bolase Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Hi, I have been at my new wonderful job for 3 weeks. I have a boyfriend in my home city, we have been together 3 months before I left to take this up. I have become friends with one of the guys I work nearby to, we went surfing together last weekend and had a great time. I didn't think anything of it as we're in a friendly community and such. He's also 15yrs or so older than me (Im mid twenties). This morning he texted me before work asking if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight. I kind of panicked (knowing I would see him within the hour) wondering if the meant a date, and simply replied that I couldn't. And then something random.. At work it was normal..we talk but we don't flirt. My question is, will this be enough or should I text to clarify "Hey, to clarify, I have a boyfriend in X (city), in case you meant it romantically. If not, all good. Surfing was fun!" I don't want to be all "I have a boyfriend, leave me alone"..as he's kind and anyhow he may have just been being friendly as I'm new to town. What do you think? Should I clarify, as I'm afraid he might text again to reschedule.
d'Arthez Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Just tell him casually that you have a boyfriend, and are in a committed relationship. This works even better if you can do it with a few other co-workers around (both as evidence as well as making certain others can keep an eye out for any behavior that would be crossing the line). He should clue up then, and know that you are not interested in anything. 1
Dusk1983 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Did anyone else go surfing with you two? No? Then as far as this guy is concerned (and probably your boyfriend too!) you've already been on a date. 5
Frank13 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 A 40 year old asking a mid 20 year old to go to dinner with him. He is interested in you romantically and it's a date. Don't lead the guy on. Next time you are around him, just mention something about your boyfriend, like he is coming to see you or how much he means to you. That way your work friend gets the hint and saves face.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I'm surprised you didn't mention your boyfriend when you went surfing. And I'm surprised that you didn't mention your boyfriend when saying no to the dinner invite. This is very simple. Tell him: "I have a boyfriend." Then each of you can decide whether you want to be friends only. 3
FitChick Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend. Even if I didn't, I would never date someone I worked with." 2
mtber75 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Hi, I have been at my new wonderful job for 3 weeks. I have a boyfriend in my home city, we have been together 3 months before I left to take this up. I have become friends with one of the guys I work nearby to, we went surfing together last weekend and had a great time. I didn't think anything of it as we're in a friendly community and such. He's also 15yrs or so older than me (Im mid twenties). This morning he texted me before work asking if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight. I kind of panicked (knowing I would see him within the hour) wondering if the meant a date, and simply replied that I couldn't. And then something random.. At work it was normal..we talk but we don't flirt. My question is, will this be enough or should I text to clarify "Hey, to clarify, I have a boyfriend in X (city), in case you meant it romantically. If not, all good. Surfing was fun!" I don't want to be all "I have a boyfriend, leave me alone"..as he's kind and anyhow he may have just been being friendly as I'm new to town. What do you think? Should I clarify, as I'm afraid he might text again to reschedule. This is a classic woman leading a man on! Yes you should definitely say that you have a bf. Like the previous commenter said, why didn't you mention this earlier...Unless you are having second thoughts about your bf? If this is the case, its within your co worker's right to ask you out (having dinner is a DATE date, as my friend say).
dasein Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Agree with others. Just get it out there and add the "work nono" too if you want. I also wonder why this hasn't come up yet, but nbd really.
Author bolase Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Thanks,I kind of wondered why it hadn't come up yet too but I don't talk about my boyfriend a lot just for the sake of it.. Surfing with someone doing your own thing isn't a date, its practicality! I told him by text, and his response was "is your boy in X (home city) a bit dumb, you're too amazing to have not moved to be with) so guess thats my answer.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I told him by text, and his response was "is your boy in X (home city) a bit dumb, you're too amazing to have not moved to be with) so guess thats my answer. Yeah, he wants you. LDRs are hard. I've been in a couple, and it seems that when my guy is far away for a long stretch of time, suddenly, every sexy man in the universe wants to get with me.
Feelin Frisky Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend. Even if I didn't, I would never date someone I worked with." Ha. Only surf in my hot ass wet suit (or less) but not have dinner. No freaking way.
Author bolase Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Yeah, he wants you. LDRs are hard. I've been in a couple, and it seems that when my guy is far away for a long stretch of time, suddenly, every sexy man in the universe wants to get with me. Yes!! While I don't need to defend my boyfriend, is there an appropriate comeback for this guy saying that bf is dumb not to move here with me?
Author bolase Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 Ha. Only surf in my hot ass wet suit (or less) but not have dinner. No freaking way. Lol Frisky. In this part of the world, it's snowing, not quite your california surf fantasy! It's gnarly and you're definitely not doing it to show off skin, or have long meaningful walks on the beach.
TheFinalWord Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Yes!! While I don't need to defend my boyfriend, is there an appropriate comeback for this guy saying that bf is dumb not to move here with me? "He takes real good care of me don't worry!" Or something. I wouldn't even respond though. He used humor/one last attempt to downplay it. You don't have to respond.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Yes!! While I don't need to defend my boyfriend, is there an appropriate comeback for this guy saying that bf is dumb not to move here with me? If it were me, I'd just ignore the text. This guy is flirting with you, and if you keep texting him, he's just gonna keep that up. I'd want to respect the relationship and cut it off before it gets going. Given that you have a boyfriend, it's not going anywhere good. 1
goldengirl11 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 If someone asked if you were married say and you said you were single, that doesn't necessarily mean you don't have a boyfriend does it? I've been getting some rather unwanted attention from an older male fellow student and am not sure if he is just being friendly or wants more. I am in my early thirties yet he is coming up to his late fifties but looks (and sometimes acts) younger. He also tells me of his problems with his ex who he still lives at home with, but will move out when he manages to find a job. He regularly offers me lifts, tries to spend teabreaks with me, gave me his no last time I saw him (I gave him mine back when he asked for it incase it seemed rude not to) incase we needed advice. He then rang me yesterday saying that he was passing through my town and if I fancied meeting up. I told him that I wasn't around then though. I was planning to say next time he no doubt offers me a lift that my boyfriend is picking me up but thanks anyway?!
d'Arthez Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 If someone asked if you were married say and you said you were single, that doesn't necessarily mean you don't have a boyfriend does it? I've been getting some rather unwanted attention from an older male fellow student and am not sure if he is just being friendly or wants more. I am in my early thirties yet he is coming up to his late fifties but looks (and sometimes acts) younger. He also tells me of his problems with his ex who he still lives at home with, but will move out when he manages to find a job. He regularly offers me lifts, tries to spend teabreaks with me, gave me his no last time I saw him (I gave him mine back when he asked for it incase it seemed rude not to) incase we needed advice. He then rang me yesterday saying that he was passing through my town and if I fancied meeting up. I told him that I wasn't around then though. I was planning to say next time he no doubt offers me a lift that my boyfriend is picking me up but thanks anyway?! He may like the company you offer, and he may be looking for an affair. I'd say steer clear from this one - mention you have a boyfriend as soon as possible.
goldengirl11 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) He may like the company you offer' date=' and he may be looking for an affair. I'd say steer clear from this one - mention you have a boyfriend as soon as possible.[/quote'] Thanks. Yes will do. Even though I don't have one at present! Edited May 19, 2012 by goldengirl11
goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) He may like the company you offer' date=' and he may be looking for an affair. I'd say steer clear from this one - mention you have a boyfriend as soon as possible.[/quote'] Just an update... He texted me a slightly strange message I thought yest when he said that he would like to pre-book an appointment with me at my local coffee shop today and if I don't reply or turn up that he'll be very very sad. I then had to top up my phone again to reply and said that I am sorry that I wasn't able to meet you last time as was out shopping then and was also in a bit of a rush as had planned to meet my boyfriend later that day. See you Tues? He then thanked me for my reply and said he'd be happy to see me as and when either today or tomorrow at college. I didn't respond to that text though. Perhaps I will confirm that I will see him tomorrow though. Don't know why it needs to be outside college? Edited May 21, 2012 by goldengirl11
kaylan Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Golden and OP both need to be assertive with these disrespectful fools who try to put moves on you even though they know you have partners. I find people who are like that are worth none of my time nor respect. I understand rejecting someone can be awkward and difficult...i have the same problem. But when Im dating someone, its the easiest thing in the world because my reasoning is the most valid and sound thing out there. And I have no reason to feel bad about rejecting someone when its because Im honoring my committment to my girl. Feel me? Id assertively say to a girl "look youre sweet and think we really get along well as friends...but I have a girlfriend Im happy with and really care about, so we cant be anything more then friends. ok?" And if they keep up with the flirting and keep asking me to do one-on-onee hangouts, then Ill cut them off and wont be shy about why. I wont disrespect my girlfriend.
goldengirl11 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Just to say I had a text from the college guy earlier apologising for having jumped into an awkward situation without knowing all the facts (which I assume means having a bf) and looks forward to seeing me tomorrow at college. Seems like he was interested then maybe.
Author bolase Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 goldengirl, you totally threadjacked me. ... Thanks Kaylan. He actually didn't know that i had a boyfriend until I told him.
LittlePrince Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hi, I have been at my new wonderful job for 3 weeks. I have a boyfriend in my home city, we have been together 3 months before I left to take this up. I have become friends with one of the guys I work nearby to, we went surfing together last weekend and had a great time. I didn't think anything of it as we're in a friendly community and such. He's also 15yrs or so older than me (Im mid twenties). This morning he texted me before work asking if I wanted to go out for dinner tonight. I kind of panicked (knowing I would see him within the hour) wondering if the meant a date, and simply replied that I couldn't. And then something random.. At work it was normal..we talk but we don't flirt. My question is, will this be enough or should I text to clarify "Hey, to clarify, I have a boyfriend in X (city), in case you meant it romantically. If not, all good. Surfing was fun!" I don't want to be all "I have a boyfriend, leave me alone"..as he's kind and anyhow he may have just been being friendly as I'm new to town. What do you think? Should I clarify, as I'm afraid he might text again to reschedule. The surfing was a date. Any time a man asks a woman to go any where alone and you aren't related then it's a date. You accepted that surf date, in the back of your mind you already know you are dating this guy, and are two timing on some guy in another city. Now you have to choose who you are really with. There is no way to do this tactfully. You already lead him on. Tact went out the window when you accepted the first date while fully aware you are currently involved with another man. That he is 15 years older doesn't matter except in one sense. Since you accepted this surf date this proves he is your type and it seems a more experienced man is your type. Accept it. Your three month relationship wasn't all that important for you to cheat so soon. Though this isn't a physical affair yet. It definitely is an emotional one. I wouldn't worry too much about the 3 month old. If he wanted to keep you then he would have put a ring on it before you left the city limits. He's probably doing the same thing back home except he has rounded more bases and maybe with more partners. If you continue with the 3 month old or the 15+ year old, both deserve to know about the other man and the current situation.
Author bolase Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) The surfing was a date. Any time a man asks a woman to go any where alone and you aren't related then it's a date. That simply isn't true, it's not fact, it's your opinion! I have been surfing with (male - whoa) surfing buddies while having a boyfriend many many times. I also told my bf about the surfing. He has female friends and hangs out with them one one one Walks them home from work to have a yarn, goes over to theirs for dinner...those aren't dates either. The difference is that I am getting a crush on my coworker hence my new thread. :/ I started to feel this way AFTER realizing he was interested, after not even thinking of him in that way as he is way older. "f he wanted to keep you then he would have put a ring on it before you left the city limits. He's probably doing the same thing back home except he has rounded more bases and maybe with more partners." - yeah no, I don't expect a proposal after 2 months. Edited May 22, 2012 by bolase
LittlePrince Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I have been surfing with (male - whoa) surfing buddies while having a boyfriend many many times. And those have been dates. In those cases you were using the men to stroke your ego. Women do this all of the time I mean using men to feel better about themselves. The excuse changes though. You like to use surfing as an excuse. I also told my bf about the surfing.And you like to test your man to see if he cares enough about you to forbid it. That's what you were looking for. That bf obviously doesn't. He failed the test. He has female friends and hangs out with them one one one Walks them home from work to have a yarn, goes over to theirs for dinner...those aren't dates either.This is why he failed the test. He has plenty of other women to "stroke." I see why you feel the need to test him. He has plenty of female companionship he is playing with and you are trying to out compete them to the prize. The difference is that I am getting a crush on my coworker hence my new thread. :/That's because you now have a man to pay attention to just you and that feels good opposed to the playboy you call a bf. You have been shopping for a new boy and beau all along. I started to feel this way AFTER realizing he was interested, after not even thinking of him in that way as he is way older.Yep you like them older and his interest was the aphrodisiac needed to send you into a frenzy chomping at the bit. "f he wanted to keep you then he would have put a ring on it before you left the city limits. He's probably doing the same thing back home except he has rounded more bases and maybe with more partners." - yeah no, I don't expect a proposal after 2 months.I wouldn't either but that still means you didn't capture his heart. It is pretty hard to capture the heart of a man when he has so many hyenas preying on him.
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