FrustratedStandards Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) Sexual attraction is a big part of what brings people together. I think it exists biologically for that purpose. So once you are together, the game changes somewhat. I think if people are accustomed to just getting this overwhelming feeling of "I gotta have it NOW" they might be failing to work on their sex life with their spouse in other ways, as the relationship grows, deepens, has challenges, a bunch of real life interferences, etc. And people get older, bodies don't remain the same, hormones and drives fluctuate and change permanently, etc. I'm not disagreeing with you. Sexual chemistry is huge. But if you have sexual chemistry with someone, there is a point where even if they turn you on, their body will eventually steer you away from that (if they are out of shape beyond what you find desirable). That is why I stress the gym. The opposite is also true. You might have little sexual chemistry with someone, but if they all of a sudden head to the gym everyday and develop a great body, that chemistry in turn will also grow somewhat. Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I should've said "some of its power". No doubt you and your body still turn your man on and no doubt he loves you dearly, but don't think for one minute his gaze isn't still inexorably drawn to the bodies of other women every day of his life, be they images or just girls on the street. Why? Because they're different. Different sizes, different shapes. Larger or smaller breasts. Thinner or wider waists. Smaller or larger bums. You girls spend your lives trying (and as the poster Disenchantedly Yours so consistently proves) usually failing to come to terms with the way men truly are, and I'm afraid being in love and being committed to you doesn't change a damn thing in this regard. The men who say otherwise are lying. That's right Dusk, speak right over me but don't actually address any of the articulte things I actually said in my post. What you and other men fail to come to terms with is the way women truly are. Which is her, wanting to be number one to him and not one of the many of a visual harem he uses to justify not using any kind of mindfulness when it comes to the actual relationship he has with her. If you want to spend your time oggling all kinds of different women and different shapes and sit infront of your computer jacking yourself off to images of women that probably wouldn't let you touch them anyway, do that! But don't get into a relationship trying to meet a portion of your needs through that one person, while toggling to meet other desires through porn, and not think about the needs you fail to meet for your partner in the process. It's so funny to me how a lot of men are so selfish on this point. They want all their needs met 24/7 today. They do not want to practice self control, grow or really respect their partners in the process. However, they want their female partners to deny themselves and use self control and respect him in favor of his needs while thinking very little of hers. Why even be in a relationship? I mean, no one is forcing you to. You don't have to be. It seems pointless to get into a relationship to only prattle on about all the other women you think you need to be happy in life. It's so silly. Do I think that neither gender will never notice a person they think is attractive again? Of course not. However, what matters is what a person does with this, how they act, and how often they expect to indulge themselves in the name of their gender. When I hear guys say things like you said, all I hear is about how *you* think you are more important then your partner. I get it Dust. You want it to be all about you and your desires. But real relationships are a heck of a lot more then your sexual desires. And if you don't want to have to work with a woman to think about her needs, then don't be in a relationship. Why claim you want a relationship if all you are going to do is whine about what makes you a man is your ability to treat women like interchangable pieces of crap?
TheBigQuestion Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 I'm grateful to be in a relationship where lack of sex simply isn't an issue. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly two years now and we still average about 5-7 times a week even though we don't live all that close to each other. With that said, if I noticed that the amount of times we have sex starts to plummet considerably, it is not something I would hesitate to address. I would talk about it with her and make a strong effort to resolve whatever it was that was negatively affecting our sex life. Generally speaking, the gradual absence of sex usually signifies that the relationship is in trouble or nearing its end. A sex-deprived relationship is not something I'm interested in, and I'd advise anyone involved in such an arrangement to try to resolve it. If resolution fails, leave. There are tons of men/women out there who are compatible with you and who actually have respectable sex drives. Don't me like some of the friends I have who cling to relationship where their sex drives are completely mismatched.
dasein Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 IME, the more control a man has over sex and obtaining it, the less important it becomes in the way it often is to younger guys. The cultural obsession with intercourse is very recent historically, an unfortunate fad IMO, a product of many factors. In the past preoccupation with sexual congress was thought puerile and frivolous. Literary characters that we admire today as "fitting in" with our modern views were most often written as cautionary rather than congratulatory tales. Billions of people in non Western cultures the world over are not even in the same universe as the West where preoccupation with sex is concerned, and IMO we could do with some cultural balance in that area, as many of those cultures are definitely more happy generally than we are despite not possessing our levels of material wealth and technology. When on my deathbed, I doubt the sex act will take up much time in the reflection of the meaning of my life, love sure, sex in itself not so much. 2
oldschool1 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Uh, how about women who look at porn? Lots of my girlfriends check it out––regardless of whether they are in a relationship. In fact, sometimes having a lot of fulfilling sex gets them fantasizing and looking at porn MORE. I find that the more great sex I have, the more I want it. Of course, my boyfriend and I (together 2 years) don't have sex 4 times a day like we did initially, but it's still once or twice a day whenever we're together (and we're together at least four times more each week than when we started dating, so it works out to MORE sex). To me, it all depends on whether you started out with a strong attraction and good sex. In my last relationship, I was never excited about the sex in the first place. So, I became one of those dreaded women who avoided it. That sent us in a downward spiral. Since my ex practically knew that I didn't desire him, he second-guessed my fairly desperate last ditch efforts at sex. Now, I have not had children, been through menopause or experienced serious changes in my body, so my guess is that such trauma could interfere with even the best sexual relationships. However, I think that most sexual "prohibition" in LTRs stems from a gradual avoidance of an act that one or both parties never enjoyed wholeheartedly in the first place. In situations where sexually compatible lovers have simply exhausted their newness, I would think that date nights, mixing it up, and consciously working on intimacy should help somewhat. If anyone has more helpful hints, I'm all ears. I really want to keep the good thing my boyfriend and I have going!
maybealone Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) I find that the more great sex I have, the more I want it. Absolutely! Sometimes when the frequency of sex decreases, it's because the quality has decreased. Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
joystickd Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I have to laugh at the "It's men's fault" or "It's women's fault":lmao: It's crazy because there are two people in a relationship and sole blame can't be on one person. I say its both and that is because of one word comfort. If two people are comfortable with each other and feel the things they done initially are no longer needed because they "have" the person. Its not about wooing or sex or fantasy or porn its about a mindset. If you have the mindset of comfort and not feeling like I have be that person I once was and can become lax about the person you are with. 2
Oxy Moronovich Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Thumbs down!! Alotta people here who don't get laid talking about sex like they understand the issue. Please. Here's the real issue regarding sex: the majority of people have crummy sex lives. The quality and quantity of sex for them will always be garbage. The vast majority of adults look upon sex as a necessary evil. As a result, they don't know how to explore their sexual desires and indeed are afraid to explore their sexual desires. How often does the average couple talk about their sex life? Some hardly ever. I talk about sex with my girl every week, sometimes for hours. I talk about positions, sex acts, places to have sex, proper hygiene, etc. Places we've had sex: public bathrooms, a lake, changing rooms at Macy's, parking lots, swimming pools, etc. As long as folks look upon sex as a necessary evil their sex lives will be garbage.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 As long as folks look upon sex as a necessary evil their sex lives will be garbage. That's not true. Some people just can't find compatible partners. Why do people masturbate so much? Especially women? Because they know what they want. Just because they communicate it doesn't mean their sex lives magically improve. Sex in public places doesn't mean it was good sex. If you explore lots of things doesn't mean the sex is great, it means you are open-minded. 1
xxoo Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Alotta people here who don't get laid talking about sex like they understand the issue. Please. lol! How often does the average couple talk about their sex life? Some hardly ever. I talk about sex with my girl every week, sometimes for hours. I talk about positions, sex acts, places to have sex, proper hygiene, etc. Places we've had sex: public bathrooms, a lake, changing rooms at Macy's, parking lots, swimming pools, etc. I agree that if you can't even talk about it, you likely aren't going to have a great sex life. But no amt of talking about it will make sex in a public bathroom appealing
Oxy Moronovich Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 lol! I agree that if you can't even talk about it, you likely aren't going to have a great sex life. But no amt of talking about it will make sex in a public bathroom appealing Many women find sex in a public bathroom appealing. Even though many women will have sex in the grungy bathroom stall of Hairy Tom's Roadside Bar and Grill, I always suggest a bathroom in an upscale place. My gf and I last did it at this upscale hibachi restaurants that has a minty clean atmosphere in the bathroom.
joystickd Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 To the women that blame men and men that blame women have you ever thought about seeing it from the other point of view for once maybe
Airborne Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Just yesterday afternoon as I was sitting in traffic at a stoplight, several of them crossed the street in front of me. I noticed how they all had toned pecs straining against their shirts. Even the ones wearing shirts and ties had the shirts tailored to show off their physiques. No, I wasn't in Boys Town, they weren't gay (as far as I know). If anything I thought, They must be players! Should have found a steam vent to stand on.
William Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Firefox + find + gold = delete Thread topic: "What I want to know is, ladies; why aren't you as interested in being intimate with your men? And guys; is this okay with you? " Come on folks, the topic is about why ladies (or men perhaps) find sex no longer important in a relationship. Do I really need to process more green posts for people on moderation? There's tons of room here for porn threads and gold-digger threads. Maybe I'll start some sticky ones so people can easily find them or, better yet, members can start them and consolidate discussion into a cogent topic. That a lady might post a personal reason of her man's porn use and/or his income falling below her gold-digger threshold causing her to avoid sex is just that, a personal reason, not an invitation to debate the pros and cons of porn and gold-digging in general.
SarahRose Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 i really want to be interested again. this is the first time ive had this problem as usually i would want all the time. i am going through menopause and my libido is gone. it is often times quite painful to do things anymore and it seems like it takes me forever to get warmed up. ugh. plus feeling not so sexy anymore. i am still doing it as often as my husband likes but i am just not into it.
bridges_squares Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I've noticed that my sex drive has definitely lowered the last couple of years. I just don't feel the need to have full-on sex anymore. Sometimes, I prefer getting lost in a fantasy and getting the job done myself, if you know what I mean. It is a weird feeling to feel like it is no longer "important." I find the emotional part of the relationship has always been for fulfilling than the physical parts, anyways.
Lostinlife4now Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Familiarity breeds contempt!!!! I know a married couple that hasn't had sex in 10 years (been together 26 years). It doesn't bother her in the least...but God only knows what he is doing! I always thought sex was important in a relationship. It's just one fraction of a relationship. If you are not having sex with your partner then it's NOT OK. There is something wrong in the relationship. IMO.
Author TLY22 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 I've noticed that my sex drive has definitely lowered the last couple of years. I just don't feel the need to have full-on sex anymore. Sometimes, I prefer getting lost in a fantasy and getting the job done myself, if you know what I mean. It is a weird feeling to feel like it is no longer "important." I find the emotional part of the relationship has always been for fulfilling than the physical parts, anyways. I've heard this is the reason quite a bit that the level of sex in the relationship lowers. The emotional part certainly is fulfilling. But what about emotionally connecting with someone physically? I don't know. I just don't understand how two people in love haven't connected like that in over six or seven months. Have you had a gap that big between being with your partner physically?
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