whichcraft Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I didn't know there was a seperate section for long distance relationships so I am posting this here. I am new so please forgive me. My boyfriend and I are in our mid forties and we are in a long distance relationship. It is hard for me as I am a sensual person and I need intimacy but my boyfriend doesn't understand that. We have been dating for 3 years and for the last 2 years, I have been trying to convince him that marriage is a great idea. We are both divorced and he didn't want to go down that road again. I have read many articles on line about men and dating and I fear that the reason he doesn't want to marry is me and not his personal preference. How can I tell? He doesn't like to talk about his feelings and he keeps getting frustrated or mad when I bring up the subject. We're in our 40's so I need to talk about the subject, especially in a long distance relationship when we hardly see each other. I need to know if there is going to be something substancial down the road. The sucky part is that the last time we saw each other two weeks ago, he told me that he felt like I was cold when I tell him I love him. What does he want from me? In a long distance relationship, I told him the only thing we have between us, before I meet him again for our next two week visit, is our cell phones. How am I supposed to keep the warmth in the relationship if I hardly see him and the only thing we have is texting and talking on the phone? When he comes to my place, he sits in front of the TV and doesn't even plan anything fun to do together. He expects me to already have a plan. He says he would make dinner for me but it's too much trouble. Then he tells me that I feel cold to him? I am exhausted by trying to prove to him that I am this warm person who does love him but this long distance relationship is taking a lot out of me. I love him but what do I do? It's like he has a wall up. Can you love someone and still let them go? What advice can you give? Thanks.
TMichaels Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) When he comes to my place, he sits in front of the TV and doesn't even plan anything fun to do together. He expects me to already have a plan. He says he would make dinner for me but it's too much trouble. Then he tells me that I feel cold to him? I am exhausted by trying to prove to him that I am this warm person who does love him but this long distance relationship is taking a lot out of me. Say what??!!! Does he expect you to kneel on your hands and knees next to the sofa so he can put his beer can and ashtray on your backside so he doesn't need to move his sorry @ss from the couch when his favorite NASCAR race is on the tube, too? <shaking head> The sucky part is that the last time we saw each other two weeks ago, he told me that he felt like I was cold when I tell him I love him. What does he want from me? In a long distance relationship, I told him the only thing we have between us, before I meet him again for our next two week visit, is our cell phones. How am I supposed to keep the warmth in the relationship if I hardly see him and the only thing we have is texting and talking on the phone? Hint: Favorite cop-out of the spineless, selfish and disinterested. Consider it a cousin of the food 'ol reliable "it's not you, it's me" excuse, but in my mind far more manipulative and informative if you'd just take off the rose-colored glasses and pay attention to what the messenger is saying through actions rather than (a lack of) words. I have read many articles on line (sic) about men and dating and I fear that the reason he doesn't want to marry is me and not his personal preference. Yep. You nailed it. This guy has no intention of marrying you or perhaps anyone. *He is* interested in having his cake and eating too, and you're spoiling all his fun by being "serious" and expecting after three years to be able to broach the logical subject of "Hey, what's the game plan, here?" I love him but what do I do? It's like he has a wall up. A wall? LOL He's such a slacker that I'm willing to bet *even that* is too much effort. I'm sure he'd be of the opinion it's not him that has built a wall -- it's you. Second hint: See cop-out above. AKA: "If I lay the blame at someone else's feet, I don't have to accept any responsibility for my actions. Plus, there's a chance I'll get away with it as she's so desperate she'll put up with anything including starting to doubt herself and believe my self-serving bull**** rather than risking losing me." Sorry, I hate to break it to you, but from what you've written this guy sure doesn't sound like a keeper. In fact, I'd say it's safe to say that's the understatement of the year. So forget the long-distance part for a second and ask yourself this... If this guy lived around the corner and acted like he does, would you tolerate his behavior for five minutes or would you kick him to the curb? Geez, I hope your answer will be you'd get rid of this idiot so fast it would make his head spin! But just in case it isn't, let me ask it another way: What in heck are you doing putting up with this level of disrespect and lack of attention/affection from a Neanderthal like him? Are you really that hard-up or think that little of yourself? You keep mentioning how old you are. Is that what's really up here? You're getting to the point that you figure your options are limited, and "something is better than nothing." Nope, not true. In fact, BIG time mistake no matter how old you are to ever settle for less than you deserve. Don't know how much or how little you think of yourself or if you believe you deserve to be treated like crap, so I'll ask it one more different way: If this is the way this guy is acting when the two of you are dating (a period when most people are on their best behavior) are you willing and prepared for a lifetime of living to please him, never quite measuring up, having your thoughts/feelings/desires disregarded or belittled continually and/or enduring some other form of abuse? Third hint: If you think things will get better or that you're going to change him, it ain't gonna happen -- at least in any permanent, lasting and meaningful way. And last hint: If you're thinking "I've already invested three years of my life in this relationship, I can't or won't admit defeat as that would mean I really was a fool and a loser" then get that idea out of your head R I G H T N O W. You haven't made a mistake *yet.* You went into the relationship with hopes and aspirations. You spent three years feeling things out and it's obvious you and this guy aren't on the same page. "The Mistake" would be to continue to think there's any sort of viable, healthy future with this guy. IOW, the clock hasn't been ticking the last three years, but it's started ticking, now. So instead kicking yourself for the time you've "wasted" or spending one second more on thoughts of "if only"... You need to come to grips with the fact that this guy has done you a tremendous favor -- by showing you exactly who he is and what your life with him will be like BEFORE you waste any more of your time. Can you love someone and still let them go? Yep. But, that's not the most important question or "take-away" you should learn from the last three years. You need to realize in order to achieve your objective and marry, you need to learn to love yourself, first and more. Until you do, you'll be stuck with this loser or attract others like him. You deserve better. Everyone does. Work on believing and knowing that, and you'll find "Mr. Right" and will wonder why you ever thought it was okay to settle for "Mr. (Self-righteous) Right Now." HTH, TMichaels Edited May 18, 2012 by TMichaels 1
FitChick Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Long distance isn't the real problem. If he lived nearby he'd probably treat you the same. 2
shorty7 Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 You want marriage, he doesn't. It doesn't take long to figure out who's fighting the uphill battle here. The distance isn't the problem, in fact, it's not even part of the equation between the problems that define what's going on between you two. You two have totally different expectations, and that needs to be discussed. Good luck. Let go while you still can. 1
justwhoiam Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 It is hard for me as I am a sensual person and I need intimacy but my boyfriend doesn't understand that. Does that mean that he doesn't need any alone time with you? I have been trying to convince him that marriage is a great idea. We are both divorced and he didn't want to go down that road again. You can't cancel a bad experience. You can create a positive one though. Proposing marriage to someone who's not into it is not a good idea. I have read many articles on line about men and dating and I fear that the reason he doesn't want to marry is me and not his personal preference. How can I tell? He doesn't like to talk about his feelings and he keeps getting frustrated or mad when I bring up the subject. For the little I have read about your story, it doesn't sound too exciting. So, he's not into marriage to begin with, and if the relationship with you tends to get less and less exciting, it's also about you. What does he want from me? Did you ask him? When he comes to my place, he sits in front of the TV and doesn't even plan anything fun to do together. He expects me to already have a plan. If I got it right, you two hook up twice a month, and I guess once it's you going to his place and once him coming to your place. So what happens when/if you go to his place? Does he have plans for you? Maybe he's expecting you to have plans for him when he gets there. Usually, when you play away, who plays at home knows places and things to do... Anyway, since you talk on the phone for 2 weeks before meeting up, you can discuss that and decide what to do. The thing shouldn't be too unbalanced, but one of you might be more creative than the other. That happens.
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