Let it be broken

[livingstrong]

Okay...her mom's here. We are in a complicated spot and I feel the potential for things to get ugly quick.

 

This morning she brought up moving...we just bought a huge home in NC 8 months ago from PA. She wants to move home with our 3 boys and let me stay here till the house sells. I LOVE it here and wish we could stay. She told me she wanted me to "build" her a house back in PA for her and the kids. It made me chuckle and I told her she should be able to build something quite nice with her half. She then became infuriated and threw a bowl on the floor calling me a "greedy bastard."

 

Right now I can do nothing right. ANYTHING I say, no matter now genuine is worthless...or feels worthless. It's like I'm trying to impose my will on her no matter what. If I say up, she says down...etc.

 

Truth is - if we move, it's going to be a real pain. I don't have the energy for it right now and I still love her. She doesn't want to reconcile with me; at least not right now. She wants to live apart.

 

Is there anything I can do? Should I just give her some space?

[Balzac]

It sounds from your description that you are residents of NC. Civil Court family law rules apply. I believe you do have means to control where and how your children live. Courts entertain emergency requests for hearings in situations like this.

 

Funding two households generally costs more than funding one. High net worth divorce/separations recognize the need to maintain the current lifestyle for the children. Researching family law in NC and PA is easily accomplished by your attorney. Making or forcing her to work is ludicrous. She will have assets allocated to her in value great enough to persue what lifestyle she chooses. It may be that wants her own education, business or other career.

If she is a profligate spender the court may approve establishing a trust for her portion of the assets. You have not mentioned her financial sophistication.

 

What's important is to be realistic about providing for your children and that may mean hiring help. If she lives separately, impaired by depression, the children need supervision. This task should not fall to your oldest son.

You may need a support staffer for your patenting time as well.

Some families investigate boarding school, The Hill School is in PA. I know your oldest son has a diagnosis that may complicate options.

 

You are the sole provider and in that role you have some ability to guide the outcome. Your desire to fund education expense, summer opportunities, vehicles and much more. What is your wife's desire when faced with providing for children versus more for herself?

 

Lots to consider with amped up emotions and relatives in house. Try to remain in control despite fight or flight. Try as best you can not to personalize her attempts to escalate the situation and emotions. You cannot control her. You can focus on getting a perspective, developing a plan and taking actions to engage legal advice.

 

I hope the relatives seek to calm the waters and focus on stability hour to hour for your children.

 

I feel your angst. Try to emotionally step back and recognize codependent behavioral tendency and historical patterns. She will continue to engage you in circular discussions and argument to bring the norm into play.

Hang in there. Nothing about moving your children out if state is easy.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Balzac
Typo

[Balzac]

Most interesting that she called you a greedy bastard as you made your first move to protect your children and in fact your wife.

 

All accounting records and financials will be submitted and thus it is highly unlikely she will be "cheated". For now the preparations for two households begin. Logistics, travel, the defined dates and duration. Many families live between multiple residences. That alone is new to you but not unusual.

Keep an open mind. Think outside the box. Few things in life of turmoil are long lasting. Keep that in mind.

[2sunny]

It's best to stay neutral.

 

Whatever she may say just respond with:

 

I'll give that some consideration

Let me get back to you on that

Thanks for telling me

Or even just a simple Hmmmmmm

 

It shuts down an argument while still acknowledging that she said something.

[livingstrong]

We've spent the past couple days, boating, swimming, and enjoying everything about the Memorial Day weekend. It's been a lot of fun - makes me remorseful that this is all happening, which I assume is natural.

 

Today I'm back to business and the gathering of knowledge continues. Lots of questions to ask...should I get separated in PA or NC? What happens to the company? Can she just pick up and leave with the kids if she desires and head back to PA? Lots of questions. Should I file first in this state? Lots of questions...lots of questions.

 

Just about every morning I wake up feeling panic and uncertainty. I know this is the right thing to do inside but it feels so cold and unnatural. It's like a bad dream. I keep wanting to wake up in our bed together - able to get along and enjoy our family that we have built without all this bulls**t.

[Balzac]

"Can she just pick up and leave with the kids if she desires and head back to PA?"

 

Absolutely she can. For a planned visit with predetermined start/end dates. Changes her mind and cancels end date to return to NC.

 

She can return with kids to PA and establish residency, meet the requirement to file for divorce and start the action. You then have to get an atty to present your reasons why filing in NC is valid.

 

You can in fairly short order get legal counsel on which jurisdiction is easier and a better outcome. You seem happy in NC and your kids are living there. Your business seems to be there.

I

I can understand that you are hoping for reconciliation. I can understand that this all feels forced. What you might do well to ponder is that you can act or react. In law it is referred to as Petitioner/Respondant.

 

Your NC attorney can work up an emergency petition and sit on it until you find that she is leaving with the children. Meeting with him/ her gives you time to prepare. At some point in time, leadership begins to play a role. If you don't step up chaos can ensue.

 

This action is of course not to prevent her having time with your children, alone, but rather to define that rules, agreements come into play. Where and how education and medical treatment will occur. How you arrange for your access to your children. You can and should come up with a plan. You can present the plan to the court. Does that make any sense?

 

Your wife can relocate to anywhere but follow the action in the state if jurisdiction. Your oldest son may feel torn by loyalty. What are your desires for him, at his age? Would he be best served by living with you as custodial parent? Many options exist.

 

I'm glad that your weekend was lively and peaceful. Happy for you that it worked out absent full on war.

 

Regrets are hard to live with. Forgive yourself and focus on establishing order. Your training gives you the skill to plan multiple decision trees and strategy for action or reaction. Have confidence.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Balzac

[Balzac]

We keep talking and referring to state laws but point of fact, divorce is usually a civil action in a county of your state. Just felt I should be clear on that. License to practice law is stats by state with many lawyers licensed in multiple states and the District of Columbia.

 

Most property settlements are agreed entry but confirmed by the civil judge. Some are court decisions, of which a small percentage go to the appellate court.

[livingstrong]

Tonight was the worst -

 

We had dinner with our pastor and his wife. They are aware that we are separated but didn't talk about the relationship too much. Most of the discussion was about our family and how we met at such a young age. The pastor and his wife also met when they were teenagers so they could relate to a lot of the experiences.

 

On the way home I told her I still loved her. I asked her to reconsider and undergo some counseling before we made any final decisions. She told me clearly that she wasn't in love with me and that her heart had changed. She confirmed her desire for us to live apart and move back to PA; citing that she wanted to be alone and not to be in any relationship.

 

Meanwhile she is still emailing with her EA but states that he is in a relationship in CA and they are just friends. I believe she has it all planned out. I believe that she thinks once we are separated that he will be open to meeting her. My wife walks around like she is perfectly fine...nothing is hurting her whatsoever.

 

I'm weak today but realize it's time for me to move on. There is no convincing, changing her mind, any of those things. It's over and the more I plead, the more I push her away. Funny how that works.

[2sunny]

Read pages 84-88 in the big book. It targets what to do and what not to do just for today.

 

It specifically states not to drift into worry, remorse or regret. For that's not useful.

 

 

I noticed you using the word "remorse" several times.

 

Hugs! Just do today!

[Balzac]

Try to focus on understanding co-dependency. She's got you to focus her acting out as her audience. Lots of changes will be afoot. Neither of you know how she will cope.

 

I feel your anguish and how bereft you are. Take this hour by hour.

 

Respect yourself enough to maintain sobriety.

[2sunny]

How long have you been sober - completely sober?

 

And have you done all your steps?

[Balzac]

As I recall and just found:

 

"Half-way through my residency, my life came crashing down (2 years ago). Between work and my company, I was working nearly 100 hours per week I was nothing to my family but a paycheck. I started using drugs to cope with all of the pain and resentment and found myself in rehab in 2009. "

[2sunny]

As I recall and just found:

 

"Half-way through my residency, my life came crashing down (2 years ago). Between work and my company, I was working nearly 100 hours per week I was nothing to my family but a paycheck. I started using drugs to cope with all of the pain and resentment and found myself in rehab in 2009. "

 

Yep. But it may be useful to understand if he did his step work. His words don't show he did. Looks like he still thinks he's in charge and using his self will. It wouldn't be the case if he had done his step work... So it really makes me wonder if he has stayed sober since 2009 - or how long he may now be sober... If at all.

[Balzac]

I get that. I also understand your concerns completely. One thing is certain, turmoil and regret in abundance.

[livingstrong]

I entered recovery back in 2009 and have been going to meetings, etc ever since. It is true that until now I have not begun to work the steps. I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize this disease - to no avail. I briefly had a sponsor back in PA but I don't have one currently here in NC. Do you think a temp sponsor over the next few months would be a good idea? I'm ready for full commitment at this point.

[livingstrong]

So amazing how you guys can tell that from my posts. My sobriety date is August 16th, 2009.

[2sunny]

I entered recovery back in 2009 and have been going to meetings, etc ever since. It is true that until now I have not begun to work the steps. I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize this disease - to no avail. I briefly had a sponsor back in PA but I don't have one currently here in NC. Do you think a temp sponsor over the next few months would be a good idea? I'm ready for full commitment at this point.

 

Yes... A sponsor would be a great idea!

 

I can tell - because you are still trying to control things (part of not admitting to being "powerless) - and evidence that you're living in a negative energy path.

 

DOING the steps is something that should never end... So best to get started and find out how good things can get!

 

 

Powerless is different than helpless.

To "surrender" means to cease fighting.

 

For me - just for today - NOTHING is a battle!

 

No need to view it as a temporary sponsor - just ask someone who's done the steps to DO them with you. Someone who works straight from the big book.

 

It really is amazingly good this way!

 

Don't delay! Be the best you - YOU can be! That's what the BB showed me..

[livingstrong]

I do feel like I am trying to control this. Each day I analyze my behavior, her behavior. When she's happy and laughing it BOTHERS me a lot. I am yoyo-ing back and forth - oscillating between closing the door for good and putting 100% back into working on the marriage...only to set myself up for disappointment when she rejects the idea. One minute I'm calling attorneys and the next minute I'm in bed with her wanting to have sex. The pattern is horribly codependent. She has been to 4 individual counseling sessions so she is starting to identify the codependent behavior as well. I am scheduled for IC on the 18th of June (seems so far away right now).

 

Going to a meeting tonight. She and her mom are both going to Al-Anon. One day at a time. I'll start going through the steps. There is a guy I have in mind for this who I met at last week's meeting.

 

I am so uncomfortable in the Gray. I need either black or white, married or divorced. I have a hard time being okay with things sucking.

[livingstrong]

I made a move today -

 

Printed a contract with 3 points that were important

 

1) She wouldn't move the kids until house sold

2) Shared custody (50/50) during period of separation

3) I would help her secure a mortgage (she wanted this)

 

She signed the document which was HUGE! We are going to the notary tomorrow to sign again.

 

Odd thing happened today...I revealed a line she had texted here EA (who she says is just a friend of course) that was suggestive. She responded by coming into my office and insisting to see my computer. She was "sure" that I had met someone on line or was acting out in some way. The behavior was super co-dependent and came out of the blue. She then proceeded to find NOTHING because for ONCE I'm not doing anything.

 

For the first time, I'm going through this in pain. I can feel again and even though it hurts, I'm not numbing with anything.

 

Tonight after an AA meeting, I feel emotionless. I am looking forward what my life could be like some day with someone else. No time soon, but some day. I'm young (33) and have a lot of life left. I do not wish to go back to my old marriage. It's over - at least for now. Now...one day at a time. Smart, strategic, and calculated.

[2sunny]

That's great.

 

Staying neutral helps you to understand what's real and what's not. Staying off that emotional roller coaster helps. Not so many highs and lows. Not so much reacting and over reacting.

 

She may get baffled when you stop reacting to her.

 

Focus on your step work for a while - it will help you.

[livingstrong]

That's great.

 

Staying neutral helps you to understand what's real and what's not. Staying off that emotional roller coaster helps. Not so many highs and lows. Not so much reacting and over reacting.

 

She may get baffled when you stop reacting to her.

 

Focus on your step work for a while - it will help you.

 

 

We took our son to a doctor's appointment together this morning. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable around her, and I am in her presence so much of the time right now. Some of the decisions I will be making are going to come off as cold. The minute my wife feels like the well is drying out, **** is going to hit the fan. As long as I am doing them to set healthy boundaries and not out manipulation or discontentment, it's okay.

 

I'm looking forward to working the steps with someone who is mature in their recovery.

[livingstrong]

I have the feeling that at some point here she is going to make an advance at me to see if she has me under her palm. I've been there before and saw this happen. She broke down crying, telling me she loved me and said all the right things. I obliged and then gradually over 1 week, it all went back to hell. This was my life one year ago. I've got to resist the temptation this time around. It's time for new and brighter days.

[Character Floss]

from some of the others here.

 

The one image I will offer, and I hope it helps, is how I came to view the relationship with my ex-wife. We, too, had serious issues (I worked/largely took care of kids, while she typically spent 12 - 16 hours online each day, chatting, in the glory days of AOL).

 

Periodically I, too, had "enough" and she knew I was ready to end the relationship, and she would change, for a while.

 

The image: Charlie Brown, Lucy and the Football.

 

"Here Chuck. I won't pull the football away this time. Come on. Don'tcha trust me?"

 

And I would go back and try to kick the football again.

 

If you know her MO is to act like she's going to hold the football for you and jerk it away again, keep that, or some similar image, close to mind. Otherwise, or even in spite of that, you might start to feel crazy if she is as believable as my wife was...you'll doubt your memory of what was, your perception of what is and allow her to rewrite history and in doing so, to throw you into internal disarray.

[2sunny]

If it were me - and my spouse needed to stay in touch with someone else - and made the decision to do that - over a decision that made me happy - then I would completely understand that a decision was made that doesn't support the marriage.

 

And don't believe what she says. Ask to call the counselor and get confirmation that speaking wih another person is ok. That the counselor thinks its a healthy move to support the M.

 

It's NOT! IF the counselor knew that communication with the OM was distracting energy from the Mand sucking the life out of any possible connection you COULD have - no counselor would support THAT! UNLESS your W has told the counselor she doesn't intend to be committed to you or the M.

 

Can't be both ways for the M to be healthy! She's short changing YOU by paying so much attention to her OM!

 

 

Tell her!

 

Or call the counselor and have a three way conversation! Ask! Id ask "did you give my wife permission to pay MORE attention to her OM the to her husband?" why? "Tell me how our M is supposed to be healthy with the OM distracting her from her primary relationship?" "why would I want to stay with a W that intends to ignore me?"

[livingstrong]

If it were me - and my spouse needed to stay in touch with someone else - and made the decision to do that - over a decision that made me happy - then I would completely understand that a decision was made that doesn't support the marriage.

 

And don't believe what she says. Ask to call the counselor and get confirmation that speaking wih another person is ok. That the counselor thinks its a healthy move to support the M.

 

It's NOT! IF the counselor knew that communication with the OM was distracting energy from the Mand sucking the life out of any possible connection you COULD have - no counselor would support THAT! UNLESS your W has told the counselor she doesn't intend to be committed to you or the M.

 

Can't be both ways for the M to be healthy! She's short changing YOU by paying so much attention to her OM!

 

 

Tell her!

 

Or call the counselor and have a three way conversation! Ask! Id ask "did you give my wife permission to pay MORE attention to her OM the to her husband?" why? "Tell me how our M is supposed to be healthy with the OM distracting her from her primary relationship?" "why would I want to stay with a W that intends to ignore me?"

 

This is SO true. The fact of the matter is that my wife has told me she does not love me the way that I "deserve" or want to be loved. She's been clear about saying that. She states, she is not, however, ready to divorce and wants to separate so she can have some space and work on herself. This would be fine if there was no one else in the picture, but there is regardless of what she says or even believes herself. To me it sounds like a "I want my cake and eat it too scenario."

 

Calling her counselor would be a BAD idea. She already views me as controlling and it feels like anything I do is viewed as controlling and imposing on her freedom and will. I have come to know this (via Steve Covey) as counter-productive behavior, which is the most immature type of behavior known. Basically, she will sacrifice her own needs and what's best for her just to spite me or go against my opinion. For example, I've been trying to get her to go take art courses and start writing poetry again for many months. Now that we are separated, she is being proactive about doing those things and says they are for HER. It's crazy thinking. If it's my idea, it's wrong PERIOD.

 

Regardless, I have to just keep taking it one day at a time. If I even think to tomorrow I start getting very anxious and feel compulsed to go find her and talk. This only makes me look more needy and pushes her further away while making me feel worse. This is where the 180 behavior comes in. I just don't know if I really want this relationship. In my heart, I know it's not been right for a long time (if ever) and desire the potential of being happy one day with a woman - not now, but some day. I keep this hope.

 

If she desires to be with this other guy, then so be it. I can't change that. He stimulates her mentally in a way that I cannot. My ego is hurt by this and I do feel rejected, especially because I am a great partner to her and have given her a very good live and love our children. It's not enough though...we have fundamental failures. In the end, I'll be better off with someone else. I know this.