Let it be broken

[Balzac]

I hear you on the Algebra 1. Your son's health is the priority.

 

Ouch on the audit!!

 

It is your recovery--and you clearly own it. You are committed to it and that's so necessary for future happiness. It's a shame that mixing with the general population turned her off. She could try a different meeting. Each has it's own personality. Becoming humble isn't easy.

 

Keep talking. Your shares have been personal and relevant. Who among us hadn't stumbled and fallen. Folks here have experience and insight to share.

[Character Floss]

For a new business to be audited so soon...either very successful, or you've apparently become associated with the wrong political currents. Or both.

 

Bravo for earning the audit, however you managed it, but I am sorry that you are having to deal with the part of our system that officially and openly operates on a "guilty until proven innocent" basis.

[standtall]

livingstrong..why are you doing the 180 when you are the one who betrayed her most recently? The 180 is more geared for people that are acting weak and allowing their spouses to walk all over them....it appears that she is doing the 180 to you.( I wonder if 2- 180's in the opposite direction cancel each other out?) IMHO, you should be pursuing her and not ignoring her. I do not mean the snively, boot licking kind of pursuit that the 180 is designed to eliminate, but the confident, courtship type of pursuit. Be the man that she fell in love with. Women do not love men that they do not respect, so earn it. Also,that cell phone glued to her is a big time red flag......combine that with her use of Satan's notebook, and that is her vehicle for escaping the marriage. Eliminate that vehicle by replace the phone and facebook with you.

[Snowflower]

I've not been even close to a perfect husband. I developed a full-blown addiction that seemed to come out of nowhere a few years into residency, when my life consisted of work...work...and then some work. The was no reprieve. I remember even back to high school and college wanting to interact with other women.

 

Over the years, this continued, except for me it was always physical and centered around excitement and spontaneity. It wasn't until 2 1/2 years ago when I got into recovery that I started to see who I really was. Rehab really knocked me sideways in a good way. I used to be such an angry dick-head (excuse my language). My ego has always been an issue for me. I actually have felt human since residency ended 8 months ago.

 

Why I have engaged with other women online....hmmm. I personally don't believe it is something I have conscious control over - it becomes compulsivity. Ever heard the saying...a drink is a drug is a cookie is a date is a bet? Wel...that's me apparently. The only way I can live is by dedicating myself to recovery. I still have guilt issues with the whole thing. I feel awkward and "less than" because I have this odd disease.

 

In my seemingly rational mind, I feel like I am trying to play tennis with a partner who is not hitting the ball back and somehow get enjoyment (in a sick way) out of playing. Then, once I realize that her racquet is down, I go play with someone else to make sure I'm still a worthy tennis partner. Super-sick thinking.

 

Let it be said...addiction and alcoholism are "thinking diseases" and NOT drinking diseases.

 

Thank you for being so honest and forthright in your response, LS!

 

I still feel that the 180 is the wrong approach for you to be taking in your situation. The 180 can be very effective but it is not for all situations when there is an affair (your wife's) involved.

 

What are your plans if you cannot get your wife's attention back on you/your marriage?

[livingstrong]

livingstrong..why are you doing the 180 when you are the one who betrayed her most recently? The 180 is more geared for people that are acting weak and allowing their spouses to walk all over them....it appears that she is doing the 180 to you.( I wonder if 2- 180's in the opposite direction cancel each other out?) IMHO, you should be pursuing her and not ignoring her. I do not mean the snively, boot licking kind of pursuit that the 180 is designed to eliminate, but the confident, courtship type of pursuit. Be the man that she fell in love with. Women do not love men that they do not respect, so earn it. Also,that cell phone glued to her is a big time red flag......combine that with her use of Satan's notebook, and that is her vehicle for escaping the marriage. Eliminate that vehicle by replace the phone and facebook with you.

 

Snowflower - This is in response to you too :-)

 

The odd thing is that the more I read about Co-dependence, the more I can relate to the co-dependent person. It's very odd. If I look at our relationship over the past 5 years, I've always been the proactive one to get help. The few brief stints we had at MC, I was always the one setting up the appointments and almost forcing her to go at times. She's not much of an initiator so I always thought it was okay. I've been courting my wife for 2 years...taking care of her, setting up trips for us, asking her to go walking, play tennis, basically any family-oriented activity.

 

The ONLY time she has really shown interest was on 2 occasions when I really pulled back. The first came last year when I had enough of her EA and was ready to leave the house. She called me sobbing, was depressed, and said she couldn't imagine living without me. 2 weeks later she was back to the same patterns of FB and disinterest.

 

The second time was back in October - she had lived in our new house for a few months and I was back in another state finishing residency. Similar situation, except this time she told me that she did not feel intimacy with me and that I could not give her what she wanted. Okay...so I let go and said fine...lets move on. Same thing happened...she cried...went to church and said that God had moved her spirit. I came down to the house, we reconciled and then decided to start fresh. She agreed to MC, and new beginnings but then it fell back to the way it was...FB, cell phone in her face every night before bed, same old stuff.

 

After a few months, I started meeting girls online.

 

Point is...180 worked before...to be honest it's the only time I really feel like I've gotten the attention I desire from my wife. So I tend to default to that now, I guess. I want nothing more than to work toward a better relationship with communication and purpose in the presence of a counselor. I am very capable of loving someone deeply and being committed to them. I desire a healthy relationship - one built on trust and communication. For me to ever have the chance at this I have to stay in recovery. This type of a relationship takes desire and work. My wife has no interest in putting in this effort. And I realize I cannot push her. If their is one thing that I do not lack...it's willingness to change. I'm an open palate.

 

Does this add clarity?

[Snowflower]

Its possible that you and your wife are co-dependent which adds an unhealthy dynamic to any relationship. My guess is that since you have known each other since you were so young, as teenagers, that you practically grew up together and this often causes codependency, IMO. Perhaps as you have both gotten older, the codependency has made both of you feel restricted at times. Especially as the two of you have matured as individuals.

 

It also seems like the two of you have this push-pull in your relationship. She backs away, you pursue. When she comes around then you back away. I think that is also part of the codependency dynamic.

 

I can understand better now why you are trying to do the 180 as a way to stop the codependency. Unfortunately, I think you need to explore the codependency issue as a separate dynamic in your relationship...perhaps in therapy?

 

You guys have a lot of issues and have added the 3rd party involvement for both of you--her with her FB male buddy and you with these online friendships, which further complicates things. My suggestion is IC and MC.

[livingstrong]

Its possible that you and your wife are co-dependent which adds an unhealthy dynamic to any relationship. My guess is that since you have known each other since you were so young, as teenagers, that you practically grew up together and this often causes codependency, IMO. Perhaps as you have both gotten older, the codependency has made both of you feel restricted at times. Especially as the two of you have matured as individuals.

 

It also seems like the two of you have this push-pull in your relationship. She backs away, you pursue. When she comes around then you back away. I think that is also part of the codependency dynamic.

 

I can understand better now why you are trying to do the 180 as a way to stop the codependency. Unfortunately, I think you need to explore the codependency issue as a separate dynamic in your relationship...perhaps in therapy?

 

You guys have a lot of issues and have added the 3rd party involvement for both of you--her with her FB male buddy and you with these online friendships, which further complicates things. My suggestion is IC and MC.

 

Co-dependency is a HUGE part of the whole dynamic. We are learning about this together for the first time. Yesterday, 3 books arrived on this issue that she ordered and she has her 4th IC session tomorrow. I am still waiting for an IC date that isn't until June 18th (unless cancelation).

 

I am trying to be rational and say...lets for now keep this between us (no outside "Friends") and work through it together one way or the other with outside help. She admitted yesterday that she is talking to her FB friend...says it's once or twice per week (yeah right) and that it is completely non-romantic and just likes having a male support through this. She uses a secret email, password-encoded phone, and is completely secretive about it. THIS IS THE PART THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I am consumed thinking about the discussions I envision them having...about the future, exciting experiences she wants to share with him, our marriage, what a f-up I am...the whole works. I am consumed by this for some reason and have a tough time coping with that part.

 

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here...how I can break the cycle. It's interfering with work, my kids, every part of my life right now. I feel completely out of control with my emotions, which sucks.

[livingstrong]

Bouncing off the bottom today - posting here really helps. Once again I brought up reconciliation to my wife today. She very clearly told me that she was in a good state, taking care of herself, and does not want a reconciliation with me. She told me she wasn't in love with me and that we should move toward formal separation. She does not want to get divorced right now.

 

I feel so pathetic for even asking. How can I get out of this rut and move on with my life? My desire is for us to get help together with our co-dependency and then work on the marriage. She's not interested right now. Might this change?

[Balzac]

History being the best predictor of future action ~ yes, her attitude might change. Add in the codependency and I think it bolsters hope for change. The come hither/distance dance is in play.

 

Formal separation requires effort. Is she arranging this or expecting you to handle it? The adrenalin of drama can be a mighty attractive high.

[Character Floss]

You know that you cannot change her. Of course she's in a "good place" right now, as she has the percs of marriage, including you taking care of the children (which is not bad), without the responsibilities.

 

I don't understand why she wants a formal separation rather than divorce, but wonder if it is to give her time to prepare better for a divorce.

 

At this point I would play some pro-active defense: find out who the "best" (and that can mean ruthless) divorce attorneys in your area are, and make initial consults with as many of them as you have time to keep. This can/should preclude her from access to those same attorneys if/when a divorce comes about. Also, you should be able to get the skinny on just what a legal separation means in your state, who benefits from it and how.

 

Given the hx of depression/laziness you describe, I don't understand how she could be the more appropriate parent. I would do everything I could to keep my nose squeaky clean, think about your children if nothing else, and get ready for a divorce and seeking the physical custody of your children--not because you are mean, but it sounds like (hearing only your side, but sensing you are aware of your own faults/contributions) you would make the more capable, involved parent.

 

I am not into the idea of hiding assets/shafting a spouse, but I will say my gut says that she is setting you up as she makes her plans.

 

I am sorry it kills you to think about what she might be saying to the OM and about you, but you cannot change that.

 

Try as best you can to apply the same drive that put you through med school and guided you through starting a business into protecting your children and becoming whole yourself.

 

Real MT is hard work; been doing it for about six months now. If your wife is not interested in that kind of hard work, there is nothing you can do about it. AND (I know, starting a sentence with a conjunction; poor grammar) you are fulfilling your role as an enabler to her by going along, somewhat passively, with what she wants.

 

A legal separation may be the best thing for both of you. It may "buy" you additional time for her to "come around" while giving you both certain contractual protections; or it may play into something she is concocting with the aid of someone who is convinced you are simply some uncaring ex-addict/addict who is married to your work (sorry to feed your paranoia).

 

Best wishes.

[livingstrong]

History being the best predictor of future action ~ yes, her attitude might change. Add in the codependency and I think it bolsters hope for change. The come hither/distance dance is in play.

 

Formal separation requires effort. Is she arranging this or expecting you to handle it? The adrenalin of drama can be a mighty attractive high.

 

Balzac - I am operating too emotional right now. Yesterday, I cried like a baby in front of her telling her that I was sorry for not honoring our wedding vows. I felt so pathetic. We live in the same home (just moved here 6 months ago) which is a 6-hr drive from our support systems at home. I love it here and want to stay; she did like it here but now says "it isn't right" and wants to leave. I really need to get it together here. I set up an appointment with the pastor of our church to talk 1-on-1 tomorrow.

 

Today she asked for a "mission statement for our separation" to protect the kids and said we'll need to live alone for a while. I find myself asking her to give it some time and let us be separated here for a while before making any decisions. I tend to be the "fixer" and really feel like I need to pull back here. Easier said than done because of the OM she is emailing back and forth with. It would be much easier without that.

 

I approached her about MC today and she said..."OK...if it will help YOU then we can give it a try once, but I know how I feel." UUUrrrrrhhhhh....frustrating.

[livingstrong]

Huge blow up last night - took the kids golfing and just knew she was talking to the OM when I was gone from the house. Came home, checked, was correct and then confronted her. She lied to my face about it. At that point, something turned in my body and it was like a heavy revolving door. I was suddenly at peace with separating and moving forward. It was all okay.

 

This morning I met with a pastor for the first time from my church. I laid it all on the table. He gave me advice from a Godly perspective and told me God wanted to do great things in my life. This made me happy. My relationship with my wife is secondary to my relationship with God. Whether separated, married, divorced, I've got three boys to bring up. I want God to be in my life.

 

That said, I'm ready to move on. Making plans to separate and move back to our original state. One day at a time.

[Balzac]

Thanks for your update. Glad you are for now in a better emotional state if being. I know you need this to work on your program.

 

As to legal advice. Capable, well experienced and willing to go to the mat is all you need to hire. Ruthless is a misnomer. Some family lawyers are capable, successful litigators. Some have handled large dollar divorces but most have not. Think of financial planning for your kids. Your ability to earn is your greatest asset and thus that for your kids and their mother too.

Be wise not ruthless. Just my suggestion.

 

Focus on keeping your self focus, put your fixer tendency toward getting the best financial planner, best arrangement for your children and try to allow your wife the freedom to make her own mistakes. Control the variables you can. Give up controlling what you cannot.

 

Keep working on your issues.

[Balzac]

Please understand that preparation for litigating a case never means it goes to trial. Any case can be settled thru agreed entry. Understanding the true legal issues is your goal. You are intelligent, educated and wholly capable of constructing several best case outcomes. Seek knowledge. Knowledge is power. Best of weekends to you.

[livingstrong]

Balzac -

 

Thanks for the strength and support. My head is clear right now. Knowledge is power and I am looking forward to getting the facts. This is going to be a very high-dollar and tricky case. I hope to navigate the waters wisely and grow through this process no matter what the outcome. And I'm going to keep posting!

[Character Floss]

My apologies for using, inappropriately, the term ruthless. "Going to the mat" is a much better description.

 

LS: I am glad that God is supplying what you need. I have a friend, only 26, who two years ago was a successful stockbroker, as well as a heroin addict and mid-level dealer (he made more $$ that way).

 

He came to rehab in our town just to get away for a weekend; at 26 told his parents, "I know this won't work...I just want to get away." A few days later he came to our church--which has a strong addict connection--and found himself walking down the aisle and leaving knowing that SOMETHING had happened.

 

He is now married, and I spoke to him today...learning that yesterday he and his wife obtained custody of her daughter (four) whom she had not seen in a year. She is clean, but when her ex served her she was on Day Three of detox...it was over before she was out of treatment.

 

Oddly enough he wound up with eleven felony charges recently and incarceration, both violent and drug-related...and the choice of hiring an attorney for a custody fight, and losing his public defender, or agreeing to the change in custody and keeping his PD.

 

See, God does have a way of working things out. I expect you know the verse, but if not, take a minute with 2 Chronicles 20. Verse 12, especially in the ESV translation, may be very encouraging.

 

If you have the time to download and listen later, or listen, I encourage you to listen to the following:

 

The Advantage of Weakness - Resource Center - Truth For Life

 

I am sorry for being so flat and down. I once was in many ways a Godly man. I am the one who had an affair some months ago and we are now separated, and while the desire for reconciliation has been a constant with my wife (and not only for healthy reasons), it has not been with me--not only for unhealthy reasons. Our weekly MC has been kicking my emotional and spiritual butt, and in my fog I forgot to renew my cymbalta some time ago. I don't know your specialty, but withdrawal from this stuff is...not good...so I renewed and am picking up today.

 

Yes, God does have plans for you. Every once in a while, perhaps each day, simply pray that in whatever choices you face, you have the understanding and the strength to choose the path that brings God the greatest glory--which I really don't think we "bring" God glory...but we choose the paths, often of weakness, that permit Him to reveal Himself, His glory, most fully through us and in us. It was the woman with whom I had the affair who made that point, over a year ago...before there was an affair.

 

Best wishes...

[Balzac]

My apologies for using, inappropriately, the term ruthless. "Going to the mat" is a much better description.

 

LS: I am glad that God is supplying what you need. I have a friend, only 26, who two years ago was a successful stockbroker, as well as a heroin addict and mid-level dealer (he made more $$ that way).

 

He came to rehab in our town just to get away for a weekend; at 26 told his parents, "I know this won't work...I just want to get away." A few days later he came to our church--which has a strong addict connection--and found himself walking down the aisle and leaving knowing that SOMETHING had happened.

 

He is now married, and I spoke to him today...learning that yesterday he and his wife obtained custody of her daughter (four) whom she had not seen in a year. She is clean, but when her ex served her she was on Day Three of detox...it was over before she was out of treatment.

 

Oddly enough he wound up with eleven felony charges recently and incarceration, both violent and drug-related...and the choice of hiring an attorney for a custody fight, and losing his public defender, or agreeing to the change in custody and keeping his PD.

 

See, God does have a way of working things out. I expect you know the verse, but if not, take a minute with 2 Chronicles 20. Verse 12, especially in the ESV translation, may be very encouraging.

 

If you have the time to download and listen later, or listen, I encourage you to listen to the following:

 

The Advantage of Weakness - Resource Center - Truth For Life

 

I am sorry for being so flat and down. I once was in many ways a Godly man. I am the one who had an affair some months ago and we are now separated, and while the desire for reconciliation has been a constant with my wife (and not only for healthy reasons), it has not been with me--not only for unhealthy reasons. Our weekly MC has been kicking my emotional and spiritual butt, and in my fog I forgot to renew my cymbalta some time ago. I don't know your specialty, but withdrawal from this stuff is...not good...so I renewed and am picking up today.

 

Yes, God does have plans for you. Every once in a while, perhaps each day, simply pray that in whatever choices you face, you have the understanding and the strength to choose the path that brings God the greatest glory--which I really don't think we "bring" God glory...but we choose the paths, often of weakness, that permit Him to reveal Himself, His glory, most fully through us and in us. It was the woman with whom I had the affair who made that point, over a year ago...before there was an affair.

 

Best wishes...

 

No apology necessary but accepted. Thanks for your very personal share. What an amazing couple of life stories.

[Character Floss]

oh...as for the eleven felony charges...that was not my friend, but his wife's ex-husband, who had done the divorce while she was in rehab.

 

I looked back and saw my writing was not very clear! But funny how...without them lifting a finger...the situation changed, and the little girl is reunited with her mother...learning to live in a home without drugs, set on 40 acres (a small home on the property of some friends of mine)...and my frind and his wife are hoping that the ex-husband will be a vital part of his daughter's life...not cut out...visiting him in jail, etc.

 

Yeah, pretty amazing.

[livingstrong]

Went to bed level-headed, woke up anxious, remorseful, and trying to figure out what went wrong in the past. And I felt so good when I wen to sleep - uhhh...so annoying.

 

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to navigate through this early strategically, without emotion (or as little as possible), and in an honest and Godly way. She has been spending money left and right, buying furniture for the house we are going to sell (hmmmm)...and saying things like "I'll have a living room wherever I go."

 

Well...today I separated my bank account. I'm the only one working...planning to redirect my direct deposit and then share equally for our shared expenses...food, house payment, etc. She can do what she wants with her half of the rest. I think I'm being fair here.

 

The weekend is here. I'm sad. I want to take the kids and do things as a family but it's not possible right now. This is the real deal.

[Character Floss]

I take it you mean...divide the known expenses equally, divide what is left and she can do with half of what is left as she wills. Yes, that is very fair and it offers you and your children some protection.

 

So you sit in the midst of your enemies: Pain, loss, sense of failure, betrayal, the guilt of betraying, pain again and more loss...

 

And it is in this position in the midst of these enemies that true anointing for use by God comes (you anoint my head with oil) and, in the midst of it, He will feed you: "You prepare a table for me...my cup overflows." For what it's worth, the "glass is half full" may be man's best in a bad situation, while an overflowing cup is God's offer/response.

 

Rejoice in your powerlessness! Confess it to God, rejoice in it...enjoy it...because He delights in meeting the needs and supplying for those who know their emptiness and powerless and who therefore throw themselves on Him (and forgive me if this is too preachy).

[livingstrong]

I take it you mean...divide the known expenses equally, divide what is left and she can do with half of what is left as she wills. Yes, that is very fair and it offers you and your children some protection.

 

So you sit in the midst of your enemies: Pain, loss, sense of failure, betrayal, the guilt of betraying, pain again and more loss...

 

And it is in this position in the midst of these enemies that true anointing for use by God comes (you anoint my head with oil) and, in the midst of it, He will feed you: "You prepare a table for me...my cup overflows." For what it's worth, the "glass is half full" may be man's best in a bad situation, while an overflowing cup is God's offer/response.

 

Rejoice in your powerlessness! Confess it to God, rejoice in it...enjoy it...because He delights in meeting the needs and supplying for those who know their emptiness and powerless and who therefore throw themselves on Him (and forgive me if this is too preachy).

 

All wonderful stuff. Easier said than done but the good things in life require work, faith, struggle so it's all in the plan. I know God has a plan for me and my family. We are sick right now and only time will allow the healing.

 

The intensity of Denial -> Anger -> Sadness -> Bargaining -> Depression is a daily roller-coaster in no predictable order. At the end of it all is Acceptance.

[Character Floss]

I fluctuate from living what I just shared to living as a practical atheist. To a degree I understand.

 

What I shared were things that became real to me twenty years ago when my first wife died. I can vouch for its reailty--and for how easy it is to forget...

[2sunny]

The purpose of the separation is to give my wife time to heal on her own. She has stated that she feels I hinder her from living. Despite my encouragement for her to do art again, write poetry, join book clubs, take classes, anything healthy activity that would stimulate her outside of the house, she just won't do it. I invite her to play tennis, golf, go on our boat...and each time she has an excuse why she can't. My wife suffers from depression.

 

She states that she needs to find HER path alone, without me. She set up an apt with a personal trainer, looked into piano lessons, went to IC, and seems to be moving forward. As soon as I get in the picture, she shuts down completely. Her counselor says that we are in a toxic relationship. I know this is true. I've been in great denial about our potential for quite some time.

 

I keep thinking we can "fix" this with outside help from a MC but she doesn't have the DESIRE to work at it right now. Just today she said...call me in a couple years and we'll see.

 

I know one thing...I've got to stick to my recovery program and work on me. The concept of working on ME, compared to US just doesn't make sense in my irrational mind.

 

To answer your question, the money doesn't seem important right now. I still love her to a fault. She loves our boys very much and I'm sure a JC would be in order, or so I presume. Not sure where this road goes.

 

Kick her out. Make her get a job and pay her way!

 

That might help her see reality!

 

Depressed? Because she's too focused on herself - her Facebook - and not getting into ACTION for living in reality!

 

She can work - and she should!

 

She has enough time to be on FB all day - she has enough time to work and contribute money to her living expenses.

 

Stop making it easy for her to not work.

 

Focus on you.

 

Let her focus on her.

 

Don't make things so easy for her to stay home. She needs to get out in the world.

 

You need to work on good balance.

 

Engaging in online flirting doesn't help anyone. Learn how to be happy on your own... Learn how to trust your higher power.

 

Learn that all these things do mean something.

 

And don't tell me you don't know why you went back online - when you KNEW it would break any trust that may have been left! It is your EGO FEED! You are supposed to be getting rid of your ego - not feeding it and growing it bigger!

 

Your W is focused on her FB - someone is there that she needs to keep in touch with - as long as she does - there's NO ROOM for you.

 

If she's unwilling to delete her FB and all contact with the guy she's focused on - your M has NO CHANCE of recovering.

 

Stay on path! What steps have you done? What do you DO for your recovery and others in recovery every day?

[2sunny]

All wonderful stuff. Easier said than done but the good things in life require work, faith, struggle so it's all in the plan. I know God has a plan for me and my family. We are sick right now and only time will allow the healing.

 

The intensity of Denial -> Anger -> Sadness -> Bargaining -> Depression is a daily roller-coaster in no predictable order. At the end of it all is Acceptance.

 

No one says to "accept unacceptable behavior" - do you even have a healthy boundary? What does it look like?

 

First YOU must take care of YOU. Recovery is first because without it you have nothing.

 

When you are healthy it's easier to focus on helping others.

 

IF your wife isn't willing to change - there's nothi you can do to change her. The decision is then made by you to either stay knowing its not enough or leave knowing she's not going to change.

[livingstrong]

Kick her out. Make her get a job and pay her way!

 

That might help her see reality!

 

Depressed? Because she's too focused on herself - her Facebook - and not getting into ACTION for living in reality!

 

She can work - and she should!

 

She has enough time to be on FB all day - she has enough time to work and contribute money to her living expenses.

 

Stop making it easy for her to not work.

 

Focus on you.

 

Let her focus on her.

 

Don't make things so easy for her to stay home. She needs to get out in the world.

 

You need to work on good balance.

 

Engaging in online flirting doesn't help anyone. Learn how to be happy on your own... Learn how to trust your higher power.

 

Learn that all these things do mean something.

 

And don't tell me you don't know why you went back online - when you KNEW it would break any trust that may have been left! It is your EGO FEED! You are supposed to be getting rid of your ego - not feeding it and growing it bigger!

 

Your W is focused on her FB - someone is there that she needs to keep in touch with - as long as she does - there's NO ROOM for you.

 

If she's unwilling to delete her FB and all contact with the guy she's focused on - your M has NO CHANCE of recovering.

 

Stay on path! What steps have you done? What do you DO for your recovery and others in recovery every day?

 

2sunny - I appreciate your directness here. Kicking her out seems harsh but I get the point...and the rest is truthful. Yesterday I separated bank accounts...and told her when she came home. I put 60% in my account and left the rest (a very nice chunk of change BTW). I thought this was fair...didn't feel malicious when doing it. Later in the day I told her. She flipped out and threatened to pack suitcases and go back to PA from NC immediately with the kids. I, being codependent of course, tried to settle her down and then then softened a lot when she became depressed and went to bed.

 

I dreamed about her last night and woke up feeling insecure and sad about the way things are working out. Feeling needy is bad enough but acting out and being pathetic is the worst. Today her mom and cousin are coming to visit for a few days.

 

What's to stop her from taking the kids and going back to PA if she wants? I don't think there is any law against this.

 

This thing would be so much easier if she wasn't talking to someone else. She tries to convince me regularly that they speak infrequently (once a week or so) and says it's "her boundary." She even brought it up to her counselor who apparently told her it was okay...just be careful not to start a relationship.

 

Really bothers me that she won't concede to talk to this guy even though she sees nothing wrong with it. It just doesn't feel right. For some reasons she views stopping the communication (or at least pausing it) would be giving into my will and would be somehow subversive.

 

I just don't get it. This is my first love and I've loved her since the day I met her at 15. I keep thinking of the good times.