pureinheart Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I had a long and intense affair with a married man. It lasted several years but has been over for the better part of two years with very little contact in those two years. I've been dating someone (single) who I've started to develop feelings for. He's been very open about his life -- including past relationships. We've recently decided to be exclusive with each other and I seem to be learning more about him all the time. Unintentionally, I've always been a private person. Not necessarily lying about things in my life, but more in a way of withholding information/not divulging information voluntarily. Now that we've become serious, I have this huge cloud hanging over my head about my past with xMM. I feel like it's affecting my current relationship. I feel like I'm unable to move to the next level with him because of my past. I want to tell him everything but I'm afraid he'll ditch me like a bad habit. This is the first guy since xmm that I'm really falling for. Should I tell my current BF about my past with xMM? I would, it's the past...if he does roll, then he wasn't right for you anyway. I mean really, would you want someone that close to you that can't accept you for who you were and who you are now, and more importantly, who you will become? 2
Radagast Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 It's bugging you, so it needs to be resolved. So I'd tell him - let him know that you really appreciate his honesty with you, and that it's made you feel less than forthright with him, and so you'd like to tell him about the ex you "forgot to mention". Then just tell him the basics - it lasted three years, he was married, it would never have worked, it ended two years ago, you learned a lot from it and moved on. That's really all he needs to know. If he responds badly to the revelation he's not the guy for you. As the bumper sticker says, it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not. It's not about him finding out later and rejecting you. It's about you being able to be your authentic self with him. 2
spice4life Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 It's bugging you, so it needs to be resolved. So I'd tell him - let him know that you really appreciate his honesty with you, and that it's made you feel less than forthright with him, and so you'd like to tell him about the ex you "forgot to mention". Then just tell him the basics - it lasted three years, he was married, it would never have worked, it ended two years ago, you learned a lot from it and moved on. That's really all he needs to know. If he responds badly to the revelation he's not the guy for you. As the bumper sticker says, it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not. It's not about him finding out later and rejecting you. It's about you being able to be your authentic self with him. Thunderbolt, radgast's advice is really good. It's more about you being able to be your authentic self than anything else. You should tell him the way radgast suggests and go from there. If he reacts badly then he isn't the right one for you. If only I had this advice when I first met someone way back when because it would have saved me A LOT of grief. His reaction would have been the same regardless and I would have ended it with him for good A LOT sooner. Best wishes. I hope he turns out to be an understanding guy who will trust what you tell him.
MissBee Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) It's bugging you, so it needs to be resolved. So I'd tell him - let him know that you really appreciate his honesty with you, and that it's made you feel less than forthright with him, and so you'd like to tell him about the ex you "forgot to mention". Then just tell him the basics - it lasted three years, he was married, it would never have worked, it ended two years ago, you learned a lot from it and moved on. That's really all he needs to know. If he responds badly to the revelation he's not the guy for you. As the bumper sticker says, it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not. It's not about him finding out later and rejecting you. It's about you being able to be your authentic self with him. The bolded is really the essence. I like for all things that are important about me to be known relatively early and definitely before I decide we're now in a monogamous relationship. There is no greater peace than knowing that this person is with the 100% authentic you with all your flaws, and you don't have to remember to not let the cat out of the bag or worry that you kept things from them, that if found out will end the relationship. It is so stressful to feel that way.I understand it sometimes seeming like a good idea to do so because you don't want to "mess things up" but truthfully, that means the only reason they are with you is because you omitted things that would have made them not choose you and not because they chose you 100%. If they are meant for you, you can't mess it up by telling them the truth about you. If they aren't, you can keep them for a while under false pretenses or by omitting things, but usually in the end that doesn't work out well either. I'd rather tell a man important things in advance of us deciding to be committed, so that I KNOW that who he is choosing is the person I really am and I don't have to make a big reveal later OR worry about keeping things under wraps...that is just not worth it and are you REALLY a good match for this person if you have to do this? In any case...I strongly believe our own unresolved feelings about our behavior leads us to these kinds of things and we have to be resolved and comfortable in our own skin enough to be authentic and ALLOW people to choose or not choose us based on who we actually are. Edited May 19, 2012 by MissBee
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 You've all been so helpful and I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. All responses have been beneficial and given me much to think about. I'm spending some time with my bf tomorrow night and I now plan on talking about my past if the situation presents itself in a casual manner. You've all emphasized not dwelling on it and making it a dramatic affair. Most of you have expressed the importance of revealing my true self in hopes that my bf will continue to accept me for who I am, who I was and who I aspire to be. Luckily, it's still somewhat early enough in the grand scheme of life where if he rejects the person I am/was, my life won't be shattered. I do believe that regardless of the outcome, I will feel better and more authentic as a person. Amazing how much past mistakes can inspire us to become better people in the long run. Perhaps I've been so accustomed to lying, hiding, fabricating and making shyte up in order to benefit myself while in the A. Unfortunately, this has carried over into relationships that I truly want to be pure and honest. Based on what you've all written, I truly believe that it's important to come clean about my past. A good friend of mine who I've always looked up to once mentioned that "good things happen to good people." She has had a lot of good fortune in her life most likely because she's just a good person and always seems to do the right thing. I feel like my past is such a stain on who I truly want to be. I wish I could rid myself of it permanently but know that it's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. This has been a long road, but I do believe I'm finally finding the silver lining in all of this. I can't believe how much affairs can mess with the overall well being of life -- even years later. I'm thankful for this site and believe that it's helping me get over the final remnants of something I'm so un-proud of. Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to talk this out with me. I will keep you all posted... 2
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Thanks hockeyfan -- you're reassuring me that it's the right decision to come clean. No doubt that a person's past has a good chance of coming back to haunt them. A couple people close to me know all about my past -- therefore, my secret is not truly a secret. I agree with you in the fact of being able to live my life (hopefully a future with him) honestly and not having to worry about covering my tracks or misspeaking about my past. Thanks for the reassurance and insight -- very much appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Could open the conversation as, what's the stupidest thing you've ever done.. And go from there. I do agree, make it simple and little detail. Something like, 'the dumbest thing I did in my life is allow myself to fall for a married man.. Boy if I could go back, I certainly would take another path and RUN.' But own it and make sure HE understands that you are trustworthy and a special person, reguardless of the past.
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Could open the conversation as, what's the stupidest thing you've ever done.. And go from there. I do agree, make it simple and little detail. Something like, 'the dumbest thing I did in my life is allow myself to fall for a married man.. Boy if I could go back, I certainly would take another path and RUN.' But own it and make sure HE understands that you are trustworthy and a special person, reguardless of the past. Perfect. This is a really clever approach. I like it...
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Thunderbolt, your post shows how much you've grown and what a lovely special lady that you are. I hope this man can see what we see. Be proud of who you are and walk tall. The past is behind you. Keep us posted and all the very best to you. Wow -- thanks. Your words are so sweet
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 No.. you should not tell your BF about your past... the past is the past.. If you do then be prepared to be judged thru a different set of eyes than you are familiar with.
frozensprouts Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 from what you say, you dated the married guy two years ago, but it's all over now. That is the past, and it sounds like you have learned and grown since then, and who you were then is not who you are now. the fact that you are wondering about telling your boyfriend would indicate to me that you are an honest person, who want to be upfront with him and true to yourself. that is something to be proud of, and he should consider himself lucky that he's involved with someone who's honest. Telling him about it, that it was in the past and that you have learned and grown so much since then makes sense. if he can't accept that, then perhaps he can't accept you, which is his loss. 2
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Telling him about it, that it was in the past and that you have learned and grown so much since then makes sense. if he can't accept that, then perhaps he can't accept you, which is his loss. Why ? just because someone learns from something doesn't mean you should wear it like a badge of honor. It has a polarizing aspect to it and she very well could shoot herself in the foot, why should she have to use the excuse "Well, it's his loss" after he can't accept it ? I'm not saying lying.. in most relationships as they get stronger you talk about or bring up parts of your past that you might want them to know.. but that doesn't happen before you are committed.
Got it Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I know for myself, just like I would discuss aspects of my marriage, lessons learned, etc I would not be able to hide such an integral part of my history/life. If someone can't accept all of me, good and bad, they are not for me. Everyone has aspects of their past that they may not be proud of but whom am I to judge them? I would want to learn what they took away from the situations and what are the lessons learned. Understanding the "why" would be amazing insight into someone I was getting to know romantically and would be vital information, in my opinion. 2
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) If I was her BF and she mentioned it to me it certainly would make my eyebrow raise.. but in reality the past is the past and what would matter to me the most is the amount of time since the last contact, if it ended 2 years ago then why did the contact happen for the next year + after it stopped, that would be a question on my mind. If contact is still happening they I certainly would wonder if it was over and would she cheat on me with him if we got married. Lesson learned to me would mean NO Contact, Moved on.. but contact has been happening albeit very light contact and it seems 6+ months have gone by but still quite a lot to tell a new BF JMO Edited May 20, 2012 by Art_Critic
wellwhynot Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I think Art Critic makes a good point with the badge of honor reference. A question I have for everyone responding with tell him, tell him, is how many details do you give someone you are currently dating about ANY person you've dated before? I know that the details of past relationships only matter in how they've shaped the person I'm with. I don't need to know that the girlfriend from college had blonde hair and spoke with a faint canadian accent, but I do want and need to know that she used him for his money and it's impacted his view of women and finances. So perhaps if/when you discuss it you can use it to talk about how that experience shaped you as a person and not just "So, yeah, I was involved with a guy for a few years, but yeah he was married. How's your pasta?" I also don't think it makes her untrustworthy that HE was married. It doesn't make HER more likely to cheat if she was single. That's kind of a narrow view and the 2 are completely different. I'm involved with a married man but that doesn't mean that if I took vows I'd be willing to break them. I'm not breaking any now, I made no promises to anyone, and that's a big difference.
MissBee Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I think Art Critic makes a good point with the badge of honor reference. A question I have for everyone responding with tell him, tell him, is how many details do you give someone you are currently dating about ANY person you've dated before? I know that the details of past relationships only matter in how they've shaped the person I'm with. I don't need to know that the girlfriend from college had blonde hair and spoke with a faint canadian accent, but I do want and need to know that she used him for his money and it's impacted his view of women and finances. So perhaps if/when you discuss it you can use it to talk about how that experience shaped you as a person and not just "So, yeah, I was involved with a guy for a few years, but yeah he was married. How's your pasta?" I also don't think it makes her untrustworthy that HE was married. It doesn't make HER more likely to cheat if she was single. That's kind of a narrow view and the 2 are completely different. I'm involved with a married man but that doesn't mean that if I took vows I'd be willing to break them. I'm not breaking any now, I made no promises to anyone, and that's a big difference. Someone dating someone with a Canadian accent and blond hair is not quite the same as dating a married person.The point is, like it or not, in our society this is something that is not a neutral matter and many people have strong feelings about it. Also, someone may very well need to know your views on such a situation. For example, your view is that you made no promises and are not breaking any vows so I guess the A was ok. For me personally, if I dated a man who explains he was in an A and then said that, I'd kindly excuse him out of my life as for me personally, I don't really respect that line of reasoning and I associate particular things with that kind of rationale.It is my right to decide that such rationales and mentalities don't really gel with my worldview and I'd be happy to know this so I'd save myself the trouble. Everything people say, do, or don't do tells us about them and that is why I disagree with Art Critic's theory of the past being the past....your past, how you process it and the story you tell about it now gives A LOT of information about you and that information will help anyone dating you to make decisions about whether or not you're someone for them. My advice, or my experience, is that I don't NEED to tell anyone every detail of who I dated. I have never felt like I HAD to discuss my A...but it was an important thing that happened and just like my bestfriends know about it, not because they HAD to, but because we talk about most things, and it came up, so too, with a boyfriend, we have to have that kind of relationship where we can discuss it. The problem is if it is something you feel is important and bothers you, like Thunder does, how can you date someone whom you feel you need to hide it from so they won't leave you? She needs to be comfortable to put the truth on the line and have someone accept or not accept it;...the problem is when we try to color the truth or omit it altogether so that we can control someone wanting to be with us or not. This is a waste of time...as you either have to pretend your whole relationship, be worried it will found out later etc...or lay all important things to you and about you (and this is for her) on the line and know that this person accepts it so you have a transparent relationship built on the truth. 2
irin Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 okay i didnt read all the posts but to the op: is there any chance of him finding out from anyone else, i.e. did anyone know of your affair, even if they dont directly know you new bf, things always surface down the years from un-expected places. and also did your mm stay married, and you affair stayed unknown to his bs? in case if things might ever turn ugly between your new bf and you he might use your past against you. other than those. i do believe in honesty, but wait till you really know him, and trust him. also please stay away from having anymore affairs.
Got it Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Since I am pretty transparent with my past I would probably tell more than others would choose to. It is a personal choice but I want to know what makes others tick so I would prefer more information than less, but that is just me. I am not here to be anyone than whom I am so "badge of honor" or not, I can't be someone else and not telling about my involvement in my past relationships would be acting as if someone else. I am not going to edit my past for my present relationships. I want to know that I am loved warts and all. 1
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Hello all-- Spent the evening with my bf last night. Almost didn't drop the bomb as we were having such a good night together and didn't want to spoil it. As the night winded down and we settled into a movie on the couch, I just came out and told him that there's been something I've wanted to mention to him. I explained my past situation and was met with a moment of silence. He kind of chuckled and said something under his breath. At that moment, I pretty much figured he disapproved. After asking only a couple questions, he then confessed that there had been something he'd been wanting to tell me and had been dreading it for a couple weeks. He proceeded to tell me about the skeleton in his closet and we were once again on an even playing field. I feel so much better about revealing my past and feel even better that it enabled him to reveal things about his past, as well. It turned out being a win-win situation and I'm now a believer in "the truth shall set you free." Thanks to everyone who gave me so much insight and perspective on this. I'm so happy that this forum has proven to be a productive form of advice. I'm glad I did the right thing. Hopefully this early communication will solidify a solid foundation for us to grow upon. It's been so long since I've felt this way about another man. I thought I'd never recover from the damage and wreckage left behind from mine and xmm's past relationship. For the first time ever, I have some hope for the future. Thanks everyone 4
MissBee Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hello all-- Spent the evening with my bf last night. Almost didn't drop the bomb as we were having such a good night together and didn't want to spoil it. As the night winded down and we settled into a movie on the couch, I just came out and told him that there's been something I've wanted to mention to him. I explained my past situation and was met with a moment of silence. He kind of chuckled and said something under his breath. At that moment, I pretty much figured he disapproved. After asking only a couple questions, he then confessed that there had been something he'd been wanting to tell me and had been dreading it for a couple weeks. He proceeded to tell me about the skeleton in his closet and we were once again on an even playing field. I feel so much better about revealing my past and feel even better that it enabled him to reveal things about his past, as well. It turned out being a win-win situation and I'm now a believer in "the truth shall set you free." Thanks to everyone who gave me so much insight and perspective on this. I'm so happy that this forum has proven to be a productive form of advice. I'm glad I did the right thing. Hopefully this early communication will solidify a solid foundation for us to grow upon. It's been so long since I've felt this way about another man. I thought I'd never recover from the damage and wreckage left behind from mine and xmm's past relationship. For the first time ever, I have some hope for the future. Thanks everyone When you share in that way it does foster more intimacy and helps in creating a relationship that is a safe space with a strong foundation. I'm happy you told him Even if it hadn't gone smoothly, the truth is, you want someone who you can be real with. Luckily, he allowed you to do this. 2
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 So happy for you that you did tell the truth and now you can happily move forward! You are right, the truth does set you free!!! Thanks hockeyfan...
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 When you share in that way it does foster more intimacy and helps in creating a relationship that is a safe space with a strong foundation. I'm happy you told him Even if it hadn't gone smoothly, the truth is, you want someone who you can be real with. Luckily, he allowed you to do this. Thanks for your brutal honesty along the way, MissBee. No doubt that it's very important to be yourself in a relationship -- especially early on -- even if it involves rejection. It sets the stage for the future. It felt very comfortable this morning. Almost as if we had doubled the comfort level. 1
Author Thunderbolt Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Glad to hear you were honest with him - now it's time to block the xMM's email and telephone number. I believe you are right Alice. I think I finally feel strong enough to do so...
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Hello all-- Spent the evening with my bf last night. Almost didn't drop the bomb as we were having such a good night together and didn't want to spoil it. As the night winded down and we settled into a movie on the couch, I just came out and told him that there's been something I've wanted to mention to him. I explained my past situation and was met with a moment of silence. He kind of chuckled and said something under his breath. At that moment, I pretty much figured he disapproved. After asking only a couple questions, he then confessed that there had been something he'd been wanting to tell me and had been dreading it for a couple weeks. He proceeded to tell me about the skeleton in his closet and we were once again on an even playing field. I feel so much better about revealing my past and feel even better that it enabled him to reveal things about his past, as well. It turned out being a win-win situation and I'm now a believer in "the truth shall set you free." Thanks to everyone who gave me so much insight and perspective on this. I'm so happy that this forum has proven to be a productive form of advice. I'm glad I did the right thing. Hopefully this early communication will solidify a solid foundation for us to grow upon. It's been so long since I've felt this way about another man. I thought I'd never recover from the damage and wreckage left behind from mine and xmm's past relationship. For the first time ever, I have some hope for the future. Thanks everyone Telling the truth is a good thing and I'm glad things are good between you two. Now, i need to ask.. have you sent the NC goodbye note to your exMM telling him that you've met someone and it's serious, and it's time to not see or speak to him anymore? this has to happen.
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I believe you are right Alice. I think I finally feel strong enough to do so... Strong or not, it has to happen because you don't want to answer "yes" to the question if your bf asks, "are you still in contact with your exMM?" Or worse, lie to him and say no when in fact you and exMM are still emailing.
Recommended Posts