Scared, lonely, alone

[Aapa]

Hi, i posted this on another thread, but didnt really get many responses, so i thoughht i would try here, since my problem started with a break up and hasnt really resolved.

 

I don't know the answer to his question but I NEED an answer.

 

I am lonely. I have been for some time. I am 41 and only had one relationship in my life, two years ago. It was an intense one and we did love each other. We broke up for various reasons, too complicated to get into here, but he met someone else within a month of our break up and married her within a year.

 

I do have some unresolved grief. I had wanted us to get backl together and work on our differences, and contacted him again not long after our break up, but he had already met someone. That took me for a shock, given the intensity of our emotions (we were talking marriage) and the unresolved way we had left things. Neither one of us were immature, given our ages. Anyway...

 

I had periods in my 30s when, now that I look back, I was lonely. At the time I just thought there was something wrong with me for not being 100% happy with just having professional success, activities like running clubs and aerobics classes, business networking, taking up new hobbies like photography, travelling, and home decorating after I bought a house at age 34. I now realize that I was yearning for companionship and intimacy throughout that time, ad that yearning was producing some inner discontent. I did try online dating, for a long time, and went on the odd date from time to time. I then met that man at age 39, and was pretty happy for about 8 months before it ended.

 

Anyway, I thought I would go back to the same-old once the grief was over. But I find that I'm getting lonelier. Try as I might to maintain contact with friends, and despite my continued involvement in various athletic pursuits and a bit of volunteer work, plus a rewarding career, I feel like I'm wilting, like a plant that isn't getting enough water. I still have an online profile on many dating sites, but I guess because of my age I don't get a lot of responses. I usually read, sleep and shop on the weekends, sometimes go into the office, visit my mom, or do errands around my home. I have fiends here and there that I may chat on the phone with, and have the odd dinner out.

 

But I feel disengaged from life. I feel hurt, too, that the man I was involved with didn't/hasn't gone through the same thing....his life kept blooming. I have tried. In the first year, I had hope, I thought I was still cute and young looking, and ive always considered myself to be an interesting person, and believed that if I kept up with my usual activities I would feel some degree of contentment with life. But a lot of my single girlfriends that I had in my late 30s are now in committed relationships, married, and/or with babies.

 

I guess I really need to know....will I get used to this? And, if I do meet someone online, will he think I don't have a life, and run as fast as he can? Am I doomed to leading the life that I am?

 

If I am wilting, will I just continue to wilt? Before you ask, yes I am seeing a Counsellor, ever since the break up (my initial grief, which was quite profound, has morphed into something else. Something darker, which she attributes to loneliness). I think because I was always unsuccessful in attracting male attention (even though I was nice looking, intelligent and fun), I just assumed I could be content with the status quo of working hard, meeting up with a friend for coffee or a movie, traveling (have done a fair bit of that), praying, and staying physically active. But it's not working anymore. And, I'm worried about the upcoming decade.

[sakiiru]

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you definitely have a lot to offer; maybe the issue isn't that there's inherently something undatable about you but rather that you're just not looking in the right places. Maybe join more community/group activities, or a church, or somewhere where you're likely to meet lots of people?

 

Don't lose hope!

[blotter]

Of my female friends that have this problem it always comes down two things it seems.

 

1. You don't know how to flirt or show men that you are available and interested in dating. I mean just look around there are men everywhere looking for companionship. Do you ever flirt with men throughout your day, give a smile, make some eye contact from across the room, make some physical contact so we know you are interested? Do you just sit back meekly waiting for men to approach you, that will never work. And being 41 with just one serious relationship, you are going to have to get used to flirting a little.

 

2. Or you are emotionally unavailable and are unable to form a deep, loving relationships. This is a whole can of worms that goes back to your childhood and requires therapy.

 

I dunno that's been my experience with women that have trouble getting a boyfriend.

[hinatticus]

Also, if this was your first relationship, you are gonna feel the pain of losing your first love. Lots of people go through that phase in their teens. It hurts like hell and for a lot longer. BUT, you are more mature and wiser than a teen, so maybe that might help get you out of this funk.

 

It seems you put too much effort in being independent and successful and all that. Some men prefer a woman who "need" them a bit. I'm not saying become dependent and quit your career, but you have to put all that effort you put into your career into YOU now.

 

Don't just go out to all your extra curricular activities and focus solely on the activity. Screw becoming good at your hobbies(you're probably a pro at what you do), but next time you're at the gym, look at a guy and then look at him again. And when he looks back, keep looking at him. Even stare at him. Get a friend to say you think he's cute. That's how I got my ex to talk to me and make a baby with me(she's now my ex, but that's beside the point). You seem to have a lot more going for you than most. Feel good about yourself and guys will notice. If you like bars or pubs, buy a guy a drink. That's a go to move. If a girl is buying me a drink I'll take notice right away!

 

I think once you get past the hurt of losing your first love. You'll have a lot more confidence. I have a guy friend who is 34 and hasn't kissed a girl since like junior high. He's never love someone or had some one love him. You know the saying... Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!

 

Good luck!

[WonderKid]

Scared? Don't be.

 

Lonely? I understand.

 

Alone? Flirt, smile, strut and get back out there!