What I've learned two months after the 21 days later...

[ChrisMac]

Okay, so this is a whopper. And superlong, so I understand if you bail. But for me it's one of the more amazing things I've ever been through.

 

Some of you may have read my prior posts about a very unhealthy relationship I was having for the past few months upon arriving in a new city I'd moved to for a new job.

 

I'd happened to work in London last summer and at the end met a nice girl named Ella. Pretty, quirky, smart and funny in a biting way, we dated LD all last fall and had a blast, seeing each other every other weekend right up until Christmas. We were amazingly comfortable and attracted to one another, and as I was offered an amazing full-time job there in London in December, we were both excited about me getting there and rocking her city full time. I had to spend Christmas and the six weeks afterward back in the States packing, but after that it would be the start to a new life. I could not wait.

 

Only red flag was in mid-January when Ella said that her ex-boyfriend Dave, who she'd broken up with in May 2011, three months before I met her, had begun messaging her and even visited her once at work, telling her he wanted to fix all the problems they'd had and make everything right again. Ella was confused and claimed I'd been ignoring her, which worried her about us, so didn't cut him off immediately. I told her that was nonsense, of course I cared about her, and hadn't changed at all, and she promised she'd cut him off.

 

Yet when I finally arrived our relationship was in the crapper. Ella was moody, stubborn, hot and cold, and within five days asked me to meet for coffee and said we should break up, that the "spark" was gone, and until she could find it again we shouldn't see each other. I was devastated but mostly just wondering what the hell happened -- we used to get along so effortlessly -- but said okay, I understand, and walked off to move on with my life. She sent me warm messages every other day for awhile which I mostly ignored, until after three weeks she said she really needed to meet. I refused but she insisted and I finally caved.

 

We meet up and Ella says she's realized she was never as happy as she was with me, and needs to see if I still have feelings for her. I'm pissed off and bitter, and say I'm not sure I can ever trust her again. She says she understands but hopes I can somehow. We meet a second time, and she continues to beg, and I finally relent and say okay, if you're committed, let's do it but take it slow. She seems happy. We meet again a few days later and have a blast.

 

Just before the next date, I get a message on FB from her best friend Alice from childhood, a girl I'd met and got along with when we were both visiting Ella in December, asking how I am. Cautiously I say fine, and Alice begins to tell me that as soon as she'd broken up with me, Ella had gotten back together with her ex, Dave. Alice has no reason to tell me this, so I ask her why she's betraying Ella's trust, and she says it's because she's sick of Ella's s*$*, sick of her treating others this way, and I'm "too good for her... she doesn't deserve you". I say thanks but am not sure how much I can believe.

 

Next time Ella and I meet I tell her I know she'd gotten back together with Dave, and want to know what the hell happened, and why she wasn't honest about it. She begs forgiveness, saying she'd been confused, that he'd promised her the world, but after she'd been with him for three weeks she realized she missed me more than he was worth and stopped it. She begged for another chance and finally I caved in. I've made mistakes in the past as well. Idiot.

 

So we go on like that for three more weeks. I'm never 100% sure it's really over with Dave. I think paranoid things like: did she truly end it with him or is she still with him while seeing me? Something just feels wrong. The things she says never quite line up. I tell her she needs to go just a little out of her way to help me trust her but she doesn't. She often tells stories where she'll just say she did something with "a friend", despite me knowing all her friends' names, and can't seem to just tell a story using the friend's name the first time, which always makes me ask which friend it was, which always makes me feel like I sound suspicious. Which up until the breakup I never was.

 

In this time she's quit her job without a backup, and moves out of her place to live on her girl friend's couch as she hated her old roommate but can't afford a new room. When she doesn't ask my help moving her stuff I don't offer, but later she tells me her friend helped out, again making me sigh and ask who. Some guy friend I haven't met of hers named Nick, from her home country, who she plays tennis with too. I say Nick sounds nice.

 

We go out for two more weeks and some nights are great, just like old times, and others she's moody, insisting it's because I still don't seem to trust her. I tell her I'll be fine if she'll just help me trust her, but while a few nights she sleeps with me, others she'll insist she's "feeling pressured" sometime around midnight and just wants the train home back to her friend's place. These nights I just walk her to the train, we kiss passionately, and say goodnight.

 

Yeah, I know there's no suspense here about what's coming. I also know I sound like the royal p"$^y I've become. I'm wrapping up, promise.

 

Finally, after a wonderful Sunday together spent walking in the park, drinks at a nearby bar, and a great dinner at my place and her sleeping over, Monday and Tuesday I have evening plans and she seems pissed. We'd agreed to go on a movie date Weds, but Weds afternoon she just sends a short SMS saying she has to cancel, sorry, "a guy friend wants to talk to me about a job at a club". I call her and she says it's her friend Peter who I've met, who does work in a club but is leaving town for Easter weekend and can only meet that night, so she really needs to go see if the hostess position he's talking about is worth it. I sigh and say hey, cool, go, jobs are important.

 

Thursday we talk on the phone and she says the night was lots of fun, the job Peter had didn't seem great, but they moved on and later found two more good bars, which she "just looked in but then left -- I gotta take you to them". I tell her okay, sounds like fun, but it's just a weird story, and she should just tell me if she doesn't want to continue trying to make things work. She says she absolutely does and is so sorry if she did something wrong. I tell her I want to make it work but I'm not feeling the same effort back, something feels weird at the communication is all off -- maybe it's just my trust issues causing problems after all -- but if you're not feeling it let's just move on. She gets upset, almost crying, apologizing, and says no, we just need time to trust each other, let's go out Friday all day. I relent.

 

That night I'm walking down the street after seeing The Hunger Games alone (good stuff), and get another message on FB from her old best friend Alice. This time Alice says that she just heard from Peter (the guy Ella went to the club with) that Ella's ex was in fact there with them... and she's living with him. I can't believe this, it's too insane, no one could lie that much, so I say Peter must be full of * * * * , but something about it rings true. Alice says I can believe whatever I want, but really should just drop Ella cold. She says that she didn't want to tell me, but Ella actually slept with her ex back in October a week after she came to visit me, and then slept with him multiple times in January before I returned. I'm stunned, and as Ella is so convincing, I have no idea who I can believe.

 

Friday Ella and I both have off for the Easter holiday, so we meet for lunch and I ask her if she was out with her ex on Weds night. I say if she was, whether or not she's living with him, I only want to know so we can both just peacefully end things and move on. Ella gets angry and demands to know who told me this. I tell her calmly that it doesn't matter who, just tell me if it's true. "NO!" she yells, and grips her wine glass so tight it breaks, cutting her hand. She keeps demanding to know who said this, and finally -- wanting her to just admit it -- I tell her that Peter had told Alice. She gets furious, yelling about fake friends, and starts trying to call them both to scream at them but her phone is dead. She marches back to the train and says she has to go home to wash her hand and delete both of them from her life but will meet me later.

 

Midnight she has plans to share a ride with her friend Nick back to her home country, 14 hours, as it's Easter Weekend and she needs a break and wants to see her mom. I have serious doubts that this is true, but it's such an unbelievable series of lies that I say I believe it, and we have dinner and drinks together and she relaxes. She says she thinks Alice must be lying so much because back in December she developed a crush on me and doesn't want us to be together. I say of course, that must be it, and drop the topic. I know I'm being sick and twisted but I need to see where this ends.

 

I finally walk Ella to the train that's she's taking to get picked up by Nick, we kiss goodnight, and she suggests that to help our relationship, we should each write one letter every day for the next four days while she's away to the other one, saying one thing we're going to do to help the other one trust us. This sounds so creative and positive I wonder if I can believe her.

 

All weekend while she's gone she texts me short messages saying how they pulled over on the drive to stop for lunch. She's using Whatsapp so clearly her data roaming is on, despite her being broke and never using her mobile phone last time she went home due to the high cost. She texts that they're back in her country but have two hours to go. Later that her mom's so surprised and happy to see her. That she can't wait to see her dad. But every conversation she always "has to go" in 2-3 minutes. Yesterday we talk on the phone and she says she's decided to stay there another week or so, as she's worn out and needs her family. She says she misses me and wishes I was there. She also laughingly comments on a funny picture I'd put on my blog recently, which she'd just read. Like a crazy stalker, I say wish her the best at home, say hi to the folks, and go check my blog stats. I used to be an internet analyst, and any basic site these days will tell you not only how many visits a site gets each day, but what device they're using and what city the visitor is in. Boom, there her iPhone is, and... the phone is still in London. She never left at all. Spent the whole of the past four days at her ex's place.

 

Today I get up, having slept badly all night, and decide to stop being a loser about all this and end it. After editing an email a dozen times, I finally decide to not do it mean, and just send her an SMS saying "This isn't working. I've forgotten what I was even fighting for, but hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. I wish you only the best. See ya around, lady. -C." So I won't be tempted to mope, I delete her from Facebook and delete all our old photos.

 

She messages back an hour later saying "Thanks, you'll always have a special place in my heart. Take care.", then another 30 minutes after that saying "S"&$, I really am gonna miss you... really hope you look me up one day and we can be friends." A few hours later I see that in return she's fully blocked me on Facebook. Vanished and unsearchable.

 

It's now been five weeks of no contact from either side, except for a mutual friend telling me she briefly changed her FB profile pic to a photo of her and her ex cuddling, then changed it back the same day. And yet I still am rehashing it all in my head every day.

 

THIS, people. This is why you shouldn't draw it out. Just nip it in the bud the first time they break up with you. Never go back. While I've fortunately gotten rid of her before it got even crazier, I lost my dignity in the process and it's going to a long time to recover. Appreciate the patience of anyone who read all this, but it was therapeutic writing it all out.

 

I just wish someone could tell me why a girl would behave like this... and how the hell I can get rid of the paranoia that it'll happen again.

[pteromom]

I just wish someone could tell me why a girl would behave like this... and how the hell I can get rid of the paranoia that it'll happen again.

 

Really, it's not that complicated. She liked both of you and did what she had to do to keep you on the hook. When she knew she was found out, she had no choice but to stop fighting for it.

 

As far as the paranoia that it will happen again -

 

When you start dating the next girl, pay attention to what she says. Don't just focus on how cute she is and how happy she makes you feel. Use both your heart AND your head. If you end up with someone who shows you she is dishonest, confused, or mean, PAY ATTENTION and act accordingly.

 

Don't just hand your heart to someone until they earn it.

 

BUT - know that it is better to be authentic and open and possibly get hurt than to live in fear of what someone else might do. No matter what someone else does, you'll be ok...

[getsback]

Mate, I'm recovering from a simular sought of thing right now. I havnt put my story on LS, but I was basically the other guy that ended up losing.

 

I agree with the post above, bascially they like two guys, they can't choose so they end up stringing both along till they make a decision. Or till a decision is forced upon them in your case. It hurts like hell and like you, I'm about 5 weeks out.

 

Its part of life unfortunately. Its part of the game. You win some, you lose some. You just gotta take it on the chin like a man!

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are so much better off without her in your life. Living with her Ex and pretend dating you? Kissing you at the train station and going home and sleeping with the Ex. Nice girl you had there.

 

I seriously think you need to send Alice a dozen yellow roses and a thank you card. You know damn well your Ex made her feel like crap for telling you, the least you can do is let her know that someone appreicated the truth!

[ChrisMac]

Good posts, pteromom and getsback. I just can't get over the anger that I never really was given a chance in this competition because I didn't know I was competing. I only knew her words and shady actions, yet couldn't believe someone would be capable of such hardcore lying for two months, so just accepted the words and ignored the actions.

 

In the end I lost because I was too suspicious, yet I was suspicious because she wasn't good enough at hiding the other guy. That's messed up.

 

Ah, well. Good riddance and lessons learned:

 

1) Yes, don't give out the heart until it's earned.

 

2) If you can't believe the actions, ignore the words.

 

3) People are indeed capable of hardcore lying. Just not all of them, thank god.

 

 

Chi, haha, yeah, Ella apparently called Alice that day and told her she's a b%#% and her daughter's a piece of s#%&, and Alice in return told her she's a whore who will always be alone. Needless to say, there's not much friendship left there. Alice and I have commiserated since then -- very cool girl.

[pteromom]

In the end I lost because I was too suspicious, yet I was suspicious because she wasn't good enough at hiding the other guy. That's messed up.

 

You lost because you were willing to trust your instincts and stand up for yourself. This is NOT a loss - it's a win!

 

Winning a person who lies, uses others, and cheats would be the real loss.

 

You are much better off, no matter how it hurts.

[ChrisMac]

You lost because you were willing to trust your instincts and stand up for yourself. This is NOT a loss - it's a win!

 

Winning a person who lies, uses others, and cheats would be the real loss.

 

You are much better off, no matter how it hurts.

 

Trust me, I get that. It would have just been more satisfying to win her choice and then still do the dumping.

[pteromom]

Trust me, I get that. It would have just been more satisfying to win her choice and then still do the dumping.

 

Nahhhh... as satisfying as that is in theory, it is much more satisfying to know you kept your integrity through the whole mess.

[ChrisMac]

Nahhhh... as satisfying as that is in theory, it is much more satisfying to know you kept your integrity through the whole mess.

 

You know, that's the thing that finally caused me to man up and end it. I was sorely tempted to go to more extreme measures to get her to admit the truth. I wasn't sure what, but man did I want her to finally just spill it.

 

But a good friend who doesn't usually have great advice came up gold this time -- "Man, you're gonna meet a far more amazing girl someday. And when you do, and you have that honest talk about exes, what story do you want to tell her?" I couldn't argue with that.