21 year old guy jaded from reading LS Infidelity forum - My Plan

[ghgh750]

Hello guys,

 

I have only recently come across LS Infidelity forums and I almost wish I never had. I am a 21 year old young man about to graduate from college. I have done really well in school, have a great high-paying job lined up for me after graduation, have the support of loving parents and friends, and have my whole life ahead of me to look forward to. However, after reading about divorce laws (alimony, 50/50 assets, no fault, etc.) and infidelity stories, I have essentially lost all hope in the concept of relationships, love, and marriage. This might sound extreme but for some reason, I am obsessed with reading these stories, researching divorce laws, and other legal aspects. It does not seem like this fear is subsiding any time soon and was looking for some advice from all of you. I totally understand the feeling of not eating for days when you discover an affair. I do not want to talk to any of my friends or family because they would think this is a stupid fear to have at such an early age. I, however, like to be prepared for the future.

 

I also wanted to express how truly sad/sorry I am to hear about all of these wayward spouse (WS?) stories. Betrayed Spouses all deserve better. The concept of taking vows and promising to love one another seems sacred to me regardless of culture and religion. The thought that someone that once claimed to love you can do such a terrible act sickens me. It sickens me even more when I hear that affairs last longer than a ONS. Even though a ONS is unforgivable in my opinion, an affair lasting longer (some even lasting YEARS) appears like a despicable and heinous act. Such betrayal even appears worse than death at times. I give credit to couples that can reconcile after an affair. I can never imagine doing that if my wife/girlfriend cheated on me. The thought would drive me insane and eat away at me. I do not think it can ever be forgotten. I think the worst is when a woman does not admit an affair and leads a man to raise a child he believes is his. DNA does not make a father but he should always have the choice to proceed or not.

 

I have never been in a serious relationship b/c I have been always been work focused. As a result, I am still a virgin (loser ... I know but whatever). In order to avoid the emotional and financial trauma associated with possible affairs and divorce in the future, here is my plan of action

 

Future Plan:

 

• The girls I date will be average looking. On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being a perfect model, I would date women in the range from 4 - 6s. I am an average looking guy so this one is not too much of a sacrifice. However, even if I got a very attractive girl, I would refuse because it would make me insecure and paranoid. Attractive people are more likely to cheat since they have more opportunity.In fact, I would want to date someone maybe slightly less attractive than me but still cute. I need to ensure that there is physical attraction between us because without it, I think sex would suck and there would be no passion. Marriage would suck and cheating risk would go up. I want to appear to be the settler in the relationship.
  
  • How does one know if there is passion between couples? How do I know if a girl likes my physical appearance and not just my personality/money? I read a couple of posts about women who like their husband but are not sexually attracted to them so they cheat to get passion. I do not want this to happen.
    

   

 

 

• The personalities of the girls I date will be down-to-earth and not high maintenance. If they act arrogant and think they are princesses, I will leave because I believe that these people are the ones who blameshift and will pin every thing that goes wrong on me (the husband). This will only justify their motivations to have an affair.
  
  • To watch out for malignant narcissists, I will see how they react towards other people, especially waiters and other people lower than them/serving them, etc. I will also see how they react when inconvenienced. I want to see if they help me out in my time of need. Any other suggestions about how to spot a narcissist or sociopath early on in the relationship? I could ask my future wife to take a psych evaluation but she might freak out....It breaks my heart to read stories about spouses living with one another and not realizing that their significant other is a narcissist and does not care about the consequences of their affairs until it is too late. How can someone pretend to be in love with you for so long?
    

   

 

 

• I will avoid girls that drink and like to go to clubs like a diabetic avoiding sugar. These types of girls are often times sluttier and have much lower inhibitions. Drinking, especially in excess, at clubs and bars are a recipe for disaster. For girl's night out, I would much rather prefer my wife go to like a book club or something.
  
  • To be fair, for my guy's night out, I play video games or something recreational like bowling.
    

   

 

 

• I do not want to date a girl that comes from a broken family. Divorced parents set a bad precedent in my opinion. However, past experience does not always indicate future ones so I might be flexible.
  
  • Any history of sexual abuse will be a red flag that prevents me from pursuing a relationship with the person because they are more unstable and likely to cheat.
    

   

 

 

• I don't want my wife to have had any serious relationships in the past because that just increases her chances for having a fling at like a high school reunion or something. Plus how do you even know if someone has gotten over their ex or first love? I don't have such an experience so I cannot comment but I don't want to be anyone's second choice.
  

 

 

• I don't want to be with a woman who has many guy friends because I genuinely do not think that straight men and women can be completely platonic friends. There is always some level of attraction.
  
  • I won't allow my wife to hang out with another man alone for a long period of time or activities like going to the movies. I also won't hang out with other women alone.
    

   

 

 

• When dating my girlfriend, I will insist on her paying her half during dates. I don't care if this comes off as cheap but I will pay for stuff only on the first one or two dates and after that, she is expected to pay her share. I am not a goddamn ATM machine. If women want equality, they should act in the same manner.
  
  • I don't want a girl to date me for my money or because she is benefiting financially. Any other ways to spot a golddigger? By making her pay for half, she will have no financial reason to be with me...only emotional and physical.
    
  • Even though it might not be fair to ask her to pay half if she earns less than me, I will only date/marry a woman that earns at least 60-75% of what I am earning currently. I am earning $80,000 currently so she should be earning at least $50,000 - $60,000. Otherwise, it might be a deal breaker for me. Love should not depend on money but in the real world, most marriages end because of financial reasons. Also, if she does have an affair, at least she has to spend her own money and not hurt me financially on top of emotionally.
    

   

 

 

• I will insist on a prenuptial agreement before marriage.
  
  • Every asset I acquired before the marriage will belong to me and my parents regardless of what happens in the marriage. I will most likely buy a house and car before marriage and they will all be in my name. I might even put the assets in the name of my parents (even though I will be paying for it) so that I will eventually get it through inheritance. I will refuse to put her name on these assets so that she cannot make a claim to them. I will also see if there is a way to ask her to sign a waiver disqualifying her from making a claim to the equity that builds up in the house during the marriage. To be fair, if she is helping me make mortgage payments, I will write a stipulation that I will repay her in the event of divorce for her monetary contributions.
    
  • She will have to waive any right to my 401K, investments, or any other assets. I do not believe spouses even contribute to these things. I have no idea why judges even give them this claim. I will also waive my right to any of her assets. Simply because she cooks me dinner does not mean she contributed to my wise financial decisions...especially if she cannot tell the difference between a mutual fund or a call option.
    
  • I will insist on signing an alimony waiver so that she is not entitled to maintenance in the event of divorce. I might still be on the hook for some payments if she becomes a lazy bum and is a burden to public welfare but I will not let her quit her job.
    
  • We both should maintain individual bank accounts. Joint accounts with equal monthly contributions from both us will be established to pay joint bills.
    
  • Individual credit cards and their respective loans are NOT RECOGNIZED as community property debt. There might be a joint credit card but I will watch it like a hawk and it will have a low credit limit so that she cannot go crazy. I don't want to get stuck with debt if she decides to leave me.
    
  • Not sure if legal but: I will try to add a stipulation that every piece of jewelry/gifts that I give her over $100 will be conditional gifts that she has to return in the event of divorce. I will return all her gifts too. No reason a cheater should get to keep my loving gifts.
    

   

 

 

• Insist on a paternity test when she becomes pregnant. I do not care if her and I are fully in love and not experiencing any problems, I will insist on a paternity test because you never know. I do not know what she is doing 24/7. I will be nice about it and try to convince her that I do not think she is cheating but that I need to be 100% certain because of all the stories online about false paternity. If she refuses, I will file for divorce and contest paternity so that a mandatory paternity test is done. Ideally I would want a neo-natal paternity test. I might even convince her that the neo-natal paternity test is necessary to do genetic screening for the health of the baby.
  

 

 

• I will install a keylogger on the house computer and her laptop (as long as it is not a company laptop). I will also be kind enough to pay for her phone service so that I can monitor her messages and outgoing calls. GPS tracker will be placed on her car in a discrete position. I will not let her know about these steps but will be kind enough to share all my passwords (other than bank accounts) with her. That way this white lie will not be so bad. If friendly countries can do it to one another in international espionage, I feel it is fine for couples to do it. I am only afraid that if she finds out, she will be really angry but then I will just try to convince her that it was because I was afraid of losing her. Hopefully she will understand? Honest opinion on this matter ladies? Is preemptive spying a good idea?
  

 

 

• If we make it past the 10 year mark, when the prenuptial agreement most likely has a sunset clause and has become invalidated, I will insist on her signing a postnuptial agreement. As I found out on LS, affairs can happen 15+ years into the marriage. The postnuptial agreement will have the same terms as the prenuptial agreement. My wife will not be able to claim my assets.
  

 

 

• My life insurance policy will pay out half to my parents and the other half to my wife. I don't want to give my wife financial incentives to have me killed. I have read some stories about wives killing their husbands over the life insurance money so that she and her lover can live happily ever after.
  

 

 

• I will tell her how beautiful she is on a nearly daily basis and how glad I am to have her in my life. I will do spontaneous things for us. I will also see if she is willing to do spontaneous things for me or if she is indifferent. How do you know if your wife still loves you 10 years or so into the marriage?
  

 

 

• We will also have regular sex regardless of how much work I have. I would much rather have sex and a faithful wife than sleep. I will be willing to try new things for her. I probably won't want to introduce a third person into the bedroom.
  
  • How often should we have sex? I know it differs for people but on average? Once a week?
    

   

 

 

• Annually hire a private investigator to follow my wife around and check to see what she is up to. I am not sure how much they cost but I am thinking follow my wife for about 5 weeks scattered throughout the year. Valentine's day will definitely be monitored because this is the day of the year most affairs are caught by PIs.
  

 

 

• I want to install hidden cameras or webcams in the living room and bedroom to see who is coming into my house but I think this is illegal and my wife would kill me....
  
  • Are installing hidden webcams and cameras illegal in one's own house without the knowledge of the other spouse? Not in the bathroom or anything but other rooms.
    

   

 

 

• Depending on the cost and willingness of my wife, take a lie detector test every two years to see if she has had an affair. I will take one too.
  

 

• I won't go out to the bars with coworkers but will come home directly most of the time to hang out with my wife so she does not feel neglected. I would expect her to do the same for me too. I hate if she has to work late hours.
  
  • If she works late hours, I will call her office phone number to make sure she is there. I will also randomly drop by with "dinner" to check up on her.
    

   

 

 

• Annual Blood Tests - Pretext for checking if either of us have STDs.
  

 

 

• If she still cheats on me after all these steps, I will divorce her immediately and keep my assets. I will be crushed but at least financially, she is not able to emasculate me. I will then seek to find another person more worthy of my love. I will fight for 50/50 custody of any of my biological children. I do not think children should be deprived of their caring parents regardless of what happened.
  

 

 

I realize some of these are extreme measures. I swear I am NOT A TROLL. I am serious about these measures. The thought of affairs and divorce has scared me greatly and my heart breaks for those marriages that end in such a horrid manner. Sometimes people fall out of love but there is no reason to stab someone in the back. This is especially true for someone that you ONCE CLAIMED TO LOVE. Hopefully my plan can protect me financially and demotivate my wife to cheat. Without any financial reason to be with me, my wife should only like me emotionally and physically.

 

Any legit feedback on my plan of action is appreciated. You can tell me if it is stupid. Some parts are extreme but I was wondering if anyone has done any of these. I would also like to hear from women especially about the money aspect...including the prenuptial agreement and the paternity test request.

 

Thanks

[ghgh750]

Reading through all this...there might be a reason why i am single... But in all honesty, some of these things I think are good precautions.

 

Preemptive spying is a good idea IMO and both spouses should do it.

[trist]

now, at 21, i don't think you should be worried so much about the novel you just posted... are you looking for love or a business arrangement?? because i've seen less paperwork having to be done for a lease or a car loan...

 

maybe you should take a step back from LS if it's the route of all your anxiety... this is usually the WORST CASE SCENARIO, you can't base ALL FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS from here... however, what you could do if you do want to better yourself is read up as to WHY these women cheated, or WHY these women left their significant others... what steps you can take to prevent that from happening yourself...

 

SPYING isn't a good idea unless your name ends with the letters CIA or FBI...

 

i'm not even going to comment on the rest of the stuff because some of it is beyond over the top... i have a suggestion though... your ideal woman is going to be one that is blind, deaf and mute... that is the perfect choice for you and your requirements...

 

there also seems to be an underlying paranoia for you, for someone who clearly hasn't had that much experience in dating, you've got a lengthy list of ground rules that pretty much guarantees the best thing you got going for you is if you cheat on yourself... meaning, if you're a righty, switch it up to your left and vice versa... curious, but what's the situation at home like with your parents??

 

ps - step away from LS... go somewhere happier... like i dunno... a disneyland forum... you can't handle emo so no LS or anything relating to twilight sagas...

[ghgh750]

Thanks for the reply. I don't know why this issue has me so paranoid. I guess now that I am more ready to date, I am kind of worried about running into the wrong person.

 

My home life is good. My parents have been together for 20+ years. They argue sometimes but nothing serious. I never suspected an affair on either of their parts but reading these stories, I think ANYONE can have an affair so idk.

 

I believe my Dad did accuse my mom of cheating once before but that seems impossible given the amount of time she spent home with me. Maybe my Dad was just saying random **** or maybe he himself was having an affair...idk.

[trist]

can i give you a friendly piece of advice?? and i'm doing so because even though you are probably the most paranoid cheating phobe person i have ever met in my entire life (especially one who has never been cheated on before) here's the thing with cheating...

 

if it's going to happen, it's going to happen... there is NOTHING that you or anyone else can do about it... it's best you get that into your head and enjoy whatever comes along your way...

 

tip number 2?? the fastest and best way to drive your woman into the arms of another man?? be clingy... be jealous... be a paranoid douche...

 

you've got our whole life ahead of you, and from the sounds of it, shaping up to be a good one... don't ruin the relationship aspect of it even before it begins... enjoy it, enjoy life, date around before you start worrying about marriage, installing motion activated heat sensor cameras all through your house, and subjecting someone to annual blood tests, lie detectors (that's DEF not gonna fly unless she's just in it for your money, and $80K a year isn't enough to mooch off of) and just BREATHE and RELAX... you're gonna give yourself an ulcer or heart attack before you hit 25...

[Million.to.1]

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• :lmao:
  

 

 

 

• :laugh::laugh:
  

 

 

 

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I am ****ing speechless.

[TaraMaiden]

I lost interest at "The girl that I date will be average looking"...

 

 

well big news - most of us are.....

 

sheesh.....

[ghgh750]

Actually putting this all in writing has actually made me realize the absurdity of some of it.

 

I will put this on the backburner for now and enjoy life but I do believe in always protecting one's financial assets in any marriage. Prenup is a good idea regardless of cheating.

 

I also think that splitting on dates is a good idea. These two are essential for me and reasonable in my opinion. What do you guys think?

 

Paternity test is something I believe I won't budge on because I would be devastated if I raised someone that was not mine. I might do it secretly but then having to wait 9 months and then some till the child is ready for the test would be grueling.

 

Thanks for the replies. Writing was almost cathartic.

[trist]

you want to split, fine... just don't be a douche about it... me personally, i'm a little old fashioned... i like to take care of my girl... and the girls can do subtle things to make it all the more better... like the fake move to their wallet...

 

paternity test though is out of line... not for your WIFE... cross that bridge when you get there...

 

prenup, normal... you can pretty much scratch the rest... lie detector, lol... that is awesome though...

[Million.to.1]

What i think, is that you think too much.

 

you have never been in love or had a girlfriend or had sex. How could you possibly know what love is?

 

If you can't trust, you can't love.

 

By protecting yourself so much, you are shutting yourself off from truly being open in accepting someone into your life. You have to be vulnerable to experience love.. there is no way of protecting yourself from hurt. You can't just make these rules and expect someone else to just accept this boardline crazy stalker monitoring bull****.

Will your wife be allowed to buy her own house? Go live there if she wants?

 

I suggest you get yourself a blow-up doll or buy a wife from Russia or something.

 

When you meet someone truly amazing that you want to be with just because they make you feel so damn good, none of this crap will matter to you.

[Afishwithabike]

Wow!

 

I hope you're a troll. That was certainly quite entertaining.

 

I rarely post on LS anymore, but I had to log in to respond to this post in case you're actually telling the truth and not trolling.

 

You're so over the top. You come off as crazy. If that's not the impression you don't want to give to average, down to earth girls who don't go to clubs then lose the paranoia.

 

Good luck finding someone. I'm not being sarcastic. However, given your incredibly over the top requirements and paranoia, I don't see how you'll sustain even a long-term dating relationship let alone a marriage. You will be your own worst enemy.

 

You can come up with a list like this but you can't prevent someone from cheating. Unless you're handcuffed to them 24 hours/7 days a week, the other person can still cheat. You can't build a wall high enough to stop cheating.

 

Don't drive yourself crazy thinking of ways to stop infidelity. Meet some nice girls. Talk to them like a normal person. Date. Have fun. Develop some real people skills. If you get married, great. A prenup isn't a bad idea. That's the attorney in me saying that. But for the love of all things holy, don't bust out a list like this to a girl and for god's sake don't require your wife to submit to a paternity test. I can guarantee that last one is the kiss of death.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Afishwithabike

[ghgh750]

All very true statements. I guess I got to take some calculated risks. PIs, Lie detectors are absurd but just wanted to see what people said. As far as paternity test goes....I just can't get over the idea of being naively duped but I will cross that bridge once (or if) I get there.

 

Since you are a lawyer: Quick question:

 

Can my prenup have those clauses I mentioned, especially the alimony waiver, house equity forfeiture (maybe a quit claim deed would be good), and 401K waiver?

 

I realize there are many more aspects but assuming the prenup is conscionable (will it be if she is excluded from everything) and not signed under duress? She will obviously have her own attorney to review it.

 

Thanks. As odd as this sounds, talking this out has made me realize how foolish some of these things are. I guess I was just shocked at how cruel and sad some of the wayward spouses were. I personally have never dealt with such betrayal and was shocked to see such a contrast to my sheltered life.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

LOL. I'll have to assume that this is all tongue-in-cheek.

 

With that being said, there are no guarantees in life nor relationships. At some point you will make the decision to trust a woman with your heart and soul. Don't be so paranoid, just be aware. Risk nothing, gain nothing.

[irin]

im not gonna lie, those threads have definitely effected me as well, im also 21, but im a girl, reading the OW threads has absolutely shattered my dreams of a marriage. before i discovered these forums i used to think cheating only existed in soap-operas and films. i had no clue how cruel some of the ow and mm were! and to make it all worse i have no experience in dating i always refused to date guys, hoping to save myself for marriage. but not so sure now! i have stopped reading them, and i think you should too! and not think about them!

[96nole]

im not gonna lie, those threads have definitely effected me as well, im also 21, but im a girl, reading the OW threads has absolutely shattered my dreams of a marriage. before i discovered these forums i used to think cheating only existed in soap-operas and films. i had no clue how cruel some of the ow and mm were! and to make it all worse i have no experience in dating i always refused to date guys, hoping to save myself for marriage. but not so sure now! i have stopped reading them, and i think you should too! and not think about them!

 

You both are only 21. Neither of you realize how young that really is.

Average looking women can cheat just as easy as models. it has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with the character of the cheater.

 

You are both too young to be worried about if someone is going to cheat on you, or if your spouse will cheat. There is little to nothing you can do to stop it.

 

Yep, the cheating spouse can be pretty damn cruel. I know my STBXW was very loving towards me. But she changed and became pretty cruel towards me. Said some very hurtful things. Now I'm looking forward to never seeing or talking to her again. There was nothing more I could do. But I don't regret the first 14 years we were together. The last year I do.

 

I had complete trust and faith in her. That's the way a marriage should be. I loved her and didn't think she could be a person who was capable of what she has done. It hurts like nothing I can describe. BUT, it will not stop me from getting into another long term relationship or even getting married again.

 

Irin: how do you expect to get married if you don't date? You need to date people so you can learn what you want and don't want in a partner. Don't let what is written on this board to shatter your dreams of marriage. There are a lot of reasons a marriage can fail. There are also a lot of reasons a marriage can succeed. And there is no guarantee that you won't end up being the one who will cheat.

 

ghgh750: relax a bit. Look out for yourself but not to the point that the relationship won't last because of it. You can't control people or their actions. You will have to trust them. If they break that trust, show them the door and move on to the next woman.

-If you demand a paternity test you can bet she will be out the door asap.

-You will have regular sex until life gets in the way. Some months you may have sex 8-10 times. The next month you may not have any at all.

-If she finds out about a PI, she will be out the door. At least I know I would be.

-Insurance policy: OK that was funny. I'm sure you also read the stories about the wife and lover spending the rest of their lives in jail.

-post-nuptial agreement: another funny one. good luck getting her to sign it. Also after 10 years, pretty much your assets are hers as well. Anything that is purchased during the marriage is considered marital property. Meaning it's hers and yours. After 10 years, that's pretty much everything.

 

Chill out man.

[PlumPrincess]

Reading through all this...there might be a reason why i am single...

[PlumPrincess]

I hardly read the OW/OM boards. If you do that for a while you really start losing trust in mankind. Actually, you should read the section about dating. You will need it if you want to get married one day. If you think cheating in your marriage is a problem, start dating...

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[missloyal]

Hello guys,

 

I have only recently come across LS Infidelity forums and I almost wish I never had. I am a 21 year old young man about to graduate from college. I have done really well in school, have a great high-paying job lined up for me after graduation, have the support of loving parents and friends, and have my whole life ahead of me to look forward to. However, after reading about divorce laws (alimony, 50/50 assets, no fault, etc.) and infidelity stories, I have essentially lost all hope in the concept of relationships, love, and marriage. This might sound extreme but for some reason, I am obsessed with reading these stories, researching divorce laws, and other legal aspects. It does not seem like this fear is subsiding any time soon and was looking for some advice from all of you. I totally understand the feeling of not eating for days when you discover an affair. I do not want to talk to any of my friends or family because they would think this is a stupid fear to have at such an early age. I, however, like to be prepared for the future.

 

I also wanted to express how truly sad/sorry I am to hear about all of these wayward spouse (WS?) stories. Betrayed Spouses all deserve better. The concept of taking vows and promising to love one another seems sacred to me regardless of culture and religion. The thought that someone that once claimed to love you can do such a terrible act sickens me. It sickens me even more when I hear that affairs last longer than a ONS. Even though a ONS is unforgivable in my opinion, an affair lasting longer (some even lasting YEARS) appears like a despicable and heinous act. Such betrayal even appears worse than death at times. I give credit to couples that can reconcile after an affair. I can never imagine doing that if my wife/girlfriend cheated on me. The thought would drive me insane and eat away at me. I do not think it can ever be forgotten. I think the worst is when a woman does not admit an affair and leads a man to raise a child he believes is his. DNA does not make a father but he should always have the choice to proceed or not.

 

I have never been in a serious relationship b/c I have been always been work focused. As a result, I am still a virgin (loser ... I know but whatever). In order to avoid the emotional and financial trauma associated with possible affairs and divorce in the future, here is my plan of action

 

Future Plan:

 

 

• The girls I date will be average looking. On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being a perfect model, I would date women in the range from 4 - 6s. I am an average looking guy so this one is not too much of a sacrifice. However, even if I got a very attractive girl, I would refuse because it would make me insecure and paranoid. Attractive people are more likely to cheat since they have more opportunity.In fact, I would want to date someone maybe slightly less attractive than me but still cute. I need to ensure that there is physical attraction between us because without it, I think sex would suck and there would be no passion. Marriage would suck and cheating risk would go up. I want to appear to be the settler in the relationship.
  
  • How does one know if there is passion between couples? How do I know if a girl likes my physical appearance and not just my personality/money? I read a couple of posts about women who like their husband but are not sexually attracted to them so they cheat to get passion. I do not want this to happen.
    

 

 

• The personalities of the girls I date will be down-to-earth and not high maintenance. If they act arrogant and think they are princesses, I will leave because I believe that these people are the ones who blameshift and will pin every thing that goes wrong on me (the husband). This will only justify their motivations to have an affair.
  
  • To watch out for malignant narcissists, I will see how they react towards other people, especially waiters and other people lower than them/serving them, etc. I will also see how they react when inconvenienced. I want to see if they help me out in my time of need. Any other suggestions about how to spot a narcissist or sociopath early on in the relationship? I could ask my future wife to take a psych evaluation but she might freak out....It breaks my heart to read stories about spouses living with one another and not realizing that their significant other is a narcissist and does not care about the consequences of their affairs until it is too late. How can someone pretend to be in love with you for so long?
    

 

 

• I will avoid girls that drink and like to go to clubs like a diabetic avoiding sugar. These types of girls are often times sluttier and have much lower inhibitions. Drinking, especially in excess, at clubs and bars are a recipe for disaster. For girl's night out, I would much rather prefer my wife go to like a book club or something.
  
  • To be fair, for my guy's night out, I play video games or something recreational like bowling.
    

 

 

• I do not want to date a girl that comes from a broken family. Divorced parents set a bad precedent in my opinion. However, past experience does not always indicate future ones so I might be flexible.
  
  • Any history of sexual abuse will be a red flag that prevents me from pursuing a relationship with the person because they are more unstable and likely to cheat.
    

 

 

• I don't want my wife to have had any serious relationships in the past because that just increases her chances for having a fling at like a high school reunion or something. Plus how do you even know if someone has gotten over their ex or first love? I don't have such an experience so I cannot comment but I don't want to be anyone's second choice.
  

 

 

• I don't want to be with a woman who has many guy friends because I genuinely do not think that straight men and women can be completely platonic friends. There is always some level of attraction.
  
  • I won't allow my wife to hang out with another man alone for a long period of time or activities like going to the movies. I also won't hang out with other women alone.
    

 

 

• When dating my girlfriend, I will insist on her paying her half during dates. I don't care if this comes off as cheap but I will pay for stuff only on the first one or two dates and after that, she is expected to pay her share. I am not a goddamn ATM machine. If women want equality, they should act in the same manner.
  
  • I don't want a girl to date me for my money or because she is benefiting financially. Any other ways to spot a golddigger? By making her pay for half, she will have no financial reason to be with me...only emotional and physical.
    
  • Even though it might not be fair to ask her to pay half if she earns less than me, I will only date/marry a woman that earns at least 60-75% of what I am earning currently. I am earning $80,000 currently so she should be earning at least $50,000 - $60,000. Otherwise, it might be a deal breaker for me. Love should not depend on money but in the real world, most marriages end because of financial reasons. Also, if she does have an affair, at least she has to spend her own money and not hurt me financially on top of emotionally.
    

 

 

• I will insist on a prenuptial agreement before marriage.
  
  • Every asset I acquired before the marriage will belong to me and my parents regardless of what happens in the marriage. I will most likely buy a house and car before marriage and they will all be in my name. I might even put the assets in the name of my parents (even though I will be paying for it) so that I will eventually get it through inheritance. I will refuse to put her name on these assets so that she cannot make a claim to them. I will also see if there is a way to ask her to sign a waiver disqualifying her from making a claim to the equity that builds up in the house during the marriage. To be fair, if she is helping me make mortgage payments, I will write a stipulation that I will repay her in the event of divorce for her monetary contributions.
    
  • She will have to waive any right to my 401K, investments, or any other assets. I do not believe spouses even contribute to these things. I have no idea why judges even give them this claim. I will also waive my right to any of her assets. Simply because she cooks me dinner does not mean she contributed to my wise financial decisions...especially if she cannot tell the difference between a mutual fund or a call option.
    
  • I will insist on signing an alimony waiver so that she is not entitled to maintenance in the event of divorce. I might still be on the hook for some payments if she becomes a lazy bum and is a burden to public welfare but I will not let her quit her job.
    
  • We both should maintain individual bank accounts. Joint accounts with equal monthly contributions from both us will be established to pay joint bills.
    
  • Individual credit cards and their respective loans are NOT RECOGNIZED as community property debt. There might be a joint credit card but I will watch it like a hawk and it will have a low credit limit so that she cannot go crazy. I don't want to get stuck with debt if she decides to leave me.
    
  • Not sure if legal but: I will try to add a stipulation that every piece of jewelry/gifts that I give her over $100 will be conditional gifts that she has to return in the event of divorce. I will return all her gifts too. No reason a cheater should get to keep my loving gifts.
    

 

 

• Insist on a paternity test when she becomes pregnant. I do not care if her and I are fully in love and not experiencing any problems, I will insist on a paternity test because you never know. I do not know what she is doing 24/7. I will be nice about it and try to convince her that I do not think she is cheating but that I need to be 100% certain because of all the stories online about false paternity. If she refuses, I will file for divorce and contest paternity so that a mandatory paternity test is done. Ideally I would want a neo-natal paternity test. I might even convince her that the neo-natal paternity test is necessary to do genetic screening for the health of the baby.
  

 

 

• I will install a keylogger on the house computer and her laptop (as long as it is not a company laptop). I will also be kind enough to pay for her phone service so that I can monitor her messages and outgoing calls. GPS tracker will be placed on her car in a discrete position. I will not let her know about these steps but will be kind enough to share all my passwords (other than bank accounts) with her. That way this white lie will not be so bad. If friendly countries can do it to one another in international espionage, I feel it is fine for couples to do it. I am only afraid that if she finds out, she will be really angry but then I will just try to convince her that it was because I was afraid of losing her. Hopefully she will understand? Honest opinion on this matter ladies? Is preemptive spying a good idea?
  

 

 

• If we make it past the 10 year mark, when the prenuptial agreement most likely has a sunset clause and has become invalidated, I will insist on her signing a postnuptial agreement. As I found out on LS, affairs can happen 15+ years into the marriage. The postnuptial agreement will have the same terms as the prenuptial agreement. My wife will not be able to claim my assets.
  

 

 

• My life insurance policy will pay out half to my parents and the other half to my wife. I don't want to give my wife financial incentives to have me killed. I have read some stories about wives killing their husbands over the life insurance money so that she and her lover can live happily ever after.
  

 

 

• I will tell her how beautiful she is on a nearly daily basis and how glad I am to have her in my life. I will do spontaneous things for us. I will also see if she is willing to do spontaneous things for me or if she is indifferent. How do you know if your wife still loves you 10 years or so into the marriage?
  

 

 

• We will also have regular sex regardless of how much work I have. I would much rather have sex and a faithful wife than sleep. I will be willing to try new things for her. I probably won't want to introduce a third person into the bedroom.
  
  • How often should we have sex? I know it differs for people but on average? Once a week?
    

 

 

• Annually hire a private investigator to follow my wife around and check to see what she is up to. I am not sure how much they cost but I am thinking follow my wife for about 5 weeks scattered throughout the year. Valentine's day will definitely be monitored because this is the day of the year most affairs are caught by PIs.
  

 

 

• I want to install hidden cameras or webcams in the living room and bedroom to see who is coming into my house but I think this is illegal and my wife would kill me....
  
  • Are installing hidden webcams and cameras illegal in one's own house without the knowledge of the other spouse? Not in the bathroom or anything but other rooms.
    

 

 

• Depending on the cost and willingness of my wife, take a lie detector test every two years to see if she has had an affair. I will take one too.
  

• I won't go out to the bars with coworkers but will come home directly most of the time to hang out with my wife so she does not feel neglected. I would expect her to do the same for me too. I hate if she has to work late hours.
  
  • If she works late hours, I will call her office phone number to make sure she is there. I will also randomly drop by with "dinner" to check up on her.
    

 

 

• Annual Blood Tests - Pretext for checking if either of us have STDs.
  

 

 

• If she still cheats on me after all these steps, I will divorce her immediately and keep my assets. I will be crushed but at least financially, she is not able to emasculate me. I will then seek to find another person more worthy of my love. I will fight for 50/50 custody of any of my biological children. I do not think children should be deprived of their caring parents regardless of what happened.
  

 

I realize some of these are extreme measures. I swear I am NOT A TROLL. I am serious about these measures. The thought of affairs and divorce has scared me greatly and my heart breaks for those marriages that end in such a horrid manner. Sometimes people fall out of love but there is no reason to stab someone in the back. This is especially true for someone that you ONCE CLAIMED TO LOVE. Hopefully my plan can protect me financially and demotivate my wife to cheat. Without any financial reason to be with me, my wife should only like me emotionally and physically.

 

Any legit feedback on my plan of action is appreciated. You can tell me if it is stupid. Some parts are extreme but I was wondering if anyone has done any of these. I would also like to hear from women especially about the money aspect...including the prenuptial agreement and the paternity test request.

 

Thanks

OMG. this is a highly detailed pre-nup and I think you are right in this day and age to think of all the things that you have obviously thought about in writting this. On the other hand all the sneaking around hiring PI's and wanting web cams in the house, Come on if you meet a woman that you think would be made of the right stuff to be good enough to become your wife then you realy have to think about love and realise that whilst things can get upset in your married life like after childbirth your wife may be tired and want a rest from sex, so don't think that this means she is cheating. Not all women cheat. I am a 44 year old woman who was married for 10 years to a constant cheater and only once I realised he would never stop despite making faulse promisses did I leave him.Things are good for me now but Ilive with a man I will not marry in a hurry as I have come to realise that no one is perfect and this man may have problems that would mean most women would not take the time or be bothered to try and help him with but I am different and would do and have done lots to help him with issues he has and im sure he loves me more because I will always help him with whatever the problem is.He is not a man that I looked at when I met him and thought how hunky he was because in all honesty he is 18 stone ,bald with glasses and mostly grey hair but Ilove him and fell inlove with his personality and became good friends then lovers. A pre- nup is ok to do but make it more compact and dont assume the worst it can screw your head up and the other persons.

[Bellechica]

Ghgh750,

I does seem that you have become obssessed about infidelity, and you aren't even dating. I think you would benefit from IC. I don't see how you will be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman if you feel the way you do now. Yes, most definitely get some IC to work on your anxiety and fears.

Good luck.

[gaius]

You better not read Moby Dick if you hope to have a healthy relationship with the ocean.

Edited May 17, 2012 by gaius

[drifter777]

Ok, here's the thing; you are right to fear that your partner will cheat on you and destroy whatever relationship you have built. Thank God, I have never had to endure the horror of losing a child (which I believe would kill me) but next to that, my wife's cheating is the most devastating, painful, disgusting, horrible event I have ever had to live through. It nearly killed me as I was suicidal for a few months and suffered a deep depression for years.

 

Going into a relationship with your eyes wide open is smart. However, there is a flaw in your thinking because you have never fell head-over-heels in love. You have heard the expression "love is blind" and, for me, there is no truer statement. The number of poems, songs, and other stories written by men blinded by love and then betrayed are too numerous to enumerate. Being crazy in love with a woman and looking past all of her faults is a natural part of the human condition. It is truly a "fog" that overcomes a man's good judgement so he will accept a woman unconditionally to advance the ultimate human instinct to procreate. All of this is to say that when you find that special woman who makes you go "ga-ga", you are likely to forget everything because "she is different". At that time you should go back and re-read your original post in an attempt to make it all real. It may help open your eyes and remind you that your woman is human, complete with human faults.

 

Yes, your OP is extreme and somewhat silly. However you fear is justified in that some 40% of women will cheat on their husband. And this is just the ones that admit it or are discovered. I think it may be as much as double this number because it is so, so easy for a woman to have sex. All a woman has to do is not say no and she'll find herself in bed with some guy within a few hours. It's probably smart to simply assume she will cheat and make that the cornerstone of your pre-nup. Having your children DNA tested is also wise as the numbers of cuckolded husbands is greater than anyone believes. You should, however, do the testing without your wife's knowledge as it will be an insult to her and, if the child is yours, she may resent your baseless accusation which leads to larger problems.

 

The other items in your post about how you will choose your perspective mate is what is foolish because, as I explained above, the heart wants what the heart wants and a million years of human evaluation simply cannot be overcome just because you want it to.

 

Finally, based on statistics alone, you should assume you will cheat as well and think about what that could mean to your marriage. The published numbers all show that men are more likely to cheat than women, and ignoring this statistic seems sexist and just plan stupid to me.

 

Don't use this fear as your excuse to avoid dating women. I very much doubt this is the real reason you have not been in a serious relationship and are still a virgin. Something else is going on and you probably know what it is. If not, seek some counseling and try to understand and work through your issues.

[ghgh750]

PlumPrincess:

 

I am Asian and I take no offense to the question. I guess I could agree to a certain extent to the generalization that Asians might live more sheltered lives. Asians have historically been more work driven and honor bound so have not engaged in a lot of premarital sexual activity. I know my religion and culture usually frowned upon me chasing girls instead of studying and building a life for myself. A lot of westerners, including my fellow friends, would disagree but I do not regret my past actions. Yea it would have been cool if I could have hooked up with girls in high school but I have always been a family-oriented man in the sense that I will not begin to date someone unless I like them both emotionally and physically so that maybe one day we could get married and start a family. This might be stupid but I guess my cultural upbringing brought me up like this.

My culture also has arranged marriages but they are falling out of practice. Adultery is very low in our culture (well to my knowledge) so growing up, infidelity and divorce were not very common. I guess the main reason why I was so shocked to read all of these infidelity stories is that I just cannot believe that someone you spend years with, who claims to love you, could look you directly in the eyes for months or years on end and lie to you. This is even more so with women who lie about paternity. Once the truth is found out, I feel like your years together between the affair and D-Day (is that the correct term?) would all be a lie. My parents and I are very close and we never lie to one another. Pretty much the same with my friends. As a result, the idea of being betrayed by my partner for life never crossed my mind until I stumbled across these dark places of the internet. Maybe it started off as an obsession but now it is waning but still a warning sign in my mind.

Last week, some girl asked me for my number at a party and even though I gave it to her, I am still hesitant to go to lunch with her because she seems like a risky candidate. I do not want to invest my time in someone who will only betray me. However, I cannot always do this because then I will die alone...hopefully with money but still alone.

 

 

96nole:

 

I am sorry to hear about what happened with your wife and you after 14 years of marriage. Stories like that are what scare me. After 14 years together, you would think that your love would be unconditional or near to it. I just can't imagine how I would react if the person I loved for nearly a decade and a half just betrayed me and told me to **** off. On top of that, she is also legally entitled to take all the money I worked hard for. Why should she get half my stuff if she is the one who decides to betray me? Especially if she did not contribute that much financially. Some people say she supported emotionally but what the hell....she is not the one picking out stocks to invest in, she is not the one modeling in excel, etc. And when it comes to alimony...where is the man's standard of living? I will no longer have someone at home to help cook me food and hang out with me, etc. If you do not mind me asking, is there a link to your story/post? Also, since you are getting a divorce, what is settlement looking like? Are you losing? I guess I could go through your posts and see but was wondering if you had a direct link.

 

You are right. I will let my guard down and take risks. I won't be naive but I won't be cynical either. I will trust my gut and see where it leads me. If she betrays me, then I will learn my lesson. However, after I reach a certain age, I guess I will just probably have to stay with her even if she cheats because I don't have much experience in finding other people so that would be a sucky life. Or I could just be single but whatever no need to worry about that.

 

Prenuptial agreement I will not waiver on. I will protect myself financially because if she truly loved me for me, she would have no problem with this. Postnuptial agreements I might be willing to be relaxed about but if she is acting suspicious I will insist on signing it. I don't care if we are 60 years old, I will insist on a postnuptial agreement every 10 years. The more years we spend together, the more stuff she can take from me. I read about this one guy whose wife cheated on him 23 years ago and only told him now. If he wanted a divorce for her cheating ways, why should he have to lose half his stuff? I would divorce her if it were me and hope she suffered a lonely and guilt-ridden death. The past 23 years would be a lie.

 

Paternity test --> I would gauge the situation. If we were together most of the time during the lead up to the pregnancy and there were no problems, then I would not emphasize it too much. I might ask in a joking manner and explain my fears and hope she agrees to give me peace of mind. I just don't want to raise some other person's kid and be on hook for child support because of the presumption of paternity laws when couples are married. Lying about paternity is one of the cruelest things a woman can do and the fact that there are sick people that can do this leads me to believe that it is better to just ask for a paternity test. Hell, I might even ask my parents for one now but I don't because at this point, it doesn't really matter if my dad is my bio-dad or not. I love him regardless but during pregnancy, this is before the fact.

 

If my wife loves me, she should not be hesitant to accept a paternity test, prenuptial agreement, or postnuptial agreement. I will take care of her financially to a good degree, emotionally, and sexually but she should have no legal basis for that if she decides to leave.

Finally, my one other option is a nuclear one...that is to preemptively cheat. It is a dirty tactic and self-defeating but if handled secretly, it could lessen any emotional pain with my significant other cheating and even possibly give me a back-up partner in case of divorce. However, this is a horrible plan because it would make me a morally bankrupt person. I would not want my wife to do this so I should not. However, if my wife asked me for a prenup or postnup, I would agree. I don't care about taking her money. Even if she never buys me any gifts, it is fine as long as she hangs out with me. I would also agree to a lie detector test in exchange for a paternity test. I thought marriage was about compromise?

Irin:

 

I am glad to see that I am not the only person my age who stumbled upon this board. What made you come across LS Infidelity if you were not involved in a cheating situation? I stumbled upon this when studying divorce law for a class of mine and then I read stories about alimony and cheating wives and one thing led to another and here I am. I guess maybe we will get lucky and never encounter this horrible situation.

[ghgh750]

Drifter,

 

Thanks for the post. I will go in with my eyes open but not in a cynical manner. Falling head over heels ---> Hopefully that will not happen to me. I am a person who is not easily swayed by emotion because I am so guarded. Maybe it can happen but I will then think back to these stories.

 

Sorry to hear about your wife. Is there a link to your story on this message board? If so, do you mind me reading it? Thanks.

 

I don't understand why women are so against paternity test. THEY KNOW THE KID IS THEIRS. Why not give the person they love reassurance? I trust them on many other aspects...hell maybe they can even spend my money. I trust them to sleep next to me and not kill me. WHY IS PATERNITY TESTING SUCH A BIG DEAL? If she resents me testing her, then she is being illogical.

[samsungxoxo]

Oh dear that's a lot more than the expectations/list we women prefer in men. The more added on the list, the more likely you'll be waiting for years or the imaginary person won't show up.

 

Last thing I wanna do is date a paranoid man, obssessed about being cheated on.

Edited May 17, 2012 by samsungxoxo

[Danie]

Its good to think ahead to the future, to make plans and such, but don’t paint yourself into a corner with those plans. I’d think that as you get older and as you meet women your plans will change.

 

A word of caution: A mature woman, who is independent and seeks a true partnership with a man, isn’t going to stand for all the rules you have. She’s going to see you as a control freak and not want to be involved with you. Love is a chance, it’s a gamble, we win, we lose, some are so afraid of losing that they don’t even take the chance. Do you think you’re so afraid of losing that you’ll sabotage any chance you take on love? Just a thought.