Pierre Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Why must I spend more money simply because Im the man? Why should I be deemed cheap if I like an even split? Seems fair to me. Maybe I have reason to be secretive about my job situation in the future so I can make sure thats not much of a factor in a chick dating me. Perhaps I am unfair. Maybe I am comparing paying for my GF versus others that date different folks through OLD every week. I can see how it could be frustrating to go on 20-30 dates with different women and pay each time. That is one of the reasons I don't believe in OLD. However, some folks have been conditioned to feel that someone is taking advantage of them if they don't go dutch.
kaylan Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Perhaps I am unfair. Maybe I am comparing paying for my GF versus others that date different folks through OLD every week. I can see how it could be frustrating to go on 20-30 dates with different women and pay each time. That is one of the reasons I don't believe in OLD. However, some folks have been conditioned to feel that someone is taking advantage of them if they don't go dutch. I wouldnt say mulidating applies to this thread. While I feel dutch makes the most sense when multidating, OP is in a committed relationship. Given this, I do think her boyfriend should eyeball finances more rather than try to accurately count everything. even with this being said, I do feel hes within his right to want things to be halfsies. As long as he isnt mooching on her I dont fault him for his behavior. However, if OP has a hard time doing things with him or affording things for herself, I do think itd be nice for him to chip in more. My ex was a sweet heart and helped me out some before my junior year of college when I coudlnt find summer work. I dont think someone should feel entitled to that and expect it from someone though. You should just appreciate the help if it comes. The reason some folks feel taken advantage of if they dont go dutch is because there are people out there who take advantage of others. Id say more women feel that way than men since a lot of women have the expectation that a man should be the payer. I havent dated such women myself, but we have seen women here say they respect a man less when they have to pay for themselves or for him. Guys will read some posts on this forum and feel that if they ever have to lean on their woman for support, that she will respect him less. It shouldnt be like that, and dudes should know theres plenty of women out there not like that.
Frank13 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 When I started dating my bf, I let it be known I'd do my share of paying for stuff. Sounds like this is the source of your problem. If some girl made a hard ass statement like this, I would do just as he is doing. What is he supposed to do, figure out a formula or percentage? Was that ever discussed? Maybe he is making you pay more than half so he doesn't disrespect your wishes of "doing your share to pay for stuff". Everyone here seems to be forgetting that you set this up.
LZ2000 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 When I started dating my bf, I let it be known I'd do my share of paying for stuff. I didn't want to be the gf that expected him to pay for everything. I'm thinking I should have went about that in a different. He makes quite a bit more than I do(close to 12k more than me a year) and we pay about the same in bills, yet I pay for at least half of our dates/hang outs/dinners and sometimes I pay for even more than he does. He rarely offers to pay for extra stuff (like if I make him cookies or margaritas or something) or if I say I can't afford to go to a movie or baseball game, he won't offer to pay. And I owed him $10 from last week. He took me to get ice cream last night and asked me to pay for it since I owed him $ any way. It was $10!!!! How do I bring this up and let him know it's not ok? He is a great guy and we have a good relationship ..he is sweet in so many other ways. But I've heard cheap ass ways are never a good sign. Advice please. To be honest, I believe that your boyfriend's "supposedly unfair" percentage of sharing costs has triggered this perspective and opinion of yours in the first place. And while I do truly believe that sharing costs equally when dating is something I am agreeable with, your situation should never ever be an issue that compromise the state of a great genuine romantic relationship and cause any conflict that will bring about bitterness and bad feelings towards one another. However, you may wish to bring this matter to him. Do so with the utmost respect and care towards your boyfriend.
Pierre Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I wouldnt say mulidating applies to this thread. While I feel dutch makes the most sense when multidating, OP is in a committed relationship. Given this, I do think her boyfriend should eyeball finances more rather than try to accurately count everything. even with this being said, I do feel hes within his right to want things to be halfsies. As long as he isnt mooching on her I dont fault him for his behavior. However, if OP has a hard time doing things with him or affording things for herself, I do think itd be nice for him to chip in more. My ex was a sweet heart and helped me out some before my junior year of college when I coudlnt find summer work. I dont think someone should feel entitled to that and expect it from someone though. You should just appreciate the help if it comes. The reason some folks feel taken advantage of if they dont go dutch is because there are people out there who take advantage of others. Id say more women feel that way than men since a lot of women have the expectation that a man should be the payer. I havent dated such women myself, but we have seen women here say they respect a man less when they have to pay for themselves or for him. Guys will read some posts on this forum and feel that if they ever have to lean on their woman for support, that she will respect him less. It shouldnt be like that, and dudes should know theres plenty of women out there not like that. If you get married? Will you continue to go dutch? Will you want her to carry her own weight at all times?
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 This kind of behaviour would also bother me. He has no problem to spoil himself but asks you 10 $ back? Big turn-off. I want a guy who likes to spend some money on me. That does not mean he has to pay for everything all the time and when I love a man I also love to spend money on him and I won't keep scores. But when I start feeling I spend more on him than he spends on me, and on top of that he keeps the score, the relationship would be quickly over. For the record, I am not a golddigger, I have a comfortable salary and would never want to have shared bank accounts with my partner. I just want him to be generous, also with money.
xxoo Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Generosity is attractive. If generosity is important to you, look for it in a mate. I don't understand splitting things straight down the middle, esp if there is a difference in ability to pay. Even with friends, we treat according to our means. I'll have a young, poor couple over and give them steaks and micro-brew beer, because we can afford it, while they might return the favor with coors lights and chips and salsa another time. A better off couple might treat my family to a meal at a high end steak house, while I'll return the favor with steaks and micro-brews in my back yard. If we all insisted on splitting things down the middle, we'd limit company and activities to what we each can afford. I'd rather treat people I like to activities I like, than be limited by their income, and the generous people I know feel the same. 6
zengirl Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Why must I spend more money simply because Im the man? Why should I be deemed cheap if I like an even split? Seems fair to me. The OP specifically said she never expects anyone to pay more because he's a man, so that's not really applicable. The reason she's questioning her BF's ways is because: (I'll address them point-by-point.) 1.) He makes considerably more than her without having greater bills -- he's happy to spend it on things for himself, but if she can't afford an activity, he never offers to cover her. This tells me he isn't really committed to her. Seriously. It doesn't matter if he's a man or a woman --- covering someone's ticket SOMETIMES to a baseball game you suggest, if you can afford it (and it sounds like he can) and the other person cannot because of an income disparity is a normal thing that normal people do in committed LTRs where they are serious about the person. It's not something you do when you don't think of that person as a real partner, but just someone you're exclusive with and dating for the moment, no -- but it is something you do when you are dating for a PARTNERSHIP. Sounds to me like he's engaging in serial monogamy, more than actually forging a partnership, by his choice of priorities. As xxoo says, it's something many people will even do for friends! I've covered a friend's ticket or dinner to somewhere they couldn't afford before, without batting an eye. A partner should get MUCH more consideration than a friend, so it shouldn't even be a thought! 2.) She will buy/do little extras, without his offering to chip in or even seeming to notice the effort and cost that goes into it. He never seems to do a little extra. She feels taken advantage of because she feels like she's putting in more --- and she probably is, based on her OP, in more ways than money! --- and he doesn't even appreciate or acknowledge it. He never goes the extra mile for her. Again, not a sign of true commitment. 3.) He's engaging in CALCULATION. He's very interested in making sure he gets his share. Again, this isn't something you do in a real partnership, generally. It is both a sign of lacking commitment and an attitude that will chip away at any relationship you have. It sounds to me like her BF is lacking not just generosity with money but a basic generosity of spirit and/or commitment to her. In my book, everyone should be generous with their partners (male or female) and the OP has engaged that attitude by doing extras, etc, and they've been unnoticed, unappreciated, and not reciprocated. So, of course, she's beginning to feel a bit resentful and lose HER generosity of spirit, too --- this will happen if BOTH partners don't have that generosity of spirit. Additionally, if someone makes a significant amount more and does not have significant bills more to pay, it's pretty customary for them to pay a little more. I've done that when I made more and been on the other end when a guy made more. If a guy make 10K+ more than me a year (basically more than the entertainment budget for both of us for the year! That's a lot of money!) and was still tight with his money when we went out, I'd notice it too. Not because I can't pay for myself or because I never like treating my partner (I can and I do) but because it's a sign that he sees things in "Me me me" terms instead of US terms. When you see things in us terms, you pay for things based on who can best afford it at the moment, etc, etc. It flows naturally. Both partners are eager to do what they can. No calculation ensues. And you can't 'owe' each other small denominations like $10. That's just silly in a committed R --- maybe if you lent someone a substantial sum, but I've given a partner (non-marriage) as much as $100 without thinking of it as a loan. 7
Els Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 The fact that he makes significantly more than you shouldn't be an issue. Women generally look for a man that makes significantly more than they do. I really wanna bet you wouldn't be as interested in this dude if he made equal or less than you do. Aaaand... for the women to whom this statement applies, why do you think that is the case? Women who DO look for men who make more (which isn't really the case for all women) are attracted to that for a reason. There is absolutely no purpose in finding a man who makes more if she is going to pay for 50.00% of everything, is there? Men who are happy to use their wealth and status to attract women (as opposed to working on their personality and/or appearance to attract other types of women) already know this. For the women who 'value' a man mainly for his wealth, there is absolutely no 'value' in a wealthy man who does not spend some of that money on her. That being said, I don't think that applies to the OP's case. Just sounds like a lot of immaturity going on there. OP's tone comes across as expectant and not appreciative, as TBF says. The bf comes across as extremely nitpicky and calculative. If my bf owes me $10, I'm not going to TELL him to pay for us when we go get ice cream. And I'd especially not make such a huge deal out of such a small issue.
shayla Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I think that truly stingy men aren't only that way with money. They are also that way with their time, their attention, their affection, etc. If your boyfriend is keeping all those things from you, he is truly stingy and isn't worth your time. If he is giving on all the other fronts and is only being this way about money, perhaps he is following your lead from what your first statement was about fully paying your way. He is only obliging you.
mark 40 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 When I started dating my bf, I let it be known I'd do my share of paying for stuff. I didn't want to be the gf that expected him to pay for everything. I'm thinking I should have went about that in a different. He makes quite a bit more than I do(close to 12k more than me a year) and we pay about the same in bills, yet I pay for at least half of our dates/hang outs/dinners and sometimes I pay for even more than he does. He rarely offers to pay for extra stuff (like if I make him cookies or margaritas or something) or if I say I can't afford to go to a movie or baseball game, he won't offer to pay. And I owed him $10 from last week. He took me to get ice cream last night and asked me to pay for it since I owed him $ any way. It was $10!!!! How do I bring this up and let him know it's not ok? He is a great guy and we have a good relationship ..he is sweet in so many other ways. But I've heard cheap ass ways are never a good sign. Advice please. theres a way. don't date cheap asses.
bac Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 When I started dating my bf, I let it be known I'd do my share of paying for stuff. I didn't want to be the gf that expected him to pay for everything. And I owed him $10 from last week. He took me to get ice cream last night and asked me to pay for it since I owed him $ any way. It was $10!!!! How do I bring this up and let him know it's not ok? He is a great guy and we have a good relationship ..he is sweet in so many other ways. QUOTE] First, you let him know that you'd do your share of paying. I guess you have never mentioned what were the limits ( $) you meant. So, he is sure that $10 is included in the share of paying. Now, you do not want to pay your share. Therefore you have to change the agreement. You should have a serious talk about the specific numbers which you agree to pay.
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 How to address my boyfriend's cheap ass ways? Have more sex I always felt more generous after a good roll in the hay with the exW. Just sayin' 2
Sid6.7 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 So correct me if I am wrong OP. You have a serious issue over ten dollars? Is that about right? Ten bucks. If that is your biggest dilemma with this guy he should be dumping you on your ass in my opinion. His misery is only beginning. I hear some people on here calling him a cheap ass, and other saying not paying is a turn off, and even going to so far to say he isn't committed to you, over ten bucks! Outrageous! Someone else here mentioned generosity. What is that supposed to mean? Spending hard earned cash is being generous? Where is the romance in that? Of course us spending precious time with them isn't enough, complimenting them, holding doors open, pulling out chairs, and all the chivalrous things just isn't enough. They still want our cash, maybe even our last ten bucks. It implies some women want to be treated superior and I'm not comfortable reinforcing that type of behavior. Ya know, respect for men is rapidly declining in this country. 1
FitChick Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 OP shot herself in the foot by demanding she pay for half of everything from the very beginning. Perhaps he is worried about offending her if he pays more. What she should have done is to have said nothing and then every so often grab the bill or buy him a little gift to show him she appreciates him. 1
musemaj11 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Why is it always women who complain about their partner not spending enough money on them? ALWAYS. 1
Pierre Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Why is it always women who complain about their partner not spending enough money on them? ALWAYS. It is in the genes. Man was the hunter and the female stayed home. Man was the provider by tradition. It is not that simple to do away with instincts.
TheBigQuestion Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 It is in the genes. Man was the hunter and the female stayed home. Man was the provider by tradition. It is not that simple to do away with instincts. If one expects true legal and cultural equality between the sexes, doing away with these so-called instincts is necessary. A woman choosing to hold on to only the instincts and traditions that benefit her while discarding whatever role she would traditionally be required to play is what most people find objectionable. It is that sentiment that is the subtext of all posts in this thread that are critical of the OP's viewpoint. 1
musemaj11 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) It is in the genes. Man was the hunter and the female stayed home. Man was the provider by tradition. It is not that simple to do away with instincts. Thats why I object to gender equal opportunity. I believe men should be prioritized in the workplace because they need it more. Affirmative action should instead go the other way. I think men and women should get paid the same for the same work. But if there is a man and a woman with equal qualification competing for the same job, the man should get it. Its unfair that everything is equal at work but outside of it the man remains the one bearing higher load of financial burden. Edited May 22, 2012 by musemaj11
dizy Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I guess in this case is a huge difference in your believes that make you uncomfortable. I mean you are expecting him to treat you like family or at least as close friends and I am going to be honest with you, any person who will keep track of the 10$ that I owe him/her will be unlikely to be close friend with me. I totally agree with what people say about the fact that he earns more than you do is irrelevant about who should be paying. BUT it is RELEVANT to the situation considering that he IS NOT in financial troubles and have little reason to care so much about a 10$ that his GF owes him. Its not about being cheap, its not about being planing for future, its about being selfish. I mean would he keep track of the amount of $$ that he spends on his family? if he does, dump him. if he doesnt, and he does for you, it means for me that he doesnt consider you as important that you would like him to. For all those guys here complaining about how OP is asking the guy to pay more and the fact that it bugs her means that she is cheap... seriously? I mean based on my personal experience, I met 2 guys who were a bit hesitant when it comes to $$: 1st one, refused to go to a trip with me and my friends because he found it too expensive===> he makes a lot of $$ and was saving for a new business but i didn't know it. I had no prob with that, its his $ he choose the best ways to spend it 2nd one, asked me to split the grocery bill for the dinner at his house which was <10$, I was like really? but i figured that maybe he needed $, but when I figured out that it wasn't the case(especially that he was very generous with himself) THAT WAS A HUGE TURN OFF There is a HUGE difference between been stinky and keeping good track of his financial state Thats who he is, dump him or get use to it=\ dont expect to change him, its a personal trait
FrustratedStandards Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 And THIS is why I insist on dating a guy who wants to pay. You offering to pay, or paying every now and then isn't the problem. It's his mentality. Since you pay for lots of things, he goes cheap and figures "why not, it's the 21st century!" Yikes. My guess is he makes you hold the door for him too. My obvious advice would be to break up with him. If this isn't an option, the next time he expects you to pay, tell him you don't have money OR that you are saving up for something. Or, just tell him you can't go out tonight because you don't want to pay, and don't want to force it onto him. Let's see how he feels then.
kaylan Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 ^1 bad example of a guy doesnt mean all relationships where both people spend their money end up like this. Plenty of men and women date and get along great even though they both pay. I think your a victim of confirmation bias.
dasein Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) I've told people I pay for half of everything and they tell me that's crazy. :lmao: Yep that's just nutty as a fruitcake, the very idea of your paying half of relationship expenses!? Bet you slandered him by name to those "people" too didn't you? over not wanting to pay $10 you owed as an ice cream cone. You are the cheap one, dear, not him. Dump your BF, set him free to pursue a more compatible person, one who wants to be equal in life instead of just get. I love these types of cheap-call threads on LS, a literal 101 class in rationalization and illogic, some of the replies are comedy gold. Also men, note the hilariously twisted distortions they post in vain efforts to avoid the very clear distinction between what amounts to prostitution and a relationship between equal human beings. A majority of women believe their vagina entitles them to special, unequal treatment, and it's often hard to tell which type one is dealing with until it's too late. Rest assured though, for those, her money is her money, and your money is her money too. Why on earth would a man want to encumber his life with one of these? Read and learn fellas, read and learn. Edited May 22, 2012 by dasein 1
FrustratedStandards Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 At the above, okay, imagine that a woman DOES feel entitled because of her vagina. If the entire world of women feel entitled because of this, then how on earth will arguing with her in any way help him? Men need sex in a relationship, and more often than a women. Women have adapted and now have sex even in times when they don't want to, because this is a requirement to keep a man happy in a relationship. You don't see these women complaining on LS.
LittlePrince Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 When I started dating my bf, I let it be known I'd do my share of paying for stuff. I didn't want to be the gf that expected him to pay for everything. I'm thinking I should have went about that in a different. He makes quite a bit more than I do(close to 12k more than me a year) and we pay about the same in bills, yet I pay for at least half of our dates/hang outs/dinners and sometimes I pay for even more than he does. He rarely offers to pay for extra stuff (like if I make him cookies or margaritas or something) or if I say I can't afford to go to a movie or baseball game, he won't offer to pay. And I owed him $10 from last week. He took me to get ice cream last night and asked me to pay for it since I owed him $ any way. It was $10!!!! How do I bring this up and let him know it's not ok? He is a great guy and we have a good relationship ..he is sweet in so many other ways. But I've heard cheap ass ways are never a good sign. Advice please. Prostitutes don't have difficulty getting men to pay. Learn from them.
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