Just another "Met up with the ex" thread

[Headintheclouds]

I need to vent before I explode.

 

I was on almost a month and a half of NC with my ex. The other night one of my best friends met up with her. My friend told me the next day that my ex felt horrible when I went NC on her. She thought I hated her and she missed me and wanted to contact me.

 

Fast forward a few days to yesterday... My ex sends me a text simply asking how I am doing. For some stupid reason I respond. I felt compelled to respond actually. I miss her so much so it was easy for me to give in. Long story short, we texted back and forth a few times and decided to meet up tonight as we obviously had a lot to talk about.

 

I spent the whole day nervous as F*$k. We finally met up. She looked so amazing. We had a few drinks and just caught up for about 2 hours. It really was fun and refreshing. For those 2 hours, we gave each other 100% attention and it felt genuine and natural.

 

I'm not sure where the conversation shifted, but eventually we were talking about the relationship. We talked about where it went wrong and the things I did that hurt her etc... I expressed to her that I knew every angle of everything that happened between us as I have literally spent this time apart analyzing and dissecting every second we spent together.

 

I told her that we can view this as a bump in the road or the end of the road. I said that I think that everything that has happened so far was necessary for both of us to learn and realize what has happened. I then said that even though we are going through this now, that I feel wrong being without her forever.

 

No matter what I said at this point, she just kept shooting me down basically in disbelief that she could ever accept me in her life again. I could see her well up, I could see the emotion. We hugged a few times and I could feel how close she pulled me in. We definitely came close to kissing a couple times, or at least it felt like it could have easily happened. I know she has feelings, but its like she denies herself of them.

 

She told me that she is still seeing someone. That person has been there since the initial breakup. It makes me livid thinking about it. I know that this is the reason I was so easily pushed away, and the reason that things are the way they are. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Anyways, I was feeling good until today. I have made SO MUCH progress since the breakup. My life is completely different. In many ways its better. I am a very different person. I know where I went wrong, and how to change that. It hurt so bad because I felt like that was rubbed in my face tonight.

 

This is a long story short. I just feel horrible right now. I should have known better. I am beating myself up for it. I texted her after and said that I feel like I opened a bad wound. She said she was sorry for texting me initially as she didn't want to hurt me, but also said it was great to see me.

 

I texted her back and said "it was good to see you too but obviously we have different intentions. This was a mistake on my part. I slipped and fell. Never again."

 

And now, I guess the cycle of NC begins again. I really feel stupid for thinking this would end with any other outcome. I feel like I'm at square one again, but maybe with a little less holding on to hope, and a little more anger and animosity.

 

If you are in NC, Keep going. Don't let any excuse in your mind get the best of you because it is most likely WRONG.

[Frank13]

Thanks for posting and showing everyone yet another example of why NC should not be broken.

 

This was the classic "how are you doing?" breadcrumb.

 

She missed you and felt you hated her, but once she proved to herself that she still had you on the hook, she was free to move on with her life. Nopw she feels good and you feel like crap.

[BewitchedandBothered]

She did all of that to make sure you were still swooning over her;she's seeing someone, but still wanted that ego boost. She had to know you were still into her. Totally and utterly agree with Frank. She's happier than a pig in slop right now.

[RickFox]

I agree with the above posters. She baited you, saw how much of an effect she had on you and left you convulsing in the dirt all the while satisfied that "she's still got it."

[Tree_Salmon]

You could have had the upper hand here.

 

A while back my ex did the same thing and I treated it as if I had moved on, which I was getting close to doing and she couldn't stop begging me to get back together.

 

Maybe she was testing you to see if you had regained your balls.

 

It happens. I think the error you made was to give away your feelings so quickly. You should have met up, caught up and maybe addressed that you thought the breakup was the best idea. Because, honestly, it has changed you for the better regardless.

 

Next time refrain from talking about the relationship as it would bring up horrible memories and reaffirm to her that she was right in breaking up with you.

 

You should have went in, showed that you are a man who adapts to the situation and learns from it, then end the meetup. She would have probably called you back the next day.

 

I've learned that the times I'm at my best is when i truly believe in everything I do. Have a plan before you go in and see it through. Women love to play with our emotions when we are guided by them. Be guided by your logic and integrity. Believe me when i tell you it always works.

 

And I don't mean make up a bunch of bull about how good you're doing or that you're the man. Just honestly believe that you deserve the best and treat her with respect even though she may not deserve it.

 

Plus talking about the breakup is always the WORST idea. past is past, were all human. You might have done the same to someone else.

[Headintheclouds]

Tree_salmon, I hear ya.

It went very well for almost 2 hours, then something triggered the talk about the relationship. We were drinking so that didn't help. I think we were both a little past the buzzed phase.

 

I handled it very well going into it. We just caught up and laughed, smiled, and enjoyed each others company. It was good. It just turned around so quick that it made my head spin. I had nothing else to do but express the feelings I had built up over all the time we didn't speak.

 

Anyways, I felt horrible last night. I still feel pretty bad BUT, I have made a lot of sense of all of this.

 

First off, I feel as if I have some closure. All this time I have been holding on to this false hope of getting back together at some point. Well now I know where I stand. I am not going to waste any more energy on something that is completely not worth it. I mean, its worth it, but its not possible.

 

I wrote her a lengthy email today expressing that point in many ways. I said all I needed to say. I feel as if it gave me closure, and now I can finally move on. I can post the email if anyone would like to read it. I think it was the right thing to do.

 

I really feel as if I have had many of these extreme instances since we broke up, but each of them has made me deal with the pain, and move through it. I think that I am really truly DEALING with the pain and making progress even though I am also torturing myself in a way. I don't think she has really dealt with any of this since the breakup. She has just masked it with someone else.

 

I'm feeling much better at the moment. I know where I stand, I know what I need to do. From here on out NC is back in effect. I don't really even care what she is doing or who she is with. It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters to me right now is me.

[Tree_Salmon]

Tree_salmon, I hear ya.

It went very well for almost 2 hours, then something triggered the talk about the relationship. We were drinking so that didn't help. I think we were both a little past the buzzed phase.

 

I handled it very well going into it. We just caught up and laughed, smiled, and enjoyed each others company. It was good. It just turned around so quick that it made my head spin. I had nothing else to do but express the feelings I had built up over all the time we didn't speak.

 

Anyways, I felt horrible last night. I still feel pretty bad BUT, I have made a lot of sense of all of this.

 

First off, I feel as if I have some closure. All this time I have been holding on to this false hope of getting back together at some point. Well now I know where I stand. I am not going to waste any more energy on something that is completely not worth it. I mean, its worth it, but its not possible.

 

I wrote her a lengthy email today expressing that point in many ways. I said all I needed to say. I feel as if it gave me closure, and now I can finally move on. I can post the email if anyone would like to read it. I think it was the right thing to do.

 

I really feel as if I have had many of these extreme instances since we broke up, but each of them has made me deal with the pain, and move through it. I think that I am really truly DEALING with the pain and making progress even though I am also torturing myself in a way. I don't think she has really dealt with any of this since the breakup. She has just masked it with someone else.

 

I'm feeling much better at the moment. I know where I stand, I know what I need to do. From here on out NC is back in effect. I don't really even care what she is doing or who she is with. It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters to me right now is me.

 

As long as you feel better then its all good but I'm at the same place right now and I'm telling you contact is no good.

 

Don't communicate again.

Especially the emails about expressing your feeling and all that. If it gave you closure then awesome. But don't expect her to read it or give a crap.

 

Shes probably laughing at everything you had to say. Women like that just pass on to the next guy. They don't care about your feelings. Especially after "moving on". Everything you wrote is probably just pushing her further away.

 

I believe that she was giving you an opening to show her something. Whether she deserved a second chance or not doesn't matter. She was trying to see how much of a man you were. Don't let her toy with you again.

 

If you can truly forget about this now then great. But I have a feeling if you disappear for 2 weeks she'll probably contact you again.

[daisydukes]

Live and Learn.... Now you know..... No more talking to her anymore! She is just mind **** you testing those waters..... She probably thinks hey I am the hottest thing in town look at him so sad over the breakup I'll do some mind **** it's crazy but yes girls/guys do this just to see if they still got it and test those waters and the sad part is my ex recently did this and I ignored it for awhile but then it turned to bothering me ( he has a girlfriend!)and I said if you do not leave me alone I will call the cops and luckily that scared him off. I hope that never happens with your situation hopefully!!!!!! Just ignore her!!!!

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks for the support guys.

 

Daisydukes, something like that would never happen in my situation. I was actually surprised that she contacted me at all after I initiated NC by blowing her off.

 

Tree_salmon, The email did make me feel better. I wrote it in a very direct and concise manner. It wasn't about me just expressing emotion and being pathetic. I wrote it with strength and clarity.

 

Honestly, she is not a malicious person. I truly believe that she is so far over the relationship with me that she is capable of just being friends. I am not at that point, and I've now made that very clear to her.

 

When I went NC for the first time, there were times where I wanted to contact her but I was able to stay strong. I know I am capable of that, and this time, I know what lies on the other side, and I don't want that because it is nothing but pain.

 

The meet up made me feel horrible as many things have throughout this breakup. Every time I see the lighter side of these horrible feelings, I move another step forward. I feel as though I've taken a giant leap this time. True acceptance is what I needed to move forward, and I now have every reason to accept it as over.

[Tree_Salmon]

Thanks for the support guys.

 

Daisydukes, something like that would never happen in my situation. I was actually surprised that she contacted me at all after I initiated NC by blowing her off.

 

Tree_salmon, The email did make me feel better. I wrote it in a very direct and concise manner. It wasn't about me just expressing emotion and being pathetic. I wrote it with strength and clarity.

 

Honestly, she is not a malicious person. I truly believe that she is so far over the relationship with me that she is capable of just being friends. I am not at that point, and I've now made that very clear to her.

 

When I went NC for the first time, there were times where I wanted to contact her but I was able to stay strong. I know I am capable of that, and this time, I know what lies on the other side, and I don't want that because it is nothing but pain.

 

The meet up made me feel horrible as many things have throughout this breakup. Every time I see the lighter side of these horrible feelings, I move another step forward. I feel as though I've taken a giant leap this time. True acceptance is what I needed to move forward, and I now have every reason to accept it as over.

 

Whatever it takes, man.

 

Just don't give her the time of day anymore.

 

There's a million of these girls out there and they all do the same thing.

[SimonMas]

I believe you have got your answer and found closure. Now, it is time to move on. I bet you that you will be in a better footing in your next relationship. The reason being that you have learned more about yourself and have a better understanding of having and maintaining a good relationship.

[immitable]

Like Tree_salmon said, you could have had the upper hand.

But don't worry.

 

You rushed and alcohol probably accelerated your reactions.

 

The thing is, you shouldn't have "told" her how much you changed and you shouldn't have talked too much.

 

It is actions not words, I got, you tried to persuade her that you changed when everything you did was you realised what went wrong, maybe. You need time apart and I wouldn't see this as a closure just yet, if you want to get back together with her that is.

 

Wait some time before you contact her or wait for a next contact from her and go slowly from there, let her talk more and try doing something fun if the next meeting happens.

[daisydukes]

Good..... I was hoping that wasn't going to happen but ex is just psycho.

[Tree_Salmon]

Like Tree_salmon said, you could have had the upper hand.

But don't worry.

 

You rushed and alcohol probably accelerated your reactions.

 

The thing is, you shouldn't have "told" her how much you changed and you shouldn't have talked too much.

 

It is actions not words, I got, you tried to persuade her that you changed when everything you did was you realised what went wrong, maybe. You need time apart and I wouldn't see this as a closure just yet, if you want to get back together with her that is.

 

Wait some time before you contact her or wait for a next contact from her and go slowly from there, let her talk more and try doing something fun if the next meeting happens.

 

Do NOT contact her again.

 

She needs to do all the work if any.

 

You need the upper hand back. I'm fairly sure you will hear from her in a month or so. Sounds like shes still playing some sort of head game from the conversation.

 

Just be cool, be happy, and don't over think anything. When she gets in contact you need to truly be a better person and not act like you are.

[Headintheclouds]

I wasn't trying to tell her how much I changed the other night, but the truth is, I have changed. A lot. I have done SO MUCH for myself in the past 3 months. I have learned, and pushed myself in so many ways.

 

I agree with you that I should have cut it short. I mean, we were having a great time. My confidence was there, we were both laughing and acting naturally. It just turned so quick. I definitely think the alcohol made it happen.

 

Either way, I can't change what happened. Whether she contacts me or not, I won't respond. Having been burned so many times now, I just don't want anything to do with her or this situation. She made a decision and she is sticking to it. She has someone else and its obvious that she doesn't want to let that go. There is no reason for me to cater to her in any way.

[Tree_Salmon]

I wasn't trying to tell her how much I changed the other night, but the truth is, I have changed. A lot. I have done SO MUCH for myself in the past 3 months. I have learned, and pushed myself in so many ways.

 

I agree with you that I should have cut it short. I mean, we were having a great time. My confidence was there, we were both laughing and acting naturally. It just turned so quick. I definitely think the alcohol made it happen.

 

Either way, I can't change what happened. Whether she contacts me or not, I won't respond. Having been burned so many times now, I just don't want anything to do with her or this situation. She made a decision and she is sticking to it. She has someone else and its obvious that she doesn't want to let that go. There is no reason for me to cater to her in any way.

 

If you want nothing to do with her then you are on the right track by starting NC.

 

You should be healing up faster than most.

Most of us still subconsciously want something to do with our ex's still.

 

I think you still have feelings you may not have dealt with. Otherwise you wouldn't have care about talking about he relationship even drunk. Or posted here for that matter. You have to figure out if you are repressing something because it might just blindside you one day.

[Reddice]

She made a decision and she is sticking to it. She has someone else and its obvious that she doesn't want to let that go. There is no reason for me to cater to her in any way.

 

Try to find out his e-mail adress. If she ever contacts you by e-mail, forward it immediately to him, saying that he should keep his bitch in check or you will do it for him. Then stand back and enjoy the rest of the show.

[Mack05]

HITC you should be relieved that you now have closure. I have read your threads and to me its obvious what happened. You both neglected the other. You both stop communicating and slowly but surely your relationship unravelled. In these scenario's its very hard to get 'it' back.

 

I think there is blame on both sides. I know how you are feeling. My last relationship was nothing short of atrocious. Both sides to blame. Two incompatible people who brought the very worst out in the other; yet I tried for months after the breakup to try patch things up. Me and my ex were never in love, even though we both desperately wanted to be. We saw a lot of potential in each other at the start. We moved too fast and when the bubble burst things were very volatile. A fight every three days, both deeply unhappy. Both really wanting love. Both emotionally immature with no ability to communicate effectively or truly see where the other was coming from.

 

Because I wanted love so bad I fought till the bitter end until my ex rightly said..'enough'. You had a far better relationship than me and you still love your ex. It is therefore so hard to just throw in the towel. I admire people who fight for something they believe in. The problem is sometimes two people (or one) fight for something that is not right. Deep down they know its not right, but when have invested so much love and time in someone, sometimes we fool ourselves and avoid the obvious facts. Sometimes for some people being in a bad/average relationship is better than being alone. My god that is not the way to live life. If your relationship with yourself and your partner is not extraordinary then its not worth bothering with. When you are truly happy in yourself, then you can look for that special relationship we all crave for.

 

The obvious facts for you is your relationship hasn't been good for a long time. It's been very much going through the motions and you know this. You can talk all you want about 'change' but real change takes longer than 3 months. I am on my own journey and like you I have come along way, but 3 months is not long enough for real permanent change. It's about long enough to kid yourself. I did the same before.

 

U have taken a step back HITC. I did too. I took quite a few steps back. That's ok as long as you keep picking yourself, keep moving forward everyday. The longer I am NC the more things are so clear in my head. My ex and I are very different people with very different lives. We wanted very different things. I see know where it went wrong. I see why it could never have worked. Distance will give you so much prespective and clarity. Read your other threads. Things haven't been good for awhile with your ex. Getting back together while initally would be awesome, would end up being a disaster. Neither of you are ready. In my opinion you are alot further down the road then she is.

 

There are serious lessons to be learnt. You talk about change and learning lessons. Great but you need to be honest with yourself. Learn that relationships require work everyday. When it works it doesn't feel like work because 80% of the time you both communicate great and you are both happy in yourselves and with each other. The other 20% keep your mouth shut and say she is right :-). Learn when to pick and fight your battles.

 

Your ex is in rebound mode. Filling emotional gaps in her in the wrong way. That right there is a huge reason you could never trust her. It's impossible to be in a healthy trusting relationship with her. The trust is gone. The magic is gone. It's time to move forward. I moved forward by finally cutting the emotional chord I had to my ex. It feels liberating and care free. I love my life right now. I am sure my ex is even happier then I am. Not good memories for either of us, but more lessons learnt in the last 2 years then I had in my whole life previous to that.

 

I hope this is the end and that you finally start moving on. If your ex is struggling with NC that is her problem. You need to tend to your own wounds first before tending to hers. Keep moving forward, keep changing/evolving/learning/growing. Before you know it you will have what you deserve and will thank your ex from the lessons you learnt from your relationship..I wish you well..

Edited May 21, 2012 by Mack05