c0nfused88 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I'm in my mid 20s and was in a relationship that lasted nearly 5 years. I dated men prior to the relationship, and have dated a few since the breakup. However, I have never met a man that I have felt the same way about before upon meeting. Sure I have had extreme lust for some men, chemistry, etc. However, when I met the LT bf, I was giddy excited-- telling my friends I couldn't see a life without him (very early on). We had many ups and downs. I did what many of you here think is GIGS, I was not happy. I think it might be something more to do with me and emotional instability-- or the need to have a man around. I moved out from him a few months ago saying I needed my space. Honestly, yes it was about seeing others a bit-- but also about showing myself that I am strong enough to be on my own. I knew that I needed to learn this otherwise I would resent him if we moved forward. For the record, I absolutely do not regret the decision to take a break/move out. I know that I needed it and it was what is right for me. However, now I'm wondering if I should try to give it a go with him? Am I just being jaded after looking at the dating market and realizing there really might not be better? Would I be settling? Am I just being selfish looking for that initial spark that always fades in longterm relationships?
6ft180natl Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Well what is it about him that makes you think you might be settling?
Author c0nfused88 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Well what is it about him that makes you think you might be settling? We're very different people. I'm pretty outgoing and extremely ambitious. I have always worked hard for everything in my life and am very independent financially and in many other ways (starting to think not so much emotionally). He has been handed a lot in his life. I am worried we have fundamentally different outlooks. His lack of drive always bothered me. I have had this grand idea that I would be with someone with just as much passion for life as me-- they'd be working hard and toward our future. I felt like I was putting more into a potential future than he was. I am starting to think though that there really is nothing wrong with the way he is or his characteristics. He has a job and makes enough to support himself. Sure he doesn't have a huge circle of friends or may not be ambitious to find a great job (like I know he can)... but perhaps that's not what matters and he just finds his happiness in different areas than I do.
dasein Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 IMO if the difference revolves around base ambition level and income, and those things are important to you, it's probably not a good match. In general the formula for revisiting and ex relationship is whether or not some fundamental change has occured in the outlook of one or both parties that will prevent the relationship from failing again. Absent such fundamental change, better bet to seek new options. Good luck. 1
grkBoy Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I'm in my mid 20s and was in a relationship that lasted nearly 5 years. I dated men prior to the relationship, and have dated a few since the breakup. However, I have never met a man that I have felt the same way about before upon meeting. Sure I have had extreme lust for some men, chemistry, etc. However, when I met the LT bf, I was giddy excited-- telling my friends I couldn't see a life without him (very early on). We had many ups and downs. I did what many of you here think is GIGS, I was not happy. I think it might be something more to do with me and emotional instability-- or the need to have a man around. I moved out from him a few months ago saying I needed my space. Honestly, yes it was about seeing others a bit-- but also about showing myself that I am strong enough to be on my own. I knew that I needed to learn this otherwise I would resent him if we moved forward. For the record, I absolutely do not regret the decision to take a break/move out. I know that I needed it and it was what is right for me. However, now I'm wondering if I should try to give it a go with him? Am I just being jaded after looking at the dating market and realizing there really might not be better? Would I be settling? Am I just being selfish looking for that initial spark that always fades in longterm relationships? You and many other men and women out there need to really realize the difference between actually being trapped versus the illusion of feeling trapped. It sounds like this guy was your first love, and yet you left because you wanted to make sure you "saw it all" and experienced the world. I get that...but if he was the ideal man for you, then you should not have left. Why toss away the ideal mate? NOW...if you had other needs like building a career, exploring the world, etc...I can understand. You do know that you can ask your boyfriend for space and time in that matter...even if you just want to live on your own. In the end, I think that while you loved him, you wanted to experience other guys. I won't vilify you for it, but I will say your feelings of possibly wanting him back are more the "safe easy choice" thinking. I don't think you really truly love him anymore and have moved on, but you hate being single so much that he seems like an easy safe choice. You do know that after you go back, you'll get the GIGS and want to leave again. I think "being trapped" is when you want to be a doctor, but he simply wants you to forget school, stay home, have his kids, and be a housewife. The illusion of feeling trapped is when you keep asking "what if?" on everything, including other men. In the end, you need to experience being alone, and come to grips with it. You need to learn to love yourself as a person when you have no one. When you show up stag to a friend's wedding, or can easily face the "so why aren't you married?" or "why aren't you dating anyone?" questions. From your responses...there might have been love, but I think you two grew apart. Learn to be single and alone, then later find the ideal man who will be the perfect fit. 2
6ft180natl Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I'm in my mid 20s and was in a relationship that lasted nearly 5 years. I dated men prior to the relationship, and have dated a few since the breakup. However, I have never met a man that I have felt the same way about before upon meeting. Sure I have had extreme lust for some men, chemistry, etc. However, when I met the LT bf, I was giddy excited-- telling my friends I couldn't see a life without him (very early on). We had many ups and downs. I did what many of you here think is GIGS, I was not happy. I think it might be something more to do with me and emotional instability-- or the need to have a man around. I moved out from him a few months ago saying I needed my space. Honestly, yes it was about seeing others a bit-- but also about showing myself that I am strong enough to be on my own. I knew that I needed to learn this otherwise I would resent him if we moved forward. For the record, I absolutely do not regret the decision to take a break/move out. I know that I needed it and it was what is right for me. However, now I'm wondering if I should try to give it a go with him? Am I just being jaded after looking at the dating market and realizing there really might not be better? Would I be settling? Am I just being selfish looking for that initial spark that always fades in longterm relationships? Now that I know more about the situation I would say ultimately that is a question you have to answer for yourself because only you know how important having a super high status/ambitious guy is to you & how much would be enough for you. I will say that every positive attribute usually has a negative associated with it as well. So you should think about what positive attributes your ex has that you are willing to give up in order to have that extra ambition & activeness. For instance you may have to live with less quality time & attention or possibly be ok with sharing a man sexually since those qualities are in very high demand.
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