MidNiteAgl Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Well, I ended my relationship with the MM yesterday. I cried for hours (still cry if I think too much about it) and it hurts like heck. I don't know if the pain will get better. My heart is so broken. But I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. So, I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. MM wants to remain friends. Has anyone ever been in this situation? And if so, is it possible to remain friends?
Debster Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 I've never been an OW, so I can't speak about staying in a relationship with a MM. I do know though that there is only one ex-boyfriend I have a friendship with. We realized we were more like brother and sister than lovers. Don't get me wrong, I ended things amicably in almost all of my relationships. While i am friendly with exes and will chat with them if I see them, I do not develop a friendship with them. If you've felt love and/or deep emotion for someone it is really hard to separate that and form a friends-only relationship. Often it can hurt more than it does to lose them completely. Sort of the ol' rip the bandaid off quickly versus slowly idea. Only you can trust if you are able to do that.
sinner Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 No, it's not. Friendship is simply the fuel that either or both of you will use to rekindle the Affair. Friendship is a gateway to renewed passion and playing. Let him go.
Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 I am glad to hear you have some weight lifted off your heart. Please note that no contact feels better than breaking down and returning his messages. Trust me. I've been feeling like a big bag of crap ever since Monday. A bag of smashed *ssholes, if you will.
Author MidNiteAgl Posted June 24, 2004 Author Posted June 24, 2004 Thank you all for all of your advice. I really appreciate it. He has called me four times today. Leaving messages that he just wants to talk as friends, he really needs my friendship right now, that he can't lose me as a friend also, ect. I am finding it so hard not to call him back. Even harder not to answer the phone when I see his name show up. This has left me so torn. But I am going to try my best to not even talk to him. Because as sinner said it's just the gateway to renewing the affair. I just wish we would have never crossed the line from being friends to becoming lovers. Because I do miss his friendship most of all.
sinner Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 I just wish we would have never crossed the line from being friends to becoming lovers. Because I do miss his friendship most of all. And that's the tragedy of ending an affair with a MM or MW: friendship, for the overwhelming majority of is, is not an option. You irretrievably lose a friend and a lover. One of the many reasons affairs suck eggs.
sara1974 Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 I completely understand what you are goin through! Im currently dating a MM, we have been together about two years. We even live together with his 3 children and we all get along great BUT he still hasn't finalized his divorce from his wife. I actually broke-up with him but 8 days later I went back to him. He tells me constantly that he is getting a divorce and it will be finalized in the next couple months. "blah blah" I think I have heard every excuse in the book from him. Hopefully Im not making a mistake by goin back. Let's see how this goes...
Author MidNiteAgl Posted June 25, 2004 Author Posted June 25, 2004 Sara, I wish you all the luck in the world. This has been so draining for me. I left work early yesterday because I couldn't stop crying. Here I am today wondering why he isn't calling me. Wondering has he already found someone else. And on and on. It's taking all the strength I have not to pick up that phone and call him. ~What hurts us makes us stronger. Life is the way you make it, screw up, learn from it, and move on. What angers you will conqure you.~
littleflowerpot Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by MidNiteAgl Well, I ended my relationship with the MM yesterday. I cried for hours (still cry if I think too much about it) and it hurts like heck. I don't know if the pain will get better. My heart is so broken. But I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. So, I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. MM wants to remain friends. Has anyone ever been in this situation? And if so, is it possible to remain friends? i'm in the middle of something similar and i can only speak for me. i'm heartbroken. i feel broken and damaged. but i'm still very much in love with him. we tried the being friends thing but it really doesn't work for me. i can't make myself believe he cares about me so much as he's trying to make himself not feel like a bad person for abandoning me. so i just told him that i'm done. but it's kicking my ass.
tennessegal Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 I am so glad to find this forum. I knew there were others out there in my situation. let me explain my situation. I met MM a year ago tomorrow. I went out alone which I never do. My best friend and her boyfriend had gone to Nashville (we had planned to do something together, and they backed out to do something in Nashville) and at the time I didn't really know many people and I was bored. I decided to go to the place me and my best friend went out to. She had been going there for years. A local club. She had quite a few friends there and I was trying to get to know people. I had been divorced about a year and lonely. Had just stopped dating a man that was afraid of commitment. I was approached by a man that I had been taking with about a week before. he kept asking me do dance and we were talking. He was very nice and single. He went to the bar to buy us drinks and MM came up to the table and asked me to dance. Of course at this point I didn't know anything about him at all. I told him no that I was talking to this other guy and he gave this little sheepish grin... something told me don't reject this guy.. so I then said "maybe later" he went and sat down with a group of people and proceeded to flirt with me the rest of the night. as the night wore on I became more attracted to him. He later walked over to the table once again and asked me and the guy I was sitting with if he could sit with us. The man I was sitting with was polite about it but didn't seemed very pleased. I had just met him so there was no commitment. it was a funny kind of comical really but I felt bad about it. MM proceeded to sit down and try to win my attention. we talked at length about his landscaping business. I was lost in his crystal blue eyes. I completely forgot about the other man at the table and MM and I made our way to the dance floor. Needless to say the other man left. I had never been so swept up in the moment. MM was so charming, sweet and great sense of humor. we closed the bar down. He told me he was seperated and had recently left his wife. This was a RED FLAG to me. I told him this and he assured me that they were over. He was not happy and they were getting divorced. well to make a long story shorter, I took him home that night, which I don't normally do and in no time he had moved in with me. We were sinfully happy. However the phone calls started. His wife... wanted him back. They had a 2 1/2 year old that he adored. she soon found out about me and as soon as she did she proceeded to make his life hell. she would not let him see his son as long as he was with me. because he had some legal issues going on, he had been in trouble with the law, possession of marijuana and a DUI that he had been trying to clear up, driving on a revoked etc. He had done some things in the past that he was trying to turn around but she wanted to hold these things over his head. while we were together he treated me like a queen but the only issue was his wife calling on the cell phone. I felt he could put the phone down but he worried that if he didn't answer and there was an emergency with his son he would miss the call. so i would constantly have to listen to him argue with her and she would put their son on who would cry and beg "daddy come home" we went to attorneys who would say that a contested divorce would be a $3000 retainer fee, it would be difficult, expensive. she started calling me, harrasing me. I would hold this man while he cried wanting to see his son. so at the end of the summer he decided to go back and try for his sons sake. It broke my heart to let him go but I knew he loved his son and I wanted him to be happy. Two weeks later he came back saying he loved me, so he would move all his things back in. that time it lasted about a month. so basically we have been going back and forth for a year. after the 2nd time he went back, we decided to just see each other when we could, then we decided to go our seperate ways so that he could honestly try for his sons sake. it was at the point every time he left his house, his son would cry and ask him if he was coming back. In december he moved back in that lasted about a week. we were eating dinner one night and she had found out where I lived and pulled in my driveway calling him on his cell phone, son crying in the car. this time i told him to leave and go back when he could figure it out. I couldn't go through it anymore, that didn't last long and again we started seeing each other on the side. about two months ago I decided to move we decided to call it quits. I told him I was moving, about two weeks after I moved he came looking for me and found me. Saying he was finished with her for good... but once again he went back.... Then two weeks ago he finally left her. I had started dating someone else, just started dating this guy. No feelings or anything and MM had seen us together. Obviously the timing was off. He went sort of crazy over it and again not being able to see his son. I found out that he had gone home and tried to get his son and she wouldn't let him near his son and he pushed her to the side. his wife called the police and they put him in jail for domestic assault. he is a kind and gentle soul so this was very upsetting to me. He had been in jail about a week when I found out. I wrote him a letter telling him I loved him, would always love him no matter what. he immediately called me after he got the letter. he called me crying and that he did love me would always love me, I bailed him out of jail on saturday... we were together for the day, but when they released him they called his wife to let her know... He told her he would work it out, he of course wanted her to drop the charges which she is doing. so she puts him in jail, i bail him out, and he is back with her. He had told me to give him three months to work this out. I have never had a problem with walking away from any man. I don't understand why I can't walk away from him. tomorrow makes a year that we have been seeing each other and once again I miss him so much. I am glad to find this forum...
Mr Spock Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot i'm in the middle of something similar and i can only speak for me. i'm heartbroken. i feel broken and damaged. but i'm still very much in love with him. we tried the being friends thing but it really doesn't work for me. i can't make myself believe he cares about me so much as he's trying to make himself not feel like a bad person for abandoning me. so i just told him that i'm done. but it's kicking my ass. I agree fully. It would be too easy for me to laugh and joke around with him-pretending he cares, but it makes me too angry and hurt. So F___ him. I can't do it either, regardless of if he wants to or not.
littleflowerpot Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock I agree fully. It would be too easy for me to laugh and joke around with him-pretending he cares, but it makes me too angry and hurt. So F___ him. I can't do it either, regardless of if he wants to or not. yeah. *sigh* i tried but i can never get over feeling it's all fake on his part. whether he is or not, just my feeling that alone is enough to crush me. so i can't do it.
Fancy Posted June 26, 2004 Posted June 26, 2004 Being friends is not an option. He's only calling and saying all of his nonsense so he can remain having sex with you with no ties (not that he had any real ties to begin with). If you want to continue being used, then go ahead and "be friends." If you want to get yourself mentally healthy and in charge of your life again, let it go, have no contact of any kind, and concentrate on yourself.
littleflowerpot Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 Originally posted by Fancy Being friends is not an option. He's only calling and saying all of his nonsense so he can remain having sex with you with no ties (not that he had any real ties to begin with). If you want to continue being used, then go ahead and "be friends." If you want to get yourself mentally healthy and in charge of your life again, let it go, have no contact of any kind, and concentrate on yourself. althought that might be the case in this relationship, that isn't always the case. sometimes they call because they want to relieve their own feelings of guilt and because they are loath to be thought of as a bad person. it's really very complicated.
Fancy Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 But again, it's all about them. Whether they're calling for sex, to relieve their guilt, or whatever, the point is, they're calling for selfish reasons. MidNiteAgl ended the relationship and instead of respecting her wishes, he continues calling knowing it will only hurt her and cause her great upset. If he truly cared, he'd stay out of her life completely and let her move on to a healthy, functional relationship with a single man.
Author MidNiteAgl Posted June 28, 2004 Author Posted June 28, 2004 Well, he called again this weekend. This time from his wife's phone. I didn't recognize that number so I answered it. He started out by saying that just let him say something real quick. So, like a fool I did. He said that he feels so guilty around his kids. That if we can just try to be friends he thinks he could behave himself around me because of all the guilt he has. So, I let him know that I wasn't willing to take that chance on "him trying to behave himself." And though I will always love him I could NOT let him be part of my life any longer. That we needed to cut all strings and just let it go. It was good while it lasted we were not meant to be. Then he wanted to know what if he left his wife and on and on. And I told him if he wanted to leave his wife that was his choice. But I told him don't leave her because you want to be with me. Because I could never trust him not to do to me what he did to her. That as much as this hurts now it will be better once we end it all for good. I got to listen to his stupid excuses. I finally told him that I could not waste another day of my life on him that I had to go. I said good bye wished him the best that life had to offer and hung up on him. I called my cell phone company and had his number and his wife's number blocked from my phone. And cried the rest of the evening. I want to Thank everyone here. If it weren't for your advice I don't think I could have had the courage to walk away from him. I can't help but to wonder what if we would have met early in both of our lives before he got married. Would we work out then? But then I think No, I would be his wife and some other woman would be me right now. And I can't think about that it hurts too bad.
Author MidNiteAgl Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Mr Spock, Just an update. I did leave my husband towards the end of last week. I came clean with him told him the truth. I told him I wasn't leaving to be with the other man. I was just leaving because I was no longer happy in our marriage. Our marriage has been over for a year. He has sleep in a different room for almost 9 months now. I will always love my husband but I am no longer in love with him. We are filing for a divorce next week. I don't know I am very much still in love with MM don't know if I will ever get over him. But I figure I will just be single for a while and see where life takes me.
Mr Spock Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Wow Midnite, that's quite a bit to go through in a short time...how are you coping so far? How is your network of friends and family? You need support during this-I am glad that you found the strength to do what you had to do. You're much braver in this than I ever was. I saw my MM today, from afar-I had to keep reminding myself that I DID NOT CARE that he was there. That there was no reason for me to be looking. To acknowledge his existance. Takes one day at a time. The part of me that likes to torture myself wants to have a direct public confrontation with him-not necessarily angry but just with people that don't know and think we're friends-just so I can be a aloof bitch. Isn't that silly?
Author MidNiteAgl Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 I don't think it is silly at all. Sometimes we need to be b*tches to make ourselves feel better. When we have a confrontation, it makes us feel like we have regained a part of ourselves. (The part we feel like they took away) I can tell you I am coping about as good as I can right now. My best friend was MM, we confinded everything in one another. I know that my best friend should have been my H but it wasn't, we had grown to far apart. But I have my mom and she is a one of the best friends I have ever had. Funny how you should say you seen your MM yesterday, I did too. I just seen him driving down the road. But still I felt my heart sink just from seeing him. He made me feel unlike anyone has ever made me feel. I don't know. We had this connection. And it wasn't just sexual. Because of all the times we were together only once did go as far as to having sex. (And this was only around 2 weeks ago) Most of the time all we did was talk. Don't get me wrong we kissed a lot, we held each other. I am not trying to make what we did right. Because I know how wrong it was. Soon to be ex H called me last night around midnight last night. MM had called him needing to speak to me. Telling H that he couldn't get through to me. Oh yeah, by the way, MM knows I left H and that I told him the truth about everything. MM told my H that he just rented himself an apartment alone. That he had come clean with his wife and told her that he wanted to be with me but didn't know if I would have him. MM wanted to know if H would please have me get in touch with him. Why he told H all of this I will never know. Part of me wants to call him so bad. But then again I don't. I don't want to be the rebound. I want him to have time alone to sort out what he wants in his life. And I know I need some time alone to sort out my life. Then I don't know if I could trust him enough not to do that same thing to me. But then does this mean that no man can trust me not to do to them what I did to my husband? This is a crazy cyle and I just don't know what to do any more. I thought I had it all figured out. I guess I was wrong.
Mr Spock Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Wow. What are you going to do? I agree that everyone needs some time to calm down and figure out what they want. Often decisions made in the heat of the moment are regretted later-do you want to talk to him? Can you talk to him but maintain your stance? If you figure out a way to talk to him without being angry, a b*tch, or cry please let me know and tell me.....
therresa kennedy Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 Hi midniteangel, No one has PM'ed me requesting that I read their posts and comment on them. Thank you by the way for saying you like to read my posts, I do my best. I just got another scolding from one of the moderators for being too much of a smart mouth. Guess I gotta watch my p's and q's now. I have gotten about three other private messages but I didn't know how to respond to them and I think they got deleted, so if anyone sent me one and I didn't respond, it's only because I am still learning how to use this herey system. Well, onto the business at hand, oh! by the way, Spock, I just loved that ditty on the bottom of your page, the uterus thing, and being blind fish! That was just too cute and funny, got quite a good laugh from that one. Anyway, Midniteangel, having had a few love relationships of my own, I can say with some degree of authority that if the sex is good its going to be MUCH MUCH harder to say goodbye. So, is it? is it hot? wild? and soul quenchingly satisfying? If the answer is YES, then you are gonna have quite a hard time saying goodbye to mister married. That is what has kept my husband and I together for so long, he's not the brightest guy in the bushes and he's got other faults, but the sex has always been so wonderful and satisfying. I can't really tell you what you should do, you are risking a lot being in a relationship like this, and ultimately it is going to be up to you to make any course of action stick, but if the sex part is mind numbingly fulfilling it is going to be doubly difficult for you to say goodbye and mean it. Good luck in whatever your course of action is, but be prepared for the consequences, they could be mild or horrendous. Best wishes.
therresa kennedy Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 Yes, MidNIteangel, I guess I should have actually [read] your post a bit more completely. If you actually haven't had a prolonged relationship with this guy of a sexual nature, then you could just be grooving on the high emotion of what's happening, getting an adrenalin rush from what's going on. The lovely and bright Demi Moore, the actress, once said, in explaining why she cheated with the rock singer Freddie Moore, and broke up his marriage, then married him, later left him, "It was the adrenalin rush of messing with people's lives." Well, at least she was honest. So it could be that the infatuation is only because this kind of thing is exciting, new, and that you're getting a rush from it. Anything is possible, but I would really question whether this is what you want, especially if you aren't sure that this man coudl make you happy, and lets face it girls, sex is more than half of what makes a marriage or relationship work. Is spiritual sex possible? Yes, absolutely, I've had it with my husband, and it's great. Anyhow, Midniteangel, hope my perspective helps.
Author MidNiteAgl Posted July 1, 2004 Author Posted July 1, 2004 Mr Spock, Haven't figured out yet just what I am going to do? I usually pass him on the way home from work. But last night I had to work late and I was so disappointed because I didn't get to see him. I don't know if we can ever be. I broke down and called him last night. But when he answered the phone I hung up. Just hearing him say hello made me cry. We the next thing I know, I have a strange number come up on my phone. I didn't answer it. Well, he left a voice mail. He said that that he thought I just tried to call him on his cell phone. He went on to tell me how he had left his wife and that he had his own apartment. And would love to try to have a relationship with me if I would just give him a chance. And went on to tell me how he had never connected with anyone on the level we connected. H called last night to see how I was doing. I told him what was going on. And he told me how he felt. He feels like I should give this guy a chance. I told him why I wasn't ready yet. And he told me not to let go of something that special. That if I let it go I might always wonder what might have been. I'm feeling pretty good. Seems like me and soon to be ex H are going to be better friends than we ever were married. Just wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future. LOL. Which reminds me I have to tell y'all what the psychic said. Will post more later. MidNiteAgl
Author MidNiteAgl Posted July 1, 2004 Author Posted July 1, 2004 Therresa, It wasn't about an adrenaline rush for me. It was something so much deeper. And the sex was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It was very earth shattering. It was like we became one. I know that sounds so corny but it's true. I can't describe it. Originally posted by therresa kennedy Anything is possible, but I would really question whether this is what you want, especially if you aren't sure that this man could make you happy, and lets face it girls, sex is more than half of what makes a marriage or relationship work. I know this is the man I want. But I just don't know if this is the time to pursue our relationship. Oh my gosh, just listen to me. I am just rambling. I am just lost in all of these feelings. It's not that I don't think he could make me happy. Because he does make me happy. He brings out my best qualities.
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