MissBee Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) WHy are you sorry of my observation? and Who are still together? The affair partners or the WS and their BS ? If you are talking about people staying in affairs, I feel sorry for them. I really like this topic. An interesting thing I have found when this subject of personal observation and As comes up, is that what people personally observe is almost as skewed as how LS is. In terms of, often times those still in As or who are more sympathetic to As, seem to know more people whose As weren't so bad, worked out, the APs got together etc. Sometimes in discussion it has been expressed as this was the norm witnessed by them where they know lots of people in their circle who this has happened for. While a lot of other people find the opposite or other people not on that side of the spectrum may find more of a mixture, where they know some who it worked out and a lot more who it didn't. I cannot deny anyone their personal experience. Yet, I wonder what results in this skew? Is it that we just see what we want to see? Are people in As, or whose As became normal drawn to other people like that so they seem to just know a lot more of those people or focus on them more? Are people on the opposite end finding the opposite because of a focus there? What do neutral parties have to say...as in, outside of LS and outside of anyone being an AP, BS, former OW/OM,etc...what do people who have never been in an A have to observe about this in terms of recalling people in their lives and their As? Would such people, with no horse in the race so to speak, have more "realistic" observations? It's interesting. But I guess that is why personal anecdotes often need to go hand in hand with studies, where we can see if our lay observations match up to any kind of overarching pattern. Edited May 20, 2012 by MissBee 2
Author East7 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I really like this topic. An interesting thing I have found when this subject of personal observation and As comes up, is that what people personally observe is almost as skewed as how LS is. In terms of, often times those still in As or who are more sympathetic to As, seem to know more people whose As weren't so bad, worked out, the APs got together etc. Sometimes in discussion it has been expressed as this was the norm witnessed by them where they know lots of people in their circle who this has happened for. While a lot of other people find the opposite or other people not on that side of the spectrum may find more of a mixture, where they know some who it worked out and a lot more who it didn't. Great comment to which I totally adhere. We have no right to doubt anyone's feedback about real life affairs. Yet, I have noticed that people who are still in the As, tempt to find "success stories" while others, like me, tempt to see the failure-stories instead. As much as I am glad for those whose As have worked out, as much I don't believe in relationships which foundation is based on infidelity and hurting a third person. Former affair partners bear too much guilt, insecurity and trust issues that it takes a lot of work to keep build a real exclusive relationship. On the other hand those who really love each-other are motivated to make it work and have more experience to bring (not repeating the same mistakes, etc etc) 1
y2k Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Women almost never go backwards lifestyle-wise. Were you able to provide provide, more or less, the same standard of living economically speaking as her H??? Did you have any future prospects of doing just as well (or better) than her H??? If the answers to those question are "no", then congrats..........because you just found the reason why she didn't leave. Potential lifestyle change is a huge factor. If you could "compete" with the H in that aspect, and if you could have a future, standard of living speaking, the same or better than the H, then one can "steal a wife away" so to speak. The "kids" thing is an excuse, and a poor one at that. If parents separate, that doesn't mean a child loses one parent. If a women were to leave her husband for another man, then the father of that child is still the father of that child either way. Relationship status of the parents should make no difference in parenting. Those are two different distinct things. It's 2012, NOT 1950. Ok my observations: I have know a few women who have left their husbands to be with another man. So far, those marriages are working fine except for one. The women, in those cases, left for men with about equal earning power (standard of living) in comparison with the betrayed husbands with ONE exception (which I will explain later). There was no extreme change in standard of living. All the women already had children with the BS during the A, and when they divorced their husbands, they all had new children with their new husbands, and kept custody of their other children. Economics plays a big role. If the H of the MW is a professional and you're not, then don't be shocked if she doesn't budge. As for the "exception" I mentioned, the OM still had a legit future ahead of him: It was a young 22 year old college student who stole away a 39 year old woman from a man who was a professional making $80,000 a year. The woman also worked, but didn't make great money to be on her own. She went wild for the younger guy, and she knew he would have an economic future comparable to her husband's in time. Needless to say, the affair happened, and she left her husband (full divorce) to be with the younger man. They got married (pretty quickly). At first, the younger guy made beginner salary ($45,000-$55,000) as he finished college and became a professional. But after a few years, he was able to give the woman the same standard of living as she had with her ex-husband, since a professional can "climb the ladder" economically so to speak. Today they're REALLY happy, and it's been like 8 years already. In this case, the OM was not up to the same level as the H economically speaking at first..............but since he had a bright future (of which the MW knew about), the young man had a chance. Then there's the other factor in case you didn't notice.........the guy was WAY younger. This brings me to another factor that can help an OM/OW... If you're significantly younger than the MW/MM, don't be so shocked if the MW/MM falls head-over-heels in love with you to the point of that person re-evaluating their future, especially if they realize that you could be legit. And if you're a man, combine being really younger with a potential to have a legit standard-of-living comparable to the H and you've got a nice 50/50 shot to steal the wife. Yes....age can be a factor. Being younger can be an advantage.....a HUGE one. How many older men leave their wives of the same age to go run off with a younger hotter girl??? And don't think women wouldn't do it either given the opportunity. It's just that most older married women don't get to meet hotter professional younger men at the same rate that married men meet hotter younger women. But if an older married woman were to meet such a man who shares legit feelings for her, don't be shocked if her marriage breaks, and a new one (with the younger man) were to be born, ESPECIALLY if there were problems in the original marriage to begin with. I bet most of the OM/OW here on loveshack were basically in the same age range as their MW/MM. And of the OM, I bet most weren't with the potential to have an economic future comparable with the H. This is why the cases here of "stealing the spouses away" didn't work. Consider these facts. Just my two cents. Any thoughts??? Wow . . . . not a nice portrayal of the female gender??? I left but dMM's potential income level has never factored in. I have supported myself before and after the marriage. In fact I now gross more than both dMM and my ex husband and when I left my marriage I was gross in more than my spouse. I have never believed that my role is to depend on a man or my standard of living was dependent on a man. My decision to leave my spouse had more to do with compatability, shared interests, love, and passion. Lifestyle is easily acquired or lost. While I enjoy the things I can buy they are not a priority in my life. I grew up with less and would be fine going back to a different lifestyle. But either way my future comforts are controlled by me and no one else. I would never depend on anyone else for what I need. I'm sorry if I made that sounds bad against women. I admire those women who make their own bread, and who never depend on a man for "security" or finances. I only wish there were more. I truly mean that when I say it. But I just wrote down my observations, and I just noticed the constant. I would definitely say that a more financially independent and independent minded woman wouldn't care about finances, and would only go off with the guy she really is crazy about, whom she loves. Again, we can just ask most of the single OM here why their MW didn't leave, and most of the time we'll find that the OM wasn't able to have a standard of living comparable to the H. I hope to hear input from the OM on this forum who weren't about to "steal the wife away". It will probably be the case that there was no potential standard of living equality.
Got it Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Great comment to which I totally adhere. We have no right to doubt anyone's feedback about real life affairs. Yet, I have noticed that people who are still in the As, tempt to find "success stories" while others, like me, tempt to see the failure-stories instead. As much as I am glad for those whose As have worked out, as much I don't believe in relationships which foundation is based on infidelity and hurting a third person. Former affair partners bear too much guilt, insecurity and trust issues that it takes a lot of work to keep build a real exclusive relationship. On the other hand those who really love each-other are motivated to make it work and have more experience to bring (not repeating the same mistakes, etc etc) Well I am no longer in the affair and my observations have been pre and post affair and actually not during my affair. I only knew of one other affair when I was in mine and no at that time it was not a good situation for the OW.
Radagast Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Great comment to which I totally adhere. We have no right to doubt anyone's feedback about real life affairs. Yet, I have noticed that people who are still in the As, tempt to find "success stories" while others, like me, tempt to see the failure-stories instead. I agree about the correlation, but disagree about the implied causality. I don't think it is so much a case of people choosing to see (or acknowledge) examples that back up their own argument, although that may certainly be so as well. I think it is more likely that in situations where infidelity is more visible, more accepted and more normalised that successful affairs can act as role models for those seeking similar positive outcomes in their own situations, and for people in affairs to receive the levels of social support from friends and family to help them resolve issues in their relationships as they arise and to affirm their choices. Studies show that a supportive environment increases the chance of success in other contexts so why should that same logic not apply in the case of affair relationships? Former affair partners bear too much guilt, insecurity and trust issues that it takes a lot of work to keep build a real exclusive relationship. I think this is an assumption that is valid in only a subset of cases. Certainly my first marriage fitted the bill in that it was characterised by insecurity and trust though I very much doubt my exwife felt any guilt and she certainly never demonstrated any. However my second marriage is free from these concerns because trust and security were built up through the course of the affair and the marriage had a good and stable base on which to build as a result. On the other hand those who really love each-other are motivated to make it work and have more experience to bring (not repeating the same mistakes, etc etc) This has definitely been my experience. My wife and I have both been married before and we both appreciate what we have now and prioritise our relationship.
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