Afishwithabike Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 ghgh750 - I'm Asian as well and my culture has in the past had arranged marriages so I know where you're coming from. But you're not thinking straight. You can't assume that LoveShack is representative of marriages in general. People who come here for the most part are in troubled relationships. That's why they come to this site. They want to vent, get support or advice. People in happy marriages aren't posting here. Why? They're in a happy marriage. They're doing things that people in happy marriages do - talking to each other, focusing on one another, having sex, doing things as a couple. I don't give advice online regarding legal matters. I haven't done family law in years too. Also, check with a competent family law attorney regarding postnuptial agreements in your state. Look you're going to fall in love, assuming you ever do, with a person not a list of requirements. Once you fall deeply in love, as Drifter said in his post, this list won't be in your thoughts. Your goal should be to find someone who loves you and who you love. Your goal should be to find a girl with similar values. Don't assume that average looking girls don't cheat. They do. They cheat as much as hot girls. Don't assume that simply because someone hasn't had many boyfriends they won't cheat. They do. It's not hard for a woman to find easy sex if she wants to. Cheaters come in all sizes, ages, ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds. I think you're hopelessly naive if you think the average female cheater is a club going attractive female. The female cheaters I know are suburban soccer moms who serve on the Parent Teacher Associations. They don't fit your profile of a cheater. A person can cheat during a hour lunch break at work. A person can cheat while they run errands on the weekend. They can cheat even if they come home to you the same hour every day. A person can have an email account they access only from their work computer. A person can have a prepaid cell that doesn't appear on your cellphone bill. There are so many ways to cheat it's hard to list them all. Don't go through life assuming you're going to have a cheater on your hands. That's no way to live. In fact, I have a feeling that you might preemptively cheat because you're so convinced the other person will cheat on you. Relax. Chill. You're much too young to think like this.
Danie Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Drifter, Thanks for the post. I will go in with my eyes open but not in a cynical manner. Falling head over heels ---> Hopefully that will not happen to me. I am a person who is not easily swayed by emotion because I am so guarded. Maybe it can happen but I will then think back to these stories. Sorry to hear about your wife. Is there a link to your story on this message board? If so, do you mind me reading it? Thanks. I don't understand why women are so against paternity test. THEY KNOW THE KID IS THEIRS. Why not give the person they love reassurance? I trust them on many other aspects...hell maybe they can even spend my money. I trust them to sleep next to me and not kill me. WHY IS PATERNITY TESTING SUCH A BIG DEAL? If she resents me testing her, then she is being illogical. I wouldn't stand for a paternity test. I know I don't sleep around. I know who the father of my children are. I know if my husband had this sort of doubt in me I'd leave him. Why stay with a man who doesn't trust you? How could I trust him? It is disrespectful to imply that I'm a slut and I will not stand for that type of disrespect. I know I have the ablity to take care of my children with or without him.
PlumPrincess Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) Your fear of being cheated comes from your fear of not being able to deal with it. And you're afraid that you won't be able to deal with it, because you haven't seen much of the world, that's clear by reading your post. There are some posters here who sit at home, scared ****less of the world outside, hoping/demanding that someone take pity with them, while it's never going to happen. Go out and experience love, seduction, sex, obsession, butterflies in your stomach, happiness, sadness, learn empathy, and then re-read what you wrote. And if you ever want to find love, learn to let go of your obsession with money and that everything has to be split 50-50. Men who are stingy with their money are also misers with their emotions. It's like they're afraid to give love, because they're giving something away. By the way, 21 year old, that post, and $80,000? I just hope you're not in a very responsible position where you have to decide about the fate of people. Edited May 17, 2012 by PlumPrincess
Woggle Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I would never go that far but I admit reading some stuff on here and other places makes it very hard to trust women sometimes. Why not have some sympathy for this guy who is obviously scared as hell of the current relationship scene?
samsungxoxo Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Why not have some sympathy for this guy who is obviously scared as hell of the current relationship scene?Isn't dating, getting into a relationship, making new friends or even a job interview all about taking risk in life we all go through anyway? So the OP is not an isolated case. I'm sure no one wants to be cheated on nor taken advantage of but not even trying is worst.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Isn't dating, getting into a relationship, making new friends or even a job interview all about taking risk in life we all go through anyway? So the OP is not an isolated case. I'm sure no one wants to be cheated on nor taken advantage of but not even trying is worst. This is true but reading some of the stuff just makes a guy not want to trust any woman ever again. Instead of tearing him apart why not show some compassion towards a guy who is obviously not in a good state right now.
Author ghgh750 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Thanks Woggle for being understanding. I am not this paranoid or obsessive. Other issues with more global importance have never bothered me. As I read about divorce laws and cheating spouses, especially cases where the higher earning spouse (male usually) is taken to the cleaners by a cheating spouse, my paranoia level increased 1000%. It is one thing to cheat, maybe I can see some excuses for it, but then to rob the person you once loved of half of their assets and their savings through property settlements and alimony is beyond cruel. Why would women who love you even want to have this power? That is why I believe women who truly love you will agree to sign a prenuptial agreement so that in the event of divorce, emotions do not consume them and they do not try to destroy your life. The same for men who are earning less. This logical also applies to postnuptial agreements. My wife should NEVER be able to take my stuff in the event of a divorce. She did NOT EARN IT. So what if she cooked me dinner? I can get that **** at McDonalds. If she paid her share of the bills, then the postnuptial agreement will reflect that and I will reimburse her for her monetary contribution. ---- Danie, The thing is I am not intending to call my wife a whore or something by asking her for a paternity test. YOU may know that you do not sleep around but YOUR husband can never be 100% certain. Why don't you wish to give him reassurance so that one day in the future if you do somehow mess up and cheat on him, he will not have to be haunted by the possible thought that his son/daughter is not his. I wish my wife would voluntarily agree to a paternity test even before I ask for one. That would show she has nothing to hide. For me personally, I will refuse to sign the birth certificate till a paternity test is done. QUESTION: As soon as my child is born in the hospital, can I ask the nurse/doctor to do a paternity test ASAP? Does my wife have to consent or even know about it? And if we are married, is it automatically assumed I am the father and thus my name is put on the birth certificate? or can I wait to sign the birth certificate. I DO NOT want to be on the hook for child support for a kid that is not mine. Horrible way to lose 20% of your net income. So then why would women really want to risk this even being a possibility for their husbands? bellachica, I do not really believe in counseling especially at this stage. If these problems persist maybe but it seems like a waste of money. I think the Western world places a lot of emphasis on these mental issues but in reality these are just excuses. Cheaters are just impulsive people who really do not care about whom they hurt. As a result, the problem does not lie on my end. I am simply trying to protect myself. I saw in another thread that you had two affairs and did not tell your H. May I ask why? I am not judging. I am just afraid that my wife can do the same thing to me and I will NEVER KNOW. How is that fair? I don't want to be forced to live a lie. I can see a ONS as a mistake but you hid two affairs from him. Did he cheat on you and if not, how would you feel if he did that to you too? If you, who claim to love your husband, can do it, why can't my wife? Some active but latent snooping should be used in all cases to prevent such crimes against me. plumprincess, My job has responsibilities that deal with other's fates. However, the thing is, I am relatively successful in academics and my occupation because I am not guided by faulty notions of complete trust, love, and "emotions". I leave little to chance and like to have contingency plans and safety measures. Marriage should be no different. I will trust my wife but not 100% when it comes to finances and paternity. I am also really worried about her giving me AIDs if she cheats but at least she will have it too so I can know she will die along with me. Mutually assured destruction. NOTE TO EVERYONE: I do not intend to come off as a paranoid and obsessive control freak. I actually keep everything to myself usually but am pretty good at displaying emotions when required. For most of these measures, such as a KEYLOGGER, CHECKING CELL PHONE RECORDS, GPS, and PI, I will try to NEVER LET HER FIND OUT. I won't pester her about where she is going or who she is with because that would make me appear controlling. However, I can indirectly know all this information by keeping secret tabs on her. As long as it is not illegal, I don't really care. If she finds out, I WILL BEG FOR HER FORGIVENESS and TELL HER IT WAS BECAUSE I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. Spying on someone you LOVE is not worse than CHEATING. I am basically trying to minimize the IMPACT cheating can have. Through a prenup, my finances will be secure. Through a paternity test, my future genetic legacy will be ensured and I will not be wasting my resources on some bastard child. Through the keylogger, etc., I can be ensured that I can find out about the affair ASAP and take appropriate actions. I may possibly even prevent it by talking to her and making her see that I truly love her. What is wrong with that? I would actually like my girlfriend to be jealous to a certain extent and keep tabs on me. I would not want her to tell me what to do but won't mind her monitoring me from afar...and even more so in secret. It shows she cares. (I am dead serious...although some people want to put everything to blind "trust".) Funny thing with trust is, you can only be BETRAYED by those who you completely trust. I also don't believe true love requires blind trust so I am not sacrificing anything by not fully trusting my significant other.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Any woman who is not willing to sign a prenup is not marriage material. When my wife started talking about marriage I had the my lawyer who got me out of my first marriage write a very good prenup and I told my wife I would marry her if she signed it and to my shock she did with no hesitation. That is when I know she was a keeper.
Author ghgh750 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Woogle, In your first marriage, did you have a prenup? If not, did you get ripped off from your cheating (I'm assuming cheating) ex? I am also going to assume you are the breadwinner in the family.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 PlumPrincess: I am Asian and I take no offense to the question. I guess I could agree to a certain extent to the generalization that Asians might live more sheltered lives. Asians have historically been more work driven and honor bound so have not engaged in a lot of premarital sexual activity. I know my religion and culture usually frowned upon me chasing girls instead of studying and building a life for myself. A lot of westerners, including my fellow friends, would disagree but I do not regret my past actions. Yea it would have been cool if I could have hooked up with girls in high school but I have always been a family-oriented man in the sense that I will not begin to date someone unless I like them both emotionally and physically so that maybe one day we could get married and start a family. This might be stupid but I guess my cultural upbringing brought me up like this. My culture also has arranged marriages but they are falling out of practice. Adultery is very low in our culture (well to my knowledge) so growing up, infidelity and divorce were not very common. I guess the main reason why I was so shocked to read all of these infidelity stories is that I just cannot believe that someone you spend years with, who claims to love you, could look you directly in the eyes for months or years on end and lie to you. This is even more so with women who lie about paternity. Once the truth is found out, I feel like your years together between the affair and D-Day (is that the correct term?) would all be a lie. My parents and I are very close and we never lie to one another. Pretty much the same with my friends. As a result, the idea of being betrayed by my partner for life never crossed my mind until I stumbled across these dark places of the internet. Maybe it started off as an obsession but now it is waning but still a warning sign in my mind. Last week, some girl asked me for my number at a party and even though I gave it to her, I am still hesitant to go to lunch with her because she seems like a risky candidate. I do not want to invest my time in someone who will only betray me. However, I cannot always do this because then I will die alone...hopefully with money but still alone. Don't be afraid of being cheated on... it makes you less confident. When you are less confident then women are more likely to cheat on you. Self fulfilling prophecy. If you want to avoid cheaters, do not date American, Canadian, or English women. Around the world only about 10-20% of the women cheat. Women of these three nationalities clock in around 50%. Plus, they don't cheat on abusive or player type guys like women in other countries... they primarily cheat on men who are family oriented. Our divorce rate is mind bogglingly high and most kids have been raised in split family homes. They are emotionally unstable and have no idea how to make a relationship work. Do not worry about putting off dating during high school. Just focus a lot of effort into dating and relationships right now. Everything should be just for fun with low to moderate commitment. I don't care how cool the girl seems. The most important part of not making a mistake is understanding yourself and what you need from a woman... and understand women and what they need from you. Get it?
KathyM Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Hello guys, I have only recently come across LS Infidelity forums and I almost wish I never had. I am a 21 year old young man about to graduate from college. I have done really well in school, have a great high-paying job lined up for me after graduation, have the support of loving parents and friends, and have my whole life ahead of me to look forward to. However, after reading about divorce laws (alimony, 50/50 assets, no fault, etc.) and infidelity stories, I have essentially lost all hope in the concept of relationships, love, and marriage. This might sound extreme but for some reason, I am obsessed with reading these stories, researching divorce laws, and other legal aspects. It does not seem like this fear is subsiding any time soon and was looking for some advice from all of you. I totally understand the feeling of not eating for days when you discover an affair. I do not want to talk to any of my friends or family because they would think this is a stupid fear to have at such an early age. I, however, like to be prepared for the future. I also wanted to express how truly sad/sorry I am to hear about all of these wayward spouse (WS?) stories. Betrayed Spouses all deserve better. The concept of taking vows and promising to love one another seems sacred to me regardless of culture and religion. The thought that someone that once claimed to love you can do such a terrible act sickens me. It sickens me even more when I hear that affairs last longer than a ONS. Even though a ONS is unforgivable in my opinion, an affair lasting longer (some even lasting YEARS) appears like a despicable and heinous act. Such betrayal even appears worse than death at times. I give credit to couples that can reconcile after an affair. I can never imagine doing that if my wife/girlfriend cheated on me. The thought would drive me insane and eat away at me. I do not think it can ever be forgotten. I think the worst is when a woman does not admit an affair and leads a man to raise a child he believes is his. DNA does not make a father but he should always have the choice to proceed or not. I have never been in a serious relationship b/c I have been always been work focused. As a result, I am still a virgin (loser ... I know but whatever). In order to avoid the emotional and financial trauma associated with possible affairs and divorce in the future, here is my plan of action Future Plan: The girls I date will be average looking. On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being a perfect model, I would date women in the range from 4 - 6s. I am an average looking guy so this one is not too much of a sacrifice. However, even if I got a very attractive girl, I would refuse because it would make me insecure and paranoid. Attractive people are more likely to cheat since they have more opportunity.In fact, I would want to date someone maybe slightly less attractive than me but still cute. I need to ensure that there is physical attraction between us because without it, I think sex would suck and there would be no passion. Marriage would suck and cheating risk would go up. I want to appear to be the settler in the relationship.How does one know if there is passion between couples? How do I know if a girl likes my physical appearance and not just my personality/money? I read a couple of posts about women who like their husband but are not sexually attracted to them so they cheat to get passion. I do not want this to happen. The personalities of the girls I date will be down-to-earth and not high maintenance. If they act arrogant and think they are princesses, I will leave because I believe that these people are the ones who blameshift and will pin every thing that goes wrong on me (the husband). This will only justify their motivations to have an affair. To watch out for malignant narcissists, I will see how they react towards other people, especially waiters and other people lower than them/serving them, etc. I will also see how they react when inconvenienced. I want to see if they help me out in my time of need. Any other suggestions about how to spot a narcissist or sociopath early on in the relationship? I could ask my future wife to take a psych evaluation but she might freak out....It breaks my heart to read stories about spouses living with one another and not realizing that their significant other is a narcissist and does not care about the consequences of their affairs until it is too late. How can someone pretend to be in love with you for so long? I will avoid girls that drink and like to go to clubs like a diabetic avoiding sugar. These types of girls are often times sluttier and have much lower inhibitions. Drinking, especially in excess, at clubs and bars are a recipe for disaster. For girl's night out, I would much rather prefer my wife go to like a book club or something.To be fair, for my guy's night out, I play video games or something recreational like bowling. I do not want to date a girl that comes from a broken family. Divorced parents set a bad precedent in my opinion. However, past experience does not always indicate future ones so I might be flexible.Any history of sexual abuse will be a red flag that prevents me from pursuing a relationship with the person because they are more unstable and likely to cheat. I don't want my wife to have had any serious relationships in the past because that just increases her chances for having a fling at like a high school reunion or something. Plus how do you even know if someone has gotten over their ex or first love? I don't have such an experience so I cannot comment but I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I don't want to be with a woman who has many guy friends because I genuinely do not think that straight men and women can be completely platonic friends. There is always some level of attraction.I won't allow my wife to hang out with another man alone for a long period of time or activities like going to the movies. I also won't hang out with other women alone. When dating my girlfriend, I will insist on her paying her half during dates. I don't care if this comes off as cheap but I will pay for stuff only on the first one or two dates and after that, she is expected to pay her share. I am not a goddamn ATM machine. If women want equality, they should act in the same manner.I don't want a girl to date me for my money or because she is benefiting financially. Any other ways to spot a golddigger? By making her pay for half, she will have no financial reason to be with me...only emotional and physical.Even though it might not be fair to ask her to pay half if she earns less than me, I will only date/marry a woman that earns at least 60-75% of what I am earning currently. I am earning $80,000 currently so she should be earning at least $50,000 - $60,000. Otherwise, it might be a deal breaker for me. Love should not depend on money but in the real world, most marriages end because of financial reasons. Also, if she does have an affair, at least she has to spend her own money and not hurt me financially on top of emotionally. I will insist on a prenuptial agreement before marriage.Every asset I acquired before the marriage will belong to me and my parents regardless of what happens in the marriage. I will most likely buy a house and car before marriage and they will all be in my name. I might even put the assets in the name of my parents (even though I will be paying for it) so that I will eventually get it through inheritance. I will refuse to put her name on these assets so that she cannot make a claim to them. I will also see if there is a way to ask her to sign a waiver disqualifying her from making a claim to the equity that builds up in the house during the marriage. To be fair, if she is helping me make mortgage payments, I will write a stipulation that I will repay her in the event of divorce for her monetary contributions.She will have to waive any right to my 401K, investments, or any other assets. I do not believe spouses even contribute to these things. I have no idea why judges even give them this claim. I will also waive my right to any of her assets. Simply because she cooks me dinner does not mean she contributed to my wise financial decisions...especially if she cannot tell the difference between a mutual fund or a call option.I will insist on signing an alimony waiver so that she is not entitled to maintenance in the event of divorce. I might still be on the hook for some payments if she becomes a lazy bum and is a burden to public welfare but I will not let her quit her job.We both should maintain individual bank accounts. Joint accounts with equal monthly contributions from both us will be established to pay joint bills.Individual credit cards and their respective loans are NOT RECOGNIZED as community property debt. There might be a joint credit card but I will watch it like a hawk and it will have a low credit limit so that she cannot go crazy. I don't want to get stuck with debt if she decides to leave me.Not sure if legal but: I will try to add a stipulation that every piece of jewelry/gifts that I give her over $100 will be conditional gifts that she has to return in the event of divorce. I will return all her gifts too. No reason a cheater should get to keep my loving gifts. Insist on a paternity test when she becomes pregnant. I do not care if her and I are fully in love and not experiencing any problems, I will insist on a paternity test because you never know. I do not know what she is doing 24/7. I will be nice about it and try to convince her that I do not think she is cheating but that I need to be 100% certain because of all the stories online about false paternity. If she refuses, I will file for divorce and contest paternity so that a mandatory paternity test is done. Ideally I would want a neo-natal paternity test. I might even convince her that the neo-natal paternity test is necessary to do genetic screening for the health of the baby. I will install a keylogger on the house computer and her laptop (as long as it is not a company laptop). I will also be kind enough to pay for her phone service so that I can monitor her messages and outgoing calls. GPS tracker will be placed on her car in a discrete position. I will not let her know about these steps but will be kind enough to share all my passwords (other than bank accounts) with her. That way this white lie will not be so bad. If friendly countries can do it to one another in international espionage, I feel it is fine for couples to do it. I am only afraid that if she finds out, she will be really angry but then I will just try to convince her that it was because I was afraid of losing her. Hopefully she will understand? Honest opinion on this matter ladies? Is preemptive spying a good idea? If we make it past the 10 year mark, when the prenuptial agreement most likely has a sunset clause and has become invalidated, I will insist on her signing a postnuptial agreement. As I found out on LS, affairs can happen 15+ years into the marriage. The postnuptial agreement will have the same terms as the prenuptial agreement. My wife will not be able to claim my assets. My life insurance policy will pay out half to my parents and the other half to my wife. I don't want to give my wife financial incentives to have me killed. I have read some stories about wives killing their husbands over the life insurance money so that she and her lover can live happily ever after. I will tell her how beautiful she is on a nearly daily basis and how glad I am to have her in my life. I will do spontaneous things for us. I will also see if she is willing to do spontaneous things for me or if she is indifferent. How do you know if your wife still loves you 10 years or so into the marriage? We will also have regular sex regardless of how much work I have. I would much rather have sex and a faithful wife than sleep. I will be willing to try new things for her. I probably won't want to introduce a third person into the bedroom.How often should we have sex? I know it differs for people but on average? Once a week? Annually hire a private investigator to follow my wife around and check to see what she is up to. I am not sure how much they cost but I am thinking follow my wife for about 5 weeks scattered throughout the year. Valentine's day will definitely be monitored because this is the day of the year most affairs are caught by PIs. I want to install hidden cameras or webcams in the living room and bedroom to see who is coming into my house but I think this is illegal and my wife would kill me....Are installing hidden webcams and cameras illegal in one's own house without the knowledge of the other spouse? Not in the bathroom or anything but other rooms. Depending on the cost and willingness of my wife, take a lie detector test every two years to see if she has had an affair. I will take one too. I won't go out to the bars with coworkers but will come home directly most of the time to hang out with my wife so she does not feel neglected. I would expect her to do the same for me too. I hate if she has to work late hours.If she works late hours, I will call her office phone number to make sure she is there. I will also randomly drop by with "dinner" to check up on her. Annual Blood Tests - Pretext for checking if either of us have STDs. If she still cheats on me after all these steps, I will divorce her immediately and keep my assets. I will be crushed but at least financially, she is not able to emasculate me. I will then seek to find another person more worthy of my love. I will fight for 50/50 custody of any of my biological children. I do not think children should be deprived of their caring parents regardless of what happened. I realize some of these are extreme measures. I swear I am NOT A TROLL. I am serious about these measures. The thought of affairs and divorce has scared me greatly and my heart breaks for those marriages that end in such a horrid manner. Sometimes people fall out of love but there is no reason to stab someone in the back. This is especially true for someone that you ONCE CLAIMED TO LOVE. Hopefully my plan can protect me financially and demotivate my wife to cheat. Without any financial reason to be with me, my wife should only like me emotionally and physically. Any legit feedback on my plan of action is appreciated. You can tell me if it is stupid. Some parts are extreme but I was wondering if anyone has done any of these. I would also like to hear from women especially about the money aspect...including the prenuptial agreement and the paternity test request. Thanks Some of this stuff is way too extreme and controlling on your part. Prenup is for people with a lot of assets prior to marriage, who want to protect those assets in the case of divorce. If you don't have a lot of assets, that's really not necessary. And don't assume that lack of attractiveness is going to assure fidelity. Fidelity is a character issue, not an attractiveness issue. A person will cheat if their character is lacking. There are plenty of attractive people who don't cheat. There are also plenty of average looking people who do cheat. The best way to assure fidelity is to make sure the person you are marrying has a strong and honorable character. I would agree with you, though, that's it's a good idea to stay away from high maintenance, narcissistic people, and people that hang out in bars or clubs. You're not likely to find high quality people in that bunch. The way to make sure you're not dating a gold digger is to avoid a lot of really expensive dates, and don't talk about your income. Women who are gold diggers will want to know you income level early on, and will expect a lot of money to be spent on her. That's an easy thing to spot without investing a lot of time in a relationship. And forget the spying tactics. Unless your spouse has given you valid reason to question her faithfulness, don't do it. Trust is the most important thing in the relationship. If you show you don't trust her when she has given you no reason to mistrust her, your relationship will be doomed.
Author ghgh750 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 I guess I will try to avoid women of those races in general though I am not a racist. I just think cultural ties are important so will marry someone from my same culture. I will be nice but will not let them know my fear of cheating. I will strongly hint at the beginning that cheating is unacceptable and a deal breaker. I will then also trick them by saying that unless she confesses soon enough, I will not forgive her. Then if she confesses out of guilt, I will stay with her and make her work her ass for me, sign a postnuptial agreement, etc. and then a year or so later, I will have a revenge affair and then leave her penniless. I know this makes me "just as bad" but no...she struck first, I am acting in retaliation just like how Israel retaliates against terrorists.
Author ghgh750 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Some of this stuff is way too extreme and controlling on your part. Prenup is for people with a lot of assets prior to marriage, who want to protect those assets in the case of divorce. If you don't have a lot of assets, that's really not necessary. And don't assume that lack of attractiveness is going to assure fidelity. Fidelity is a character issue, not an attractiveness issue. A person will cheat if their character is lacking. There are plenty of attractive people who don't cheat. There are also plenty of average looking people who do cheat. The best way to assure fidelity is to make sure the person you are marrying has a strong and honorable character. I would agree with you, though, that's it's a good idea to stay away from high maintenance, narcissistic people, and people that hang out in bars or clubs. You're not likely to find high quality people in that bunch. The way to make sure you're not dating a gold digger is to avoid a lot of really expensive dates, and don't talk about your income. Women who are gold diggers will want to know you income level early on, and will expect a lot of money to be spent on her. That's an easy thing to spot without investing a lot of time in a relationship. And forget the spying tactics. Unless your spouse has given you valid reason to question her faithfulness, don't do it. Trust is the most important thing in the relationship. If you show you don't trust her when she has given you no reason to mistrust her, your relationship will be doomed. How is trust the most important thing? I agree it is important but it is absurd to trust anyone 100%. Hell, I don't even trust myself 100%. I could make stupid choices or I could become bipolar. It is best to take precautions. For example, I split my money around in different accounts so that if I ever go on a bender, I don't use up all my money from one debit card. Does this mean I am a bad person? Nope. It means I am cautious. I will SECRETLY spy on my wife. Nothing Illegal though. I don't want her to have the ability to throw me into jail. I would not care if she was spying on me too. Hell, I would welcome it because it shows she cares enough to keep tabs on me.
Pyro Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 OP For the number of stories that you have read on here, imagine the number of people out there who are not on the internet. My point is that what you read on here is only a small fragment of the entire population. You are only 21. At that age marriage should be one of the last things on your mind. Go start your career and enjoy life. I didn't marry until 29 so you have plenty of time before you need to start thinking about that (assuming you plan on marrying someday)
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I guess I will try to avoid women of those races in general though I am not a racist. I just think cultural ties are important so will marry someone from my same culture. I will be nice but will not let them know my fear of cheating. I will strongly hint at the beginning that cheating is unacceptable and a deal breaker. I will then also trick them by saying that unless she confesses soon enough, I will not forgive her. Then if she confesses out of guilt, I will stay with her and make her work her ass for me, sign a postnuptial agreement, etc. and then a year or so later, I will have a revenge affair and then leave her penniless. I know this makes me "just as bad" but no...she struck first, I am acting in retaliation just like how Israel retaliates against terrorists. It isn't about race. It's about family and culture. You can get tons of info about how stable a woman is... by looking at her relationship with her father, then how her parents interact. If you get cheated on... the best way to handle it is to cut contact. It's nice to imagine yourself being all cold and calculating, but I've had it happen twice and plans just go out the window once the emotions start flying around.
KathyM Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 How is trust the most important thing? I agree it is important but it is absurd to trust anyone 100%. Hell, I don't even trust myself 100%. I could make stupid choices or I could become bipolar. It is best to take precautions. For example, I split my money around in different accounts so that if I ever go on a bender, I don't use up all my money from one debit card. Does this mean I am a bad person? Nope. It means I am cautious. I will SECRETLY spy on my wife. Nothing Illegal though. I don't want her to have the ability to throw me into jail. I would not care if she was spying on me too. Hell, I would welcome it because it shows she cares enough to keep tabs on me. Trust is the foundation of marriage. Without trust, you will have a lousy marriage. If she has given you no reason to mistrust her, why would you mistrust her? Surely your time would be better spent on nurturing the relationship to prevent it from going downhill, rather than trying to uncover issues that are not there. Don't be paranoid. That will not protect your relationship--it will hurt it. And no woman would agree to your overly controlling tactics anyway, so I suggest you not entertain such thoughts. It won't help you--it will only hurt you. 1
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Funny thing with trust is, you can only be BETRAYED by those who you completely trust. You are putting emphasis on the wrong thing here. It's not about trusting SOMEONE ELSE. It's about trusting yourself. You have to know that whatever someone else does, you will be ok. It is highly doubtful that the first girl you date is gonna be your wife forever. You will have to learn some lessons the painful way. Trust me - this is a GOOD thing. It's GOOD to know what being betrayed feels like. Sure, do your vetting - make sure the person SEEMS like someone with integrity who is honest and trustworthy and won't cheat. But putting a keylogger on someone's computer? Watching what they do and where they go? That's expending energy on paranoia, when if you spent that same energy on making the relationship great, you would be minimizing the chance she'd cheat anyway. And you are living life in a way where you THINK you are protecting yourself. The truth is if she DID cheat, it would hurt just as much if you find out through a keylogger as if you found out some other way. AND by monitoring her, you are keeping infidelity in the center of your mind at all times - NOT healthy.
pteromom Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I would not care if she was spying on me too. Hell, I would welcome it because it shows she cares enough to keep tabs on me. UGH!!!!! This makes me feel just a little sick. CARING about someone isn't KEEPING TABS on them. You have some strange views, and honestly sound like someone who is at risk for becoming controlling and abusive. 1
Author ghgh750 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 Untouchable fire, What happened in your cheating scenarios? How did you react? Brief overview please. thanks.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Want to prevent an affair? There's a book on it. It's called "His Needs Her Needs" Much more effective than what you are proposing. Your suspicious ways would likely drive a woman away. As for choosing a mate...mine(she cheated, we are splitting) is not high maintenance, she is very down to earth. She is very attractive though. People mistake her for half her age all the time. Of all the guy's that I work with (whose wives I've seen), I think only one has a wife as physically attractive as mine. We've been together 18 years (4 dating, 14 married)
irin Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Irin: I am glad to see that I am not the only person my age who stumbled upon this board. What made you come across LS Infidelity if you were not involved in a cheating situation? I stumbled upon this when studying divorce law for a class of mine and then I read stories about alimony and cheating wives and one thing led to another and here I am. I guess maybe we will get lucky and never encounter this horrible situation. i was on a women's health forum, out of curiosity, i started reading the relationship sections on there, then read about something called retroactive jealousy, it was quite interesting so i started googling about it then found this forum after becoming a member i discovered all the cheating threads. it was so depressing. but i also come from a culture were people have arranged marriages, infidelity is almost non-existent, so is divorce, and there is so no financial ties to marriage. i think the whole western approach to love, dating, relationships, is very different and difficult to mix with, if you come from the east! people dont just jump from a relationship to the other, or date so many people. its very much a culture shock in way, even though i was raised around it!
Woggle Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Woogle, In your first marriage, did you have a prenup? If not, did you get ripped off from your cheating (I'm assuming cheating) ex? I am also going to assume you are the breadwinner in the family. My current wife and I have equal incomes but in my first marriage she could never keep a job. We didn't have a prenup but she got nothing because she was caught lying about the abuse in court and the female judge saw right through her.
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Your post is very sad to me. It reads like a relational business contract rather than a loving, trusting and intimate marriage. What makes you so distrustful? Don't get married if you are unable to fall hopelessly in love and risk trusting another and sharing all your hopes and dreams and silly jokes with someone. What would be the point? There are NO guarantees in life, no matter who you marry and what they sign or swear to. Maybe you would do better with paid consorts. In fact, your paranoia and inability to trust tells me you have not fallen in love yet. With all your conditions, this may never happen for you.But if it should, I think YOU may be the person in the marriage who cheats as you have some severe intimacy issues, while an affair or a mistress can be more quid pro quo. Hey, it ok. If you can't be open to great joy, you will never experience great pain. That is just the way it works. 2
jade4071 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 How is trust the most important thing? I agree it is important but it is absurd to trust anyone 100%. Hell, I don't even trust myself 100%. I could make stupid choices or I could become bipolar. It is best to take precautions. For example, I split my money around in different accounts so that if I ever go on a bender, I don't use up all my money from one debit card. Does this mean I am a bad person? Nope. It means I am cautious. I will SECRETLY spy on my wife. Nothing Illegal though. I don't want her to have the ability to throw me into jail. I would not care if she was spying on me too. Hell, I would welcome it because it shows she cares enough to keep tabs on me. This thread is interesting. OP, I can see your point to a certain degree but for me it's a little over the top. Not an insult, just my thoughts. Paternity testing. Just as you can't be 100% sure your wife is honest with you about who the baby's father is, how can she know for sure you aren't out having sex with and knocking up other women? The mistrust street goes both ways. I've heard of more than one situation where a wife finds out her husband has had a kid with another woman. I know a guy who who was hiding his girlfriend and two kids from his wife. He's a lawyer who ran his own law firm and he sent his GF money every month to support her and their children. It was easy enough for him to hide the money as he paid through a business account his wife had no access to. So you can get a paternity test, fair enough, but what can your wife do to make sure you aren't out having sex with and making babies with other women? You did say it's absurd to trust anyone, even yourself, 100%. She can snoop, sure, but if you're good enough at being sneaky she may never know. That is, of course, until the baby mama shows up on the front step to collect some child support or deposit the kid with you. Think it can't happen or it sounds ridiculous? It might but it's exactly what happened to the aforementioned attorney when his GF grew tired of being a single mom. Until you can come up with a way to assure your future wife of your own fidelity and thereby only reproducing with her, the paternity testing isn't fair across the board. Perhaps start with GPS tracking on each vehicle and an ankle bracelet on each of you to track each waking moment? Where I live, yes, the husband is considered the legal father of children born to the marriage, regardless of biology. There are probably ways around that but it would likely require an attorney. Physical attractiveness has no bearing on whether or not someone will cheat. What you think is attractive may or may not be to the next person. Not everyone has to be a "10" to find someone to sleep with. Perhaps it may bring more opportunities but it's a choice and a matter of character, regardless of looks, whether or not that person will act on it. Life insurance policy benefits split between your future wife and your parents? To each his own but I think that's the type of thing that should go to whoever is left to take care of your children and pay your remaining bills. I realize people do get killed over life insurance policies but you have watched one too many Lifetime channel movies to be that worried about it. Women from broken homes? Because a person's parents have remained married for many decades means nothing other than they've been married for 'X' number of years. A home may not be broken on the outside but completely broken on the inside. Kids from either situation can grow up with issues because we all have issues. You just have to find the person whose issues you can deal with and vice versa. Prenups aren't a bad thing but keep in mind they can and do get overturned. If you live in a community property state it doesn't matter what you don't want to get stuck with, like credit card debt. If she runs it up while you're married and doesn't pay it, you're on the line for it. If nothing else, just don't ever get married and take all necessary precautions to never get a woman pregnant. If I were you with all these frantic worries, I would not go near the institution of marriage. Seriously. Your agenda and criteria will only serve to make you and any future wife miserable. Also, you're still young and young people tend to not see life in its realistic shades of grey. I have a 21yo daughter and her thinking is also very black and white at this point. Mine was once too. Trust is paramount in a relationship and without it you have nothing. I'm not an advocate of blind trust but you can't be in a real relationship without a certain level of trust.
Author ghgh750 Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Hello Jade, As far as the concern for how she can know I am not knocking up some other woman, I can get a polygraph test in exchange for the paternity test. I think that is a fair trade off. Maybe lie detector tests are not 100% but I think a man fathering a child with another woman is LESS WORSE than a woman LYING ABOUT PATERNITY and trapping the husband to unknowingly raise a kid that is not his. The main issue is that at least the wife does not have to directly deal with the illegitimate child while the betrayed husband would have to on a daily basis. BOTH ARE HORRIBLE THOUGH. If you disagree, feel free to argue why. You are right, I would much rather have cohabitation and give her a ring to symbolize our commitment than be married under the law. Cohabitation is a lot more financially stable for the higher earner and I can also get a cohabitation agreement. I just know that if I loved my wife, I can grant her certain requests to assuage her worries. Otherwise, I will try to persuade her that her worries are baseless. If my wife can look me in the eyes and convincingly tell me the baby is mine, MAYBE I won't go for the paternity testing. At least, I would wait to do it behind her back.
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