Being happy despite Infidelity

[seren]

I see many threads where there is an assumption that during the A that life for the WS at home was all bad and also that after Infidelity there is no hope or chance for happiness. I can say with hand on heart that during the A, H had moments when he was a very different person, but fundamentally we were happy. We still made love, laughed, made plans for the future, went out on date nights, had romantic meals, cuddled, much and he still showed love, although at times he was an absolute a***. I later discovered that the times he was being an a*** was when he was meeting the OW or had met her. I wonder at this picture often portrayed of the life at home being hell and have often thought that if I were the OW/OM I would ask, why the hell they were still there.

 

After Infidelity, especially in the early days, happiness can seem like an unachievable goal. Many times we (general) might find ourselves happy only to have the, why are you laughing, he/she had an A, type moment. But, I can remember when this stopped and I acknowledged that I was where I wanted to be and that I was happy. Now, some 4 and a half years later, I and he are very happy. The person he was during the A doesn't rear his ugly head and I just see my H as the man I always knew him to be. When we discuss the A, which is rarely these days, it is with a shared, phew, that was one godawful time and yet look at us, we are happy despite it all. Which tells me that if we have weathered the worse of times, we certainly have a strong relationship. Of course I would rather we didn't have that as part of our history, but we do and despite it, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

 

Are you happy despite Infidelity? either with the WS or with a new partner.

[Spark1111]

Oh Seren!

I could have written this post word for word!

 

I remeber in the horrible early days, when I walked a fine line between crazy and wanting to listen to my best and oldest friend, we had this conversation:

 

He: You give me the best gifts! ( I had just given him for xmas, when I was still very tentative about a future, a copy of the manifesto of his grandfather's voyage at 16 to this country. He cried.)

 

Me: Well, thank you! What did she give you during the two years?

 

He: Golf balls, and a rugby shirt.

 

Me: (Sarcastically) Wow! How generous!

 

We spontaneously burst into laughter and couldn't stop.... a true turning point.

 

Tonight, cleaning out the attic, I found a torn piece of brown paper bag with his writing on it (years before the affair). It held a gift at one time and on the bag was written:

 

Dear Spark,

 

I hate cards that express how someone else feels. This is how I feel.

 

Whenever I feel my life is rupturing, you are my rock. I love that you are my rock. I love you. I am so happy you are a part of my life and I have you every day to come home to you.

 

I hope you like the gift. I picked it out especially for you.

 

Thank you for always being their for me. I love our life and our family.

 

Love, me.

 

Tonight, I couldn't wait to show it to him.

 

He said: it's true. It's true. You have always been my rock....and my hard place!

 

We laughed! Very funny I told him. And very true.

 

Yes, happy I am here and the affair is a very distant memory. But we BOTH worked oh so hard to be here today.

 

And that is the key. It takes two. It always has. Without it, I would not be here. And I empathize deeply with those who did not have a remorseful, willing to change, spouse.

 

I'd be gone....with a lot of regret and sadness.

[frozensprouts]

I guess I kind of look at it now in this way...

For 99 percent of the time we have been together, things have been really good. We've had our ups and downs, but overall, I've been very happy. I won't allow the 1 percent of our marriage that was the affair spoil the rest.

 

I think I've said it on here before, but before I was born, my dad had a very brief affair. They worked through it, and have been married for almost 50 years now. They are in love, and they are best friends. They are happy in their life and in their marriage.

 

and so am I.

[Angelina527]

If life was hell at home during my husband's affair, it's because he made it that way by being short tempered because of his affair.

 

We are extremely happy now. Lots of therapy has helped to address both of our issues and we're in a great place now.

[SomedayDig]

Learning about my wife's 5 year affair was devastating. Like others, during the affair I was a pilot flying all over the place. It was easy to not discover it and easy for her to hide it. I left my flying career to be home with my family more and it took literally only 5 months to catch her. We had good times during her affair. Nothing really out of the ordinary that I noticed...probably due to my lack of being around.

 

The affair destroyed our marriage. The previous one that is. The one that we're in now is totally different. It has a different feel/vibe and open and honest communication about each others needs. I can honestly say that despite her infidelity that we are happy now. We're happy just sitting with each other and talking, something that we just didn't do a lot of prior to Dday. It sucks more than anything the reason we're in this better marriage...yet I'm happy to be here.

 

EDIT to say...we still have a LONG way to go, but I'm still happy we're in the place we are.

[Bellechica]

During the A, I was unhappy with myself, my M and my H....seeing negatives in everything. Since ending the A, I am much happier and feeling whole again.

 

My H never said he was unhappy, but I can tell he is happier now. We are having fun together and growing closer. It feels like rediscovering what we once had and much more happiness than prior to the A.

[SomedayDig]

Of course he wasn't unhappy. Jeez Belle...you really don't seem to get it.

 

EDIT: I think the OP's intent of this thread was about BOTH parties knowing that infidelity has taken place and happiness. That's just me, but I'm sure Seren can clarify.

Edited May 18, 2012 by SomedayDig

[Bellechica]

Well sorry Dig and sorry Seren if this was intended as thread only for BSs, but it may surprise you that some WSs don't like being in an A. There were things about it that felt good or otherwise I wouldn't have continued, but it was also the most miserable year of my life. I tried ending it so many times before. I'm finally out of it and it feels so much better to be strong. Everyday that passes with NC gets better and better. The thoughts of OM are fewer and far between.

 

It just feels good to be home and enjoying my family and not feeling dirty....just feeling like myself again and being able to laugh and having hope.

[SomedayDig]

Oh, I don't think Seren intended this as a BS only thread as there must be many WS here who could answer it as you have. I think my comment about your husband not being unhappy is because he doesn't/didn't know what was going on. Heck, I was happy for the 5 years of my wife's affair. Sure we had our communication issues like most of us do, but I would say I was relatively happy. It was only AFTER discovering her affair that I realized how un-happy I truly was.

 

I am glad you are doing well with your husband. Honestly. My thoughts however will never deter from the "what if" with your marriage. What if he really knew what happened? What if he knew the real Belle? Only then, if he had the opportunity to know the real you could HE make his own decision about happiness. If he chose to stay with you, then I would be the first one to thank God and wish you every single ounce of good hope! Yet, he doesn't know. To me, that doesn't bode well because I can promise you that one day he will find out. That is when it could be bad for the marriage. My wife was in the middle of her affair when I caught her. If I had found out after she ended it and it had been years ago...my respect for her would be largely more diminished than it is now.

[drifter777]

 

Are you happy despite Infidelity? either with the WS or with a new partner.

 

Happy in the context of my wife's cheating? No. I'm not still continually miserable over it or I would leave my marriage, but I still can't forgive and will never forget.

 

We all carry scars from traumatic events in our lives such as childhood abuse, deaths of loved ones, broken relationships, etc. When we think about these things, for whatever reason, none of us would say we are "happy". When these thoughts pass and we immerse ourselves into our present lives and are mostly happy or at least not unhappy. Of course, the bigger the trauma the more difficult it is to put our thoughts back in the bottle once it pops out into our mind.

[pattyfromMV]

After Infidelity, especially in the early days, happiness can seem like an unachievable goal. Many times we (general) might find ourselves happy only to have the, why are you laughing, he/she had an A, type moment. But, I can remember when this stopped and I acknowledged that I was where I wanted to be and that I was happy.

Are you happy despite Infidelity? either with the WS or with a new partner.

I can relate to this , i found out my husband was cheating with my best friend and though she was not a therapist she used our confidential girl talk aginst me to befriend my husband and eventually lead to the affair. I learned about it thru a text she wrote saying ask your husband to tell you the truth. He confessed to it and said he tried to break it off but she wouldn't let him go. She even has tried to get pregnant 2.We are trying to make things work but she continues to text ,email or call.Even changed her number. She begs for forgiveness yet to him begs to take her back and threatens thats she pregnant . I know in my heart that we love each other and that someday I too will able able to post that I am happy and where I want to be.

[Spark1111]

I can relate to this , i found out my husband was cheating with my best friend and though she was not a therapist she used our confidential girl talk aginst me to befriend my husband and eventually lead to the affair. I learned about it thru a text she wrote saying ask your husband to tell you the truth. He confessed to it and said he tried to break it off but she wouldn't let him go. She even has tried to get pregnant 2.We are trying to make things work but she continues to text ,email or call.Even changed her number. She begs for forgiveness yet to him begs to take her back and threatens thats she pregnant . I know in my heart that we love each other and that someday I too will able able to post that I am happy and where I want to be.

 

What a horrible betrayal.

 

He got you into this mess, he has to get you out. The two of you call her and tell her to knock it off now. The two of you right a NO Contact letter and send it certified.

 

THEN, you ignore all texts, emails, calls. NO contact means no contact for life and for good.

[pattyfromMV]

I wish it were that simple ,no contact sounds great , but the possibility she may be pregnant is a heavy weight on our shoulders. I feel like this is turning into a fatal attraction. I feel he too is afraid she will eventually destroy our marriage. All I can do is leave it to God ,

[silktricks]

I am very happy, and know that my husband is as well. We count our blessings.

[Cobber9]

So, some of you are happy again, and put so much time and energy into repairing what was broken, I'm happy for you, but don't you think you just learned to cope with it? The human mind is amazing, when it hurts so bad, it automatically tries to protect itself, and this applies to physical pain as well, it is our built in survival mechanism. I can tell you that my ex wife had an affair on me, I forgave her, but I never forgot. Eventually after many years, I waited for her to slip up, just once, a casual flirt, a long glance, anything. She did it, a feather that broke the camels back. I divorced her, a simple thing, innocent in her mind, betrayal in mine. I have such a high degree of self worth, that I wouldn't tolerate the slightest thing even years after her affair. Remember, your husband or wife that had the affair still thinks of that person, it never leaves. Sure they deny it, they don't talk about it, but it's there. What is marriage? A religious and social convention, but in the en, no relationship can ever be the same.

 

I would argue that those that say they are happy are possibly 99.9999% happy, there are still seeds of doubt, you still watch for behavior shifts, unrecognized patterns, maybe even subconsciously...you have learned how to cope. coping is how we survive, survival doesn't mean happiness, sometimes togetherness, companionship, and other forms of tight bonding are sufficient to fool ourselves into altered state of happiness, but being betrayed by someone you committed to, can never translate to eventual 100% happiness. Therapy, counseling...are all methods of coping, they don't change the facts.

[Spark1111]

So, some of you are happy again, and put so much time and energy into repairing what was broken, I'm happy for you, but don't you think you just learned to cope with it? The human mind is amazing, when it hurts so bad, it automatically tries to protect itself, and this applies to physical pain as well, it is our built in survival mechanism. I can tell you that my ex wife had an affair on me, I forgave her, but I never forgot. Eventually after many years, I waited for her to slip up, just once, a casual flirt, a long glance, anything. She did it, a feather that broke the camels back. I divorced her, a simple thing, innocent in her mind, betrayal in mine. I have such a high degree of self worth, that I wouldn't tolerate the slightest thing even years after her affair. Remember, your husband or wife that had the affair still thinks of that person, it never leaves. Sure they deny it, they don't talk about it, but it's there. What is marriage? A religious and social convention, but in the en, no relationship can ever be the same.

 

I would argue that those that say they are happy are possibly 99.9999% happy, there are still seeds of doubt, you still watch for behavior shifts, unrecognized patterns, maybe even subconsciously...you have learned how to cope. coping is how we survive, survival doesn't mean happiness, sometimes togetherness, companionship, and other forms of tight bonding are sufficient to fool ourselves into altered state of happiness, but being betrayed by someone you committed to, can never translate to eventual 100% happiness. Therapy, counseling...are all methods of coping, they don't change the facts.

 

Well no, the facts never change. Truth is truth, facts are facts, coping mechanisms are exactly that: a way to cope.

 

I am happy with me, my life and my marriage with my fWS. Really happy. And I have a ton of self-worth. Always have, with the exception of two years following dday. But it is back, and I'm okay. Better than okay.

 

In life, there are NO guarantees. I would never think to seek one. There are no guarantees in any relationship, at any time. I would never seek 100% from any relationship; whether with my fWS or a new partner. That would be stupid and short-sighted.

 

I can only trust myself; my feelings, my instincts, my perceptions 100%. If I feel doubt, or insecurity, or fear, I verbalize it, If the response to my feelings is unsatisfactory, I employ coping mechanisms.

 

Don't we all do this cobbler9? From our lover to our children, our parents, our friends, our boss?

[bosunmate]

So, some of you are happy again, and put so much time and energy into repairing what was broken, I'm happy for you, but don't you think you just learned to cope with it? The human mind is amazing, when it hurts so bad, it automatically tries to protect itself, and this applies to physical pain as well, it is our built in survival mechanism. I can tell you that my ex wife had an affair on me, I forgave her, but I never forgot. Eventually after many years, I waited for her to slip up, just once, a casual flirt, a long glance, anything. She did it, a feather that broke the camels back. I divorced her, a simple thing, innocent in her mind, betrayal in mine. I have such a high degree of self worth, that I wouldn't tolerate the slightest thing even years after her affair. Remember, your husband or wife that had the affair still thinks of that person, it never leaves. Sure they deny it, they don't talk about it, but it's there. What is marriage? A religious and social convention, but in the en, no relationship can ever be the same.

 

I would argue that those that say they are happy are possibly 99.9999% happy, there are still seeds of doubt, you still watch for behavior shifts, unrecognized patterns, maybe even subconsciously...you have learned how to cope. coping is how we survive, survival doesn't mean happiness, sometimes togetherness, companionship, and other forms of tight bonding are sufficient to fool ourselves into altered state of happiness, but being betrayed by someone you committed to, can never translate to eventual 100% happiness. Therapy, counseling...are all methods of coping, they don't change the facts.

 

 

I think that if you can truly forgive your mate true happiness is possible.

[Spark1111]

I think that if you can truly forgive your mate true happiness is possible.

 

And if you can't, you are just wasting time for both of you.

[bosunmate]

And if you can't, you are just wasting time for both of you.

 

I agree if you can't forgive you will always carry resentment.

[Cobber9]

I think that if you can truly forgive your mate true happiness is possible.

 

Maybe, but forgetting and forgiving are two different things, and I would still argue that forgiveness is just a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with alternative realities like divorce, finances, dating, the new unknown, etc., and then time passes, and memories fade, and all of a sudden your happy again, or are you? how much energy did it take? How many tears, how many years? What was the self sacrifice, the managed repression of your own anger? Maybe you perish before you forget? What if there was a partner out there for you that valued you beyond anything in the world, that would jump into a bullet for you versus pushing into one? You would never know. Happiness is more related to how you feel about yourself than about how others feel about you.

[bosunmate]

Maybe, but forgetting and forgiving are two different things, and I would still argue that forgiveness is just a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with alternative realities like divorce, finances, dating, the new unknown, etc., and then time passes, and memories fade, and all of a sudden your happy again, or are you? how much energy did it take? How many tears, how many years? What was the self sacrifice, the managed repression of your own anger? Maybe you perish before you forget? What if there was a partner out there for you that valued you beyond anything in the world, that would jump into a bullet for you versus pushing into one? You would never know. Happiness is more related to how you feel about yourself than about how others feel about you.

 

 

Who said anything about forgetting, you will never forget that the person you cared for the most stabbed you in the heart and left scars that will never go away. However if you have forgivness and they are remorseful

you can be happy again. But it takes alot of work and some people on this

website seem to be very happy again. I think everyone deserves at least one chance and one chance only.

[Steadfast]

Remember, your husband or wife that had the affair still thinks of that person, it never leaves. Sure they deny it, they don't talk about it, but it's there.

 

News flash: you don't need to have an affair to think about, or even fantasize about another person. Ask yourself; who hasn't done that?

 

I was a faithful husband, but developed (at least) two moderate crushes during our 16-year marriage. But (unlike my wife...) I never acted on them because I knew what would happen...I even knew what kind of person my 'new' woman would get. Crush or no crush, I deeply loved my wife and was attracted to her, and cherished our children. It was easy not to cheat.

 

I love this Michelle Langley qrote:

 

"I'd rather be with someone who knew they were capable of wrongdoing and chose not to, then someone who thought they were above it."

 

If my ex would have come up later...at some point...and said (sincerely) "Baby! I made a mistake! I love you! What can I do to fix us?" I would have tried and dealt with whatever happened after. I would have. I wanted to. Sadly, some of us have to face life and move forward without ever hearing those words.

 

Am I happy? That's a difficult question to answer because of circumstance. What I and my children experienced changed who I am and how I look at everything. Her actions exposed my deepest fears and made me deal with them. That's the only positive. I'll never be 'happy' about what happened, but the person I am is happier than I ever thought possible.

Edited May 25, 2012 by Steadfast

[jnj express]

For everyone of you who is satisfied, and now living well---I have one question (lots of parts)-----What do you do, if something out of the ordinary happens, such as your spouse doesn't show up home, or to an engagement you have on time, what do you do, if your spouse that once strayed, starts to change their lifestyle, what do you do, if your spouse gets a little to licquored up/flirts/pays too much attention, even if innocent to some guy, what do you do, if your spouse wants to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, such as a co-worker, or neighborhood friend, what do you do, if your spouse starts going to social websites, what do you do if your spouse wants to go on GNO/BNO.

 

You say everything is good---and it probably is----but what if something is out of the ordinary----how fast would your anteanna be up----how fast would you be having a serious conversation----and what would that conversation consist of?

[Cobber9]

Well no, the facts never change. Truth is truth, facts are facts, coping mechanisms are exactly that: a way to cope.

 

I am happy with me, my life and my marriage with my fWS. Really happy. And I have a ton of self-worth. Always have, with the exception of two years following dday. But it is back, and I'm okay. Better than okay.

 

In life, there are NO guarantees. I would never think to seek one. There are no guarantees in any relationship, at any time. I would never seek 100% from any relationship; whether with my fWS or a new partner. That would be stupid and short-sighted.

 

I can only trust myself; my feelings, my instincts, my perceptions 100%. If I feel doubt, or insecurity, or fear, I verbalize it, If the response to my feelings is unsatisfactory, I employ coping mechanisms.

 

Don't we all do this cobbler9? From our lover to our children, our parents, our friends, our boss?

 

Spark, sure, we do cope with alot of things on a daily basis, it's life, but having an unfaithful marriage partner is a completely different compromise. You didn't get to choose your parents, and your children are blood, and that love is unconditional, but choosing a mate is voluntary and comes with obligations, and that is to not cheat. Coping with a poor boss is one thing, coping with a cheating spouse is another, and in the end what did you do, you bargained, you weighed all sorts of things, you forgave, you coped with the facts, and moved on. But I argue you should cope with the feelings of leaving, not staying and forgiving. There are consequences in life, and that's what will keep most people from ever cheating...the consequences. The consequence of staying together is that when your spouse does something weird or whatever, all those feelings come flooding back as if it was yesterday, and what a terrible burden for you to pay all your life.

[beenburned]

Cobber,

 

I am glad I am not the naive person I was in the early years of my marriage!

 

My parents raised me in a very sheltered way, and I was not exposed to different lifestyles until after I married my H. Needless to say, it was a rude awakening!

 

I am many many years past our d-day. H was totally remorseful and worked hard to completely change.

 

Our kids are grown now and we have grandchildren. H has never made me sorry I gave him a second chance! We are very happy in our marriage and the long ago brief infidelity is now just a bad blip in a long term marriage.

 

What most people don't stop to realize is that even if you rush to divorce, and find someone new, there will never be any kind of guaranties of faithfulness with anybody!