bz42 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Hello all, I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), that I just found out I had by researching online. Last night, my girlfriend told me she wants to break up and it is understandable. Now before I realized I had BPD, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but after reading up on it, I know I was the cause. Our relationship has been pretty sour as my BPD is not easy to deal with. I know she loves me an has givin me chances but she always seems to look for something to get me out of the relationship. I need your guys help because I know i need to take control of the BPD and I am looking for a way to get my girlfriend to forgive me for all my BPD behaviors in the past an let me show her the real me which is a very loving and kind person. She is at work right now, I am in the middle of this situation currently and she wants me out. I told her I had BPD.
fucpcg Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Okay first, have a doctor declare you with BPD. Second, if confirmed, review medicine options, and try to let that avenue bring some stability into your life. THEN, you can start looking at fixing a relationship, and talking about what happened, and if being treated why it won't happen (too often) again. First things first, my man.
d'Arthez Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Hello all, I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), that I just found out I had by researching online. Last night, my girlfriend told me she wants to break up and it is understandable. Now before I realized I had BPD, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but after reading up on it, I know I was the cause. Don't self-diagnose. Chances are the diagnosis is completely off. This might be yet another case of medical student syndrome. Get a referral, and see if the diagnosis is actually valid. 4
Author bz42 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 You're right...although what would you suggest for the immediate future as far as saving this relationship before its way late? I just found out about BPD last night and my symptoms match almost perfectly, although probably not the severest case. She wants out, it's understandable but how do I salvage this relationship. She is the most important person to me and I need some help.
d'Arthez Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Really hard to say what you can do about your relationship at the moment. It may be beyond your control. The only thing you can do is treat her well, treat her with respect, and make a big priority of addressing your issues. No happy outcome guaranteed, but it is the best shot for it.
Author bz42 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Ok I won't self-diagnose myself but for now let's just assume I do have a mild case of BPD. I mean my parents got divorced when I was three, and my mother literally abandoned me and just left. It sucks I know, but I'd really hate to see that one event in my early years to break up this relationship. I am a very decent person...I care and love intensely, I can sense someone else's feelings to an exact degree, I am funny, charming, and I just have so much to offer...I don't want one event long time ago to throw off who I really am. I am 22 and need some help from you guys. Thanks for all your help. It means a lot to me!
writergal Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 You're right...although what would you suggest for the immediate future as far as saving this relationship before its way late? I just found out about BPD last night and my symptoms match almost perfectly, although probably not the severest case. She wants out, it's understandable but how do I salvage this relationship. She is the most important person to me and I need some help. I once dated a guy with BPD and he told me about his diagnosis on like, the 3rd date. He grew up in a very unstable family environment; mother left to "find herself" when he and his brother were 10 and 6 years old. So they were raised by a single father who dated a string of really really bad women. So he told me he grew up with a skewed view of women as a result of not having a solid mother role model in his life and an absent father. We dated for a few months before I went to China and the BPD symptoms that I noticed him exhibit during that time: extreme neediness - he didn't like to be alone - so he was either with me, his roommate or out with friends; not moody at all (surprisingly) but really even keel, but fighting a constant feeling of emptiness that no amount of food, sex, work, friendship or spiritual practice (he meditated a lot) could fill. If I hadn't gone to China I'm sure he and I may have continued dating because he was a great guy except for some of his BPD symptoms. Just because someone has a personality disorder doesn't mean they're incapable of having good social relationships. It just depends on the person. Before you diagnose yourself go see a professional. I suggest a cognitive behavioral therapist, a licensed psychologist. Also, maybe it's not you. Maybe it's just as much about your girlfriend contributing to the relationship difficulties, and you don't have a personality disorder.
d'Arthez Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 It might be the relationship itself, or the way you and your gf interact. The two of you may simply be pushing each other in ways to interact unhealthily towards each other. While it may appear to be a case of BPD to an outsider, the actual problem could be the relationship dynamic. If that is the case, relationship counseling would be more effective. People with mild personality disorders can sustain successful and nurturing relationships, and even maintain relatively successful normal careers. 1
Author bz42 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Thanks writergal, and I agree with you 100%...I know I have my own issues that are affecting the relationship but in all honesty nobody is perfect. I do believe we both have are contributing to the problems in this relationship...she is 24 but her mother is really controlling and is also quite a bit like me. <- lol Her mom does not work, so she is always nagging at my gf to hang out with her and stuff and I had brought that up in one point. Nobody's perfect but I believe I have taken the role of the bad guy. Funny because I am actually one of the most caring individuals you will ever meet. I have the ability to put myself in another's shoes and be able to feel what they feel and understand when they do certain things even when MOST people cannot see such a detailed view. There are many good sides to me but I think my BPD-like ways have pushed her away. I really would like to salvage this relationship, and not for my own needs but because we are very compatible under the right circumstances. I do feel I want to live the rest of my life with her. It sucks because she is giving up, and the only thing she wants from me is to leave, but somewhere in her heart I know she wants to be with the "real" me. Thanks for all help.
Author bz42 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 It might be the relationship itself, or the way you and your gf interact. The two of you may simply be pushing each other in ways to interact unhealthily towards each other. While it may appear to be a case of BPD to an outsider, the actual problem could be the relationship dynamic. If that is the case, relationship counseling would be more effective. People with mild personality disorders can sustain successful and nurturing relationships, and even maintain relatively successful normal careers. You may be right, my self-diagnosing of BPD may just be an excuse, although I DO exhibit most symptoms of a person with BPD. I asked her before to go to a relationship counseling session and she thinks she doesn't need to go. She did however at 1 point say that if I paid for it she would go, but we are on a very tight income and realistically cannot afford such counseling. Now...I had wished we went but it almost too late...I have basically the next few days to show her how much I care and will do anything to make it work. That is my main focus, is to save our love. We have both invested a lot into this relationship, the best thing is to have that investment pay off. Thanks for your help.
2sunny Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Leave her alone until you get counseling and stability through medication for at least a year. 1
leoc1973 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I think you would be better off just apologizing telling her you will try to work on things and moving out. I think if I were at the point where I was going to break up with someone and then they go and tell me they have psychological problems on top of that. I think I would really run away. Thats just me though. I went out with a girl for a couple months and found out she was bipolar and has attempted suicide before and I didn't want anything to do with her after that. Not to be cruel but I am being honest. I wouldn't want to not be able to trust my wife with my kids alone. I don't know how extreme BPD gets but mentally unstable is mentally unstable in my book. Good luck man and unless you are positive that you have that I wouldn't play that card.
fucpcg Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Ok I won't self-diagnose myself but for now let's just assume I do have a mild case of BPD. I mean my parents got divorced when I was three, and my mother literally abandoned me and just left. It sucks I know, but I'd really hate to see that one event in my early years to break up this relationship. I am a very decent person...I care and love intensely, I can sense someone else's feelings to an exact degree, I am funny, charming, and I just have so much to offer...I don't want one event long time ago to throw off who I really am. I am 22 and need some help from you guys. Thanks for all your help. It means a lot to me! You are living my life right now. I never cared about the horrible **** I went thru as a kid, until it became a culprit in the splitting up of me and my last girlfriend. I honestly still don't know how much of the breakup was my fault, but **** that I went thru in life, that came out on her, certainly didn't help. She left, she won't talk to me, I've tried all I could to make amends and get her to open up, it didn't happen. This is the one and only girl I proposed to in my life of 42 years, and it's hard for me to accept I lost this girl because of f#@ked up stuff I went thru as a kid, but it just may be. Since then I've worked full time on trying to better myself as a man, it's all I can do.
Els Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Agreed with the 'get a proper diagnosis' bit. With regards to your relationship.. that's really tough, and I'm sorry she showed her true colors. It's up to you to decide what you want to do about that. Society is becoming more 'instant fix' oriented... the message is 'only think about what YOU can get from your partner, and if your partner has any issues that might affect that, leave rightaway and get yourself a new one'. Whatever happened to at least trying to work things out? Quite saddening. Good luck with everything.
Feelin Frisky Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 You're right...although what would you suggest for the immediate future as far as saving this relationship before its way late? I just found out about BPD last night and my symptoms match almost perfectly, although probably not the severest case. She wants out, it's understandable but how do I salvage this relationship. She is the most important person to me and I need some help. Hi. One of the strongest traits of someone with BPD is that they would rather do anything than admit a fault or a flaw. The fact that you are taking responsibility for being the cause of difficulties in your relationship can mean at least two but two things for sure---the second one is that everyone who said you may be wrongly self-diagnosing are correct but first, it may be true that you have done your homework pretty well and have taken the first major step in changing your life for the better. (I said it that way because I wanted to de-emphasize that your self diagnosis might be wrong. It's too critical a step for a person with true BPD to actually accept that something might be amiss in their behavior, much less their brain to casually underestimate it. I only have expertise from being in a relationship with a woman who has it (in the late 1980's) where drugs like Prozac hadn't even come out yet to start the cultural change of people finding that medicine has new answers for pattern-thinking that traditionally caused problem behavior. You of course must be evaluated by a psychiatrist in order to be given any medication to help you achieve a change in your life. You must be very detailed about your patterns of thoughts, feelings, judgements, and choices of actions in dealing with other people when you speak with the doctor and realize that BPD symptoms include most definitely, blaming everyone and anyone for everything that goes wrong and avoiding responsibility at all costs. I tell you that because if you have the syndrome, which can be treated and is not some kind of genetic defect usually, the disease may come at you and try to dissuade you from following through and going the distance to accept that only you can change you. As for medicine, you must also not expect any doctor to have the perfect solution already for you to take. The psychological maladies can not be tested for with a blood test or a "dip stick". The nature of your treatment is one of experimentation in which you journalize your patterns and feelings and report them to your doctor who may add to, take away or change medication entirely based upon what you say. And if this is not complicated enough, you will not even feel the medicine working in the best case scenario--you'll only be able to tell after some weeks or months if you find yourself able to avoid the patterns that cause relationship ills. This means that you may not necessarily get to save this relationship. You can't tell your partner you have self-diagnosed yourself and an answer is a week away and be right. I advise only discussing and admitting this with your partner after you've begun therapy and a diagnosis is made. It is great that you feel that you should work on yourself and perhaps you are wrong about BPD. This doesn't mean that you don't need help or can't be helped by medicine. It may just be that you have some other kind of slight electrochemical inequity in your brain which the doctor will name and treat somewhat differently than BPD. If you come back to this thread and keep it alive with a post now and than about your resolution of this, this will be the first time I will have learned directly from someone and also helped them to learn themselves. My relationship was so destructive to me that I began drinking and a slide through drug abuse that lasted for four years but cost me so much more I'll never know. I just needed that relationship to work out at that time and it could not because of her BPD (which I only learned about years after we had broken up). I would have ecstatic sex with her and want to just live love and I had no idea that she had already ruined another young guy's life--marrying him and driving him to divorce her. Her family only knew she had "issues" and were old fashioned about "complexes" like this that we now know as borderline personality disorder. Best of luck and don't give up. 1
Author bz42 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Knowing I have something relating to BPD, I am going to try to heal myself. Today, I cleaned the entire place, even scrubbed the floors. I bought some tulips, a teddy bear, and some chocolate. She got home and noticed the place was super clean. I then left to get food since I was cleaning all day and haven't ate. About 10 minutes after I left she texted me and said, "I haven't changed my mind". I want her to give me a chance as someone who knows his flaws and will work to better myself on my own. I know we can be very happy with each other. How in words, can I express this? I have a few days to gain a chance from her. She has given me chances before but I did not know I had these post-traumatic stress issues. Now that I know I have something of the sort, I think it will be a lot easier for me to change. My main focus right now is getting my girlfriend to give me that last chance. How can I bargain with her, what must I say? Thanks for all help.
d'Arthez Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 If she is adamant, I'd actually make it clear to her that you are going to address the issues, make the relevant appointments, get the referrals, and start taking control of your life. Since there is a chance that the relationship dynamic has also played a role, you may also want to give her the option of couples' counseling. She might simply feel it is too little too late however. In which case you may be better off taking a break for a few weeks. Not sure if she believes a break is the same thing as a breakup, nor if it is even logistically possible. I really fear that arguing that she should not be leaving the relationship right now will only push her away. Words mean nothing; actions to improve yourself and take ownership of your issues mean much more.
Mack05 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) Hi. One of the strongest traits of someone with BPD is that they would rather do anything than admit a fault or a flaw. . BPD is found in women alot more then men. What feeling Frisky said above is very true. Very few BPDers would ever acknowledge that they have BPD...They would never admit to flaw or failing. The high functioning borderline (lives life normally and people not very close to her would never know there was an issue with her) will even become her own therapist. As you said OP BPDers are not bad people. They are just victims of circumstance. It's the saddest thing I have ever come across but it's not my problem. The fact you think you have BPD means you probably don't. There is something amiss though and good on you having the courage to look inwards and confront it. Over the past year I have done a lot of research on the topic of BPD. To add to Frisky's post above unless you suffered from explosive anger, distort and manipulate conversations and situations, childhood trauma/abuse, fear of abandonment, anxiety issues, poor coping skills, poor communication skills then I would be surprised if you ever get professionally diagnosed with BPD. You should also notice being attracted to two types of people. Codependents and Narcissists. These people are as messed up as she is. I know that for a fact. I was as erractic as my last ex for entirely different reasons. Like you, I am looking in the mirror and resolving. Someone with BPD is higly unlikely to ever do that. Just blame, deny, move on. The anatomy of a borderline. I would go get therapy. A therapist will help you piece it all together. If someone with BPD goes to therapy the therapist will not give them the diagnosis until they are late in the recovery period. The reason being the pysche of the borderline would not be able to cope because they are in such denial. They live in their fantasy land and the last thing you should ever do is force them to look in the mirror (like I badly tried with my last ex). What a therapist will do is give them coping skills, help them control their anger. When the time is right and the therapist feels the borderline can now cope with the news she/he breaks it to them very gently. I see you looking in the mirror and wanting to resolve what is wrong with you. That is a massive step forward. You can only do this on your own, outside the confines of a relationship. Once you put the hard ground work into yourself then you will be reasy to enter happy and healthy relationships...I don't think this girl is for you. What you probably don't realise is telling her you have BPD, is the final nail in the coffin of this relationship. In this case you needed to take a step back, find out what was really wrong with you. Get yourself fixed and try reach out after you did. By self diagnosing yourself to her (probably wrongly) you have planted so many seeds of doubt in her mind (added to the ones there already). You have to leave her go and focus solely on you. I wish you well. Edited May 19, 2012 by Mack05 2
Author bz42 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) I only told her I had BPD so I could justify to her that I wasn't intentionally doing the things I was doing. I want to save this relationship...I am going to start by giving her space...(something I never really gave her). We live together in a small apt. and I have not been sleeping in the bed with her. I could lay next to her and go to sleep, she wouldn't tell me not to...but I guess I am not sleeping in the bed by choice. I'm thinking maybe if I give her some space, she may eventually cool off o the anger she has toward me and be able to look at it with an open mind. I'm also assuming that she will most probably miss me after a little bit of this. She told me I needed to leave by Tuesday, but we are having a tough time paying bills (behind on bills), so I probably will be there longer to help pay for them. Any advice on how to give her space, but not completely ignore the fact that she's still there? I want to give her space but I don't want her to forget about me. Does anybody know if we can get back together but instead of going back to the way things were, I could grow up, be mature, and stable while incorporating space so we can be individualized? Thanks everyone for your insight and help. It really means a lot to me and my girlfriend does too. Edited May 19, 2012 by bz42 Added things
GG3 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 What symptoms do you have that makes you think you have BPD? I've heard never diagnose yourself. We will all diagnose ourselves as psychotic. You have to have someone else diagnose you.
alexandria35 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 agree with FF and Mack, except I think a lot of men have BPD but they are never diagnosed or treated because the men are even less likely to seek help or admit a problem. What makes you think you have it? It's unlikely that a man with BPD would read about it on the internet and casually think "oh that sounds just like me" because as others have already said it is very very difficult for a person with this disorder to see themselves as they really are. People with BPD are more likely to project onto other people so a more likely scenario would be a person with BPD reading about it on the internet and then start accusing everyone else of having BPD. You also mentioned that you have a great capacity for empathy which is an area that people with BPD really struggle with. They can commit acts that are incredibily caring and kind but it doesn't come from a place of true empathy. In some ways BPD is kind of being emotionally stunted. A person with BPD operates on an emotional level as maybe a 5 year old. They can be intellectually brilliant, but emotionally they are stuck in childhood. If one were to look at their behaviors and apply them to a child then the behavior wouldn't seem all that odd. Temper tantrums, I love/hate you, poor impulse control, mood swings, inability to understand consequences, etc. Since we can all be emotionally immature at times a lot of us could probably read the diagnostic criteria for BPD and see a bit of ourselves. The younger you are, the more likely this is. If you do have BPD, you will not be able to just cure yourself. You will need medication and therapy. Right now the best therapy for people with BPD is dialectal behavoiral therapy or DBT and most people get at least 2 years worth of this before they see real improvement. Cleaning the house and buying your gf a teddy bear is not going to fix the damaged relationship. As a matter of fact that's part of the abusive bpd cycle. Hurt the other person by hateful words or cruel acts, then confuse them even more by doing a complete 180 and being Mr/Miss wonderful. The mr. nice guy act cannot be sustained by the BPD person and so begins the horrible emotional rollercoaster. With both the BPD person and their partner going all the way up on an emotional high and then coming all the way down into pain and despair. It's horrible for both people. If you truly have BPD then you must seek professional help and if your gf decides to stay with you then she will need counselling too. 2
KathyM Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Get a proper diagnosis from a mental health professional as a first thing. Whether or not you have BPD, counseling will help you to overcome whatever issues you are experiencing. Understand that counseling may help, but the dysfunctional patterns and thinking that you adopted are going to take time to overcome. Let your girlfriend go if she wants to. Your focus needs to be on healing yourself through counseling before you are ready to have a healthy relationship. The cleaning and gifts were a nice thing to do, but that's kind of like putting a bandage on a gaping wound if your mental health issues are sabatoging your relationship. It's good that you are exercising self awareness and are open to the possibility that something is wrong and that you need counseling, but that is a long way from changing what needs to be changed in your thinking and behavior patterns that is dysfunctional. But it's a start, so take that next step and contact a mental health professional. Until you have overcome the issues that are causing trouble in your relationship, you won't be in condition to keep it going long term. Let her go if she doesn't want to deal with this, or doesn't want to wait for change. If you really do have BPD or some other serious issue, you really can't expect her to wait to see if things improve. Personality disorders are difficult to treat, and take a lot more than popping a pill to get over. They require changing your cognitions and perceptions, and are not merely a chemical imbalance that can be changed with taking a drug. If you are having issues with fear of abandonment, self identity, feelings of emptiness, and that type of thing, that requires long term therapy, and no drug is going to change those cognitions. Medication is often used in conjunction with therapy to control the mood swings, but this is going to take time and commitment to overcome. So my suggestion is, make an appointment for IC to start on the road to improvement. Let your gf go if she is wanting to, and work on yourself so you will be better able to have a healthier relationship in the future. Good luck.
chelsea2011 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Bz42, the good news is, you can overcome BPD (borderline personality disorder) if you seek out the right professional to help you. They are light years ahead in this area from what I've been told. I don't have it myself, but I know people who do. There is also a book that was written by a woman with BPD and it's about how she conquered it and is living an authentic happy BPD free life. I don't know the title though. Hey, look at it this way, at least you aren't a narcissist right? There is no real way to overcome that. Good luck to you.
Author bz42 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Ok, so most of the advice I am getting from people here is about BPD, I get it. What I am focusing on is getting my girlfriend to change her mind (nearly impossible). She has changed her mind a couple times in the past, I told her I would change, blah blah. This time I feel it is more real and final. I haven't given here space and would always want to be with her (i love her so much). I need suggestions on getting her to actually trust me and see me as a man or once. I don't need advice saying, just let her go and stuff...if I was going to do that I wouldn't still be posting on this thread. She told me to just leave, we are way behind on bills currently and she sees that it was all my fault (I agree). She told me not to worry about it and leave, but I would not budge on the fact that I was going to pay them. She then texted me and told me when the bills are paid to leave. We live together in a small apt, and when she tells me to leave she is telling me to move back to my hometown, across the country. I know her mind is made, how do I "not change her mind", but get her to really think about it and second guess her decision. Her decisions to break up come at times when she is angry. The past could breakups were when we were late on a bill, etc. Please help, I cleaned the entire apt spotless to show her that I am putting in effort like I never have before. I bought her tulips, chocolate, teddy bear to show that I love her and always will and that I am sorry for my impulses getting in the way of priorities. I am maturing ever so quickly since the start of this thread. I don't look at life in the coldest of ways anymore and now as an adult. Any advice/suggestions will be appreciated because if she can give me the chance, it won't be wasted guaranteed. Thanks everyone, you guys are like my family right now.
Recommended Posts