HELP I FALLING FOR MY BOYFRIENDS FRIEND...and i am living with my boyfriend

[Confused77]

OK, I have a big problem. I am 26 years old, and I am living with a drunk. We have been together 5 years, the whole time with empty promises that he will change. I have been thinking about leaving him. Here is the problem i am faced with now. I have known TY's (my bf) good friend Rj for about 1 year now. He is not a physically attractive and he has very low self esteem. I ended up running into him last weekend at the club, my boyfriend always has him check up on me.We started out by talking, and I said that I wanted to hook him up with a good girl, which I have been wanting to do for a while because he is such a sweetheart.

We ended up clubbing together, kissing, and holding each other all night. It was like we were a couple. It felt so good, and we were able to talk for hours. He said he was sorry, and that we should cool things down before he hurts his friend, and I get in BIG trouble. That night, TY,RJ and me went out to shoot darts. The whole time the 3 of us were there, he kept flirting with me behind my bf back. My bf ended up leaving because he was drunk. RJ and I talked until 6:00 am. We had both agreed that we have to stop before we bacame emotionally involved. He kept asking me if I was becoming emotionally invoilved.

I was swept off my feet.

I spoke with him again, he said he had a great time, and he did not want it to end, but TY would kick both of our butts if he knew, so he said you need to do what feels right in your heart. If I am not happy, leave. If you think you can work it out, stay. he did say that if I left him, to give myself a few weeks without any contact, to call him and we would talk about what next.He does not want to be the rebound. He also said that he will always be there to listen to me, and to help me, and after I am gone, to carry on the physical attraction. I am wondering if he really feels like this is just physical, or is he thinking more.

 

WE DID NOT HAVE SEX at all, just affection AND A LITTLE BIT OF TOUCHING, BUT NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY.. HE SAID WE SHOULD BOTH FEEL GUILTY, BUT NEITHER ONE OF US DO. We both needed to be held, and attention, we do not get that. He has been divorced, and alone for 1 1/2 years. Should I persue him? I want to leave my bf because of the drinking, but should I do it now, and try to build something with the man of my dreams???????

HELP

Confused77

[Moose]

I say go for it!!! The reason is, I met my wife in my 3rd year at college. She was my roomates ex-girlfriend and he was trying to get back with her. My roomate was a drunk, ( Was because he was killed running into a pole while driving drunk ), and all he really wanted to do was have sex with her.

 

I walked in on them while they were playing cards in the living room. That's the first time I ever laid eyes on her and that's all it took!!! I could tell by the way she was looking and acting towards me that she liked me too. Well, it wound up that Kelly, my roomate, drank so much he fell asleep while we were playing cards. He cannot stay awake when he's been drinking. So I carried him off to bed and Carole and I played cards all night.

 

When we got tired of cards we got to talkin', kissin', you know how one thing leads to another. She was very religous and I'm no the type of guy who tries to get laid on every date, but, Kelly woke up and caught us. He was upset and it's not like the situation you're in either. BUT, a few years down the road, Carole and I got married and he said it was probably best the I got the girl this time.

 

If your bf isn't going to do something about his drinking, at least get it under control, then I say don't waste your time on him. It's not like you're bound by marriage or anything. But what are your true feelings about Rj? You said yourself, he's not really a hunk, do you think you'll miss being with good looking men, can you stay faithfull to him?

 

It sounds to me that he's got a good head on his shoulders, so take his advice, seperate and no contact with either one until Ty is over you.......

 

Good Luck

[Confused77]

I have never cheated, not alone with my bf's friend. How do I tell if he is also interested in getting to know me better? That is what I am trying to determine??????I would like to really get to know him. At first I did not think he was good looking at all, but I got to know him, and now to me he is incredibelly hot, in his own way.I guess it is his personality, and the fact that he listens to me, and gives good advice, and he is a very touchy cuddly type of person that I crave, and he said he needed the same. He said he did not want to be a rebound, but he also said that we were not compatabile. We have never fought, and we have always had a great time. Iam thinking that he is trying to convince himself that it is not a good idea, in case I went back to TY. He said after time went by, and after we started back up the physical attraction thing, that we could share our secret at a later time. If this was just physical, then why did we not have sex?

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

Go for it! I was with a DRUNK too and fell for his best friend! He professed his love for me without every kissing me or touching or anything but I felt obligated to my drunk bf so I declined and too this day I regret it.

DON'T tell your drunk bf you're leaving him for his friend just explain you can no longer be with him since he can't stop drinking and GO FOR IT GIRL!

[Confused77]

Just an update. Last night my bf was hammered, and he kicked me out. He came after me, and his friends one of them being RJ had to hold him back. RJ put me up in a hotel room, and stayed all night with me. He told me I have to continue to be strong, and I will find happiness. He said that he is very confused because it is forbidden, then WE DID IT!!!!! It was the most romantic experience of my life. He held me so close, and then he rubbed my back all night, and before it happened he said just this one time right, I said right. Then when he was leaving he said I would like to see you again. Give me a call, and let me know how things are going later today. He thanked me over and over for complimenting him, and for making him feel good about himself. He said that he should feel guilty, but he does not. He is happy. Hopefully this is the beginning of something special, but he did say again we cannot do the emotional thing that would be wrong.....right. I said, lets just see what happens. He was so romantic. I think I am falling in love.

[Moose]

Confused, Confused,

 

You didn't listen huh? I don't think the fact that, "You did it", is a good thing. You may have complicated things a lot more. I'm happy that you got away from the drunk, but jumping into bed with Rj, ( You aren't married, you shouldn't be in bed with anyone at all ), wasn't the thing to do.

 

If I were to shorten your post it would sound like this: " This chick got into a fight with her boyfriend, he told her to leave and she goes with his best friend to a hotel and they get it on, then, his best friend thanks her and says maybe I'll see ya later,"

 

I really don't mean to sound so shallow, but listen to it, you should've got out on your own, thought about what you're going to do with your life, let the guy get over you, you over him, and then carried on. You may have made a big mistake.

 

I'm sorry for sounding so cruel, but sometimes real love is tough love......I'll be here for ya....

[Grinning Maniac]

I wish she WOULD have listened, Moose.

 

Confused, this is going to end badly. Not that it wouldn't be an uncomfortable situation with you banging his friend* anyway, but this is worse. You really should have waited and made sure that your feelings were in the right place.

 

For all you know, you could just be latching on to this guy because you're sick of your boyfriend's **** and have some emotional needs that aren't being met. The fact that you stayed with your bf for so long when he obviously had problems is not a good sign in my opinion. This seems like the classic case of the girl long-term dating the "bad guy", then getting with a "good guy". Everytime I hear a version of that story, it always ends the same. The girl gets bored with him and ends up cheating on him with another a-hole.

 

Again, Moose is right on the money. The LOGICAL thing to do would have been to break things off with your bf(which should have been done regardless of his friend being into you), and be away from both of them for a while to allow things to cool down. Now most likely, you're going to dump your bf for this guy, his drunk crazy ass will be constantly starting trouble/violence, and if you follow the oh-so-familar pattern, you'll cheat on the new guy too after the novelty of his niceness wears off.

 

I can never understand why women just can't cool the hell off. If a guy is honestly into you, he's NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Take the time to end things right instead creating a bunch of chaos.

 

*= How close of a friend is he to your bf? It doesn't really matter much, but I'm just curious.

[Confused77]

This is really weird. There is more to his and mine's relationship. We both have agreed that that was a bad decision to sleep together. We were just appeasing teh lonileness we were both feeling, and it will lead to heartbreak. We have been seeing each other on a daily basis, and it has not happened again, although we still kiss. It is nice. We talk on the phone for hours and hours. We went to dinner, the movies, and he stayed at my new place this weekend(nothing sexual). We talked for hours. We actaully went to a bar, and neither of us drank, and we had a great time!!!!(he is not a big drinker). He makes me feel very comfortable. He is very supportive, and he has given me hope. We are taking things slow so we do not just jump in and get hurt. I am not ready to be serious because it is to soon. I do not want to hurt him. He told me to take my time, and he will always be here for me no matter what. We are going to be more public about the fact that we are getting to know each other better, because hiding is putting a strain on our friendship. If this developes in to a relationship that is serious, other people are going to perseve things differently. Baby Steps will soften the blow to those around us....besides like he says.......if these people are our true friends they will be supportive in anything that we do. UPDATE ON THE EX>>>>>>HE HAS BEEN BEGGING AND BEGGING ME TO COME BACK. LIKE I SAID TO HIM...CRY WOLF A FEW TO MANY TIMES YOU ARE NOT TRUSTED AND I AM MOVING ON.I am very proud because I used to run back everytime. I want a better life than what he has provided me.

[Grinning Maniac]

Well, it seems you have a brain after all. I apologize.

 

You started things the wrong way, but at least it seems you are proceeding from this point in a logical manner. It's a good idea to take things slow. Get all your ducks in a row first, ya know?

[Confused77]

Sorry I have not written in a while, been quite busy with my new life. He and my x are very good friends, they met when they were in trade school (5 years ago). they used to be travel buddies. At the present time, he and my EX are still friends, and my new man and I are slowing things down. He said that he see's signs of codependency. He wants me to take some time to explore why I cannot open up, and the pain that I feel. He did say that he loves me, that is why he is doing this. He said he does want to be with me, but he wants me to be at peace and whole and complete, so that way neither one of us gets hurt. He said he will wait for me, and he will be the light at the end of the dark tunnel if that is what I want, but he is afraid that the stress we are going through with our secrect will tear us apart. He wants to be sure that he is not a rebound. I believe that he will be here for me. We still talk on the phone, and he has given me places to go, and supports for emotionally abused people. I believe he is sincere, but I also feel that he is scared of the consiquences that he will have to face with his friendships. He did say that he wants to explore a future with me, but I have to be complete so that way I can give to the emotional aspect of the relationship. He wants me to open up, and say what I want, not what he wants to hear. He is still talking about the future.What do you think?????

[Grinning Maniac]

I think he's a very smart guy. Taking some time and taking things slow is definately a good idea. You may think you're falling in love with him(and if you turn out to really be, more power to you) after your last ****ty relationship, but you never know.

 

If I were in his position, I'd be going the "better safe than sorry" route too.

[Confused77]

Anyways......since 2004 I went back with Ty and RJ was out of the picture. I bought a house and we are living seperate. He got a new job and him and RJ run into each other on occasion. TY found out that RJ and I shot darts together. HE STILL DOES NOT NOW WE SLEPT TOGETHER. He has his suspisions, but we both deny it. I think that RJ and I moved to fast and he told Ty that I wanted a relationship with him and he did not want anything to do with it. I told Ty that RJ wanted that and I did not. I had a melt down and went back to Ty. RJ has never given me a reason to why he threw me under the bus. We had not spoken until about a month ago. I ran into him while I went out with a mutual friend of mine and Ty's. Everyone ended up getting drunk and leaving, and he came to my house, and we had sex. We both talked for a while after that and both said there was nothing wrong with being sex buddies with no strings attached. NO ONE TO KNOW ABOUT IT AT ALL.......WE BOTH HAVE TO MUCH TO LOOSE because he ruined his close friendship with Ty and I would be in BIG TROUBLE if Ty ever found out. We ran into each other after that, and he invited me over to his house after we left we had sex again. Then last week we ran into each other agin, and he asked me to come over not to have sex, just to cuddle and talk. I did, and we both fell asleep holding each other. I am MORE confused. If we are just sex buddies then why is he having me come over and not having sex with me????? Your opinion please??????

[MoonGirl]

Confused,

 

You have gotten yourself in a big mess. Anytime you have more than 1 lover, of course you're going to be confused! It is never just sex unless maybe it's a one night stand. You have a history with this guy. This guy OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUSLY wants to be more than friends with you, but you have only shown him that you are completely unstable and unable to stand on your own and then commit to HIM. So, he simply takes what he can get from you.

 

Why would you stay with a guy (Ty) that you're so willing to cheat on? It just makes no sense. Of course you would be in BIG trouble if Ty finds out! HE is your boyfriend and you are cheating on him. Do you know how much that will hurt him?

 

If you don't love your boyfriend enough to not cheat on him, then leave him FOR GOOD.

 

If you're worried about being alone, which you obviously are because you keep flitting back and forth between men, then you should learn to have some respect and love for yourself and get your crap together for YOU. What you are doing is creating a toxic environment for yourself in which neither of the men in your life have any respect left for you. They may care about you, but probably know that you are not reliable, not strong, not honest, etc.

 

My opinion? Stick with one man and stop playing with people. It hurts you and them.

[puddleofmud]

Have you considered getting your own place and taking some time for yourself without MEN involved? Your guy may be a "drunk" but there seems to be a lot of "party behaviors" influencing your life-style.

You sound like a smart girl who is capable of having her own home and "owning" her own life.

Be cautious, alcohol and jealousy do not mix well...

[whichwayisup]

After 3 years, the drama seems to still be going on. Maybe you need to be alone for a while and figure out what you want out of life, relationships etc.

[Grinning Maniac]

Wow...posts from three years ago...that I don't even remember...and I was still right about your crazy ass.

 

This is like "one step forward, and two blocks back". It seemed like you had started to work all of this out sans-chaos...then boom, friggin' Hiroshima. What are you doing, babydoll? Three years of this? Three years??? Make a decision already, ffs.

 

MoonGirl gave you some good advice up above. I seriously hope you listen to it. Just surprise me. Please. Don't be like every other dumbass that floats through here, and wait until you hit rock bottom before you wise up to how pointless and emotionally destructive this will get. You're already pretty close to that actually, from the looks of things.

 

(grumble) Three bloody years.

[GreenEyedLady]

Why do you want to stay with your BF? It doesn't seem like you are that into him...

[Confused77]

I am stupid and I have been allowing myself t be used. There has not been a day in 3 years that I have not thought about RJ. Ty and I have drifted apart alot lately. In the past I used to chase him, and want to spend every waking minute with Ty. Now I go days without seeing him because it is less stress. I am living on my own, and have been since June of 2004. We both own our own homes, and obvoiusly know it is not going to work, or I would not have boughten my house, I would have moved back in with him. I am seeing myself pull away from the relationship with Ty. I am still in love with RJ. He is where my heart is really at. I would do anything to be with him. There is nothing that I do not like about him......he is perfect, and we are so compatable. I am unsure of what he wants, but he just seems to be fine with the sex....... so like an idiot I am being used maybe....... it is just weird, he has no intentions of me soming over to have sex, he just likes to talk and curl up. I initiate the sex, and of course like any man, he accepts it. He has told me before no feelings, just friends and sex buddies. I spent the night at his house again Friday, and he just listened to me bitch about Ty and how stupid I am, and how I angry I am that he blew me off again to be with friends. What now.....do I continue this "friendship" with someone I am in love with or do I back off of it? he situation between him and Ty is alot different now than what it was, and everyone of Ty's old friends are no longer as close since Ty has new friends from his new job. What do you think????????

[MoonGirl]

Confused,

 

I already told you what I think above. The man you love will NEVER respect you if you continue what you're doing. Of course he'll accept sex from you! But when you're obviously not emotionally stable and have left him before, so how could you possibly expect him to make a commitment to you? If you want this guy more permanently, you have to PROVE to him that you're emotionally stable and loyal. This will take a long time.

[GreenEyedLady]

What should you do? Breakup with Ty and start working on you...forget RJ for awhile...he really isn't so perfect...decide what you want for yourself and go for it...

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you need to be on your own for a while so you can find out what you want.

If you're unhappy with how your life is, change it.

[Confused77]

Maybe you are right. I find myself pulling away from Ty and not wanting him to come around anymore. It is more of a drag than it is worth. I am pulling away subconsciously. I was even before RJ was in the picture. I am very independent of him now, and that is the way I like to be. I see him on occasion. The sad thing is that it will kill me to see him with someone else......and I am in love any probaly will never have a chance. We agreed that all it would be is sex.....even though it does not seem like it because we talk also... Thinking about it I am stupid also because I talk to him about mine and Ty's problems.....only because he is a great listener....... Do you think we will ever have a chance????? I truely love him and if he said like he did in 2004 BREAK ALL COMMUNICATION......I would break all communication with TY because I am NOT co-dependent anymore.......

just fell in love with the wrong person

[Salicious Crumb]

I have never cheated, not alone with my bf's friend.

 

If you were holding hands, petting and kissing this other guy...then yes..you DID cheat.

[jewels77]

We are in the same boat. I am in a similiar situation. I am going to give you a word of advise.....GO FOR IT. Friends are friends....and he could not have been that good of friends with your boyfriend if he slept with you that night.