Deciding your fate

[joshkeyes]

I met my fiance a year and a half ago in Nashville. She has two children and lives in Fort Myers, FL. I live in Laurel, MS, which is twelve hours away. We have always known that someone would have to move for this to work. Last December I decided the best thing to do was to man up and move down there. I left a teaching job, strong family ties, and lifelong friendships. I did not care because she means the world to me. She told me once I was there that she wanted to move to Mississippi, which was the plan always, but the relocation in the courts was taking too long and seemed to be wearing here down. I told her that I was stay there and we would go to court and see what happens. That way at least we would be there together no matter what the court decision was. I settled in and started looking for jobs. The only place that called me back was Wal-Mart. I took the job as a Deli Associate. Needless to say it was not my dream job but I weathered through it. My social life became non existent as I had no friends and most of the time I watched two children that were not my own. I love them the best I can but I can tell you it is hard. Her family is very wealthy, or at least the grandfather is. The rest of the family, mom, sister, and grandmother all do nothing and live off of him basically. My fiance is a nurse practioner and provides well for herself but her family built her a beautiful home, bought all her vehicles, and tries to control all aspect of her life. They treated me like I was an outcast and shunned me in most aspects. They began talking about me behind my back, saying that the way I was handling the children and other things was wrong. We would go to dinner and I was like a sore sight for them as I was never spoken too or acknowledged. When my fiance was not there and I was alone, I would go watch movies by myself to pass time. I tried meeting people there but to know avail. This continued on for threee months until my unhappiness began to wear on my fiance and myself's relationship. The final straw was when my family came to visit me and her family would not come and meet them. My fiance ask her mother point blank if she would come meet them and she point blank said no. This confirmed that I was not crazy and they truly did not want me there. I could not take it anymore and informed my fiance that I had to go home or our relationship was going to end. I came home and decided to try and run my father's electrical business. It is a great job where i can make my own hours and make a great living. My fiance realized how bad it was there for me, and this small post cannot explain how truly unhappy i was. I did not want to be it is just how it was. Our relationship was not the problem, it was so many other things. She made me happy but the rest of my surrounding were terrible. After I came home she went through with the court case and lost. It was a total shock considering the evidence against the ex and how the move could benefit everyone. My fiance offered a substanitial amount of time improvements for the ex to spend with the kids as well. Yet we still lost. Now i am stuck with the decision to return to the place that was so terrible for me, or lose the love of my life. I will have no career there, no friends or family, and the only support i will have is her. I will also have to children that are not mine. If i leave here again i will lose everything except for her. I know i committed to her when i ask her to marry me but she loved it here and would have only gained by coming here. She admits that here family does not like me. They told her that i was a mistake and that i was not the one for her. If i go there i will only have her and the rest of my surroundings are not going to change from last time. She tells me it will be different and is almost begging for me to come back now. I know where she is coming from and understand. I just dont know what to do. This is my home with family, friends, and career. I love my home it is all i have ever known and will lose all of that once i go back. They know how much i hated it there and since i have already been, they think it is dumb to go back and expect different results. On the other hand, my fiance is the love of my life. I dont know what to do without her. She is my best friend and i feel like i am letting her down if i do not go back. She sees it as she was going to sacrifice everything for me and that i wont do the same for her, even though i did it once already. So please someone tell me not what to do, but what would you do if you had the same decision on deciding your fate?

[TMichaels]

She sees it as she was going to sacrifice everything for me .and that i wont do the same for her, even though i did it once already.

 

How does she figure that, exactly?

 

She lost the "court case" (which I assume was to allow her to move out of state with her kids which I'm sure her ex- and family were not in favor of), so what exactly is she sacrificing?

 

Staying put right where she is, and cutting her family out of her life?

 

Sorry, but fat chance of that happening.

 

From what you wrote, it sounds as though she hasn't made any significant effort to stand up for you and tell them to take a hike -- and I doubt she ever will.

 

Face it. Nearly everything she has "of value" in her life has been given to her by her family. I really doubt they're just dying for someone else to "take over" their obligation. They're comfortable with the arrangement and so is she regardless of what she says or else she'd be doing something about it.

 

Actions always speak louder than words. Remember that.

 

If what you wrote is accurate, she didn't lift a finger to pave the way for you to start a new life (with her) where she lives.

 

-- You say you couldn't find a job. What did she do to help?

-- You say you had no social life/had no friends. Why wasn't she introducing you into her circle of friends?

-- You say your days were relegated to watching her kids and then being bad-mouthed behind your back by her family about how you were handling that role. Where was she in this arrangement? Certainly she was agreeable to you watching them and where was she/what did she say when "the &^%$" hit the fan with her family?

 

Sod all, apparently. And, it wasn't until you went home after you and your family suffered through the indignity of *her family* refusing to even meet them that she realized how bad things really were for you when you were there for several months?

 

C'mon, is this woman 12 years-old, or is she really that much of a self-absorbed princess?

 

Now she has the gall to try and make you feel *she's* the only one who's been sacrificing -- and the fact you gave up a good paying job, your home, friends/family, etc. to make things work in her home town counts for absolutely nothing?

 

From the way you've described things, I'm sorry, but it sounds as though it's the latter -- and the only thing she seems to be willing to sacrifice, is you.

 

The truth is, even if you think she's the love of your life, people are a package deal. You get the whole enchilada (kids, family obligations, dynamics and other baggage) whether you like it or not. Not saying that it's not possible to overcome these things, but it takes two.

 

I honestly don't think she's up to it. I do however, think she (and perhaps you to an extent), are very good at living in lal-la land and not very adept at dealing with the facts of life and reality.

 

I know you've invested a lot of time, energy, money and emotion into this relationship, but sometimes you just have to realize as much as you'd like a dream to come true, you have to get your head out of the clouds, face the music, cut your losses and call it a day.

 

All that aside, you sound like a great guy and believe me, there are plenty of woman out there who if you made the same overtures as you did for this woman, would be moving heaven and earth to make room for you in their lives.

 

So don't give up -- but do give up on this one. Her family may not think you're worthy of their princess, but believe me, they're the real losers -- literally and figuratively. They simply don't deserve someone as devoted, self-sacrificing, and well-intentioned as you.

 

This time, "man up" and stand your ground. No matter how much she begs, chalk it up to experience and stay put.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

P.S. You'll get more responses on the forum if it makes it easy for people to help. Next time you post, resist the temptation to write "a wall of text" by breaking your message up in paragraphs...

Edited May 17, 2012 by TMichaels

[joshkeyes]

Thank you TMichaels!!

 

I think that you are right i guess i just don't want you to be.

 

We have tried so hard at this relationship and now just for someone to tell us that it cant happen, is hard to swallow.

 

She has told me that she would move across town to be away from her family. She also says that things would be different.

 

I feel so bad because i can tell she is grasping at straws finding anyway to make this work. I dont know how to tell the one woman in my life that its over because I cant come back.

 

But thank you anyway bud, I manned up once to move there. I guess i have to man up again and break two hearts.

[FitChick]

You're a teacher but don't know how to make paragraphs? I stopped reading when I got a headache.

[joshkeyes]

Sorry I didn't paragraph for you. I was a history teacher. But thanks for the help though. You really helped me out a lot.