Drop Dead Fred Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Okay I met this girl using an online service and we really hit it off. We talked for like 8 hours the other day and she's really awesome and totally into me. Then I find out yesterday that she's 17. She told me of course; didn't try hiding it. I thought she was 18 going on 19 next month because the service's age system won't allow for ages younger than 18; but she's really 17 going on 18, just graduated from highschool. I just turned 24 last month. Is this weird? I have no idea what to do now. She says she's dated people with the same age difference (6 years, 2 months) before, so she's totally okay with it, but I'm feeling a little uneasy. Please advise... =(
udecided Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 i do think there is a bit of an ethical delima here because it is such an extreme in the sence of life experience. however i have a story. i was 19 and worked in a factory, going on my second year of college, had a crush on a girl that worked there as well, she worked for her dad that owned a parts manufacturer. she was too young to work for the plant, but not her dad. she was 16 turning 17. i had a problem as i felt i was 19, in canada i could legally do more things than her such as gamble and drink go to events etc. and i had a problem with the alure of college guys to highschool girls, and i had a problem not with the amount of years there were different but that it was 16 to 19 at the time. we talked i liked her she liked me but her birthday was coming up soon, i was in school full time by then, summer was coimng up i decided to put it off until i could dedicate more time, have more fun, she would be 17 and i would feel better about the whole thing. she stopped calling i stopped calling. she didnt show up for work when summer started. she was killed by a train shortly after and i didnt know. i regretted the whole thing. i believe i missed out and at the time i thought my actions would have changed it somehow. but thats what happened. i do though, see a bit of an ethical delimma in your case because of the age. not just the way other people see it or morally. sure you hit it off online... maybe it wont work so well in actual practice.
lnichols Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Okay, if you are comfortable dating someone this young, then that might be oksy. But what about her parents? She's still a minor and I am sure they wont' be thrilled to hear about how their baby girl met you. Or about the age difference. I may be wrong. The other thing is, if she lied abouther age, what else might she be keeping from you? I've dated on line. I even met my husband that way. It is a great place to meet people, make friends. But I had to sort through a lot of clowns! I even read somewhere that 30% of people dating on line are married. Not to steal your thread, but has anyone out there got any online dating stories, good or bad, to share? We might all learn a thing or two.
Pyrannaste Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 A few years ago I put up a profile on matches.com ....it's amazing how many people lie about thier ages...and assume other people are lying about them too. I was 22 at the time. I said I was interested in 20-27 years old guys. A few 30+ guys contacted me....thinking I was lying about my age too! There are people on dating sites who lie about everything, but it is funny how everyone seems to find age lies acceptable. back to the original post...I think it would be better to wait until she is 18 if you are really still interested in meeting her. Or have her talk to her parents, have her tell them everything, and speak to them on the phone before meeting her. Basically I think you should ask her parents'permission to meet her. Possibly meet her AND her parents the first time you get together. I think that when you are 17-24 the age difference is really big though.
Drop Dead Fred Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 No she didn't lie; the dating thing wouldn't let her put her real age. I assumed that she was 18 going on 19 because that's what her profile said, but when I asked a question about college the issue came up and she told me without hesitation. And she says her parents don't care (which I'm a little worried about, because she seems neglected by them; they probably don't care about a lot of things). I'm just afraid that she might be playing me or something; I know young girls are attracted to age for some reason; and I don't want her to realise she made a mistake later on. I dunno. My sister and her husband are like 7-8 years apart, but she was 24 when she met him.
lnichols Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Okay, so maybe she likes older guys. I don't know, dude. Maybe you should be careful that you aren't adopting a little sister or something. Look at it this way. What do you have in common? What kinds of things do you like to do as a 24 year old that she can't participate in as a 17 year old? She can't even vote yet! A lot of girls (including me when I was that age) think that "older" guys are cool because 17 year old guys are still a little goofy. But she does have a lot more growing up to do. I was a totally different person at 24 than I was at 17. I was married by then, with a college degree and a child. And a car payment, and a mortgage... One matures quickly! When I was 17, all I cared about was going to school, who was gonna take me to the prom and, yes, dating older guys! And I did marry a guy who was 7 years older than me. We were married for 13 years. I married him when I was 22, though. (yea right, big difference!) Who knows. Meet her and see what happens. Have you told your friends about her? What do they think?
faux Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Until she is 18, a relationship with her would be illegal. If you're talking to her online I don't see a problem in just chatting, but I wouldn't take it any step further until she is legal. Even if you never become intimate with her, if someone else suspects, or if she decides to lie about it, you could possibly get jail time. I'm 22, and I think most 18 year olds are too young for me, as a lot happens between 18 and 21.
Drop Dead Fred Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Originally posted by lnichols Okay, so maybe she likes older guys. I don't know, dude. Maybe you should be careful that you aren't adopting a little sister or something. Look at it this way. What do you have in common? What kinds of things do you like to do as a 24 year old that she can't participate in as a 17 year old? She can't even vote yet! A lot of girls (including me when I was that age) think that "older" guys are cool because 17 year old guys are still a little goofy. But she does have a lot more growing up to do. I was a totally different person at 24 than I was at 17. I was married by then, with a college degree and a child. And a car payment, and a mortgage... One matures quickly! When I was 17, all I cared about was going to school, who was gonna take me to the prom and, yes, dating older guys! And I did marry a guy who was 7 years older than me. We were married for 13 years. I married him when I was 22, though. (yea right, big difference!) Who knows. Meet her and see what happens. Have you told your friends about her? What do they think? Basically the advice I'm getting is "It's not too weird, but just be very careful", and one told me "run screaming for the hills". I dunno. We have a lot in common; I don't like to drink or anything so that's not a problem. We like movies and music. According to my therapist, I'm emotionally on the level of a teenager because I've never been in a relationship with anyone before, so technically we've both got a lot of growing up to do. I dunno.
Drop Dead Fred Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Originally posted by faux Until she is 18, a relationship with her would be illegal. If you're talking to her online I don't see a problem in just chatting, but I wouldn't take it any step further until she is legal. Even if you never become intimate with her, if someone else suspects, or if she decides to lie about it, you could possibly get jail time. I'm 22, and I think most 18 year olds are too young for me, as a lot happens between 18 and 21. Yeah I definitely made it clear I would not dare touch her until her 18th birthday, and I'm not even sure we should even meet until then either. For now we've decided to REALLY get to know each other before moving on to anything like that.
lnichols Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Well, then it is up to you! You two might really hit it off. Just be careful.
lnichols Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 I thing that in the states there are different ages where kids under 18 can marry... WITH parental consent. But anyone under 18 is a minor and the parent(s) is the legal guardian.
Jonny Madness Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 All this "legal age" business is completely insane, and indicative of our paternalistic, controlling establishment. NOBODY will ever tell me who I can and can't fall in love with. When I was 20, I found out that a cute little high school girl had a crush on me. She was 16, and I turned 21 2 weeks before she turned 17! We fell in love with each other and had a wonderful 4 year relationship that I'll always feel was one of the best times of my life. We were great together, and the age difference was not an issue. I've always been MORE mature for my age, so you'd think that it wouldn't have worked. Human emotions cannot be legislated. Sure, many older guys are jerks, but just as many younger guys are jerks too. Bad things happen in this world, we just can't make laws for every bad thing that happens. They can't make it illegal for a snake to bite you, if you put yourself in that kind of a risk situation - then YOU have responsibility for the consequences. These laws are the governments way to replace proper parenting. In my situation, there was no law to worry about because the legal age of consent in Canada is 14. But, in the US, I would have been guilty of statutory rape! For being in love! Imagine the government taking away a person's right to choose when they want to have sex!!! It is infuriating, and even moreso that the masses of brainwashed sheep accept this and other kinds of oppression.....and even SUPPORT it! Society as a whole has become so docile that the establishment can get away with anything nowadays. As far advice for Drop Dead Fred, I say there are only 2 opinions that matter, yours and hers. She could be too immature to know what she'd getting into, and she may get hurt. But, as we all know, it ain't only young people who get hurt in relationships, lol. That's the risk we all take. Care about her, and act in her best interest, and you'll be fine. Jonny Madness
lnichols Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 If I had a daughter, I would be very interested in the age of the person she were dating. I think that the legal age in the US is a good thing. It prevents older people from taking advantage of teens who can be very impressionable. It also protects kids from pedophiles, (Not saying that you are one Johnny Maddness). Teens come in all different varieties, and I am sure that some are way more mature than others and able to handle a relationship with someone on their 20's. Then, too, lots of people in their 20's are immature for their ages. I guess it depends on the person. I'm just glad that there is a legal age that protects kids. The key here is parental involvement. I want to meet the girls my son is dating, and I want to meet parents, we well.
XCorvidophiliaX Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I just wanted to write in my opinion. When I met my fiance I had just turned 18 years old, we clicked right away and age just didn't come up for a week or so. When I found out he had just turned 32, I didn't even care that he was 14 years older than me because it was the conversation that mattered, how well we got along. We have been together for a year and a half and have a beautiful baby boy and are to be married next year. You never know where you are going to find love. I would definately heed the caution of any laws in your state and possibly speak with her parents before doing anything sexual but until then have fun with your relationship, you never know she might be the one.
Jonny Madness Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Well, if I ever have a daughter or a son, I will be most interested in the character of her/his partner. The law doesn't protect society against pedophiles, I hear about it happening all the time, and that's just a tiny percentage. I think part of the problem is the growth hormones in our food. Girls are maturing physically at very young ages, but they are not mentally prepared to be "sexy". What happens when you are 10, and EVERY male looks you up and down with lust in his eyes. It's a natural reaction. I can't ask for a picture ID before deciding if I find a girl sexy or not, lol. It's a biological reaction that I will never try to hide, apologize for, or feel guilty for. What IS controllable is how I decide to act, which is where morals and personal values come into play. When I was 20 and dating a 16 year old, her parents warned her that I was probably more experienced and expecting a more sexual relationship than she was. The fact was, I was a virgin and she was not! After they got to know me, they loved me too, and vice versa. It's been 5 years since we broke up, but I still speak to her parents on occassion. A lot of overprotective Dad's ruin their daughter's chances to be happy by being prejudiced over age, sex, religion, social class, race, etc. Her Dad saw that nothing mattered to me more than making her happy. Being a "long haired metal head" on top of the age difference would definately cause most Dad's to cringe, but that's because we're a society of narrow minded bigots. Jonny Madness
lnichols Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 I don't know if it is growth hormones in the food, but man! Do I ever see a lot of really mature looking girls around the middle and even elementary school when I pick up my son! I see it in the boys, too. When my son was playing baseball in the 5th grade there were guys on that team that looked like they could shave! How do you grow a kid like that??? My kids are LITTLE!!! I also think that society places a lot of pressure on kids to grow up quick, especially girls. Have you been in a department store and looked at some of the clothes for little girls? It is like smaller women's clothing, and I mean with just as much sex apeal. They even have thongs for little girls!! I don't know what I would do if I had a daughter except to try to teach her that the best thing she can do is not to give in to pressure to try to grow up quickly. I had a woman tell me once, "When you have a boy, you only have to worry about one *****. When you have a girl, you have to worry about every ***** in town!"
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