My emotionally cheating husband :(

[Mapper71]

My husband has no idea I know of all the things he's done because I have never told him. I don't THINK he's ever cheated on me physically but he sure has done it emotionally.

 

We have been together for almost 8 years. Long distance for 4 of those years and have been married for 2 years. I know his email password, his facebook password, his bank account password and we share our phone account so I can check that whenever.

 

There were many things I found out via his email while we were long distance. He went out with two old girlfriends on 2 different occasions and lied to me and told me he was going out with guy friends. Actually spent the night at one ex's house after going out with her, in her bed with her! I found this out via email. Also found out via an email she sent him a few days later that she really wanted to sleep with him but didn't. He set up a profile on 2 different dating sites. One I called him out on and he said he was just drunk one night and before he knew it he filled out his profile and I shouldn't worry about it and he took it down. Another he set up and I found out about and didn't tell him about but he eventually took that down.

 

Then there is this one ex girlfriend from 15 years ago who lives about 30 minutes from us. I've never met her, but he brings up her name in conversation often when saying that he got this when they were together or this is from her or her parents were great. They were engaged back then but she broke it off. I have seen conversations they've had on Facebook. Funny thing is, he always seems to run into her when I'm not with him. He was at the bars for his bachelor's party and I was out of town and he ran into her. Never told me, just found out via Facebook. He even said to her "Same old thing...can't get you out of my head" 4 days before our wedding! She even said that she wished he was available as she'd like to see him again.

 

Well a few weeks ago he went down to meet a buddy of his. I didn't go because he wanted to take his motorcycle. He ends up running into her again. I am with him 99% of the time when we go there but what were the chances they'd run into each other when I'm not there? He got home and I just asked if he ran into anyone else there (this was before I knew he saw her) and he said no. Wouldn't even tell me he saw her. Shady right? I found that out by another Facebook message where he said "Great seeing you last night".

 

Well I was gone for a week and I was worried the whole time that he'd do something. I monitored all his accounts every day to see if he was doing anything odd. I came home and he said he didn't do much of anything while I was gone, even though I know he went to 5 different bars. He told me about one and I found out about another. Why can't you tell me you went to a bar? I was okay with all his calls, except I made sure I knew this ex's number before I left to see if he'd call her because I had a feeling he might. Sure enough, about 10:30 PM on Saturday night her number shows up. It only lasted a minute so either he called her and got her voice mail and hung up or called her and left a short message. Either way, she never returned the call. We also collaborated on a design and he posted it on Facebook and tagged her so she'd see it. Um, why does she need to see it. That wasn't even hidden from me as it's public.

 

The guy even puts remarks on Facebook to other friends he has that he doesn't know well. Like one was a picture of a girl in a chair in some snow and he goes "Oh I'm surprised the snow didn't melt due to your hotness". and another girl posted about biking long distance and he goes "That's why you have such great legs". Nobody else posting remarks says anything about their physicality.

 

I hate to say it, but I don't trust my husband one bit. If I make a big deal about it he'll go "Oh you know I love you. Don't worry about anyone else. I'm just kidding around."

[SandieBeach]

Wow, you are incredibly patient to have caught him lying to you so much and never calling him on it. Why haven't you said anything? I don't know what your question is, if you have any, but I agree that your H is not trustworthy at all when it comes to your relationship.

[YellowShark]

 

1) He went out with two old girlfriends on 2 different occasions and lied to me and told me he was going out with guy friends.

 

2) Actually spent the night at one ex's house after going out with her, in her bed with her!

 

3) He set up a profile on 2 different dating sites.

 

4) Then there is this one ex girlfriend from 15 years ago who lives about 30 minutes from us. I've never met her, but he brings up her name in conversation often...

 

5) He even said to her "Same old thing...can't get you out of my head" 4 days before our wedding!

 

6) I found that out by another Facebook message where he said "Great seeing you last night".

 

7) ..he didn't do much of anything while I was gone, even though I know he went to 5 different bars. He told me about one and I found out about another.

 

8) Sure enough, about 10:30 PM on Saturday night her number shows up.

 

 

9) The guy even puts remarks on Facebook to other friends he has that he doesn't know well. Like one was a picture of a girl in a chair in some snow and he goes "Oh I'm surprised the snow didn't melt due to your hotness". and another girl posted about biking long distance and he goes "That's why you have such great legs". Nobody else posting remarks says anything about their physicality.

 

10) I hate to say it, but I don't trust my husband one bit. If I make a big deal about it he'll go "Oh you know I love you. Don't worry about anyone else. I'm just kidding around."

 

There are 10 HUGE RED FLAGS waving that your husband is a serial cheater and you are in denial. First he lies to you, then he is actively flirting and seeking out other women, and finally he gaslights you with ridiculous platitudes like "I'm just kidding around."

 

Put a fork in it Mapper71, this marriage is done. He isn't going to change his ways. You deserve better.

[ISurvived]

Why do you continue to tolerate him being blatantly rude and dismissive of you as his BW and a human being?

 

Your BH seems to be a serial cheater with no remorse.

 

Would your BH tolerate this behavior from you?

[sad puppy]

Dump him. March off to the lawyer, file the papers, and leave him in the dust. Just do it. He's playing you for a fool, and you're "trying to figure it out?".

 

He's a liar, cheater, and a player. Everyone can see those posts on fb. He's doing it all in the open. Let him go, no, shove his ass out the door. It will not get better.

 

Do it. Trust us. In the long run, you will be proud of yourself. Just do it so he never sees it coming.

 

And walk on to the rest of your life that is waiting for you. Without him.

[Frootloop]

Wow. This all sounds incredibly painful for you, but yeah, I do think that he's playing you in a big way. I would definitely get out before you get any more entrenched than you already are.

[Mapper71]

I hate to say it, but I don't trust my husband one bit. If I make a big deal about it he'll go "Oh you know I love you. Don't worry about anyone else. I'm just kidding around."

I have found out more about what happened while I was out of town. Friday afternoon I log into Facebook on our laptop. Well whoever used Facebook last never logged out of it so it just popped up to what I thought was my home page since I saw two posts from people I'm friends with, but DH is also friends with them. I saw that I had a message waiting so I clicked on it and it was a message from DH's aunt to him which is when I realized that this was his page, not mine. However, right below her message was a message from Jen, the ex girlfriend. I started getting sick to my stomach and had to click on it and read it.

 

She inititated the chat by sending the message "How're you doing?" that morning. He replied with "Good. I stopped by your place a couple weeks ago, then noticed it was like 10pm haha. I was out w/ John. How're you doing?" I just about threw up! So not only did he try calling her that night, which I knew from the phone records, but he also tried stopping by! Either he called her and she didn't answer so he went by or he went by and she didn't come to the door so he tried calling her. Either way he must not have left a message or she would have known that. How did he know where she lived if he hasn't had any contact with her since he's known me? The only other time I can think of that he may have been there was the night of his bachelor party 3 years ago because that's when messaging between them started again. Also, he told me he did not see John while I was gone because he just didn't feel like hanging out with him and I know he lied to her about being with him. He was at a few bars that night and was probably drunk enough to call her up and go over there.

 

She responded with a message about how's the motorcycle and he responded with something and then she said "Don't get a DUI when you're out with John okay?" and that's where the conversation ended and he hasn't replied.

 

I was so angry and was determined that I was going to say I saw their messages since I really did have a legit reason for seeing them this time. I had to pick him up after work and when he called I was very short with him while he was being all lovey with me. I picked him up and I think he could tell something was wrong because I wasn't my usual chipper self. He was still all lovey and holding my hand in the truck. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. I was down all night and the following morning and he even asked me the next morning what I was thinking about. Of course I still couldn't tell him. I just have a feeling he knew I had found out something. He was saying how much he loved me and that I was his babycakes and all that. That lovefest went on all day. If he did know something was up he most likely didn't want to say anything in case I was just moody for whatever else reason.

 

Then yesterday I was on the computer for a few hours while he took a nap and got off of it just a few minutes before he got up. He says to me "What were you doing in there all that time"? I don't know why he asked that question as I'm on the computer a lot for work. I think maybe he was afraid I was monitoring his Facebook account or something. I htink he may be getting paranoid about what I may or may not know about Jen. I sure as hell hope so!

[Radu]

I'll be blunt ... he ****ed her. He also ****ed other women, and he is trying to push a polygyny lifestyle on you.

 

Feel better ?

 

It doesn't matter what he does in the end because you have no control over that.

What matters to you is why did he get control of you so easily with the holding of hands and 'babycakes' talk to the point where you dropped the subject.

Why do you have such low self-esteem ?

Why are you a willing victim ?

[Mapper71]

I'll be blunt ... he ****ed her. He also ****ed other women, and he is trying to push a polygyny lifestyle on you.

 

Feel better ?

 

It doesn't matter what he does in the end because you have no control over that.

What matters to you is why did he get control of you so easily with the holding of hands and 'babycakes' talk to the point where you dropped the subject.

Why do you have such low self-esteem ?

Why are you a willing victim ?

Because I am a very introverted, wimpy person who can't stand having someone mad at me. Yes I know I have EVERY right to be mad at him and there's no way he should be angry at me, but he will turn it right around on me somehow and make me feel like I caused it or else it just isn't a big deal.

[PhoenixRise]

Mapper71

 

 

What is it you are hoping to get out of posting here?

 

Are you looking for advice on how to confront your husband?

 

You don't need us to tell you your husband is cheating. You already know he is.

 

YES. If you confront him he will probably be angry that you busted him but your only other alternative is to continue to turn a blind eye to his cheating and continued disrespect to you and to the marriage.

 

Which bothers you worse, the idea of confronting him and possibly losing the marriage or the knowledge that he is constantly cheating right under your nose?

 

Standing up for yourself has some risks, but Nothing about your marriage has a shot in hell of getting better as long as you are too afraid to confront him about what you see happening.