heatherfeather Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 So back and forth here...this is the 3rd time my boyfriend or ex and I have broken up. After going through everything again, and him even stating the last time this is what he wants...here we are ...again. The other night I was thinking about what went wrong and a light bulb went off in my head. I knew he said he had PTSD from doing 3 tours over seas in the war. I looked more into it and found some awesome information that is exactly our roller coaster relationship. The anger over small things, the pulling away and the distance and numbing emotions. Anyone else have any experience dealing with this stuff? Any insights from a suffer from Combat PTSD is greatly appreciated also.
january2011 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I have a little bit of experience supporting a partner with this. It requires a lot of patience. Being the calm one when he gets irritable and reactive - you need to take the emotion out somewhat and disengage/disassociate. It takes a lot of willpower not to be irritable and reactive back. It's also important that you allow him to walk away when he gets upset. He's doing that because he knows it's not you and he doesn't want to blow up at you. So you need to give him the time and space to calm down. It's hard if you're the type of person who likes to talk through issues right then and there. But sometimes, it's better to wait until he's more calm and can communicate with a clear head. I think that if he doesn't have one, he needs a de-stressing activity, whether it's sport/exercise, playing computer games, the drive home from work, etc. If you live together, you may need to give him some time to 'wash the day off' when he gets home from work and then he'll be ready for you. But you both need to be as open and honest as you can. Though he most likely won't/can't talk about his experiences and work with you, he needs to be open and honest about everything else, especially his emotions. For example, if he doesn't feel like talking, he needs to tell you as calmly as possible and then take a breather. But he also needs to accept that when he comes back to you, even if he's processed his feelings, you still need to talk so that you get a chance to be heard. If he doesn't let you in, no matter how much you love him, it's going to be very difficult to support him, because essentially it's a one-sided relationship. And while his behaviour is understandable, it doesn't give him the right to disrespect you or the relationship. I'd also suggest that he has sessions with a therapist on a regular basis - not group but individual therapy - someone who has experience with combat PTSD and who he respects. 1
KathyM Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I've studied the disorder, and I sympathize with you on how difficult it is to deal with someone who is experiencing PTSD. There are so many symptoms involved, usually, and I know it must be very difficult for you. There has been a lot of success in treating PTSD through certain types of therapy, and I would suggest you encourage your bf to seek counseling for this. Don't let it go untreated. Don't try to work it out by yourselves or just accept it. See that he gets counseling for it. There are specific types of therapy that have proven to be effective in treating PTSD, and can make a huge difference in the quality of life he will have and in his relationships with others. 1
Author heatherfeather Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Thank you January and Kathy! When I first started posting here I thought it was all me...I was the problem. However after looking into and reading several articles etc on Combat PTSD, I realize I am doing nothing wrong but being normal. His actions are the ones that are clearly the abnormal and he can't help it. However with the right tools and therapy he can at least control it. We have been broken up with LC for about 2 weeks now offically. However we have had LC for like a month already. I haven't seen him in like a month due to work schedules being different and him going on a couple trips. When he came back from his trip his roomie/best friend since HS...told him he wanted him to move out by the end of the month. Which i think put way more stress on him on top of the stress I was putting on him about being more open etc... So I haven't gotten my stuff back from his place yet. I am hoping after he moves things will be calmer, we can talk and will most likely get back together. I have never experienced anything like this in a relationship so this is all new to me. Oddest relationship I have ever had but I am willing to fight for him since he fought for our country. It isn't his fault that war did this to him. It is however his choice to continue to live like this or to seek help..something I can't make him do
Author heatherfeather Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 I should add he has been out of the Military for almost a year now and it seems the symtoms that I know of have been popping up since January since I first noticed it. He is also a big binge drinker with his roomie so I am hoping the move will help him not drink so much. Nobody to "egg him on" to drink more then he needs to if he lives by himself.
KathyM Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 He may be drinking to numb himself from the horrible feelings he's having and reexperiencing because of what he went through. Do encourage him to get therapy, and don't take no for an answer. Otherwise, he'll continue to allow this trauma to negatively impact his life and his relationships. See that he gets help if at all possible. It's highly unlikely the symptoms will go away on their own without therapy. 1
Author heatherfeather Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Thanks Kathy! I am assuming right now that the reasoning for his two previous divorces...and the GF's that left him while he was in the military. I am trying to encourage him to go to the VA however haven't heard from him in a couple of days. I am trying not to push him over the edge. I worry about him ...his numbness, disassociation with people, binge drinking etc... I am lucky enough though that I work in a place that co workers are counseler...I and I finally asked today about it. My co worker said as bad as this sounds he needs the extra stress of other things that are going on in is life so he breaks and goes for treatment. However, if I push for treatment on top of it, he will pushes me away further. Also, by me pushing him it could bring us together or push us further apart depending on his personality...and only he could determine that if they talked. He gave me the advice though to let him come to me instead of pushing. I already told the ex that I am here for him so should I respond to the LC ...this is way more complex then just a simple break up where you do NO contact.
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