Feeling empty :(

[smint]

Hi people,I am new here.Two months ago my boyfriend left me after 7 years of relationship,out of nowhere(by phone).He just said that he can't anymore,that he doesn't love anymore. We had our ups and downs,but most of time we were happy. I still can't figure out what happened.I was acting crazy,crying,calling him,sending thousand of messages,I came twice to his door,but he was so cold and rough( I told him I LOVE YOU -he just said"lucky you"). He started treating me like crap.I was just feeding his ego. So after 5 weeks of killing and humiliating myself,I decided to go to NC.Today is my 20th day of NC,and I am facing big temptation whole day,I want to call him. I kept up with my life besides everything,I did my last exams(I don't know where i found strength to learn),and in a month I am going to finish faculty,to have diploma,but I am still so empty sometimes,I don't have with who to share my happiness I have friends and family,but I miss him so much.In past,we were celebrating every my exam,and more I was closer finishing faculty,more we were in plans of getting married,having children...This Monday i did my last exam,and instead of being happy,I was crying all day. I can't stop thinking WHY WHY WHY...This was my first relationship. I still can't believe what is going on,how he just transformed to new person,how cruel he began...Who to believe in future?

[lovinglife21]

Sounds very similar to what my ex did to me. Only difference is that he did it face to face, 3 weeks before my final exams. Well done for doing your exams though, you are very strong, I decided to only take 2/5 of mine, it was just too soon (he is on my course too which doesn't help).

 

I know the feeling that you don't even know who that person is anymore. It's difficult because in one day your whole reality is shattered.

 

I think how I'm staying sane though is remembering that no matter why it happened, it can't change now, and I will never really know for sure why it happened. And you know what, neither will he, because in my view, if someone can switch like that, then they don't know themselves well enough, especially if they seem to completely emotionally shut themselves down after. The reason I believe this is because if it was a decision they understood, they would explain it properly, instead of (in my case) being unnecessarily cold and hurtful. Like you my ex was down right cruel. I think it's to protect themselves from any guilt or doubt they might feel after.

 

When you have been blindsided, it is just such a shock and such a betrayal that it takes a long time to just get over the initial shock. I still have times in my day where I'm like holy ****... But when I'm thinking about that shock, I try to think of the reasons of why I don't want to be with him. What opportunities I have now that he isn't in my life.

 

He might have been a great boyfriend for you, but he can also be the person he is being now, and do you really want to be with someone who could treat another human being like that?

 

I know you want to call him- but think about it, do you want to speak to him, or the person you thought you were in a relationship with? Because in my case I wanted to speak to the person I thought I was with, and now I realise that person is gone (if they even ever existed, and it wasn't just a fantasy of mine) Also 20 days is really good, and while you don't contact him you won't have any more pain, and the longer you keep this up the better you will feel

 

It's only natural to want to celebrate your success with someone, but remember you have done the studying for you, for your own happiness and just think how strong you have been through this whole ordeal. Be happy and proud of yourself, and be a bit self-indulgent.

 

With your 'who to believe in future?' When you feel a bit better I suggest maybe think about the kind of person he was and if there were any warning signs. In hindsight there were a few with my ex(namely he sex emailed other people when he went on holiday because he was 'insecure', had been arrested for rape and didn't tell me, could never make an independent decision, and all of his family members have serious psychological issues)*

 

Also when you meet someone new, tell them what happened. If they are decent they will understand your fears.

 

*Don't judge me for staying with him, it's funny how much you can ignore when you love someone and they seem so vunerable.

 

Edited: I also wanted to say don't worry about the initial contact (5 weeks in your case, 2 in mine) the shock and the need for answers can completely take over your rational side. I am not proud at all about how I have acted towards my ex, but at the end of the day when something like this happens, of course you are going to act irrationally. Don't beat yourself up about it. Forgive yourself for it.

xx

Edited May 16, 2012 by lovinglife21
forgot to say something

[smint]

Thank you longlife21,thank you for advices and support.It really means when someone was through the same thing.

If you still have times in a day,when you feel bad,how long it has been since your BU?Because I am wondering how long am I going to heal.I can't say that I am not better,but sometimes it hurts so much. When I want to call,I want to talk with person he was before,it is really unbelievable that someone can just turn off emotions like machine!!!And you are right,they don't know what they want,so also they don't know real reason.In my case,I have a feeling that he really wanted to hurt me.He acted like that when I called him,and second time when I came to his home,he told me"if you come back again,I am not going to let you in"!!!And he was on distance,like I am s***,and he doesn't even wants to touch me!!! I can't explain how i felt...

And there were warning signs.He lost a job,and he was disappointed about that,then he got stomach virus,and when I asked him is something wrong,he would just say It's because his stomach and situation about job.We haven't slept for a month,and when i wanted,he would say I don't want to do it right now,my stomach...And I was busy about learning...uhhhh ((

And there is one more thing he told me few times before he left me-"you are going to have faculty,and i will not",but i haven't find then anything wrong,i told him that it is not for me important,i am going to be glad to contribute our family in the future as much as I can,how I don't want him to feel bad about it...I can't believe that he is jealous,that it can be a reason???But as you said,who knows,maybe reason doesn't exist...

But how could he forget just like that all our time we spent,our trips,7 times we went together on vacations,our funny experiences,people we met there,funny things we did there,our time we were together,we were doing everything not to get bored.He got dog,then cat,we were playing with,we used to go to fishing,bowling,spending time with friends,barbeques...HOW!!! ((((((

And why he was dreaming about us,and telling me what kind of house he wants one day,what kind of furniture,how many children,boys or girls...what fool I was to believe it all...I gave him everything,I gave him my soul!!!

And thinking about how he treated me at the end,I am wondering whether he have already forgotten that i exist???

I don't want the person who can treat someone like he treated me in the end,even that he wants to reconcile one day,I think that I will never forget this hell he put me through.

I am trying to listen to all advices from internet,i read few books,i don't know anymore the number of things i read,I talked with so many friend and family,and it helps,but it still hurts so much...((((((((((((((

[nanbullen]

At least your ex broke up with you by phone. Mine just stopped taking my calls.Like you, I've tried to figure out why and how somebody who was in love with me one day can completely turn his feelings off that fast. The thing is, we will never know why. And it's hard to imagine ever trusting anybody again, or trusting your own instincts for that matter. I wonder, what do people that get divorced after 20-30years together think when their husband/wife tells them they want a divorce. How can somebody just throw away almost a whole lifetime of promises/memories/experiences? And yet, people do it all the time. I guess my point is, we don't know why, but we need to accept that whatever the reason, that person's feelings changed and start thinking about ourselves and not about them. Because our exes aren't sitting around thinking about us that's for sure. I know you can't turn off your feelings, but one day you will be able to admit to yourself that you will never be happy with someone who is capable of treating you the way he has treated you.

 

As far as contacting him...take it from me, who has sent a ton of texts lol...there is nothing you will say to him that will end up making you feel better and not worse. you will not get the reaction you are hoping for. whatever it is.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so hard! I am right there with you.

[smint]

Such men are cowards!!!He just stopped talking your calls???No comment!!!Everywhere is about how to heal and things like that,but nowhere is how can somebody just turn off,what is happening in heads of those people?I mean,take a dog,bird,cat,whatever alive creature,and leave it just like that and reject it,that creature is going to suffer,because it is alive,it has feelings,it is not natural,or how to say,to let go like that.But when someone dies,we know that that person would be with us if he/she is still alive...and as you said some people get divorced after 20,30 years of marriage,I don't know,in that case I will look for some therapy,some drugs to take,I admire myself how I am keeping with my life,because at first I taught that I am going to die of sadness...

I don't understand,but i KNOW that i could never hurt somebody just like that,somebody who has my trust,my loyaly,somebody who was part of my life for years,that's just not fair!!! ((

[smokey bear]

It gets easier, all it takes is time, ten months for me, since then ive fell in love again and you really do get over it. It leaves a scar but you are capable of being as happy as you ever where, maybe even more.

 

Just give it time and keep going and find who you are xxx

[smint]

10 months in your case...my God,I don't think I can keep up with sadness,and I have feeling it's never going to pass,I have moments when i want to scream until i loose my voice,why have i deserve it?

[Tree_Salmon]

Women are just as capable and even better at breaking hearts big time. Trust me. For someone to force me not to care about them it takes allot of hurt.

 

I'm almost at 30 days without contact and it still sucks but I learn something new about who I am every day. This is another sign that the relationship was bad. If something keeps you from growing it really isnt going right.

[smint]

If I could just fall asleep and sleep few months and get over this madness.Every morning when i wake up,I am stopping myself to text him,because I used to text him every morning for 7 years,and it hurts,from the moment i open my eyes,to realize that I am dumped now...

[nanbullen]

The mornings are the absolute worst! I wake up and it all comes back at once, that my ex doesn't love me anymore. The temptation to call or text was almost unbearable....until i realized he wasn't going to respond. Or he would respond and tell me something that would make me feel worse.

 

I have tried and tried to figure out HOW somebody can be in love one day, and not the next. Was he lying when he said he loved me? Is he lying when he says he doesn't? Is he scared? is he simply an a**hole? Is it my fault for being too insecure? There's no way of knowing the answer. The only thing that i know for sure is that this person does not care about my feelings and does not care how much he hurts me.

 

It's so hard not to think about all the good things about your ex, and torture yourself remembering all the good times. But for me, little by little, I started to think about how mad I am and how badly he treated me. As much as I still miss him, I know I would never be completely happy with him if he came back. Knowing he is capable of treating someone like this has changed how I see him. Also, I would never believe another word that comes out of his mouth. The trust is gone, so is respect.

[Awarth]

I kept up with my life besides everything,I did my last exams(I don't know where i found strength to learn),and in a month I am going to finish faculty,to have diploma

 

gosh..i know exactly how that feel...my GPA drop 0.5 when my ex broke up with me a few weeks before my papers..just got no mood to do anything...

 

i know it is hard, just hope that you will be okie..

[smint]

Yes,the person who is capable treating like that someone who loves him,is not worth anything.I felt big cruelty from him,when I was calling him and begging,and crying,I had feeling that he enjoys that,feeling self worth destroying me,how he is the one who is going to decide whether he is going to respond or not,acting selfish,I was praying him just to talk with me...-like in movies vampires he just turned into other person.

And mornings...I am dreaming about us,I am dreaming that my reality is just a bad dream...

"The mornings are the absolute worst! I wake up and it all comes back at once, that my ex doesn't love me anymore. The temptation to call or text was almost unbearable....until i realized he wasn't going to respond. Or he would respond and tell me something that would make me feel worse." Absolutely the same by me!!!

And a lots of things is on my right now,I had to learn,and have no chance to go out a lot with friends,so I had to be with my mind and sadness all the time,then now I am working on my thesis with low concentration and no motivation...and those exams I did,i hardly got marks to pass...