honesty227 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I dont even know why i'm doing this becasue i know in my heart that need to divorce him. Strikingly simiar to redlady (2010) post about her husband's messed up background my husband after our 1st year of marriage cheated on me after we found out that we couldnt have kids the normal way due to my husband's lack of swimmers. I tried to move on and forgive him. I forced him to do counseling both religious and professional. None of it has worked. We saved up 10K to try IVF and during the process my husband continued to disrespect me by flirting with women on FB. Needless to say I was very stressed out, even broke out in hives, I had 2 miscarriages and the 1st cycle did not work. More disaster struck as my mother became ill with cancer. I postponed the next IVF cycle by a few months to attend her chemo treatments in another state. During that time my husband cheated on me again! Like what kind of person does something so low down like that? His reasoning this time was becaseu he was upset that i postponed the cycle. We are now in the second IVF cycle and he is acting up again with the FB, Skype, OooVoo, email, facetime whatever..you name it, he's prob done it. My husband had a very rough upbringing (his mom is a whore and gambles) and is very angry with life. He is often unemployed, cannot have children (which he loves) and doesnt have many friends. In contrast, my life is great. I am surrounded by a loving family, i have a great job and tons of friends. I belive in God and have prayed that God would either heal him--becasue clearly he is a broken man or move me to divorce him and put myself out of misery. I know my self worth and that i dont derserve to be treated like this but i'm afraid that at 37 i wont be able to have children of my own if i start over. I am so heartbroken. Then there's the other part of me that thinks that if we have children that he would change because he wants children more than anything in the world as a way of doing-over the upbringing that he had. I understand that he has issues and that its not my fault that he had a messed up life but how do love him as a wife without getting hurt again?
CarrieT Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I dont even know why i'm doing this becasue i know in my heart that need to divorce him. I understand that he has issues and that its not my fault that he had a messed up life but how do love him as a wife without getting hurt again? Don't make excuses for his behavior and follow your heart. 1
GorillaTheater Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I think I would have a diffcult time advising you to bring a child into this marriage. In fact, I'd recommend spending the money set aside for IVF on a divorce attorney. The IVF can wait. My wife had our last child at age 41. And who knows? You may well meet a man worthy of being a dad.
d'Arthez Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Seriously, he is disrespecting his marriage vows so often, why do you think getting pregnant through IVF will make all your problems go away? It will in all likelihood magnify them. Can you imagine being 8 months pregnant and having to deal with a husband who is screwing behind your back again? Forget about IVF. Sort your husband out, and that in all likelihood means divorcing him. 2
Snowflower Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I think I would have a diffcult time advising you to bring a child into this marriage. In fact, I'd recommend spending the money set aside for IVF on a divorce attorney. The IVF can wait. My wife had our last child at age 41. And who knows? You may well meet a man worthy of being a dad. GorillaTheater, good to see you again on these boards! To the OP, it seems you have a lot of issues to consider with your marriage and your life. What do YOU want to do? Do you want to remain married to your husband who continues to cheat on you? In your first line of your post you say that in your heart you know you need to divorce him. I think you know the answer to your question. As for having children, there are other options (sperm bank) since you have already been going through the IVF process and like GT suggested, you might meet a great guy who wants to have children too.
Author honesty227 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I dont want to give up on my marriage and I feel like in today's society people get divorced all too frequently as if its a natural part of life. How do people stay married for 20 30 years+? I can't believe that the problems of today are any different from the problems that marriages have had in the past. The major difference is that women like myself are now more financially independent and therefore aren't forced to stay in marriages for a means of support. We've only been married for 3.5 years. I expected the first 5 to be rough...not this rough but none the less rough.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I dont want to give up on my marriage and I feel like in today's society people get divorced all too frequently as if its a natural part of life. How do people stay married for 20 30 years+? I can't believe that the problems of today are any different from the problems that marriages have had in the past. The major difference is that women like myself are now more financially independent and therefore aren't forced to stay in marriages for a means of support. We've only been married for 3.5 years. I expected the first 5 to be rough...not this rough but none the less rough. Ugh 3.5 years? What if you spend gobs of money, have a kid and then 10 years later he has another ongoing affair? I'm going through hell after 14 years of marriage because of infidelity. There's an innocent 9 year old girl caught in the middle now. The first 3.5 years of my marriage didn't involve anything like what you are describing. I would consider myself very lucky if I found out I had an unfaithful spouse before I was locked in with kids. Well...lucky compared to...you know what i mean
pteromom Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Like what kind of person does something so low down like that? His reasoning this time was becaseu he was upset that i postponed the cycle. A cheater. A selfish cheater only interested in his own happiness. His reasoning is silly. Life is full of ups and downs. So what... every time life goes through a rough patch - someone dies, someone's sick, someone loses a job, someone doesn't get what he wants for his birthday.... you can expect him to cheat as a reaction? What YOU do has nothing to do with it. A person with integrity has integrity no matter what other people around him do. He is not a person with integrity. Having a child will not change him. Even if he becomes the world's best father (which is doubtful, because selfish people tend to be selfish in all relationships), that doesn't turn him into a good husband. You need to move on. You KNOW you need to move on. There are other options for having a child.
Steen719 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 honesty, Your H has cheated on you 2x that you know of and is back at it on the computer with the sites you mentioned. UGH.....this happened to me. Married 8 years cheating followed by 13 years, facebook crap, cheating again, still stupid, inappropriate facebook crap and divorce after 22 years. Except for the time involved...sound familiar? Children are wonderful. However, I now have a son who is facing his parents separately. He is older....21 y/o, but it is still painful for him. Please, please do not think that having children will change this man. He is what he is and the stress of children can be good and bad....but when it is bad, you have to shore up your reserves and both deal with it. I don't see him doing it. Find an honest, loving man and have a baby. Have a baby by sperm bank, a someone else said. This is not going to change and you need to face it. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You can teach a pig to sing and dance, but all you are doing is wasting your time and pizzing off the pig He is not going to change.
Steen719 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 You can teach a pig to sing and dance, but all you are doing is wasting your time and pizzing off the pig He is not going to change. And you can put lipstick on that pig and it is still a pig!!:bunny:
Radu Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I dont want to give up on my marriage and I feel like in today's society people get divorced all too frequently as if its a natural part of life. How do people stay married for 20 30 years+? I can't believe that the problems of today are any different from the problems that marriages have had in the past. The major difference is that women like myself are now more financially independent and therefore aren't forced to stay in marriages for a means of support. We've only been married for 3.5 years. I expected the first 5 to be rough...not this rough but none the less rough. You are beyond right about ... everything. Ppl do throw in the towel way too early and press the reset button. But those are ppl who do this to potentially less 'sick' relationships. This man cheated on you twice, and left you with no confidence in him. I suspect you have lost respect for him, which to you means love. Your marriage hit a snag, and your husband decided to act like a selfish entitled brat. Do you want this man to be the father of your kids ? Do you want his example to be followed by your future son [to be like his dad] or by your future daughter [to maybe look for a guy like her dad]. You can have kids without this guy, i honestly think they will turn out better than with him as their dad. If he had cheated on you just once, i would have suggested you pull him out of his affair fantasy by making it known, shaming him ... etc. But who does he care about to even be affected by shaming. GET OUT FAST, you are too old for the fantasy of changing a man, he doesn't want to change. PS: I hope my future wife has the same moral backbone as you do. After all this crap and you still don't want to pull the trigger on your marriage, even though you are not deluded about him. 1
xxoo Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 How do people stay married for 20 30 years+? For the most part, they aren't married to serial cheaters. This is not a good marriage. It's ok to leave. 1
96nole Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) PS: I hope my future wife has the same moral backbone as you do. After all this crap and you still don't want to pull the trigger on your marriage, even though you are not deluded about him. I wish my STBXW had the same moral backbone. Hey honesty227, do you live in Florida? My wife cheated on me twice. Next Tuesday morning the divorce will be final. I am very lucky that we did not have kids. I couldn't imagine having to deal with that woman the rest of my life because of kids. I wouldn't want someone like her to be the mother of my children. You shouldn't want someone like your husband to be the father of your children. He WILL NOT CHANGE because of kids. The moment things get a little dicey, and he's off cheating? Oh come on. Kick him to the curb. Once a cheater, not always a cheater. Twice a cheater, always a cheater. Follow your heart on this one. You deserve better. You won't get someone better if you keep this dead weight around. Edited May 17, 2012 by 96nole
Jethro Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 You kidding me?? STOP IVF with this d0uchebag as your partner!!! Immediately!!! There are a lot of nice guys with healthy sperm that would love to treat you right and raise your kids with you. Unless you are ok with being a single parent- becasue that is the station where that train is headed.
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