Things to consider when dating a single parent

May 17, 2012

I've been talking to this single mom, however, I do date single mom's...but I'm discovering I might have to make certain exceptions on to the KIND of single mom I should or should not date.....perhaps you have these considering dating single parents:

1. (Big one here) the behavior of the child.

2. Whether the parent has full or part time custody, if she has full custody, you might have issues dating her, because of time constraints.

3. Dating a single parent might mean have to forgoing date nights for

a. Supervising sleep overs of her child's friends

b. Soccer mom and little league activities

c. Den mother duties

Basically, having to deal with the mother's involvement in her own child's social life. Hey, it's great that they have a social life , but.....not so great when it comes to date night.

4. Ages of the children, if they're teenagers or have left the nest, they're usually doing some dating of their own by that age. Young children tend to take up a lot of time.

If the're part time single parents, then at least you can have a weekend together or week. If the kids are brats, well.....it's easy to walk out of that one.

If anyone cares to add to this list, send it on over.

May 17, 2012

The list kind of made me giggle.

As a single mom, I would throw in there that guys need to watch out for how soon she introduces the kids and on what terms. You can tell a whole lot about a woman by how willing she is to expose her kids to a new guy.

May 17, 2012

I'd like to add that even if the single parent does not have full-time custody, be prepared for that to possibly happen in the future. I have seen many people marry a guy who only had the kids every other weekend, then mom passes away or for some reason has to give up custody and all of a sudden the twice-a-month stepmom is turned into a full-time stepparent.

In other words, don't enter a LTR assuming that the amount of the time the parent has with the child will never change.

May 17, 2012

I'd skip on moms. They'll use their kids as an excuse to devote less time to the relationship when they aren't in the mood. If you make the mistake of having a child with her then your child will most likely end up playing second fiddle to her first children just as you are.

May 17, 2012

The 'crazy' ex and her 'demands' including dropping the kids off lastminute even when it's off-schedule
Being polite to his ex, despite all the 'crazy' stuff she's done (which you've heard about from him and/or seen for yourself)
Be prepared for someone who is against re-marrying/having more kids, if they went through a bad divorce
His guilt means he puts the kids first every single time, especially if he hardly sees them, and even on your birthday
Be prepared for lots of kid level activities when you see him and he has the kids
If he has the kids, you might not get a say in how you spend your time, where you go, what you eat, etc.
Bad behaviour from the kids and daddy defending them, making you look like the bad person who is being unreasonable
Daughters who have trouble letting go of daddy and compete with you for his attention
He's short on money because most of it goes to his ex, so dates may be limited or mostly consist of pizza and a beer at his place if he's not that imaginative or just after no-commitment sex
Might be living with his mom (no privacy) or in less than desirable accommodation because he's short on money
His friends and family viewing you with suspicion because they think that you're just going to break his heart like his ex did

May 17, 2012

His friends and family viewing you with suspicion because they think that you're just going to break his heart like his ex did

How many times have you done that though? Have you lost count by now?

May 17, 2012

If anyone cares to add to this list, send it on over.

As a single parent myself, my list is a little different. I have no interest in a man who seems to have significantly more interest in other things verse seeing their child - if they only see their child a few hours a week, I don't care how much time they have for me because I will quickly have none for them. That is extremely digusting to me.

Young children is favorable to me - both because young children accept new partners more easily and because I am young myself and hope to have more children. Someone with an almost grown family is not likely to desire that.

That they get along with their ex no matter what went on to precipitate the breakup. If someone can't coparent without constant drama, there is immaturity or something there. Honestly, I don't care if their wife slept with his best friend, it's a negative on her as a person but it shouldn't interfere with the best decisions being made for the child and I would not be interested in somebody who did not realize that.

May 17, 2012

It's very simple, either you are comfortable being a father figure, and you truly enjoy kids, OR you DON'T date a single mother. Your list is basic and it's short, and it's selfish. I don't mean selfish in a mean way, I mean if those are things you see as challenges, then you are a guy who is looking to enjoy his child free life. GOOD FOR YOU! Everyone is entitled not to want kids, be around kids, and if this is you God Bless You for knowing it and being honest about it. Because after all, the last thing a child from a divorced family needs around is a man/woman dating their parent that doesn't have any interest in them. I know, I came from that environment.

Dating a single mom means taking the kids when she can't, cooking them dinner, helping with laundry, going to their sporting events, jumping off their mother when you are trying to find time to have sex and they all decide they want to play inside now...... and that is merely a warm up. I wouldn't have traded my relationship with my ex and her 3 boys for anything, but I loved all four of them, and there wasn't anything in life I wanted to do more than hang out with all of them. I didn't "give up " anything to date my single mother ex, but I certain "gained" a wonderful family. If you can't see yourself ever saying that, stick with childless partners.

Edited May 17, 2012 by fucpcg

May 17, 2012

It's very simple, either you are comfortable being a father figure, and you truly enjoy kids, OR you DON'T date a single mother. Your list is basic and it's short, and it's selfish. I don't mean selfish in a mean way, I mean if those are things you see as challenges, then you are a guy who is looking to enjoy his child free life. GOOD FOR YOU! Everyone is entitled not to want kids, be around kids, and if this is you God Bless You for knowing it and being honest about it. Because after all, the last thing a child from a divorced family needs around is a man/woman dating their parent that doesn't have any interest in them. I know, I came from that environment.

Dating a single mom means taking the kids when she can't, cooking them dinner, helping with laundry, going to their sporting events, jumping off their mother when you are trying to find time to have sex and they all decide they want to play inside now...... and that is merely a warm up. I wouldn't have traded my relationship with my ex and her 3 boys for anything, but I loved all four of them, and there wasn't anything in life I wanted to do more than hang out with all of them. I didn't "give up " anything to date my single mother ex, but I certain "gained" a wonderful family. If you can't see yourself ever saying that, stick with childless partners.

Every time you post about your ex, I wonder why you aren't still together!

This is such a great post about dating a single parent. Bravo!

May 17, 2012

Every time you post about your ex, I wonder why you aren't still together!

This is such a great post about dating a single parent. Bravo!

Thanku =)

If my ex would talk to me, I am sure we would be together. But I had a period of time where I didn't do so well with her, and she walked, and 1 year 3 months later she still won't talk to me. I am not without her by choice.

May 17, 2012

I've been talking to this single mom, however, I do date single mom's...but I'm discovering I might have to make certain exceptions on to the KIND of single mom I should or should not date.....perhaps you have these considering dating single parents:

1. (Big one here) the behavior of the child.
2. Whether the parent has full or part time custody, if she has full custody, you might have issues dating her, because of time constraints.
3. Dating a single parent might mean have to forgoing date nights for

a. Supervising sleep overs of her child's friends
b. Soccer mom and little league activities
c. Den mother duties

Basically, having to deal with the mother's involvement in her own child's social life. Hey, it's great that they have a social life , but.....not so great when it comes to date night.

4. Ages of the children, if they're teenagers or have left the nest, they're usually doing some dating of their own by that age. Young children tend to take up a lot of time.

If the're part time single parents, then at least you can have a weekend together or week. If the kids are brats, well.....it's easy to walk out of that one.

If anyone cares to add to this list, send it on over.

I think you missed the most important bit. If you take the R to the next level, you will be a parent by default too, and you have to be sure you're prepared to do that. It's not just 'dealing with the other person's involvement' - that will likely be the least of it. Most people have obligations outside their relationship, it isn't just localized to single parents. Being part of the parenthood team is a huge deal though.

May 17, 2012

Hm, I see you're point, it might also mean living under the same roof as the young children.

Well, there's some women around my age that have kids that are 18 or older, (empty nesters). Or just date childless women I suppose....I've come across some my age, though kind of rare.

I think you missed the most important bit. If you take the R to the next level, you will be a parent by default too, and you have to be sure you're prepared to do that. It's not just 'dealing with the other person's involvement' - that will likely be the least of it. Most people have obligations outside their relationship, it isn't just localized to single parents. Being part of the parenthood team is a huge deal though.

May 18, 2012

The list kind of made me giggle.

As a single mom, I would throw in there that guys need to watch out for how soon she introduces the kids and on what terms. You can tell a whole lot about a woman by how willing she is to expose her kids to a new guy.

Oh boy I can soooo relate to that.

Not even the second date and she had two of her Sons going with us on dates (third is on his own but just barely).

At one time we almost broke up because of this because she kept bringing her kid over to my house without checking with me first instead of leaving him at home or with relatives. He is 13. She was basically force feeding him into our relationship even though there really was no need for it at that time. My take on it was that she was looking for a new Daddy for Jr so I said some things that hurt her feelings.

Fast forward two years: Ironically, we are getting married soon and her kid has lived with me since October. We seem to get along fine. It's all about boundries. My one fear is that he will wind up living on my couch well past his 20th birthday so one boundry I told her and him both was that once he reaches 18 and graduates, he is out of here. No if and or buts! If he doesnt have a job and moves out I will drop him to his biological fathers place.

Loser deadbeat dad is now almost a year behind on child support so by the time the kid is 18 this idiot will owe me and my Wife his life. At least the good part is that his father no longer contacts my Fiancee. He spends barely any time with his boy and jumps from job to job trying to outrun the OAG. And nobody knows where he really lives. I am at least thankful that he is no onger constantly interfering in our relationship like he did early on.

That in itself is almost worth not getting the CS payments.

She was not the first women with kids that I dated. Been through that before. But at the time I was 48 and the dating pool was a bit devoid of eligible women my age that didnt have kids.

One thing to remember is that the kids in her mind will always be number one. Thats fine by me but I told her that they will not be number one once the last one leaves the nest. I will be number one.

Discipline is a tough one. Our agreement is that he is her kid so she disciplines him. Once he starts to either ignore her discipline or starts raising his voice to her (he has done this) then I step in. We both agreed that if things get out of hand to the point where even I cant handle him that we will make arrangements for him to spend time with his non-caring Daddy. That should give the boy a wake up call.

I spent 20 years raising my wonderful Son so I dont mind helping another 5 years for hers if he cooperates. Time will tell. But sometimes she doesnt help the situation any when she treats him like an 8 year old baby. He is now 14 and needs to start acting like it. He is overweight, eats way too much and plays video games 99.9% of his time. I will hate to see what he turns into in another 4 years but I will not stand by and let him turn into an unemployed 300Lbs video playing 20 year old with zero ambition if I can help it. It depends on whether she will let me put the boot up his butt if that happens.

I love the woman and I think it will all be fine. But honestly, knowing what I know now, if I ever had to date again I would avoid single moms like the plaigue unless they are grown and moved out.

Sorry for the long posting, but I can sooo relate to this thread.

May 18, 2012

irc333

Serious question here. What benefit would you possibly gain from dating a single mother?

May 18, 2012

Hm, maybe I should stick with late 30's grandma's that have children that have a spouse. LOL

Basically date late 30's or little older women who had been through the gambit of raising their kids.

I meet a lot of women that age that have adult children.

AT my age it's either 40 year old women with 8 year olds, or 40 year old women with 20 year old kids. lol

Oh boy I can soooo relate to that.

Not even the second date and she had two of her Sons going with us on dates (third is on his own but just barely).

At one time we almost broke up because of this because she kept bringing her kid over to my house without checking with me first instead of leaving him at home or with relatives. He is 13. She was basically force feeding him into our relationship even though there really was no need for it at that time. My take on it was that she was looking for a new Daddy for Jr so I said some things that hurt her feelings.

Fast forward two years: Ironically, we are getting married soon and her kid has lived with me since October. We seem to get along fine. It's all about boundries. My one fear is that he will wind up living on my couch well past his 20th birthday so one boundry I told her and him both was that once he reaches 18 and graduates, he is out of here. No if and or buts! If he doesnt have a job and moves out I will drop him to his biological fathers place.

Loser deadbeat dad is now almost a year behind on child support so by the time the kid is 18 this idiot will owe me and my Wife his life. At least the good part is that his father no longer contacts my Fiancee. He spends barely any time with his boy and jumps from job to job trying to outrun the OAG. And nobody knows where he really lives. I am at least thankful that he is no onger constantly interfering in our relationship like he did early on.
That in itself is almost worth not getting the CS payments.

She was not the first women with kids that I dated. Been through that before. But at the time I was 48 and the dating pool was a bit devoid of eligible women my age that didnt have kids.

One thing to remember is that the kids in her mind will always be number one. Thats fine by me but I told her that they will not be number one once the last one leaves the nest. I will be number one.

Discipline is a tough one. Our agreement is that he is her kid so she disciplines him. Once he starts to either ignore her discipline or starts raising his voice to her (he has done this) then I step in. We both agreed that if things get out of hand to the point where even I cant handle him that we will make arrangements for him to spend time with his non-caring Daddy. That should give the boy a wake up call.

I spent 20 years raising my wonderful Son so I dont mind helping another 5 years for hers if he cooperates. Time will tell. But sometimes she doesnt help the situation any when she treats him like an 8 year old baby. He is now 14 and needs to start acting like it. He is overweight, eats way too much and plays video games 99.9% of his time. I will hate to see what he turns into in another 4 years but I will not stand by and let him turn into an unemployed 300Lbs video playing 20 year old with zero ambition if I can help it. It depends on whether she will let me put the boot up his butt if that happens.

I love the woman and I think it will all be fine. But honestly, knowing what I know now, if I ever had to date again I would avoid single moms like the plaigue unless they are grown and moved out.

Sorry for the long posting, but I can sooo relate to this thread.

May 18, 2012

As a single parent myself, I would only date (and am currently seeing) another single parent. Our kids are about the same age and so we have had, and will continue to have, similar parental responsibilities and experiences. We both have joint custody with our ex's.

We've decided to not, for now, introduce each other to our children as things are complex enough in their young lives without having them also worry about competing for attention from their parents.

If you do not have kids, it's very hard to understand sometimes how much time kids take and that schedules are not always predictable. I dated a woman once who had never been married and never had kids. It was a nightmare; she was very demanding and petulant about the time I wanted to spend with my kid. Sooo much better being with someone who understands and has the same needs.

May 18, 2012

Nodding,

I got one for ya, there wast his one woman co-habitating with her boyfriend. SHe was in her mid 30's, and he was a bit older, got a call from his early 20's son, I think he was coming home from college or something.

While he was on the phone with his son, he was like "Yeah, come on down, I'll help ya move!"

Hung up the phphone, and never even went to her to see if SHE was okay with this. She pretty much ended it right there.

But yeah, it was kind of thoughtless on his part not to ask if it was okay with her...but, hey its his kid...so it's kind of his call.

As a single parent myself, I would only date (and am currently seeing) another single parent. Our kids are about the same age and so we have had, and will continue to have, similar parental responsibilities and experiences. We both have joint custody with our ex's.

We've decided to not, for now, introduce each other to our children as things are complex enough in their young lives without having them also worry about competing for attention from their parents.

If you do not have kids, it's very hard to understand sometimes how much time kids take and that schedules are not always predictable. I dated a woman once who had never been married and never had kids. It was a nightmare; she was very demanding and petulant about the time I wanted to spend with my kid. Sooo much better being with someone who understands and has the same needs.

May 18, 2012

IRC,

If they were living together, then he definitely should have talked to his girl first! That's just not thinking. Sure, it's his kid and I guess it must of been his house (as opposed to he and his girl renting/owning together) but still, having an adult son move in is a pretty big change from the status quo!

I know there are plenty of childless women out there that would be perfectly fine dating a guy with kids, but it does take some flexibility. The reverse is true for you, my friend.

May 18, 2012

Having dated a number of single mothers and having had two as partners, the single overriding memory was that, as is sometimes the case in a marriage, the spouse takes a back seat to the children. As examples, plans can revolve around the children's schedules and be subject to change due to those dynamics. Often plans would include the children, meaning 'family dates'. The one area where I failed was exercising healthy boundaries, the absence of which caused such behaviors to become prevalent and consistent. In essence, I was too easy-going and unselfish. Good life lessons. Such issues aren't a problem now, though the 'single parents' are more likely to be grandparents.

May 18, 2012

Yeah, in my small town there are under 40 grand mom's, lol There's this one hot latin women on POF, lives closeby (of course, non-responsive), says she's ABOUT to become a 38 year old grandma.

And she's pretty hot. lol

Having dated a number of single mothers and having had two as partners, the single overriding memory was that, as is sometimes the case in a marriage, the spouse takes a back seat to the children. As examples, plans can revolve around the children's schedules and be subject to change due to those dynamics. Often plans would include the children, meaning 'family dates'. The one area where I failed was exercising healthy boundaries, the absence of which caused such behaviors to become prevalent and consistent. In essence, I was too easy-going and unselfish. Good life lessons. Such issues aren't a problem now, though the 'single parents' are more likely to be grandparents.

May 18, 2012

This is a whole new realm for me; at 47, I started dating a man who has 50% custody of his three children (b10, g13, b14).

I ALWAYS declined invitations from guys who had kids as I never had children myself and was not interested in having children in my life.

Now, eight months into this new relationship, I have surprised myself at my decision to date a single parent. There were a lot of reasons why I agreed to go on that first date.

In getting to know each other (before the first date), I learned that as an Ivy League-educated surgeon, my BF is raising his children intelligently and he has employed a nanny so he isn't doing this alone. Although relations with his Ex are vitriolic (they communicate through a mediator and lawyer), he is very open and honest with his kids about me.

We dated for six months before I met the children and even though I have now known them for three months, I won't be "sleeping over" until sometime this fall.

Even though he and I are discussing at length the fact of our living together (probably early next year), it is important for him that we take it very slowly regarding the kids. I will be going on the family vacation this summer (me and her daughter in one room and all the males in another), but won't be sleeping together for several months after that.

Fortunately for all of us, we all seem to be getting along. The eldest boy (an idiot/savant with Aspergers) has announced that he would be VERY angry if Dad ever broke up with me. The BF believes that his Ex is feeding some negative messages to the kids about Dad's girlfriends (I am the second in six years that the kids have met - and none of them liked the last girlfriend).

I have read what others have written about the "family time" and being second to the kids' schedules and this has happened a few times, but we are fortunate to have our alternate weeks that are wholly our own. My BF is also very proactive in talking about our future and where our lives will take us when his kids have left for school - possibly leaving the States for Europe.

In all, I have been extremely lucky. I have seen horror stories of those who have dated and gotten involved with those with kids which is another reason I avoided it for so long. For me, it could not have gone better but we still have many trials ahead of us: their teenage years and moving me into the family home. The fact that the kids are so bright helps. They can be reasoned with quite successfully and we all really like each other, so far...

May 18, 2012

WTF is wrong with you? Never date a single mom. Pump and dump: dont take care of somebody else's mistake.

May 18, 2012

Point

This is a whole new realm for me; at 47, I started dating a man who has 50% custody of his three children (b10, g13, b14).

I ALWAYS declined invitations from guys who had kids as I never had children myself and was not interested in having children in my life.

Now, eight months into this new relationship, I have surprised myself at my decision to date a single parent. There were a lot of reasons why I agreed to go on that first date.

In getting to know each other (before the first date), I learned that as an Ivy League-educated surgeon, my BF is raising his children intelligently and he has employed a nanny so he isn't doing this alone. Although relations with his Ex are vitriolic (they communicate through a mediator and lawyer), he is very open and honest with his kids about me.

We dated for six months before I met the children and even though I have now known them for three months, I won't be "sleeping over" until sometime this fall.

Even though he and I are discussing at length the fact of our living together (probably early next year), it is important for him that we take it very slowly regarding the kids. I will be going on the family vacation this summer (me and her daughter in one room and all the males in another), but won't be sleeping together for several months after that.

Fortunately for all of us, we all seem to be getting along. The eldest boy (an idiot/savant with Aspergers) has announced that he would be VERY angry if Dad ever broke up with me. The BF believes that his Ex is feeding some negative messages to the kids about Dad's girlfriends (I am the second in six years that the kids have met - and none of them liked the last girlfriend).

I have read what others have written about the "family time" and being second to the kids' schedules and this has happened a few times, but we are fortunate to have our alternate weeks that are wholly our own. My BF is also very proactive in talking about our future and where our lives will take us when his kids have left for school - possibly leaving the States for Europe.

In all, I have been extremely lucky. I have seen horror stories of those who have dated and gotten involved with those with kids which is another reason I avoided it for so long. For me, it could not have gone better but we still have many trials ahead of us: their teenage years and moving me into the family home. The fact that the kids are so bright helps. They can be reasoned with quite successfully and we all really like each other, so far...

Counterpoint

WTF is wrong with you? Never date a single mom. Pump and dump: dont take care of somebody else's mistake.

May 18, 2012

It's very simple, either you are comfortable being a father figure, and you truly enjoy kids, OR you DON'T date a single mother. Your list is basic and it's short, and it's selfish. I don't mean selfish in a mean way, I mean if those are things you see as challenges, then you are a guy who is looking to enjoy his child free life. GOOD FOR YOU! Everyone is entitled not to want kids, be around kids, and if this is you God Bless You for knowing it and being honest about it. Because after all, the last thing a child from a divorced family needs around is a man/woman dating their parent that doesn't have any interest in them. I know, I came from that environment.

Dating a single mom means taking the kids when she can't, cooking them dinner, helping with laundry, going to their sporting events, jumping off their mother when you are trying to find time to have sex and they all decide they want to play inside now...... and that is merely a warm up. I wouldn't have traded my relationship with my ex and her 3 boys for anything, but I loved all four of them, and there wasn't anything in life I wanted to do more than hang out with all of them. I didn't "give up " anything to date my single mother ex, but I certain "gained" a wonderful family. If you can't see yourself ever saying that, stick with childless partners.

This is the kind of man single mothers should date. Children are gifts, and if the father is not so much in the picture, you have a ready-made family really. And kids are fun! I'm not the type who would ask a guy I'm dating to "help out" however, and I wouldn't live with a man unless we were married. Not a good idea for single parents and traumatic for the kids to go through a breakup. Also, I'm not sure I would get involved with anyone who had an ex-husband / ex-wife living right up the street or close by. My girlfriend (friend who is a girl) is a single mom and her ex-husband is a maniac and has been fighting her for custody for 10 years or something. I wouldn't want to be involved with that mess.

May 18, 2012

Yes I was very lucky, the father had no interest in his kids:laugh: Lucky for me anyway, and honestly for them when I was around, because I tried to catchup for all they missed quick, fast, and in a hurry! The boys were 11, 10, and 6 when we dated, and they were all like my best lil buddies. Best year of my life

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