pink_sugar Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 What are your thoughts on dating a man or woman who is only separated or just living apart from one another, but not divorced? My dad was seeing one woman who wasn't legally separated, but living apart from her husband because they were having issues. Another woman he dated was legally divorced with her ex husband still living in her house. Would you date someone who's not even legally separated, but living apart?
persevere Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I won't do it. Too much trouble. I'd always feel I need to watch my back. Plus, the person you are with is going through a lot, emotionally. They may not be stable enough to be involved with around then. 3
nofool4u Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 What are your thoughts on dating a man or woman who is only separated or just living apart from one another, but not divorced? My dad was seeing one woman who wasn't legally separated, but living apart from her husband because they were having issues. Another woman he dated was legally divorced with her ex husband still living in her house. Would you date someone who's not even legally separated, but living apart? If they are only separated, but divorce is not in the works, I wouldn't date her. I'll never understand the whole, separated, but not moving towards divorce thing. To me its a way to avoid divorce and think one has their freedom too. If someone is going through a divorce, I might date them, but I'd be cautious. Also, I'd have to know why they divorced. If she is divorcing for irreconcilable differences, or he cheated, then thats one thing. If she was getting divorced because she had been unfaithful in the marriage, then she isn't worth my time. 1
irc333 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 There's this one attractive woman around my age, talked to her at a couple of parties at a friends house, she comes alone. From talking to her, she seems to have been letting her divorce drag on forever, she's talking about how he's dating a Hooters waitress, but they've "just never gotten around" to divorcing. She had some kind of lazy attitude about it, as if they were in NO rush The wierd thing, they have NO kids, so there's no reason they should NOT have a speedy divorce. He must be keepin him around as a F-buddy or something. When I would try to find out more info as to why they're taking so long, she kind of changes the subject. lol 2
Author pink_sugar Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 There's this one attractive woman around my age, talked to her at a couple of parties at a friends house, she comes alone. From talking to her, she seems to have been letting her divorce drag on forever, she's talking about how he's dating a Hooters waitress, but they've "just never gotten around" to divorcing. She had some kind of lazy attitude about it, as if they were in NO rush The wierd thing, they have NO kids, so there's no reason they should NOT have a speedy divorce. He must be keepin him around as a F-buddy or something. When I would try to find out more info as to why they're taking so long, she kind of changes the subject. lol My husband's friend actually dated a woman like that. She's legally separated and has been for a few years, but she apparently doesn't have divorce in the works "because she cannot afford it". I think it's a lame excuse. If you really want to sever your ties with that person and move on, you will find the means to divorce.
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Never, ever do it... I was having a great conversation with a guy on an OLD and found out he had only been separated for a few months and had just filed for divorce. He was incredibly pissed at me when I declined further contact. I mean *really* pissed; accused me of being narrow minded, etc. Sure enough (I learned), six months later they were working on a reconciliation.
FitChick Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Don't do it! And not because he might reconcile with the wife. Even if he hated his wife and they hadn't had sex in years, no one is ready for a serious relationship so soon. These types are only good for "fun." 1
persevere Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Never, ever do it... I was having a great conversation with a guy on an OLD and found out he had only been separated for a few months and had just filed for divorce. He was incredibly pissed at me when I declined further contact. I mean *really* pissed; accused me of being narrow minded, etc. Sure enough (I learned), six months later they were working on a reconciliation. A perfect example why not to do it. They got back together..yepper..
niceguy2691 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 What are your thoughts on dating a man or woman who is only separated or just living apart from one another, but not divorced? I'm legally separated from my ex and dating a wonderful woman. I'm not fully divorced. We aren't planning to get married in the short term and I'm not sure where things will go. But I know she trusts me and she knows that I'll NEVER get back with my ex. I think it's about trust.
niceguy2691 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 What are your thoughts on dating a man or woman who is only separated or just living apart from one another, but not divorced? My dad was seeing one woman who wasn't legally separated, but living apart from her husband because they were having issues. Another woman he dated was legally divorced with her ex husband still living in her house. Would you date someone who's not even legally separated, but living apart? Don't do it! And not because he might reconcile with the wife. Even if he hated his wife and they hadn't had sex in years, no one is ready for a serious relationship so soon. These types are only good for "fun." Each situation needs to be evaluated on it's own circumstances. Everyone here is talking generalities. Caution is absolutely required, no question. But I've been with my GF for over a year, and she trusts me and knows it's over. I will divorce, but there really isn't a need to rush right now for us.
irc333 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 There was actually a woman I had high interest in for a while, however, she was seperated, apparently the divorce was in the works for a while, something about the delay in the papwork in regards to the business they both previously owned. Since it was one of those "Up in the air" divorces, I decided not to go for it, while some guy who considers a still technically married woman as fair game anyhow, while I did not, so I didn't pursue her. Turns out he wound up marrying her JUST after the divorce was final. I sometimes wondering I felt if I missed out by not dating a seperated woman.
OliveOyl Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Well, obviously it hasn't worked out for a lot of people but it worked out for me. I think it really should be taken on a case-by-case basis. When I met my BF we were both separated (me over a year, him over 2 years) but not divorced. I've since gotten divorced and his papers have been filed and will be final very soon. Sure you can have a "zero-tolerance" policy and if you are young with a lot of options then it probably makes good sense. For me I had a lot of baggage (not so much emotional, just situational -- kids, etc. ) and he did too, so what can I say? We were well matched that way Also I knew that there was no chance at reconciliation for him. YES there has been some additional baggage in dealing his divorce, but I accepted that and am in fact living with my BF now. (Initially I did want to wait until his divorce was final but I settled for papers filed since there is a rather lengthy waiting period in his state.)
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 It's a firm no-go for me. I won't date a guy who's separated and not yet divorced. And after reading some stories here, I would most likely avoid dating a guy who'd been divorced for less than 2 or 3 years. 1
make me believe Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Not divorced = still married. I don't care how long they've been "separated" or what the hold up is. Until you are officially divorced, you shouldn't be getting into another serious relationship. If there is someone in the wings who you want to date, then that should just be more incentive to get your divorce finalized. And I agree with Ruby, I'd be wary of dating anyone who had been divorced for less than ~2 years. 4
Ross MwcFan Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I can't see how there is anything wrong with it if they're seperated. The only people I can see having a problem with it are religious types. 1
Author pink_sugar Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Exactly. My dad has no issue dating this woman who isn't even legally separated, but living apart from her husband. He says that's legal separation to him. Needless to say, her family was adamant about her staying with her husband for cultural reasons and because of her 2 yr old son. She's even said she might go back to her husband and basically admitted to my dad that she just wanted fwb and someone to listen to her because her husband doesn't.
oldschool1 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Honestly speaking... I do think that recently separated OR recently divorced men are not usually not in a position to date seriously (even if they say they are). While I do know exceptions---even men who married their mistresses–––men are usually too angry/depressed/needing a change of pace to consider such things. Timing is generally crucial to men, and most men have a lot of financial/emotional fallout to deal with after a divorce. These things make them feel somewhat less manly and out of control. Women, however, often operate differently. They may not be as tempted to "sow their wild oats" and go crazy after a divorce, but that CAN happen too. While I was not thinking marriage or serious relationships after my divorce, I WAS able to get seriously involved fairly quickly. It also has to do with the nature of the divorce. If a marriage experiences a gradual and mutual downturn, then the divorcées could probably move on quickly. On the other hand, a destructive, brutal, adulterous relationship might take longer to process. I assume that children only complicate the situation.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 In principle I don't want to date someone who is not officially divorced. The problem is however, as Olive says, is that when you are older there are not a lot of men who wait before their divorce is final before they start to date. As a matter of fact, these are often men who are good catches = men who like to be in a relationship, who can commit. Often better catches than guys who have been on their own for a long time. So I have changed my attitude a bit and agree now to meet guys who are not yet divorced. However, if there would be mutual attraction, I would make it clear that there will not be a relationship before the divorce is final. In my country this normally does not take too long. If they can't wait for me, they are not worth it.
OliveOyl Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 So, let's say someone's marriage fails because of lack of emotional and/or physical affection and support. And it was that way for several years in the marriage. According to you all, not only should someone wait 1-2 years until the divorce is final, they should wait 1-2 years POST the divorce to start dating. Because they are in "no position" to start dating regardless of how starved for emotional/romantic/physical support which was already missing while married. All I can say is, I'm glad this is a free country. 2
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Olive, you have a point because it normally takes people quite some time before they decide to divorce. The relationship has normally been bad for quite a while before the decision is taken to stop the marriage. I sometimes say that marriage is a habit, and even if it is a bad habit, it still remains hard to break a habit.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 So, let's say someone's marriage fails because of lack of emotional and/or physical affection and support. And it was that way for several years in the marriage. According to you all, not only should someone wait 1-2 years until the divorce is final, they should wait 1-2 years POST the divorce to start dating. Because they are in "no position" to start dating regardless of how starved for emotional/romantic/physical support which was already missing while married. All I can say is, I'm glad this is a free country. I didn't say anyone should wait for anything. I just said that I personally am not interested in dating anyone who's married, separated, or recently divorced and still going through the natural grieving and recovery process. Obviously, some people have no problem with doing so, and if it works for them, that's great. For me, at a basic instinctual level, if a man tells me he's separated and the paperwork hasn't gone through, I'm completely turned off and he loses all appeal for me. Because officially and legally, he is still bound to another woman. 1
g450 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I won't do it. Too much trouble. I'd always feel I need to watch my back. Plus, the person you are with is going through a lot, emotionally. They may not be stable enough to be involved with around then. I actually went through this with my Fiancee when we first started dating each other. In her case she was separated for four years and her H was living with an OW. Thing is she didnt divorce him until I pressed her to do it and I even paid for the divorce two years later. It was my way of telling her to $hit or get off the pott. The reason she didnt divorce him was that she wasnt over him. But she lied to me about it. Many red flags early on and we even broke up because of this. We did stick it out and he is now history (per her) and AFAIK he no longer contacts her. Its a small miracle we are actually getting married now. But looking back I can tell you with no hesitation that I will NEVER date a woman in a situation like that ever again. Too much drama, head games and hurt. And there was the added issue with her being a single mother. It got to the point where I was sick of constantly having to look over my shoulder. That is no way to live or love. In my case I stuck it out and was the good guy and it paid off. But the general consesus is it most often ends badly and there is a good chance you will get hurt.
carhill Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 What are your thoughts on dating a man or woman who is only separated or just living apart from one another, but not divorced?I've lived some of this and my answer would be 'it depends'. My dad was seeing one woman who wasn't legally separated, but living apart from her husband because they were having issues. What was her filing status? Sometimes divorces take a long time. Ours took 18 months. My exW had already moved in a BF before we were divorced, as an example. Another woman he dated was legally divorced with her ex husband still living in her house. That sounds problematical, IMO. Would you date someone who's not even legally separated, but living apart? If she had her own home, as my exW did/does, and clearly demonstrated in action and word that the M was over, again as my exW did, I'd have no issues. I did date a bit while separated with no adverse effects, as I had moved on too, a good ten months before the ink was dry on the court seal. Like I said, it depends....
g450 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) her to $ I won't do it. Too much trouble. I'd always feel I need to watch my back. Plus, the person you are with is going through a lot, emotionally. They may not be stable enough to be involved with around then. I messed up my last post and now cant edit it so I made a correction to it as follows: I actually went through this with my Fiancee when we first started dating each other. In her case she was separated for four years and her H was living with an OW. Thing is she didnt divorce him until I pressed her to do it and I even paid for the divorce two years later. It was my way of telling hit or get off the pott. The reason she didnt divorce him was that she wasnt over him. But she lied to me about it. Many red flags early on and we even broke up because of this. We did stick it out and he is now history (per her) and AFAIK he no longer contacts her. Its a small miracle we are actually getting married now. But looking back I can tell you with no hesitation that I will NEVER date a woman in a situation like that ever again. Too much drama, head games and hurt. And there was the added issue with her being a single mother. It got to the point where I was sick of constantly having to look over my shoulder. That is no way to live or love. In my case I stuck it out and was the good guy and it paid off. But the general consesus is it most often ends badly and there is a good chance you will get hurt. In IRC's case I see a hugh red flag. No kids so something is going on behind with them. Had the same thing happen to me. My gut feeling was right as I found out later. My GF was separated for years and kept assuring me nothing was going on (there actually still was). Her main excuse was that she did not have the money to divorce him. Total BS because first time she tried to do it she got free legal aid. But she dragged her heels on purpose because she had no real desire to divorce him. So legal aid canceled on her due to her lack of participation and interest in getting it done. I dont blame them one bit. GF basically did it only to put on a show for me because I pressed her to do it. Six months went by and nothing was happening and when I asked her about it she would get pissed and said I was stressing her out. In TX it only takes two months to get divorced. Ask me how I know. I called her bluff and paid for the divorce. But this was AFTER our breakup and her going back to her idiot H. She knew I was a good catch and that she blew it by trying to have him on the side and came back to me. When she came back to me I told her she WILL get a divorce and I would pay for it. You should have seen the look on her face. Looking back, Its amazing how much BS one will put up with when you are in love with somebody. Edited May 20, 2012 by g450
daphne Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Looking back, Its amazing how much BS one will put up with when you are in love with somebody. Good lord. I don't love anyone that much. It's too bad that someone who had their act together didn't snap you up first to spare you teh drama and lies. Sounds like you deserved it. 1
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