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Basically, I can't multi-date.

mickleb

By mickleb
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mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
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This is the second time I've found myself in this position.

 

I've just turned down the possibility of a date with a perfectly lovely guy because I have already met someone I like.

 

The guy I like isn't committed yet and I am not being 'sensible' by doing this, but I simply cannot go meet Guy B and spend my time (and his) comparing him to Guy A.

 

This is, basically, my heart totally overriding my head plus the desire not to waste Guy B's time. I feel really stupid whilst happy about my decision! It's an odd place to be.

 

I am completely aware that by this evening, even, I could be with neither option available but I think 'F*ck it. I'll just start over again, then.'

 

Am I mad? :confused:

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Not at all.

 

You have to do what feels right for you, what you are comfortable with. If not, then you are not being honest with yourself.

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mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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Aw, bless, Anne!

 

Do you think it's because I'm British?! :o

  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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Possibly. Multi-dating is not so common here and will be more frowned upon than in other countries.

 

I do find the concept of multi-dating strange myself. Glad I am passed all that.

goldengirl11 Established Member

goldengirl11

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I'm British and I don't like multi-dating either!

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firehawk_1 Established Member

firehawk_1

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yes its because you are british - women ALWAYS multi date and its pathetic.

 

but for once, good on you for not multi dating. it is totally not fair on any of the guys and you just waste their time. im sure you wouldnt like it. you would never be able to find the person you want to be with by continuing with this pathetic mentality.

 

you also cannot "compare" guys. one is not better than the other (only to some extent). it is about the ONE person... you wouldnt like it if people compared you, would you? you could be the "best" person but then there could be people that say that you just "aint right" - how would that make you feel even though you may know you are better than some people?

Edited by firehawk_1
Pierre Established Member

Pierre

Posted
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It is well known that I find multi dating an undesirable cultural behavior.

 

Multi daters can have simultaneous romantic encounters that may simply include necking or intercourse. I can't understand how they can have many simultaneous interests. How do they keep track?

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
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After trying multi-dating once, I have figured out within a few weeks that it's not for me. From now on, I will date one guy at a time, and either choose to continue with him or not. If I meet someone else I would like to date, I won't date him until I stop dating the first guy.

 

I will be a proud member of the old-school dating club. :D

  • Like 3
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I have never "multi-dated" or known anyone in real life who does.

 

You aren't alone!

g450 Established Member

g450

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There was a recent and pretty heated debate about this very issue.

 

And I am like the OP. I wont date a woman if all I am to her is a check mark in her busy schedule. To me, people that do it are just playing games.

 

Thats why Im glad Im not dating any more.

SunsetRed Established Member

SunsetRed

Posted
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After trying multi-dating once, I have figured out within a few weeks that it's not for me. From now on, I will date one guy at a time, and either choose to continue with him or not. If I meet someone else I would like to date, I won't date him until I stop dating the first guy.

 

I will be a proud member of the old-school dating club. :D

 

Exactly how I feel. I tried multi dating in the past and having tried it, I can say that it doesnt work for me and it does feel like I'm unfairly wasting the time of several men. I did get a brief ego boost over having several men calling me and beeping in on my call waiting etc, but that ego boost was unfair to the guys and it backfired on me. I was left w no time or energy to properly get to know any of the guys and ended up empty handed.

 

Now I do get to know one guy at a time. I'm old enough now to know what I want in a man and I try to send out the vibe that corresponds w what I'm feeling and not lead anyone on or play games.

 

With my job and other activities, I can barely keep up with one guy, I dont know how on earth I could manage to date several and still take care of my home and myself.

mesmerized Established Member

mesmerized

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It depends. How many dates have you gone on with guy A? How long have you been seeing him? What's the possibility of it ending in something good? If you have been on 2 dates with guy A and turned down guy B for it, yes you're mad/not smart.

  • Like 1
january2011 Established Member

january2011

Posted
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No, not mad. I can't multi-date either.

 

While I accept that people have the right to choose how they date, I don't think it's fair to juggle other people like that. I realise that multi-daters may be trying to increase their odds of finding someone that's suitable. However, I question how much time and effort they can really give to each date when they're spreading themselves so thinly between two or more potential partners.

 

From what I've seen here, introducing multiple people into the same dating space is the cause of much confusion and anxiety. The dating dynamic can be complicated enough as it is without introducing further layers of complexity. And if a multi-dater has to guard their heart before they make a decision about who to move forward with, what kind of open and honest foundation are they building for their future relationship?

Edited by january2011
  • Like 2
Desensitized Established Member

Desensitized

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The best part is when you see the person you are dating with some other guy and they are hitting it off quite nicely. A few days later, you find out they're dating. Gah. I sure know how to pick them. But yeah, props to you for choosing not to multi-date.

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mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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Thanks for your responses. I'm clearly not alone and that is reassuring.

 

you also cannot "compare" guys. one is not better than the other (only to some extent). it is about the ONE person... you wouldnt like it if people compared you, would you? you could be the "best" person but then there could be people that say that you just "aint right" - how would that make you feel even though you may know you are better than some people?

 

I understand two people have merits of their own, so cannot be compared in one respect but I mean comparing two guys as potential partners. If we have two offers of anything, we weigh up which is our best option, don't we? I just don't enjoy doing that with people.

 

As Sunset says, there's that brief ego-boost that makes a dull day brighter but, after that, you remember you're dealing with human beings, not toys.

 

It depends. How many dates have you gone on with guy A? How long have you been seeing him? What's the possibility of it ending in something good? If you have been on 2 dates with guy A and turned down guy B for it, yes you're mad/not smart.

 

This is the thing *braces oneself for the sea-change of opinion*: one. One date but three weeks of pretty much daily communication. Skyping, calling, texting. He lives more than 100 miles away, so it's a bit long-distance too.

 

Honestly, I don't know what the chances are of it ending in something good. How does someone know that, anyway? I know I like him and there is a stupid amount of chemistry between us. It could end any second (people go poof for all kinds of reasons) but I don't have to regret concentrating on finding out who and what he's about.

 

The chemistry makes it unfair on guy B. How can I go on a date with another man (who seemed perfectly lovely, admittedly) when I could get a text from Guy A, in the middle of it, appearing on my phone which would, likely, give me a case of the butterflies I'm getting all the time? I couldn't possibly give Guy B a fair chance.

 

And if a multi-dater has to guard their heart before they make a decision about who to move forward with, what kind of open and honest foundation are they building for their future relationship?

 

There's something to this, as well. I know enough about how guy A and I interact to know I want to focus on getting to know him more. He doesn't have to do the same. It's just how I want to continue. I think I'll be able to judge the situation better this way.

 

I may be getting butterflies but I'm not naive. I expect nothing from him but, for the moment, am enjoying whatever this is. If he turns out to be an idiot, it's not a big deal. After all, guys A & B aren't the only guys around. I'll be fine.

fishtaco Established Member

fishtaco

Posted
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I'm a multi dater and I say good for you. Unlike some people, I try to be understanding of other dating philosophies, even ones I do not subscribe to.

 

Don't knock it till you tried it. Well you have, and you don't like it. Perfectly fine. Understand the pros and cons. No one method is better than others. You work with your decisions.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
PhillyDude Established Member

PhillyDude

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I can't multi-date either because I don't have the money to take out three different females-lol

 

 

It's a lot easier for a woman to mult-date than a man because she doesn't have to pay for anything which is why I now understand why it's so important for men to make a move on a date.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

Posted
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If you haven't met someone yet, you aren't multi-dating.

PhillyDude Established Member

PhillyDude

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If you haven't met someone yet, you aren't multi-dating.

 

HUH????, if you go out with different people you are multi-dating

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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I didn't get a chance to add:

 

If I am emailing and phoning different guys but haven't met them yet, I don't like it when one suggests I take down my profile.

  • Like 1
PhillyDude Established Member

PhillyDude

Posted
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I didn't get a chance to add:

 

If I am emailing and phoning different guys but haven't met them yet, I don't like it when one suggests I take down my profile.

 

why would a guy suggest you take it down if you haven't met him yet? Or is this other people telling you to take it down?

tigressA Established Member

tigressA

Posted
Posted

I multi-dated between my longest relationships and while it was fun, I don't have the heart to do it again.

 

I was going in with the multi-dating mindset when I signed back up for OKC after my last relationship ended, but once I went on a date with one of the guys I was talking to (a couple of days ago), I found I just couldn't continue talking with the others, so I broke off those communications. I'm firmly in the one-at-a-time camp now.

  • Like 1
PhillyDude Established Member

PhillyDude

Posted
Posted
I multi-dated between my longest relationships and while it was fun, I don't have the heart to do it again.

 

I was going in with the multi-dating mindset when I signed back up for OKC after my last relationship ended, but once I went on a date with one of the guys I was talking to (a couple of days ago), I found I just couldn't continue talking with the others, so I broke off those communications. I'm firmly in the one-at-a-time camp now.

 

I bet it was fun, mutiple sex partners and free meals

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mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
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Well, I'm a very lucky lady, obviously: Guy B just responded in the most gentlemanly fashion. He bid me good luck, told me to take my time with Guy A and said, if I wanted a friend or a date later down the road, to contact him. What a sweetie!

 

Of course, he may have been snapped up by that time but that's the way the mop flops. I'll keep you updated. ;)

  • Like 1
PhillyDude Established Member

PhillyDude

Posted
Posted
Well, I'm a very lucky lady, obviously: Guy B just responded in the most gentlemanly fashion. He bid me good luck, told me to take my time with Guy A and said, if I wanted a friend or a date later down the road, to contact him. What a sweetie!

 

Of course, he may have been snapped up by that time but that's the way the mop flops. I'll keep you updated. ;)

 

 

That's because he is already having sex with lots of other girls so it was no biggie to add you back to the list at a later time

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