Family Barriers to Reconciliation

[Brady47]

My wife and I are at the low of low's. Right now, on my desk in a sealed envelope is a retainer that I *may* send to my lawyer. But for some reason can't. Maybe i'm looking for a slam dunk excuse.....?

 

We have no kids- we are relatively young 31/32.

 

I initiated this whole divorce. I had an affair- fell into the fog- and believe it or not- may still be in it. (other woman is NOT involved anymore) Now the idea of getting back with my wife harbor's too much guilt. I told her everything, brutal honesty.

Wife exposed affair to her family- mother, father, brother.

Her family HATES me- despite knowing me for 10 years, they tell her that I am a "bad" person. etc etc....

 

I love my wife. Not necessary to point the irony please.

 

There could be a glimmer of hope for reconciliation but I still have issues of fulfillment. BUT even if I get over those issues... I don't think I would EVER feel comfortable being a second-class citizen when it comes to her family. The distrust and generalized dislike they have for me.

My wife says she will give up her family for me. Estrange them.... she is so selfless. But I am afraid of getting back to her, falling in the same rut, and screwing up her life even more.... it is so difficult!

 

My mother is my only family. I don't have as much support as I like because few people really know how I feel and what has transpired....

 

(post below is email I sent to in-laws today after coming across a "note" to my wife with numerous derogatory remarks concerning me and my transgressions....)

[Brady47]

Dear Mr X and Mrs X

First. Don't worry. This is most likely the last interaction that you will have with me. Please don't reply. Bxxxx is cc'd.

 

This is so sad as Bxxx just visited me at work in xxxxx, WI with Doggy yesterday evening. We hugged and we shared genuine feelings and were glad to see each other. I enjoyed introducing Bxxxx to people at work and I was proud to have her in my life. It put a smile on my face and gave me hope. Now, as I sit in my condo doing laundry and consolidating paperwork before I go back to my apartment It came to light that you would like me to "stop interacting" with my wife.

 

I want to be clear. It is utterly humiliating that I have to share and discuss my relationship with you- the most intimate part of my life is now part of Gxxxx family table discussions if not all of Hxxxx Lane. As a physician, my daily/work life is public, every day I go to work with the most vile people at times who have expectations and demands concerning their well-being. Because I cannot fix everyone's life, cure cancer, and heal every patients illness. I continually get feedback telling me I am "terrible" and "bad". This is the life that I am constantly subjected too and this is how I now believe I am. Feelings of worthlessness and loneliness have been an issue that have now become ingrained in my "being." Any iota of privacy is something that I had cherished and held dearly, but now that every detail of my marriage has been shared with the Glxxxx I simply cannot do it anymore. Not even my own family is aware of intimate details of my relationship as I considered some topics too personal. I have never allowed anyone to ever speak bad about Bxxxx and would never give them ammunition to do so- as their opinion is not warranted when dealing with someone so close. Whether I sought emotional or physical reassurance outside of marriage is between Bxxxx and I, a problem that I will freely admit and felt that could be addressed through self reflection and utmost humility with my wife. Guilt is something that I have caused to myself and regret many many things- but to now share this with you is a violation of my privacy.

 

I am terribly sorry, but I do not verbally abuse your daughter. I don't sit here and tell Bxxxx that she is a bad person, I do not and have never planned to emotionally abuse my wife. It simply and categorically does not happen. When we fight feelings get hurt- that's why it is called fighting. Maybe bad qualities and unsavory sentiments are exaggerated during times of strife? Have you thought of that? If that is her interpretation then I am sorry to her- it obviously means I failed, yet again, at communicating my needs and frustrations in the marriage. There are two sides to every story. One should only make judgement after hearing both sides. I assure you- you only have one perspective. Believe it or not, I am a human being suffering through a failed marriage and I also feel terrible, alone, and abandoned. Emotional affair is one thing but so is emotional and physical abandonment.

 

Yes, I am vilified and a failure. I am a jerk and below dirt. I have called myself all those things and many many more terrible and repulsive things. I certainly deserve some if not the majority of the blame but it is important for all parties to know that a marriage is between two people not one. It is complex, organic, and dynamic. High's today can be low's tomorrow. In my opinion there was a sparkle of light & a glimmer of hope to which a matrix could be constructed- at least in my mind. Whether it was leaving MN and starting fresh- a change of environment was needed and I was willing to be selfless for this, for anything else. But not the case anymore.

 

Can you imagine the false hugs between us for the rest of our lives after this? Knowing how you view me? There is no family backing anymore. I do know that without any family support there is no hope.

 

Yes, this is NOW a failed marriage.

 

I am sorry more than I can every express.

.Brady47..

Edited May 17, 2012 by Brady47

[tojaz]

You said it yourself Brady, a marriage is between 2 people. Not just one, and not 5 or 6 either.

 

 

If your going to start working towards reconciliation, you have to remember that, your doing it because you love your wife. The rest doesn't matter. If you decide not to persue it, same thing, do it because you don't love her anymore, not because her family will look down at you.

 

The choices you made will always be there, but if you both can learn from the experience and rebuild a stronger marriage where infidelity is no longer a concern, her family should be able to respect that in time and after jumping through a few flaming hoops. Trust and respect will have to be earned, and they will set the standard.

 

Thats the price you pay, thats why they call it "forgiving the unforgivable"

 

TOJAZ

[Snowflower]

I am in a similar situation...except that I am in your wife's shoes.

 

How did your in-laws come to know all the intimate details (as you say) about your marriage and possibly, the affair as well? Did your wife tell them? If so, then that is HER doing. It seems like you are angry with your in-laws for knowing all this personal information about you and your marriage but it was your wife who divulged all the details.

 

Do you want to reconcile with your wife? It seems like you do from what you post but maybe don't know how.

 

It was certainly your wife's right to tell her family what she wished about your choices but telling does open a can of worms particularly if you wish to reconcile.

 

When my H was betraying me, I misspoke and told my immediate family more details than I should have. As a result, my family will never forgive my husband. Like you mention, my husband is also fine with this but it hurts me. I don't think it is healthy for your wife to say that she will turn her back on her family to continue her marriage to you, but that is just my opinion.

 

IMO, I would leave it alone with your in-laws and if you want to try to reconcile with your wife, concentrate on that. She is your first concern anyway. Extended family relationships can be sorted out later. In the meantime, out of love for your wife (if you do reconcile), encourage her to continue her relationship with her family without you being involved at this time.

[Owl]

I'm curious if they know because your wife told them...and if you've discussed with her WHY she told them.

 

"Exposing the affair" is often a key step towards getting it to end in the hopes of reconciliation.

 

If that's the route she took...then the two of you need to inform her family that it worked (if you're reconciling) and that they need to back off and let the two of you work towards reconciliation.

 

I'm going to (gently hopefully) admonish you that if you are ashamed that they know about your affair...you shouldn't have had the affair. It's a simple repercussion of your choices.

 

It's their choice to forgive you or not, for that matter.

 

It's your choice (along with your wife) to choose to reconcile or not after the affair has ended.

 

Ok...they know...and they hate what you've done. Either take action to demonstrate to them that you're now a person no longer doing things they should hate, and give them time to see those changes.....or...move on without their forgiveness.

 

For the record...infidelity as a massive betrayal. You can't blame them for no longer trusting you, for not wanting their daughter with you at this point. You've demonstrated that you're capable of hurting her in a very, very painful way. Now you have to demonstrate to them that you're willing to do what it takes to repair that damage.

[Confused008]

You may not like what I have to say, but here is a different perspective, as I am in your wife's shoes, and I have told my parents and siblings and he has told his parents and siblings as well.

 

The first week I did regret it very much, however I was reminded by friends, counselors, and family that I needed all the support I could get right now as being the betrayed spouse is the most horrible thing to experience in life, same as grieving for death, IMO! She had the right to tell anyone that she felt safe with, because she thought she felt safe with you, but in her eyes it was a lie, and she needs positive support from people she can trust, which is her family. Going through this alone would have made her gone crazy, this is a very tough thing to go through alone, trust me. Your wife, for her own sanity had every right to get support from whom she thought would help her get through this horrific experience.

 

I asked my mom if I did take him back, if she would forgive him, and she said, "well yes, eventually, but only if you will, and I will do it for you". My father as well has mentioned that it is solely my decision and to take my time to decide what to do about this whole thing. My sister's -younger ones really hate him, but they are not married and are under 24 so they are young which I understand, but my older sister (married/kids) has been a great help and although she does hate him right now, she said the same thing as my mom in that she will eventually forgive him if I was wanting to fix our marriage, but it will definitely take a really really long time.

 

You said it yourself, it was your guilt and your wrong doing and you are open to admit it. That's great, but you cannot blame your spouse for your actions, because they are just that, your actions, your choice. You mentioned you were feeling low and felt bad about yourself, but did you communicate this to your wife? Or did you realize it was wrong to feel that way and seek help? If not, then again it was your choice to go a step further and disrespect your wife. You may have treated her with respect and never abused her, etc. as you have mentioned in your letter. But you made a choice to cheat emotionally or physically and that was you alone. Yes Marriage is between 2 people, but you made a choice to break it, not your wife. She had a choice and didn't cheat, but you did. You cannot sit there and tell her parents that she is to blame as well, that is not right, and you might be finding her to blame for it with your own reasoning, but it is only that one person's fault who made the action and choice to cheat.

 

I advise counseling asap if you haven't already, not only to get to the bottom of your reasoning behind the affair, but also to help you deal with your career and how that makes your feel on a daily basis. Sounds like there is something more deeper than this to deal with.

 

Please don't take any offense on on my comments, just wanted to put you in her shoes for a moment, and to give you a different perspective on what she might be feeling. But I cannot speak for her, as this is what I am feeling right now, as I am currently in your wife's shoes.

[Brady47]

I appreciate all the replies.

 

I assume she told them everything. She has every right too.

 

The ramifications from my actions and the now public affair make it impossible to overcome. Despite coming clean and wanting the best.

 

I don't think I would ever feel comfortable isolating her from her family. As I drove to work, I still think of the words her father used about me- I have always loved and respected my father-in-law but the playing field is just so different.

 

It's just so sad. I don't think that I am willing to wear a Scarlet Letter so-to-speak for the duration of my relationship when dealing with her family. Guilt is one thing, but lifelong shame.....

 

She has gotten over it and wants me back, she cries on the phone everynight, in fact, so do I. Sadness.

[Owl]

What specifically makes "it impossible to overcome"?

[Steen719]

 

It's just so sad. I don't think that I am willing to wear a Scarlet Letter so-to-speak for the duration of my relationship when dealing with her family. Guilt is one thing, but lifelong shame.....

 

1st You are just seeing the immediate future, not the long term future. Your wife's family loves her and will accept what she decides. You cannot expect them not to be upset, but that does not mean it will be forever. My family was upset the first time my XH cheated. They got over it and were very supportive of our marriage...that is until he cheated the 2nd time. You are looking at this so black and white and that is not how it will be. It will most likely be shades of those, with some concern and maybe resentment thrown in, but you must remember that they want her to be happy and if her choice is to stay with you, they will find a way to support her without you isolating her from them.

 

2nd In relation to the above, your letter to them should just say you love her, you regret the decisions you made and that you want to make it up to her and you will make every effort to do so. Tell them you understand their being upset with you and you hope that in time, they will see that you are sincere about making their daughter happy. Don't be so angry at them. They are doing what they feel is right for their daughter and your letter sounds defensive.

 

3rd If you want to stay married and you love your wife, then you really need to buck up. Have NO contact with this OW if you are still in the fog. You will get over it. Make a promise to yourself and to your wife that you will not contact her and honor it. Go to IC and MC. You need to decide what is creating your fulfillment issues. What is that about?

 

There is no free ride here and no one said it would be easy. You must accept what is done and make an informed, conscious decision and honor it. If you want your marriage to work, you better get to work on it. If you have read these forums, you know that so many of us are unhappy with what has transpired in our marriages and that some have reconciled successfully. I am of a mind that love is not easy to find. Lust, satisfaction, admiration....that can come easily to us, but the kind of love most people want..the stick with you, be there through thick and thin kind of love does not happen every day. So either make it work or get off the train. If you can't reciprocate the kind of love she has offered you, then let her find it with someone who will.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

I'd like to point out that my wife had similar concerns shortly after d-day, and immediately around the time period when we were considering reconciling.

 

She felt that since "everyone" knew...she felt she'd always be treated horribly by my family, and our friends.

 

In truth, she learned an interesting lesson about my family...once you're part of the crew...we NEVER let you go! LOL...she's as close to my family now as ever.

 

It's in the past...dealt with and done.

 

Totally agree with Steen's viewpoint and advice.

 

Sounds to me like it's too soon for you to know if they will really forgive you or not. Your focus needs to be on your wife and your marriage...deal with her family later.

[Snowflower]

I appreciate all the replies.

 

I assume she told them everything. She has every right too.

 

The ramifications from my actions and the now public affair make it impossible to overcome. Despite coming clean and wanting the best.

 

I echo what owl and Steen said here...what is it that is impossible to overcome?

 

You say you want the best? What does that mean?

 

Again, I get the sense that you want to try to reconcile but don't know how, or if it is even possible.

 

Are you afraid?

I don't think I would ever feel comfortable isolating her from her family. As I drove to work, I still think of the words her father used about me- I have always loved and respected my father-in-law but the playing field is just so different.

 

It's just so sad. I don't think that I am willing to wear a Scarlet Letter so-to-speak for the duration of my relationship when dealing with her family. Guilt is one thing, but lifelong shame.....

 

But perhaps it won't be that way!

 

If you want to reconcile, concentrate on your wife. Again, do not worry about her family right now. If you are serious about it, they will come around.

She has gotten over it and wants me back, she cries on the phone everynight, in fact, so do I. Sadness.

 

How long have the two of you been separated?

[pteromom]

2nd In relation to the above, your letter to them should just say you love her, you regret the decisions you made and that you want to make it up to her and you will make every effort to do so. Tell them you understand their being upset with you and you hope that in time, they will see that you are sincere about making their daughter happy. Don't be so angry at them. They are doing what they feel is right for their daughter and your letter sounds defensive.

 

This. I imagine reading your letter from your in-laws' point of view, and here's what I get:

 

- "She's lying when she said I verbally abuse her!"

- "Yes, I had an affair, but it's partially her fault too!"

- "I'm mad that she told you all the crap I did."

- "You should be mad at her too, not just at me!"

 

I know you say you are sorry in the letter, and put yourself down, but it mostly sounds like you are making excuses and deflecting blame.

[Snowflower]

This. I imagine reading your letter from your in-laws' point of view, and here's what I get:

 

- "She's lying when she said I verbally abuse her!"

- "Yes, I had an affair, but it's partially her fault too!"

- "I'm mad that she told you all the crap I did."

- "You should be mad at her too, not just at me!"

 

I know you say you are sorry in the letter, and put yourself down, but it mostly sounds like you are making excuses and deflecting blame.

 

I kind of agree with ptero. Brady, I read your posts here on LS and you convey a different emotion--one which speaks of remorse, regret and love...

 

But in this letter to your in-laws, you do sound like you are partially blaming your wife for the affair and angry that the secret is out.

 

Maybe examine your feelings about your choice to have an affair vs. your feelings for your wife.

[tojaz]

The only barriers to reconciliation are those the two of you will put on yourselves. How her family chooses to react is up to them. You are not putting anything between her and her family, you are not keeping them from her.

 

I don't think they pose as much of a barrier as you would like to believe. It is so easy to say that something is "impossible" to overcome, so why bother. Its easy to say your trying to not isolate her from her family rather then face it.

 

When you cheated you didn't just let her down, but them as well. You have apologized to her, now its time to take your medicine and apologize to them. Not a letter but face to face and take your licks. You earned them.

 

They will treat you the way you describe for awhile, thats a promise, and you deserve it. When you can prove to them that you are not that man anymore, then they will most likely treat you in kind.

 

if they can't move on in time, thats their hang up not yours.

 

Your getting a second chance, a chance to save your marriage, and from the sound of it, its something you want. Don't squander it on account of what others may or may not think in the future. its worth the risk.

 

TOJAZ

[wow04]

I have never understood how people can tell their family all the bad things their spouse does and not expect the family to feel different about the spouse. The relationship is between 2 people. If you need to talk to someone, you talk to a friend, not your family.

 

I do believe that it takes two people to make a marriage and two people to destroy a marriage. If you two really want this to work, I suggest counseling.

[Owl]

I have never understood how people can tell their family all the bad things their spouse does and not expect the family to feel different about the spouse. The relationship is between 2 people. If you need to talk to someone, you talk to a friend, not your family.

 

I do believe that it takes two people to make a marriage and two people to destroy a marriage. If you two really want this to work, I suggest counseling.

 

Non sequiter. If it takes two to make a marriage...then the other side of that it is that it only takes one to stop holding up their end of the bargain to destroy the marriage.

 

And people who are being actively cheated on have every right to lean on whatever support systems they feel are needed...it's easy to say "keep it to yourself" or "go talk to someone else"...much harder to make it through that situation in that manner.

 

And as I'd mentioned previously...one of the core methods to end an affair is to expose it. I wonder if that's what occurred in this case.

[Brady47]

Wow- love that post.

 

First Thanks peeps

 

What you have here is the husband that has been "Exposed"- now that I want to come back I won't because I refuse to deal with the shame, second class treatment, and marginalization for the rest of my life. I cannot be faulted for that. Yes, affair sucked. I apologized to my wife. I have the best intentions to move on. Now I won't. Can't. Not like this.

 

Monogamy isn't natural. Few animals do it. Humans agree to it. Our set of morals and culture have constructed the entity of marriage. As humans we attempt to overcome our raw urges in an act to show complete devotion through monogamy by the act of marriage. A self sacrifice to prove ones love.

 

Well, I gave into my human urges. I failed.

BUT. This happens everyday to everyone (a high percentage on these forums too). We apologize for messing up and we have the best intentions to move on. "I'm sorry, i am weak of character, I gave into my carnal urges...."....

This, unfortunately, is life. Messing up, making amends, and moving on.

 

Concerning some earlier replies....I don't think I am going to be in the wrong defending my privacy or my marriage's privacy. I have admitted my guilt to them, but I have apologized to my wife. I have told her I will try to be a better person. This isn't public info for them to bat around and share at their coffee tables. This is my life, my marriage.

 

Now, unfortunately after exposing the old affair there are too many peripheral influences that wish this marriage to end- regardless for how hard I try to secure my wife's trust again, she has many people telling her to "go".

 

I have moved out months ago with the goal to reconcile, but now I don't feel comfortable going back into such a ****ty environment for myself. That is not being selfish, I have rights too. Why should I subjective myself to such a miserable lifestyle regardless of how good my intentions are and how humble I am.

 

This has changed the fabric of how I interact with the people in her life forever.

 

I will see her tonight. We will have a great time laughing etc. but underneath it all is a hard stop. It isn't allowed- its discouraged.

 

Damn

 

My concern is that we are past the point of no return.

 

I understand people tell me to apologize in person and let life go on. But I don't think this is going to happen.

 

Lick your wounds and move on is the mentality I have.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Brady47

[Owl]

Wow- love that post.

 

First Thanks peeps

 

Monogamy isn't natural. Few animals do it. Humans agree to it. Our set of morals and culture have constructed the entity of marriage. As humans we attempt to overcome our raw urges in an act to show complete devotion through monogamy by the act of marriage. A self sacrifice to prove ones love.

 

Well, I gave into my human urges. I failed.

BUT. This happens everyday to everyone (a high percentage on these forums too). We apologize for messing up and we have the best intentions to move on. "I'm sorry, i am weak of character, I gave into my carnal urges...."....

This, unfortunately, is life. Messing up, making amends, and moving on.

 

No, it's not a matter of "I failed".

 

If you feel that monogamy isn't natural (a stance which many disagree with)...you shouldn't have married. You shouldn't have promised your wife that you would be monogamous to her, and you should have agreed with her to have a non-monogamous relationship up front.

 

Or if your feelings on the subject changed during the marriage, you should have ended or re-negotiated the marital agreemant with her BEFORE pursuing your "human urges".

 

Don't say it was out of your control. It was/is. You simply didn't care enough to do the right thing.

 

If you feel that monogamy isn't possible...then tell your wife, end the marriage, and drive on.

 

What's left to discuss?

[Owl]

Combine this:

 

What you have here is the husband that has been "Exposed"- now that I want to come back I won't because I refuse to deal with the shame, second class treatment, and marginalization for the rest of my life. I cannot be faulted for that. Yes, affair sucked. I apologized to my wife. I have the best intentions to move on. Now I won't. Can't. Not like this.

 

 

With your earlier comments about monogamy not being natural...it all boils down to you simply not wanting to stay married.

 

You can't/don't want to/won't be faithful, and you won't work through the fallout of your affair.

 

Simple enough...there's no basis for your wife to reconcile with you on.

 

She'd be a fool to do so...never stay married to someone who feels that it's against their nature to be monogamous.

[Brady47]

Your focusing on the wrong thing. The focus isn't that I don't or am incapable of monogamy.

 

I want monogamy.

 

When I married her SHE was the only one- for the rest of m life

 

Good intentions from the start.

 

Why do I have a feeling you have been cheated on based on how polarizing your reply is?

[Owl]

Your focusing on the wrong thing. The focus isn't that I don't or am incapable of monogamy.

 

I want monogamy.

 

When I married her SHE was the only one- for the rest of m life

 

Good intentions from the start.

 

Why do I have a feeling you have been cheated on based on how polarizing your reply is?

 

You responded to this thread with the comment "monogamy isn't natural".

 

How, given the context of this thread...should anyone have taken that post?

 

Either you believe in and want a monogamous relationship, or you do not. Your post indicated (to me) that you didn't believe that you should be monogamous. Quite frankly, it sounded like rationalization and attempted justification for your infidelity.

 

Regardless...the bottom line question is this...what do you want in a relationship between you and your wife? Do you want to remain married (and therefore monogamous), or not?

 

The follow up question is...what are you willing to do to achieve that goal?

 

You indicated that she did indeed go to family/friends to expose you. I'm assuming it worked.

 

OK...so...as I've mentioned before, a consequence of having to go that route means that you're going to have to invest time and effort at some point to rebuild those bridges that you burned by having an affair.

 

You come across as angry and sullen that you've been exposed and now have to re-earn that trust and respect lost as a result. You seem to me to feel as though you shouldn't have to do that...that somehow it's all supposed to magically go back to how it was.

 

That ain't reality, friend.

 

Reality is...you've damaged a number of relationships with your actions. Now you need to focus on rebuilding them. And ALL of them, both your marriage and your interactions with family...will take a lot of time and effort to restore. You want the prize, you gotta put forth the effort.

 

So...what are you going to do from here? Step up and put up the work needed, or call it over and walk away? Both you and your wife face that same choice right now.

[Steen719]

You responded to this thread with the comment "monogamy isn't natural".

 

How, given the context of this thread...should anyone have taken that post?

 

Either you believe in and want a monogamous relationship, or you do not. Your post indicated (to me) that you didn't believe that you should be monogamous. Quite frankly, it sounded like rationalization and attempted justification for your infidelity.

 

Regardless...the bottom line question is this...what do you want in a relationship between you and your wife? Do you want to remain married (and therefore monogamous), or not?

 

The follow up question is...what are you willing to do to achieve that goal?

 

You indicated that she did indeed go to family/friends to expose you. I'm assuming it worked.

 

OK...so...as I've mentioned before, a consequence of having to go that route means that you're going to have to invest time and effort at some point to rebuild those bridges that you burned by having an affair.

 

You come across as angry and sullen that you've been exposed and now have to re-earn that trust and respect lost as a result. You seem to me to feel as though you shouldn't have to do that...that somehow it's all supposed to magically go back to how it was.

 

That ain't reality, friend.

 

Reality is...you've damaged a number of relationships with your actions. Now you need to focus on rebuilding them. And ALL of them, both your marriage and your interactions with family...will take a lot of time and effort to restore. You want the prize, you gotta put forth the effort.

 

So...what are you going to do from here? Step up and put up the work needed, or call it over and walk away? Both you and your wife face that same choice right now.

 

^^^^This^^^^

 

Owl has more patience than most. I can't figure out what your question is, but your answers seem to be in place already. Good luck.

[tojaz]

Your focusing on the wrong thing. The focus isn't that I don't or am incapable of monogamy.

 

I want monogamy.

 

When I married her SHE was the only one- for the rest of m life

 

Good intentions from the start.

 

Why do I have a feeling you have been cheated on based on how polarizing your reply is?

 

No, you are focusing on the wrong thing.

 

You want monogamy? Put your shoes under the bed you share with your wife at night and not someone elses. Your not fighting nature, you didn't black out and wake up tied to a bed. You made a conscious decision to cheat. Plain and simple, you can wrap it up however you like, you are a cheater.

 

Despite that, your wife has the good heart to forgive you and give your marriage a chance, yet you are stepping away from it. Not because you don't love her, or because you don't want to be married, but for selfish pride because you are terrified that you might be treated like someone who cheated on his wife. Guess your right, that is very unfair of them.

 

I've really lost what it is your looking for here. A shove to go back to your wife? Justification for divorce? Someone to tell you cheating wasn't wrong? I can't tell anymore.

 

The way i see it you have two choices at this point.

1.

 

What you have here is the husband that has been "Exposed"- now that I want to come back Iwon't because I refuse to deal with the shame, second class treatment, and marginalization for the rest of my life. I cannot be faulted for that. [/Quote]

 

You want to go back, but aren't man enough to face the consequences of your actions, and have decided that your own pride is worth more then your marriage. You either be a man, suck it up and go back and try and rebuild or you buy into what your posting, do your wife and her family a favor and duck out the back door like a little kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

 

If you choose to walk...

 

 

 

Monogamy isn't natural. Few animals do it. Humans agree to it. Our set of morals and culture have constructed the entity of marriage. As humans we attempt to overcome our raw urges in an act to show complete devotion through monogamy by the act of marriage. A self sacrifice to prove ones love.

 

 

Have that printed on a business card and hand it to the women you meet and see how many agree with you view on monogamy.

 

Since you will ask, yes i was cheated on, and for the record I spent 13 years with the same woman, was never even tempted to cheat, even when I had offers. Post divorce, still have not once cheated, or even had the desire to. Nothing unnatural about it.

 

TOJAZ

[ZacThomas]

Hey...I just only want to say that complete decision depends on you and your wife. It's all about your life so no one else could interfere in it. So, don't think about others just decide what you want.