BonsaiTree Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) I have an odd situation to say the least. I married my husband almost eight years ago and we have not been able to be intimate ever. I grew up in a family where intimacy was never shown and had anxiety about pregnancy and intimacy. I love my husband but was never able to be intimate because of this "fear." Unfortunately things did not get better for us, we tried but I could never open up. I told him I am having anxiety issues but with the economy the way it was I was never able to see anyone for help. We ended up moving multiple times and both lost our jobs (which were also awful) and by the time we moved again and finally had time to start our lives together--I had a nervous breakdown and was dealing with anxiety disorder for 7 months. Now by this eighth year and after healing my breakdown, I have finally grown and cured my anxiety which has plagued my life. I am not afraid of intimacy and realize what is important. My husband was there for me the whole way but has built resentment against me. Now, as soon as I am better and confident for the first time ever, my husband says his batteries are empty and he says I am not his true love and he wants to move on and I should do the same. My husband is reaching 40 and says he is reevaluating his life. He says he is sick of me. A few days ago I showed him a photo of us as as we just married and he said the photo opened his heart and he said he loved me. The next day he says that he doesn't feel the same anymore and that was "then." I feel devastated, I understand how important intimacy is for a man and I am hurt because he is convinced in his heart that I never loved him and never will open up to him, he says he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. He has always had bad memories from our wedding day, we married in Vegas and because of my anxiety I was nervous and he is convinced I was never happy because of this "anxiety." I have explained how my breakdown is over and I have grown as a person but he is convinced I never loved him and he just focuses on the bad memories to justify everything. I feel horrible, I wish he knew how much I loved him and I wish he could understand that my difficulties were my own and not because of him. I feel like anxiety has ruined my life. He says he is confident and for the first time relaxed in his life. I feel like our bond is bigger than that though and he is just depressed and emotionally drained? We connect religiously, socially, and are like the same person, everything is there except the intimacy and misunderstandings caused by my anxiety issues. I don't even know what the question is, I guess I just feel awful and want to fix things, yet I understand and am prepared to let him go if he insists. Any advice?????? Edited May 18, 2012 by BonsaiTree add
pink_sugar Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Don't mean to sound rude, but I find it really, really hard to believe you never once had sex in 8 years since you married. Anyways, I'm taking this as a rare scenario, so here goes. I think this is a tough situation for you both. I have an anxiety disorder as well and it's been hard for my H and I to be intimate with all that drama going on, lack of money, lack of jobs etc. It's important that you seek help from a therapist immediately. There are low cost clinics available if you have no insurance or cannot afford a regular therapist. My brother went to one for his anxiety issues. By not getting help, it is detrimental to your marriage and in your case, has gradually destroyed it. But I can understand your H's point of view as well. While it adds insult to injury for your disorder to ruin your marriage, it's hard to stay in a relationship with a lack of any intimacy. 8 years is quite a long time. And I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it might be a sign you really need to sit down and work on yourself to get better, that way you can enjoy intimacy.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Bonsai, the problem is the following. If someone has wanted something very much for a long time and never got it, there comes a point when you no longer want it. I am afraid that this is what your husband feels. The longing has been replaced by resentment. He probably showed himself vulnerable to you and you rejected him. After a while, he has closed himself off of you when it comes to physical intimacy. I fear that it will be difficult to repair your marriage. 4
Bellechica Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Bonsai, I'm sorry for your anxiety disorder and good for you for seeking therapy for so long. As for your H, I just can't imagine anyone going that long without sex. I really don't see how nuns and priests and monks can go without although many can't. Yes, I agree with the other poster, your H must feel a huge amount of resentment. How could he be married and go eight years without sex? 1
LadyGrey Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I think you need to consider that your husband has been having or is on the verge of having an affair. 2
Woggle Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 What kind of man can be married for 8 years and never ever have sex? If I were a woman I don't even know if I would want to be married to such a man. 1
make me believe Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 You were the one with the anxiety so it was your responsibility to get help for it and fix your issues so you could have a healthy, functioning marriage. You did not do that - for EIGHT YEARS - and it destroyed your marriage. How you think you can reasonably expect a man to stay with you for so long with no sex or intimacy is beyond me. I would be shocked if your husband has actually stayed celibate for the past 8 years. Honestly... your husband has wasted years of his life, and it's not surprising to me that he wants to move on now. His self worth has probably been beaten to a pulp by your constant rejection and refusal, and now he wants to find somebody who will help build him up and have a normal relationship with him. I also agree with peppermintpaddy, it seems rather convenient that now that he is finally ready to end this sexless marriage, suddenly you are ready to be intimate. It sounds like too little too late. Sorry.
Silly_Girl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Bonsai, the problem is the following. If someone has wanted something very much for a long time and never got it, there comes a point when you no longer want it. I am afraid that this is what your husband feels. The longing has been replaced by resentment. He probably showed himself vulnerable to you and you rejected him. After a while, he has closed himself off of you when it comes to physical intimacy. I fear that it will be difficult to repair your marriage. I agree with this. Bonsai, you don't mention much about your relationship otherwise. Sexless relationships tend to turn very familial, so you can feel like siblings - or worse, a mother and son vibe. Do (did) you have any chemistry or intimacy away from the bedroom? Is it possible you want a different 'brand' of relationship than he wants? If so then I think it's unlikely that the distance between you can ever be bridged.
Radu Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) I am curious, are you a virgin? Good question. If i was in your husband's shoes, i would be even more resentfull if you were not a virgin. I also agree with peppermintpaddy, kinda convenient ... but ok, i'll bite. So, why did it take you 8yrs ? If i was in your hubby's shoes, i would be beyond resentfull. Resentment still means there are some emotions, i would be ... indifferent to you and i would suspect that you were very selfish. PS: We'll see pretty soon if you are over it or it is just convenient and this thread is just a form of selfishness/fear. Edited May 22, 2012 by Radu
standtall Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 What kind of man can be married for 8 years and never ever have sex? If I were a woman I don't even know if I would want to be married to such a man. According to the OP, it isn't his doing. I would have never married such a woman.
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