This never-ending depression is not lifting...

[SlowlyHealing]

Forgive my long rant... I just want to get it all out.

 

My ex-boyfriend was extremely emotionally abusive towards me. I used to be very naive, and he took full advantage of that, by lying to me repeatedly from the first day we met to the last day we talked. It's been over 6 months since we broke up, and although I am over him in feelings wise and I'm certain I would not take him back (although, thankfully, he hasn't once come back since he left me), I am having a harder time getting past my bitterness towards him.

 

I recently threw myself back into the dating pool, and I've started talking to a few guys, but I still find myself thinking bitterly of my ex, and I feel the hatred inside me. The fact that he hurt me so bad, ****ed me up in so many ways, and never did ONE single thing to claim responsibility for it - he just walked away as if he did nothing, stepping over me and doing nasty things to me as he left - makes it so much harder for me to try to forgive him. I am an honest person at heart, and I was ALWAYS honest and loyal to him - and he completely manipulated my kindness and honesty while lying and deceiving me the whole time, and even after I caught him, he rubbed in my face that he "got me good" and that he never cared to begin with. I used to care a lot for him, and yes I realize the person I cared for is not the same as the person he actually showed himself to be. But even KNOWING all this isn't helping to make me feel better.

 

I know I should forget everything he ever said to me, it being all lies, and that yes, I was ROYALLY played for a fool and he never gave a damn about me to begin with (despite telling me otherwise for months), but I just CAN'T seem to convince my head to shut up. I was FOOLISH enough to let him trick me into giving him my virginity. I was FOOLISH enough to let myself trust him, and the entire time all he did was play and lie to me.

 

I try to be a forgiving person, even if someone royally screws me over, I try to see their point of view best I can, even if I disagree, to get some understanding of them and make it easier for me to forgive. But for my ex... I have searched endlessly for some way to try to feel less bitterness for him, and less hatred, and let go of my bitter feelings. But nothing is working. I know I should feel pity for his type of personality, but all I feel is spite and bitter feelings towards him. I can't look past my angry feelings.

 

Please help me, I really hate holding this bitterness inside me, I feel like such a nasty person. I don't care if he "deserves the hate", I really feel so ugly inside because of it. There's this constant dark cloud of depression hanging over me that I just can't make go away. I feel pleasure in nothing in this world. I feel nothing for no one. I just live day by day, waiting patiently for the day I will get past this. I try to tell myself that I WILL get through this, and that I WILL meet someone worthy of my love someday, but that day seems so far away.

 

Even long gone, he still has a massive amount of control over me. I want to so badly loosen the control he has over me, someone that never cared a single ounce about me. I want to break free from him and come out the better person, the stronger person. I want to one day think of him and think "oh, yeah, I remember that guy. He was a jerk" and go on with life and not care.

 

I resent myself so much for still feeling this way. I feel so frustrated with myself for still being hung up over it. Even though sex and virginity I never held to much value, I feel so DISGUSTED that my first time was with someone that royally played me for a fool. I fell for all his lies, his manipulation. I was a game to him. I can't get this horrendous reality out of my head.

 

I'm still humiliated by it. I hate myself so much for letting him drag me down this badly. I hate myself for being unable to break free from him. Six months is a long time, yet this depression, this darkness, is not lifting. I try to keep my head up high, hoping someday it'll "just pass" and one day I'll just wake up and he will no longer matter. He'll just be a far thought at the back of my head, of no importance.

 

I've seen lots of girls get played by guys, and they manage to pick themselves up fairly quickly, and go on with life. Yet... 6 months for me. And I'm nowhere near like those girls. Why is it for me, it affected me so much more?

 

How much longer will I be like this? I try to keep busy with school and work, but this depression is not lifting. Even going out with my friends on weekends, drinking and partying, does not help my depression lift. My friends and family all think I'm over it all, but I'm just so ashamed to tell them I'm not (and they got tired of my depressed state after the first few months).

[quankanne]

have you looked into counseling? With a clergy member or through a clinic? Because those folks are trained to help give you the tools you need to move forward. Alcohol is a depressant, and you're merely compounding the problem by trying to drink them away ...

[Phanpooh]

U talk just like my ex... U blame on him and yourself, u know why? Bc people treat u like crap and u sit there, blame urself. U knew him lie, so why u stayed?

Let me guess, u found sth in this relationship and u think that value? Then eccepted, and that BU hurt? Did u see ur bad side, and u though that okay, he also but he werent really, so that why, he had to lie. That make u feel guilty?

Alkohol just is the way helped u hire yourself. And sometime, u think u r stronger, but somewhere, in ur mind, u though that isnt? Lolz, i hate psychologis XD in fact, time will teach u how to live alone, but in shadow, u need his good side. Someone will find a rebound, sb will change themself... That why everyone here, say NC, let u deal with that emotion, be stronger and better.

If u dun understand me, let watch " forgetting sarah marshall" and then learn ur lesson. If u laught on this stupid comedy, u can see u laught on ur bu and see urself in there

[buckeye]

SH,

I've found, through my own experience, forgiveness is the answer. Forgiveness for yourself and those that hurt us. Forgiveness is not for them. It is for us. It helps us to release the past and move on. When I learned this, it helped me move on and get over the betrayal, hurt and anger I felt.

[lilyblue]

OP I don't really have any advice, but I completely relate. We're on a similar timeline and I just can't seem to break out of it. I hate the outlook I have, but I can't figure out a way to change it without feeling like I'm just delusional.

[Exit]

I just crossed the 6 month threshold myself after a pretty similar relationship, I was treated like utter garbage, in more ways than I even realized until I spent all these months reflecting on everything. I am just now starting to feel better. My relationship was just under 2 years. Now sure how long yours was, but it takes a while. I can relate to many of the key words you mentioned; bitterness, anger, and even humiliation which was an emotion I was not expecting to feel, but I felt like such an idiot and many days I just had this nagging feeling that I wanted to pick up and go live somewhere else because I just felt lower than dirt knowing that she probably had all of our old mutual friends on her side and everyone probably thinks I was the jerk.

 

Anyways, this may not be the right advice for you but I am going to throw it out there. I noticed in your post, a clear pattern of you trying to follow X,Y,Z advice that most people get. You're trying to get back in the dating scene. You try to go out with friends on the weekends and have some drinks and enjoy yourself. These behaviors are commonly encouraged for getting over a breakup. But in my case, forcing myself to try to go out and distract myself just made me feel worse. Standing around with friends, trying to participate in conversation and keep a smile on my face, when in reality I was still thinking about her every second, did not make me feel better. I always see warnings that isolating yourself is the wrong way to go about it, and I'm not sure what I'm suggesting would be extreme enough to qualify as "isolation" anyway, but basically what I'm trying to say is that what worked for me was going against the grain of all that advice to "get out and try to have fun". I needed a lot of alone time, a lot of introspection, just to untangle the mess in my head. If you are an extroverted type person and you benefit from social interaction, then keep doing so. But to me it seems you are saying you keep trying to force yourself to do these things and aren't feeling better. I'm not saying don't answer your phone if someone calls or totally shut yourself in your house, but maybe you would feel better spending a little bit of time alone. Get a journal to write in, rent some movies, meditate, work on a project or do something you've been wanting to do for a while.

 

No matter what you do, it really just takes time. I take no personal credit for the fact that I am finally feeling better. I can't say I did this-or-that and finally woke up the next day not thinking of her. I didn't do anything. I obsessed about what happened for six months, and finally, naturally, I have started to transition into not thinking about it so much, but I am not 100% healed yet.

 

Long story short, don't be so quick to push yourself into the dating scene or going out every weekend when you still have some bitterness and other emotions built up inside that you need to work through. As much as I hate it when I see my exes dating someone else right away, I have to admit I have a pretty good history of always starting a new relationship relatively soon, but not this time. 6 months and I still don't feel like trying to meet anyone or even signing up for a dating website just to chat with people. There is nothing wrong with not dating for a while when you know you aren't ready.