How Private IS "Private" Communication...?

[USMCHokie]

If I knew something I said to my bf was being repeated word for word to a friend, I'd be deeply offended. That's disrespectful. You can get good advice from outsiders on a situation without repeating word for word everything the person's said.

You're saying you only forwarded "relevant" pieces of the discussion for advice. Who's to say that the relevant pieces were a fair and accurate portrayal of you or her? Your friends won't know any better, and they'd be giving you advice based on what you've chosen to share, which may or may not be the whole story.

 

I also think that no matter how good the advice you get is, the discussion that resolves the issue should be between you and the person who sent you the correspondence. I don't think you should take a friend's advice and use your friend's perspective as your position. They're not dealing with the person, you are. And they may not see the person's actions as you do.

 

Wouldn't providing a paraphrase or the "gist" of something give you freedom to color the communication as you see fit and manipulate the tone?

 

And no, I didn't think it appropriate to share every communication evet sent to paint yhe "whole story."

[Star Gazer]

So you'd say that the audience of the information would be determinative in whether you feel it's acceptable to share?

 

Of course. I think it's okay to share everything with your therapist, or on a truly anonymous message board... that is, with people who don't and WILL NEVER know you or your SO.

[USMCHokie]

I have never forwarded or even shown texts or emails of personal nature to others, not even if they were only from friends, not romantic partners. I would be gutted if someone did that to me. I've never shared anything specific like that on LS either even though I'm 100% certain none of my exes use this site.

 

I don't usually bother asking for advice since others aren't likely to know my SOs as much as I do and subtle nuances are often not obvious. If I had to give background information, it would unduly influence those I am seeking advice from therefore there isn't much point starting the whole process. I'm good at working things out myself.

 

But wouldn't knowing someone influence the advice given? Isn't the whole point of LS to get objective, unbiased third party advice...?

[Star Gazer]

If I knew something I said to my bf was being repeated word for word to a friend, I'd be deeply offended. That's disrespectful. You can get good advice from outsiders on a situation without repeating word for word everything the person's said.

 

I also find it pointless. That friend probably doesn't have the same type of relationship that you do with that person, even if you're all just friends.

 

You're saying you only forwarded "relevant" pieces of the discussion for advice. Who's to say that the relevant pieces were a fair and accurate portrayal of you or her? Your friends won't know any better, and they'd be giving you advice based on what you've chosen to share, which may or may not be the whole story.

 

I also think that no matter how good the advice you get is, the discussion that resolves the issue should be between you and the person who sent you the correspondence. I don't think you should take a friend's advice and use your friend's perspective as your position. They're not dealing with the person, you are. And they may not see the person's actions as you do.

 

All great points.

[Star Gazer]

Isn't the whole point of LS to get objective, unbiased third party advice...?

 

You shared with your friends IRL.

[Emilia]

Isn't the whole point of LS to get objective, unbiased third party advice...?

 

I don't believe that's possible which is why I hardly ever ask for advice here. People base their advice on something they know, not on something that is actually the case. Perhaps occasionally I would have got to the conclusions faster if I had asked for advice here but I think more complex cases are not always that well debated because many are not wise enough - except for some posters who have also posted on this thread (I'm excluding myself).

[USMCHokie]

You shared with your friends IRL.

 

...who had an objective and unbiased view because they did not know and would not have known my friend.

[Emilia]

...who had an objective and unbiased view because they did not know and would not have known my friend.

 

Was this about your wanting closure or just debate?

[johan]

So you'd say that the audience of the information would be determinative in whether you feel it's acceptable to share?

 

While I tend not to share just on principle, if it did become a possibility, then like I said: if they don't know each other, never will, I'm not putting a full name to the quote, and what I provide will never somehow make into the public realm, then it might be ok in a minority of cases.

 

But pretty much no matter what, if the sender finds out you forwarded it, no matter who it goes to, they're going to be annoyed. I would be. But I wouldn't come down on them as hard as Star is coming down on you. That's just making yet more personal stuff public for no good reason. I feel like we're all expected to agree you're a total bastard, which you aren't. Maybe you made a mistake. Big deal. Lesson learned, right?

 

I tend to cringe when I see people copy and paste interactions like IM conversations into posts here. Even though there is no way to link that conversation to anyone, it's still a private conversation made public.

 

I wouldn't forward anything sent directly to me from, say, Star to someone who knows her unless it happened to be public information anyway.

[Almond_Joy]

Wouldn't providing a paraphrase or the "gist" of something give you freedom to color the communication as you see fit and manipulate the tone?

 

And no, I didn't think it appropriate to share every communication evet sent to paint yhe "whole story."

 

Paraphrasing does leave room for that possiblity, but it doesn't mean you have to take it, and it acknowledges some semblance of privacy regarding communication between you and the person you're looking to get advice about.

 

I also think people bring issues online for the anonymity. Sharing problems with mutual friends is like s******g where you sleep. As some have already said, it creates an opportunity for your friends to take sides, or view the other person differently based on your interactions with that person vs. theirs.

 

If you paraphrase a situation to a group of people who don't know the other person, they have no attachment to you or the other person, and can give you more objective advice.

[Star Gazer]

...who had an objective and unbiased view because they did not know and would not have known my friend.

 

Um, yes they would have known me. They knew who I was, and I was to have met them had I followed through with my plans to visit.

 

And if they didn't know me, that would make their advice ANYTHING BUT objective and unbiased, as they ONLY had YOUR side of the story.

[Star Gazer]

But I wouldn't come down on them as hard as Star is coming down on you.

 

I feel like we're all expected to agree you're a total bastard, which you aren't. Maybe you made a mistake. Big deal. Lesson learned, right?

 

This is not the only reason I take issue with Hokie. To be sure, this is the LEAST of the issues I have with him. If you only knew... which you won't, and never will, because *I* will not disclose.

[Emilia]

And if they didn't know me, that would make their advice ANYTHING BUT objective and unbiased, as they ONLY had YOUR side of the story.

 

That's the trouble. You either give a very biased one-sided view or you show snipets of the other person by forwarding some emails/texts which might present them in a light that's not their best (since they were probably emotional when they wrote it).

 

I think the only way you get very valuable advice if the third party knows both of you extremely well. Otherwise people fall back on stereotypes. See it on LS every day. Pointless.

[USMCHokie]

Was this about your wanting closure or just debate?

 

Define "this".

 

If you mean this thread, then it's about personal resolution. Was the hypothetical in question really as bad as I was led to believe for so long? And if so, does that make anyone who shares such information as equally vile?

[Emilia]

Define "this".

 

Your reason for sharing the other person's communication in the first place. I know people do desperate things for closure so I'd be quite forgiving.

 

If you mean this thread, then it's about personal resolution. Was the hypothetical in question really as bad as I was led to believe for so long? And if so, does that make anyone who shares such information as equally vile?

 

I'm with Johan probably on this one. I'd forgive but wouldn't be chuffed. Star says she is mad at your for other reasons.

[Almond_Joy]

I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not saying you're a horrible person. I don't know you. I'm just saying that these actions are deeply disrespectful. I'd think them disrespectful of anyone who does them, not just you.....

[Emilia]

I think that you are quite young Hokie and also that you will never date another person from a public message board again Quite wisely so.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, I did.

 

So why do folks on LS ask for amplifying information? Is the "gist" enough? Can you honestly say that you can give reasonable guidance if someone came here and just said that someone sent them a mean text message?

 

Of course you can give your best effort at reasonable guidance.

 

If someone sent you a mean text, what is someone else gonna do about it? If you need support, you need it for YOUR REACTION to the mean text, not for the content of the text itself.

 

If someone you care about calls you an asshat, why share this text with another friend? Are you concerned that you might be an asshat? Ask your other friend if they think you are. Discuss your asshat qualities, or lack thereof.

 

Are your feelings hurt? Talk about the feelings you have with your other friend.

 

Showing them the text? It serves no purpose other than "look what a jerk so-and-so is." Or, conversely, "look how into me so-and-so is," or, "pity me because I've been sent this mean text." Or maybe, "I'm feeling rejected, so now I'll pay the person back by sharing our private correspondence." None are mature or appropriate. We are not in high school.

 

Here on LS, some people just want more dirt. And sometimes, we ask for more details because a poster will ask "what does it mean when he/ she says blah blah blah"? And we need the context. Though I personally think that asking strangers what somebody we know means is sadly misguided.

 

What exactly were you wanting to gain by showing the private communication? Did you get what you wanted?

[USMCHokie]

Your reason for sharing the other person's communication in the first place. I know people do desperate things for closure so I'd be quite forgiving.

 

My question posed simply was, how would [my friend] react if a girl said this to [him].

 

I'm with Johan probably on this one. I'd forgive but wouldn't be chuffed. Star says she is mad at your for other reasons.

 

Star made this about Star. I am generally asking about the sharing of information.

[d'Arthez]

I think the only way you get very valuable advice if the third party knows both of you extremely well. Otherwise people fall back on stereotypes. See it on LS every day. Pointless.

Unless you have a well-developed sense of self-awareness and know when you are attributing words to an imagined person rather than the actual person. Which, in turn would make it pointless to ask for advice on LS.

 

If you know people / are a regular poster, the last thing you'd want to do is to ask for advice on such a massive board, when loyalties and reactions can be quite unpredictable.

[USMCHokie]

I think that you are quite young Hokie and also that you will never date another person from a public message board again Quite wisely so.

 

Hahah, I wouldn't discount it. You meant to say, no one from a public message board will ever date me.

 

And anything you might be talking about was largely an incompatibility of personalities moreso than anything to do with a message board.

[Emilia]

My question posed simply was, how would [my friend] react if a girl said this to [him].

 

 

That happened to me. One of my exes used to share stuff like that with his best friend. It bothered me at the time because it made me feel embarrassed, it also made me feel my ex was influenced by someone else who could pass judgement on me (as best friends often do!) without taking everything else into account.

 

It's usually out of context and usually one sided. Only someone very smart who is not a s**t-stirrer who would give you any decent advice in that situation.

[Star Gazer]

Star made this about Star.

 

Give me a break, and be honest. The fact pattern posed in the OP is MY emails that YOU shared. It's about me, and only me.

[Emilia]

Hahah, I wouldn't discount it. You meant to say, no one from a public message board will ever date me.

 

No I meant it the original way. I would shiver if my private life was this public but we are all different.

 

And anything you might be talking about was largely an incompatibility of personalities moreso than anything to do with a message board.

 

I meant your private life is much more on a display as a result.

[Emilia]

Unless you have a well-developed sense of self-awareness and know when you are attributing words to an imagined person rather than the actual person. Which' date=' in turn would make it pointless to ask for advice on LS.[/b']

 

That's my point. It is pointless. I enjoy reading people's points of view, it has been great education for me. Even people I have on my 'ignore list' I take off sometimes so I can understand how they think. There about about 10 people here I would ask for advice though. Probably could do it via PM if I really wanted to.

 

 

If you know people / are a regular poster, the last thing you'd want to do is to ask for advice on such a massive board, when loyalties and reactions can be quite unpredictable.

 

Yes that's a whole other can of worms