cliche, but you deserve better... really, you do. 3
BetrayedH Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 It really is astonishing how people can betray the person closest to them, that has dedicated their life to them. Rest assured that you are not remotely alone. You'll find a lot of other betrayed spouses here that have suffered the same shock and sense of humiliation as you. Our situations are each unique but there are definitely some consistent patterns when it comes to this. Keep educating yourself and try to use your head more than your heart. Sadly, I agree with another poster that this has likely been going on well before you got married. And the likelihood that they didn't get physical...you already know the answer to that question. Keep in mind that cheating makes them a liar by default. The mantra is to lie, deny, and lie some more. They can do a lot to justify it in their heads ("I was trying not to hurt you.") It is very common (damn near 100%) that try to minimize it and frequently do it for months or years after continued claims that they have finally told you the truth. To some extent, it seems you're lucky that your H is not a very good liar. As to wanting to undertand it, you likely never will. It's frustrating. I don't get what my wife did either and I'm over a year into this. In my case, it was a 13 month affair 12 years into our marriage and when we have two small kids. If anything, consider yourself fortunate that you discovered it early and without children. And while it may hurt, his lack of remorse makes the decision easier for you. Just know that there is life after this. I never wanted to be one of those people that got divorced. Now I've learned that being part of that 50% truly isn't the end of the world. Go make a second life for yourself and realize that while you may feel humiliated, but you did what you're supposed to do in a marriage - you trusted your spouse. If anything, he's made a fool of himself. Good luck to you and I encourage you to keep posting. There is more drama to come and you'll need the support and advice that comes from this place. 1
Author Confused111 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Thank you again everyone for your support.. It's not easy...but I can get through this. I know have some really great friends and I am a strong person so I will get through this. I know that he's not good enough for me - so if she wants my rejects - she can have them. I also know she is a complete heartless b*tch. So he can have her too... I know I will never understand. But hope that I will be able to move on and forget this part of my life.. And yes I'd rather be on my own and happy than with a liar..!! I'm sorry to hear that so many other people have been through this - but comforted also. Thank you everyone again..
YellowShark Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Your so-called "husband" is a douchebag. Sorry but he really is. 6 months in and he's already thrown you under a bus. What a creep. Even worse is he *knew* he was being a total creep and *still* went through with the wedding. That's just sick and toxic. Remember, anything he says is lie. He will not tell you the truth about the OW. Only his censored version. Wash you hands, be done with him.. seek an annulment if you can. He was DEFINITELY "Not intending, when marrying, to remain faithful to the spouse." 3
Author Confused111 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I have made my decision to move on but I will need to take it one step at a time.. The more I think about what he's said and what he's done I know I can't ever forgive him. Thank you again everyone for your support. 2
Author Confused111 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 I feel like even more of an idiot today I tried to give him another chance - to say he cared and wanted to try to see if we could work things out.. And got..nothing.. i'm so angry at myself..
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I feel like even more of an idiot today I tried to give him another chance - to say he cared and wanted to try to see if we could work things out.. And got..nothing.. i'm so angry at myself.. Don't be angry at yourself. You love him and he turned your world upside down..You love him and all this JUST happened so it's not like you can turn it all off and not feel anything. You said vows, you were expecting a life with him.. Sadly he fu,ced that up and ruined it all. You want to give him a chance(s) to see if he'll come back to you and want to work on things. The thing is, he needs to see what life is like without you and needs to suffer some major consquences of his cheating ways. You should tell his parents, your in laws. Talk to your family too and make sure you have people around to support you through this.
Author Confused111 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 I just don't understand how he could have claimed to have loved me just a few short months ago - declaring it to our friends and families at our wedding.. and just be so cruel and heartless now.. it's like he's turned into a monster.. He's made a joke out of the last 8 years of my life...and our relationship...and our farce of a marriage... I can't help but think what is so good about the OW that has made him willing to give up all of this AND hurt me so horribly???...
Bellechica Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I can't help but think what is so good about the OW that has made him willing to give up all of this AND hurt me so horribly???... ------please don't think there is anything great about her. She did this with your H. This isn't your fault. He will realize what he has jeopardized and how low he is to do this to you.
96nole Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I just don't understand how he could have claimed to have loved me just a few short months ago - declaring it to our friends and families at our wedding.. and just be so cruel and heartless now.. it's like he's turned into a monster.. He's made a joke out of the last 8 years of my life...and our relationship...and our farce of a marriage... I can't help but think what is so good about the OW that has made him willing to give up all of this AND hurt me so horribly???... I know exactly how you feel. My STBX has completely turned against me also. There is something wrong with him. The OW may just be saying all the right words at the right time. She's feeding his ego. What really sucks is that in most cases, the BS has no chance during the affair. We are in reality. The cheater is in fantasy land. The poster Furious has a great post about the BS. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/321351-unknown-role-betrayed-spouse-plays-affair
Author Confused111 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 So i had a talk to my H tonight - well until he hung up on me. I asked him exactly what happened that led him to the OW. He said he was so unhappy with our marriage (for STUPID reasons might I add - I am studying for a massive massive exam so had been stressed about that AND I hadn't been doing the housework) That he didn't think I cared about him So he got dragged in by this wench. I asked him exactly how he could tell another woman he loved her after such a short time -and he had the nerve to say that he's known her for years - like that makes it better!! He doesn't know if he loves her still. He doesn't know if he wants a relationship with her. He states that when he was having his disgusting affair and telling her he loved her that he felt guilty. Yet he continued it. Yet he thinks he has a conscience. All mutually exclusive things I would have thought. They even went out with the OW's boyfriend!!! all together!! I mean how disgusting is that??!! He's an idiot is my conclusion. I'm better than him and better off without him. what an IDIOT. He's in complete denial about his behaviour. He even tried to say "this happens all the time" - like somehow that makes it all ok!! GRRR!!!
Radu Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 I think he was trying to sabotage his marriage. Is he the passive-agressive type ? PS: Good for you for taking a stand, you do deserve better. I wish other BS's would do this more often. 1
Artie Lang Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 stop engaging him, already. you have your answer-- he doesn't love you. you deserve so much more than what he's giving you.
BetrayedH Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 So i had a talk to my H tonight - well until he hung up on me. I asked him exactly what happened that led him to the OW. He said he was so unhappy with our marriage (for STUPID reasons might I add - I am studying for a massive massive exam so had been stressed about that AND I hadn't been doing the housework) That he didn't think I cared about him So he got dragged in by this wench. I asked him exactly how he could tell another woman he loved her after such a short time -and he had the nerve to say that he's known her for years - like that makes it better!! He doesn't know if he loves her still. He doesn't know if he wants a relationship with her. He states that when he was having his disgusting affair and telling her he loved her that he felt guilty. Yet he continued it. Yet he thinks he has a conscience. All mutually exclusive things I would have thought. They even went out with the OW's boyfriend!!! all together!! I mean how disgusting is that??!! He's an idiot is my conclusion. I'm better than him and better off without him. what an IDIOT. He's in complete denial about his behaviour. He even tried to say "this happens all the time" - like somehow that makes it all ok!! GRRR!!! Sadly, you're likely to be left not understanding his thought processes or what's happened. I think "he's an idiot" is the best conclusion you'll find for yourself. You're likely to keep searching for a better understanding and still land in he same place. As other posters have said, you got there earlier than most. Try not to get sucked back into it all. There's a big tendency for us as betrayed spouses to process it, understand it and learn how to forgive so we can repair the relationship. It's not impossible but from my year of reading here daily, it is extraordinarily rare to find the right combination. You need an enormously remorseful wayward spouse and a ridiculously forgiving betrayed spouse, both of whom are fully committed to years of grief, anger, and lack of trust while rebuilding happens. It doesn't sound like you are leaning that direction and he couldn't be further from truly remorseful. The sooner you detach the better. I'm sorry for what you are going thru. None of us deserved it. 2
Cobber9 Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 Confused, it's your ego wanting to know why, put that aside, focus on the actions. It's all we can measure people by. This guy isn't ready for love, or marriage, and he certainly isn't worthy of you. Keep your self respect, time is the most valuable thing we have in life, do not waste any further on him. And yes, he has been having sex with her, probably for a long time, probably when he got back from the honeymoon a few days later. Don't believe otherwise. Had you not found the message he would have continued, and probably still is. It's easy to buy a second cell phone to still have contact with her. Divorce, reestablish you, your values, and don't waiver from it. It's a dastardly thing to do to you, it can't be love. 1
Just_A_Poster Posted May 25, 2012 Posted May 25, 2012 ....it's like he's turned into a monster.. He's made a joke out of the last 8 years of my life...and our relationship...and our farce of a marriage.... Ahhhh, yes. The cheating little weasel has now begun engaging in the douchebaggery known as "rewriting history." Tell him he's so damned cliche he's a joke. 1
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