doesn't know if he loves me after a year?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Fellow shackers,

 

Today, in the spirit of communication, I asked my bf of a year if he loved me. I've said the wicked words a few times now, and haven't got them back. He said that he liked me, but was unsure of a future together. Sometimes he sees us breaking up, and sometimes he sees it lasting forever.

 

{sigh} I know this has been discussed before on the forum, I'm just not up to digging up an old thread today.

 

I'm not really sure of what to do. We are really great together, and the relationship has all the elements of a lasting one: trust, communication, respect, humour, chemistry, similar values, etc. We've never raised our voices to each other, and we enjoy each other's company. I fell for him about six months ago.

 

It sounds pathetic to hear myself say that maybe he will come around. I mean, after year, wouldn't you know? But, I wouldn't mind staying with him as it's nice to have someone to go out with or be with. I'm just afraid of risking my heart further.

 

Do I give him an ultimatum? I'm not fond of this method, at all. Do I just walk away? Should I stick with it as an antidote to loneliness?

[msrealdoll]

Some people have a terrible time telling someone they love them. It may be that he doesn't know if he doesn't have anything to compare it to. Has he ever said he was in love with anyone else?

 

Is he a really open person-does he talk freely about his other deep feelings?

 

It's hard for me to imagine him being with you for a year if he didn't love you.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by msrealdoll

Has he ever said he was in love with anyone else?

 

Is he a really open person-does he talk freely about his other deep feelings?

 

It's hard for me to imagine him being with you for a year if he didn't love you.

 

He hasn't been in love before, as far as I know. I'm his first long-term girlfriend. He is a bit reserved as far as sharing deep feelings, but he is always honest with me if I ask him.

[Debster]

Warning, warning - at least from my experience.

 

Before I met my fiance I was with a guy who I was in love with. He was never sure If he loved me. I was very insecure in that relationship - which actually brought me to this Web site in the beginning. We had broken up two times (after 7 months and at 2 months) before the final break up (after five months) and each time he came running to me saying all the sweet things I always wanted him to say, etc. I kept saying that this time it would be different. It would never last long. I had to end it finally (for the third time) without him ever saying I am madly in love with you, or something to that extent. Deep down, I knew he never loved me I guess I just kept hoping that he would grow to love me.

 

With my fiance, we had both had a number of relationships in the past. He had some bad ones, as did I. We both have learned now to judge quickly when it is and is not working. With us, it clicked very quickly. He said he loved me first. I already knew at the time I was in love with him. I think it took 1 1/2 months.

 

A number of months later (after a friend's experience) he said that men often fall faster than the woman (which was very surprising for me - as I typically always fell faster) and if the man doesn't know within a number of months if he loves you, he doesn't love you. He may really really like you, and love spending time with you but he doesn't love you. He might not want to change the status quo and not be without you, but he doesn't see you as his soulmate. When he said that I looked back to other relationships and I think what he said has merit.

 

As for what to do - that is up to you and how you want to spend your time. If you are ok with being in a good relationship but know that he doesn't love you - then fine. Or do you want to bite the bullet, live a bit of the single life and try to find someone who you can love and who will love you in return. It is up to you.

 

How old is he? If he is in his high twenties or thirties and claims to have never been in love - that would bother me. Surely by that age you would have learned how to form a deep bond of love with someone.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Debster,

 

He is 28, but he only started dating a few years ago. He is a shy person. As I said, I'm his first long-term girlfriend.

 

 

I was thinking of sending this letter:

----------------------------------------------

 

I've been thinking over everything you said to me this morning. Thank you for

being so honest. Now, it's my turn to reciprocate. "Maybe" and "I Don't Know"

are driving me crazy. It's not fair to you or me for you to be wasting your

time on someone you don't envision a future with. I realize that this long-

term relationship thing might be new to you. If you need time to think

about it, I'm willing to give you that. But I can't continue with you, knowing

that things that mean so much to me, don't hold the same value for you.

 

A year is a long time to get to know someone. Still, take a few days, think

about what you are looking for in someone you love. Think about whether our

relationship, whether I, fulfill those qualities. Then let me know. I'm not

asking for any kind of big commitment, but we should be on the same page in

this relationship.

 

I do love you. I love so many things about you: your sense of humour,

your smile, your steadiness, your kindness. I love watching you play video

games. I love going out with you or just staying in. I love talking

with you. I love the way you let me hold your arm when I walk because I'm such

a klutz. I love that you go to church with me, to the ballet with me, to the

ballgames with me, just for me. I love when you are silly. I love that you

let me cry on your shoulder. I love the sleepy look you have in the morning.

I love holding you and snuggling with you and every moment we touch.

 

I only wish that you could feel how happy you make me. And how much it hurts

to know you aren't feeling the same way about me.

 

I'll be waiting to hear from you,

CG

------

 

 

What do you guys think?

[Fayebelle]

I think honesty is abeautiful thing- Espescially when expressed in such a poetic manner.

[Debster]

While the letter is nice and poetic, I don't think it really gets to the heart of what is bothering you. Unless I'm misunderstanding, he already said he doesn't know if he loves you. What is the purpose of the letter? You have your answer. He doesn't know if he loves you. Are you trying to make him feel bad and guilt him into saying he loves you? To give him an ultimatum?

 

Why should he hold the cards? You have enough information now to make your own decision. Now you need to take that information and decide for yourself what course of action is best for YOU.

[undecided]

i posted a thread where i was uncomfortable telling my gf that i loved her (i did very much) in fear for what she would think and do and the concequesnces if any (like jumping into marriage/children talk) at a young age.

 

she left me for 2 weeks and had a fling with someone else, we got back together a week after, she lied about the encounter. 4 monthhs later things are going better than ever and now she tells me.

 

 

please give him time. my gf told me all the time she could tell i loved her by the way i looked at her and the intimate things i did.

 

but if you dont think he does......

[tiki]

I had a very good friend that dated a guy for a year and he hadn't told her the golden words. He eventually came around shortly thereafter.

 

Does he act like he loves you? That's important. Look for other signs of love.

[CurlyIam]

I have a few questions for you:

 

1. What do you want from him?

 

Beside the "I love you"part. Do you want a confirmation of the fact that you're serious (for instance one day getting engaged) ?

 

2. What do you want out of the relationship? Do you possibly see him in your future?

 

3. Is his not telling you "I love you" about your pride - I know I'd have my pride hurt, btw - or do you think it's just a phase(after he tells you "I love you", things do change, they are keeping a door open for... more, so maybe that's why he's uncounsciusly not doing it)?

 

 

 

 

I have told "I love you"to my ex. I did love him. But it pissed me off hearing him, repeating it to me. I don't know why! MAybe because also we did stay together a few years and even talked about children, I'd never really see him in my future. He knew it, but thought I was against marriage as an institution (not really )....

 

 

I'd be unhappy too to have my bf of one year not say the words...

[moimeme]

Oh rats It is wretched when the timing isn't right or when things just don't go the way you want.

 

That letter sounds like an ultimatum to me. Do you want to go that route? Are you hoping that it will push him into a declaration or are you truly prepared to lose him?

 

What will his absence mean to you?

[clia]

You know what Caterpillar Girl? A year is a long time. A very long time.

 

If I were you, I would lose this guy. If he cannot relay how he feels about you after a year, then what do you think is in store for you in the future? People meet and get married in the course of a year. A lot of things can happen in the course of a year. Yet this guy, who you have spent so much time with can't even decide whether he loves you after a year? Ummm...

 

IMO, he must not. (I don't mean to be offensive.) Love is one of those things where you either know or you don't after a year. If he can't even communicate anything in that vein to you, then...I think you are best to move on and find a guy who will love you.

 

You can send the letter, but do you want to force him into an "ILY." Would it really be the same to you as an ILY from the heart?

 

Good luck to you...your situation is really rough.

[undecided]

i just think he may be being really careful from being hurt so much in the past? that was my reason. it takes a long time to know someone for real. the crust of someone. the little crumbs at the bottom of the toaster of someone. to quote chris rock.

[tiki]

Originally posted by undecided

the little crumbs at the bottom of the toaster of someone.

 

 

... i like that, lol. BTW, nice avatar.

[undecided]

thanks, just trying to get the message out.

[Olivia_19742004]

I think too much emphasis is being placed on the word love here. I think there's more to knowing whether or not someone loves you than just hearing them say it.

 

The letter you wrote was very eloquent and I noticed at the bottom you stated he goes many places with you. Does his affection and his response to you not tell you that he loves you? Love is easily identified by how we respond to people and even someone that may say they love you a thousand times only truly tells you when they show it.

 

Do you feel loved with you're with him? Do you plan a future together? Travel? Where you'd like to retire? I'd be more concerned with how he responds when the two of you discuss a life instead of how he responds when you ask him point blank if he loves you.

[undecided]

try not to pressure him into future talks. my gf would burst out into a conversation starting with her wedding plans. flowers, dress, colours places invitations gues list ahhhhhh. i being scared assumed they were involving me, because why would she tell me about them if they didnt. it would be inapropreate. and it made me uncomfortable. just get a general idea if his future plans have the possility to include you. there is alot to know of someone. and failure will result in rushing in and not kowing all your s/o's traits and quirks. the crumbs.

 

add: there is also a difference between love and in love. though id note that as well.

 

im sure he does love you, he may just be afraid to tell you, and maybe he does feel that way but is afraid of the step it will take and the concequences (seems hard to picture) of telling you that. it is a big thing for a guy.

[NatoPMT]

Caterpillar Girl - i agree absolutely with Olivia on this.

 

Undecided - can you paste the link to your post about being uncomfortable about telling your gf you love her? I cant find it in your history as you are newly registered

 

Thanks

[tiki]

and surely he feels some kind of love if he's been with you for a year?! There's gotta be SOMETHING there....well...unless it's just good bootie?

[undecided]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41548/

 

the point of the thread wasnt that i was uncomfortable about telling her i loved her, that happened way before i knew about this site(i registered yesterday, first post was monday). the thread is about what she did when she thought i didnt love her, when i in fact did.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Wow, thanks so much for all the advice/reflections.

 

I'll try to address some things you've brought up, especially as I'm a little more calm now.

 

Olivia & tikibrandy,

I recall seeing that question before (trying not to wander off to find the post) and yes, I do feel loved. At least he hasn't done anything that makes me think that he doesn't care for me. We have discussed future plans, vacations, where we want to retire, etc.

 

Undecided,

I've never pressured him as far as weddings, etc. go. In fact he knows I don't want to even think about that stuff until I've got my PhD in hand, which is still 3 yrs off.

 

Clia & Debster,

You girls make an excellent point. I would think that he should know at this point if he loved me or not.

 

Moimeme & Debster,

The letter does sound ultimatumish. And that is truly not what I want. I'm not trying to force him to feel anything he doesn't. I guess I just want to know where to go from here.

 

Moimeme,

His absence would hurt. I mean, I love him. I just think it's really infelicitous that he and I aren't on the same page. Sometimes I think I would rather he had some sort of huge character flaw that would make sending him packing easy: cheating, abuse, picking his nose, etc.

 

CurlyIam,

1) I want to know that he thinks there's a future for us. The #1 thing that bothered me about his statement is this phrase: "When I think about the future, sometimes I see us breaking up. Sometimes I see us together, married, etc." For me it's all fine and well if I say, "Sometimes I think I'll end up a planetary scientist, sometimes I think maybe I won't", but the difference is I also say to myself, "I want to BE a planetary scientist and I'm going to work hard to become so. If it doesn't work out, so be it." I just can't understand his laissez-faire attitude towards this.

 

2) What do I want? Well I want to be with him in the end, hopefully married. He has almost all the qualities that I'd like in a future mate: he's caring, responsible, communicative, shares my religious beliefs, common interests, good with kids, funny, etc. But I'd also expect love.

 

3) Hmm...about pride, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I like to think I'm loveable. So yeah, it does hurt when somebody doesn't love you back.

[CurlyIam]

So yeah, it does hurt when somebody doesn't love you back.

 

You mean when you think that somebody doesn't love you back . He does love you. Don't push. The moment you stop pushing he'll stop restraining himself (if that's what he's doing). I don't think this will remain unsettled. Something, someday soon will happen, and he'll have to decide.

 

Patience, my love! Time always solves everything.

 

Curly

[stephysthebest]

What intrigues me about this thread is that so much of this is about him and not you. I think you know what you want out of your life and he doesn't. I think you know where your personal life needs to go as well as your educational needs. The point that I am trying to make is; we all need to set goals and dream. Has he set any real long term goals, is he outgoing, does he take up where you leave off, and does dream with you?

 

I was really lonely and introverted for most of my life after my mother killed herself. I didn't date until I was almost 20 and then I married the first person I dated. I was married for 6 years, through college, through two children. The children were to "help" our relationship to bring us closer. I stayed married until he left. He left because he knew that I never loved him. I only married him because I had to. I didn't really love him, but knew he loved me. I found it would be hard for a shy quiet person like me to find someone new, so although lonely, I stayed. Which was not fair to him. He has found love and I am, everyday, happy for him. We are close friends.

 

I stayed single for 3 years and now am in a relationship that makes sense to me. Instead of just living and killing time with someone, I dream with him. I love him, I cherish him, and I would never make him feel beneath me.

 

___________________________________________________

[color=darkblue]Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

 

Albert Camus [/color]

 

____________________________________________________

 

For most of my life I followed, now I do not even know where I begin and he ends, and that is so much more peaceful and less difficult. Go with you heart. But alas, love is something that grows.

[CaterpillarGirl]

I talked to him on Saturday. He said that I was a great girl, he liked me a lot, blah, blah, blah, but that he wasn't gaga over me. He has a sort-of movie idea of how love should be with the whiz-bangs and crazy glitter and all. And he doesn't feel it when he looks at me.

 

Why must people be so silly? That is NOT love, that's infatuation, and fleeting. Of course, I'm not going to try and convince him of this. He can only learn it through experience, I think. I just wish he had told me sooner that he was looking for that and didn't find it with me. I mean, a year? Geez. I could have saved myself months full of memories that are haunting me now.

 

But, I guess at least it's better he told me now than 2 years down the line.

 

I hurt so badly. I feel as if I've given all the love I had to give. And it's wasted. I just wasted it. I feel like I'm never going to meet someone, that I might never be able to love someone again. God, I want this pain to pass. I want to move on.

 

Yes he was an illusion that I created, but losing an illusion doesn't hurt any less than losing the real thing.

 

Thank God for friends and family. At least I'm not alone, and I take consolation in the fact that I've managed to retain the love of some other humans on this planet.

[stephysthebest]

your last reply... was really sad. i feel badly for your hurt heart. please don't be scorned and think that love is not out there, because it is. patience is only obtained by few, when it comes to love. as patient as you have been to hear what you needed from this guy that you love will be repaid to you, even if he is not the one to repay it.

 

sometimes unfortunately in this life you have to chalk things up to inexperience. the inexperience that he has had with relationships has caused him to fail you. you have not failed him, please do not believe that you have. do not think for a moment that you failed a year of your life. maybe you learned a lot from it. maybe you will do things differently next time. maybe you will see things differently. but you loved him, maybe it is time that you stop.

 

how important is he to you? could you let him go to see if he will make it back. because, unfortunately sometimes people do not know what they have until it is gone. I hope that you will let go of him, if even for a defining moment. I hope that he makes it back to you, but not without work on his part. he won you over. it is time for him to win you over.

 

Can I ask you something...does he live with you?