chickaboom Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm in serious need of some opinions from both women and men here. I've been dating a man for almost 2 years. We're both divorced and each have 2 children. We're very much in love, and have a very passionate relationship, which can sometimes lead to drama - usually because we miscommunicate. We had talked about moving in together a while back but the time just wasn't right - but lately it has become a reality. Now to his ex wife. Apparently she has been in danger of losing her job, and for the past month my guy has been worried about her financially. She's terrible with money, has no savings and lives paycheck to paycheck. She blew all the money she got when he bought her out of their home. Still he and other members of their family "worry" about her. As a sidenote: This woman cheated on him and basically threw him out like yesterday's garbage Still, for the sake of his kids he wants a smooth cohesive relationship where they still do things as a family occasionally - including holidays. While I agree that is a nice philosophy, not many people can pull it off. Fast forward to this past week - planning a birthday party for their 5 year old daughter at his house (the house she used to live in), he was stressing and worrying that it would be hard for her to be in that house with everyone, especially his "hot" girlfriend (as her brother described me). In fact, all I've heard for months is concern for this woman over and over. It was decided that I should be low key and make sure his ex has control of the party and situation. Fine with me. Party came and went - went very well. I was gracious, friendly, and stayed out of the way. It was not easy for me - her entire family was there, and much of his, making me feel quite frankly like the mistress visiting a family gathering. Friday night in fact she stopped by the house while he and I were sitting outside having a glass of wine and she sat down with us. I had to sit there and listen to the two of them talk and reminisce about friends and family. Again, uncomfortable. Ok almost over I promise. SUNDAY my guy and his ex had plans to take the kids to Disneyland for the 5 year olds birthday. No I was not invited, but they did take the grandparents. Fine - I have no right to say anything and it was for the kids. It was Mother's day and in the morning got a beautiful text from him, and all was really wonderful, until I logged onto Facebook, to see a picture he posted of him, his ex, son, and both grandparents. Honestly it looked like they were still married - one big happy family. Not sure why but it was like a kick in the stomach. Of all the pictures why he chose to put that up is beyond me. He wasn't thinking - I know he wasn't trying to hurt me personally. He just wasn't thinking The problem has been in his reaction. When I told him I didn't like it and it basically said "you don't have to rub my nose in it by posting pictures that look like you're still married - everyone on FB probably thinks you're getting back together." Later that day he deactivated his FB account entirely out of anger. Since then we've barely spoken, and when I spoke to him yesterday, he told me I ruined his day at Disneyland, and that he wanted to postpone, or delay our move in together. He just kept saying that "he didn't get it" as to why that picture was wrong. My heart is broken. I went above and beyond for this man trying to make things smooth for him, and this is what I get? Later on FB, a picture comes up in my feed that his EX posted. The only reason I could see it is that she tagged his mother in it. It is my guy and his ex, sitting together in the rollercoaster, with the little girl in between them. It's an action shot and they're laughing their asses off. Looks like I didn't ruin his day so much. I went to bed last night absolutely sick to my stomach. We haven't spoken again and I have no idea what will happen. Honestly? I'm not worried they're getting back together, I just think he's putting her feelings above mine, and he REALLY needs some stricter boundaries when it comes to her. I need to know he has my back - I ask very little of him. So now I need opinions about everything - did I overreact to the picture or do you agree that most women wouldn't want to see a picture of him and his ex and family on FB? Or any pics of him and an ex that weren't at a major life event? I love this man SO dearly - I really felt we were meant to be together. Issues like this haven't come up much - but this one has me really worried about a future with him. Thank you for reading this - I know it is soo very long....
NeverDated Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Just my opinion on this. You're giving him far too much credit. He isn't over her. He wants her back. He's building a "happy life" with you to show her how much he doesn't need her, in the hopes that she'll come crawling back to him. I don't think you overreacted in the slightest. I had a similar situation with my boyfriend and his ex, although he has no children. For about two months, I was asked to hide things from our friends because he was afraid news would get back to his ex and hurt her feelings. When I explained my opinion on the matter - she is an ex, her opinion doesn't matter, she has no place in OUR life - he backed off and cut off his "friendship" with her. The fact that your guy isn't doing things the "right" way is a huge red flag. When people get divorced, they keep things civil for the kids when necessary, but build two different lives. Going on trips together, having parties together with all the family, that kind of thing, is not good for the kids. They are now in this very confusing situation where Mommy and Daddy still have fun together, but live apart. He knows this and I'd bet he's only keeping that kind of closeness because their relationship isn't "over." In short, despite the divorce, you really ARE the mistress at a family event. He's using his kids as an excuse to justify keeping her. If I were you, I'd lay it on the line to him and get out if he refuses to put up the necessary boundaries.
aisle_seat Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I disagree with NeverDated; I don't don't think he's got some grand plan to get his ex back - your assessment is closer to the mark: he wasn't thinking when he put those pics on FB. Having been in a similar situation, I can tell you that when you have kids and still need to share time with the ex, it is not an easy situation. Guilt over the divorce (regardless of why or who's fault it was) it terribly difficult to deal with when it comes to the kids and there is a tendency to over compensate to create "family" times so the kids get to have mommy and daddy at the same time. As the girlfriend, I understand that this can make you very uncomfortable. I don't think he should have posted the pics on FB; that is not being very sensitive at all. I don't think I'd have had a birthday party with all the grandparents and relatives of the ex there, either, knowing that would not be comfortable for you at all. But again, the over-compensating thing. It's hard not to do. I think he way-over reacted to your concern about the FB pics. He should have known better to begin with. Not sure how to resolve this...I'd let him stew for a bit. He should apologize, but if he doesn't you may need to calmly explain how you feel about all this "family stuff". Not that you're objecting to it, but make sure he knows how it makes you feel and ask him to be a little more sensitive to that.
shayla Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 He still has issues with her, and I would just back away from this and find a man that isn't so tied to his ex.
NeverDated Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Having been in a similar situation, I can tell you that when you have kids and still need to share time with the ex, it is not an easy situation. Guilt over the divorce (regardless of why or who's fault it was) it terribly difficult to deal with when it comes to the kids and there is a tendency to over compensate to create "family" times so the kids get to have mommy and daddy at the same time. As the girlfriend, I understand that this can make you very uncomfortable. I don't think he should have posted the pics on FB; that is not being very sensitive at all. I don't think I'd have had a birthday party with all the grandparents and relatives of the ex there, either, knowing that would not be comfortable for you at all. But again, the over-compensating thing. It's hard not to do. There is no "need to share time with the ex." I have children (young ones) with my ex-husband - we don't share time. The only time everyone was together was for my mother's funeral. Trying to keep that "family time" only confuses the kids because you are no longer a family. One of the hardest things for little kids to understand is that Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, will never again be together, and their life is different. Artificially creating those "family times" is destructive and makes the whole process of acceptance harder, because the kids will always have their hopes up that they will get their old life back. I have never once seen a parent do this kind of thing without some ulterior motive to get the other parent back. It's selfish and one of the sickest things parents can subject their children to, because it's more for their benefit than for the kids.
Author chickaboom Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I want to clarify a few things. In the two years we've dated, he's done stuff with the ex (like going to her house for a holiday, or his mother inviting her over) only a couple of times, and once they took the kids to a movie together. I've had discussions about this before with him. He is adamant that this is what he wants for his kids - to know that his parents are friends and they do still have a family. According to his mother, he was very concerned that I was comfortable at this party, and she was making sure I was never alone and always had someone to talk to, etc. He wasn't talking to her excessively, mostly about needing more drinks, etc. It was his reaction to me not liking the photo that I didn't like, He just doesn't get why I find it upsetting. Plus the fact that he's punishing me by saying we should delay moving in together. He seems to have a hard time admitting when he's wrong. And he has admitted that sometimes he goes too far when it comes to the Ex. His mother said that the ex is a mess, is always falling apart, and is her own worst enemy. She also said she hopes the ex finds some rich guy to take care of her and get her out of their lives.
aisle_seat Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I'm sorry NeverDated, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I know a number of divorced parents who still get together on special occasions that concern their kids, usually Christmas and birthdays. That has also been my experience and believe me, there are no ulterior motives involved. But to chickaboom's point, I do believe her ex 1) Wrongly posted the pics on FB and 2) Is over-reacting to her objection to the posting of those pictures. I don't know why he can't see that the OP would be upset about those pictures; it seems self evident to me.
Quiet Storm Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It sounds to me like that he wanted to keep his family together, but his wife's issues (cheating, money, etc) were intolerable. He probably still wishes he could have a stable family unit for his daughter. Doing fun things like vacations and parties highlight the good things about the family unit (laughter, fun, togetherness). Living with her on a full time basis put focus on the negative (the fighting, her cheating, her spending, etc). He was probably annoyed by your reaction about the photo because he probably views it as a happy time for his daughter. Although the vacation was difficult for you, it was probably the happiest his daughter has been in a long time. He wanted to share that happiness with others. Facebook causes so much drama because people get so worried about what other people think. Who cares what other people think if YOU know the truth? It's petty gossip. There are people that post photos to make statements and cause drama. There are people that put up all their happy phony photos to skew the perception of others when they are truly miserable. And there are people that just like to post the happy, real moments in their lives. This was a happy and real moment for him. Until you are his wife, I suggest that you stay out his decisions unless he asks for your advice. Especially regarding his daughter, ex wife and mother. It really is not any of your business. It is understandable that you feel like a mistress being on the sidelines like that, but you allowed yourself to be put there. You can choose not to attend. If he is inconsiderate of your feelings, you don't have to stay with him. Instead of using his actions to guilt him into being your idea of a good boyfriend, watch what he does. If you don't like the way he handles things, then maybe he isn't a good match for you. He is a grown man. You can't change people, and trying to will just breed resentment on both sides. Although you can't control him or what he does, you can control how YOU react to his decisions. You have every right to discuss your concerns with him, but he also has the right to dismiss them. If your needs are not being met in this relationship, if you are not feeling secure and loved, then you have every right to move on.
NeverDated Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It was his reaction to me not liking the photo that I didn't like, He just doesn't get why I find it upsetting. Plus the fact that he's punishing me by saying we should delay moving in together. This is my huge red flag that he's not over her. While it has never been my experience, I can understand where aisle_seat is coming from. The fact of the matter here, WRT to your OP, is he's purposely ignoring your (and his family's) feelings on the matter. He isn't over her. If he was, he would understand why it upset you. As it stands, I would bet he does understand and simply doesn't want to admit what's going on. Once you two move in together, there's a finality. Perhaps not a finality with you, but that means he's moved on to a new, serious relationship. Let's face it, you both have kids - living together is basically marriage without the contract. If he commits to that, he's destroying the possibility of getting her back and rebuilding what they had. The longer he can postpone moving in together, the more time he buys with open options. The very fact that he would use that against you, whatever else is going on, is a sign that the relationship isn't as committed as you think it is.
The Humbler Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Mother of his child > You Realize this quick and never bust his balls about her again or you'll be history
Author chickaboom Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Honestly, I'm not worried he wants to go back to her. He just has this excessive idea that it's fine for the kids' sake to do things with both parents there. The Trip to Disneyland was a one hour drive away - it wasn't a vacation. And both of the grandmother's were there also. His mother told me in the car he talked about me the entire way there, how great I was at the birthday party. Apparently both he and her wanted to be sure I wasn't alone and had people to talk to. I respect that she is the mother of those kids, just as I am mine. My ex has a girlfriend, but there's no WAY she'd go for us all hanging out together unless it was a major life event. I have a more separated divorce. I don't even know where we stand right now. All I want to know is that he can have boundaries with her, and that unless it directly involved the CHILDRENs feelings and not hers, that he not put her before me. I don't think that's too much to ask.
NeverDated Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I don't even know where we stand right now. All I want to know is that he can have boundaries with her, and that unless it directly involved the CHILDRENs feelings and not hers, that he not put her before me. I don't think that's too much to ask. Well, then tell him that. My whole point to you is you need to be prepared to discover this isn't at all about the kids. You wrote a lot about how she feels, how you feel, how he feels...well, how do the kids feel? It seems like that isn't a deciding factor here. He's concerned with he ex's feelings. my guy has been worried about her financially he was stressing and worrying that it would be hard for her to be in that house with everyone He is adamant that this is what he wants for his kids See the pattern? Those are just the three that can be blatantly quoted, there were many more in there. You didn't mention a thing about what the kids are actually experiencing, which leads me to believe no one is actually considering it. The whole situation is about what the ex wants, what he wants, how he feels about her. Let's put it a different way: maybe he doesn't actually want her back. He may not be looking to rekindle their romance. But he is looking to maintain the Mommy and Daddy dynamic. He still wants his "family" with his girlfriend on the side.
g450 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Only needed to read a few sentences of your post. As other have already stated. He is not over her. There is absolutely no need for her to be in his life. Doing family things together with her means doing things WITH HER. Do not be blind to this. She is an Ex for a reason and he needs to treat her as such. Not as a family member. To me, he is totally disrespecting your relationship with him. You need to set boundries and fast. I do not see a good outcome here if he continues. It sounds like he wants to have two women in his life. Do you really want to be be a sideshow for this man while he continues to play house with his ex? Be honest with yourself.
phineas Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 There is no "need to share time with the ex." I have children (young ones) with my ex-husband - we don't share time. The only time everyone was together was for my mother's funeral. Trying to keep that "family time" only confuses the kids because you are no longer a family. One of the hardest things for little kids to understand is that Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, will never again be together, and their life is different. Artificially creating those "family times" is destructive and makes the whole process of acceptance harder, because the kids will always have their hopes up that they will get their old life back. I have never once seen a parent do this kind of thing without some ulterior motive to get the other parent back. It's selfish and one of the sickest things parents can subject their children to, because it's more for their benefit than for the kids. I agree 100% unless we are exchanging the kids or doing something parent/teacher related, my ex is dead to me. She used to try & get me to do "family time" stuff after we were divorced. which is kinda funny cause she never wanted to do that stuff when we were married. She did it with her boyfriend. She's living with him & now she want's to do that stuff? When she asks, I ask if i'm gonna get some. Then when she says no I tell her if she expects me to spend the day with her & the kids she's gonna have to make it worth my while because i can go with the kids alone and have more fun. Soooo...she has stopped asking except for school functions. I goto those but I wear a t-shirt that say's "not with stupid" I just have to make sure she is on my right.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Could you make anymore excuses for him chickaboom? you're on a roll.. Jesus christ, you're like his only little defense attorney stomping around in heels, not merely convincing us but more of these saying are for yourself. - First you start off by validating the emotions the relationship (BAM! insecure red flag right there...you do not need to defend something that doesn't need defending) - Secondly the excuses start pouring out of your mouth like a bus full of kids on a field trip...since you've already "defended" the integrity of the relationship, now you're ready to spill the beans - Thirdly now you're speaking for him and putting words in his mouth or representing him by using things he may or may not have said! (BAM! Third red flag) You've seriously got to be kidding me If this is as far as your common sense goes...but there is no doubt in my mind you know you're bending way too far backwards for this and you think like a puppy doing tricks there's going to be a nice big treat in the end. Well guess what...the chances are you're "dedication and loyalty" is going to go unnoticed and If anything you're going to look like the bad guy trying to get in between the "family" because you're trying so hard to sit on your hands and be a nice little trophy consolation prize for MR. Heartbroken so he doesn't have to be alone. The delusion in your mind is just too much to be subtle so I'm just going to tell you that you're out of your mind...this man clearly isn't over his ex, in fact she cheated on him therefore he's likely never ever let go from that day forward and broken up with her only out of principle and emotions, I'm sure there are other factors in there but It's really all the same...this guy is going to use his family for a crutch to be close to his ex-wife and create that unity he so desperately didn't want to give up but felt forced into doing...now every time you intervene and call him out he's going to throw a pissy fit and scold you as a trouble maker because deep inside you're hitting on a nerve and he knows the damn truth. Now you're wondering If you're overreacting? HA! You're going to bend over for this guy hell or high water aren't you? You clearly have shown you don't respect yourself as an individual because NO IT'S NOT OK TO BE HIS GF AND BE TREATED LIKE A GHOST AROUND HIS FAMILY BECAUSE OF HIS EX WIFE WHO CHEATED ON HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE...now you just look like a fool...a fool for dealing with all that crap, I'm sure these people look down on you and IF you're as hot as you say you are then nobody probably even believes he's with you for anything serious, they just look at you as a rebound and a hot rebound because at the end of the day you get no say so and no respect, so this guy shouldn't even be in a relationship If that's how he's going to treat someone. He needs to man up and put his situation with his wife to the side and do what he needs to do for his kids...she's the one that F'd this up, I'm not sure why you feel you need to suffer the consequences for this...clearly it's too soon for him to have a serious relationship and being with you is going to cause to many "waves and rifts" in his ideal so he might as well stay single, appease her, use his children to retain the family unit so that he doesn't have to let her go. Bottom line is its not respectful and fair to you, and that's what counts in a relationship, If he can't give you that then he's not respecting the relationship that you have at all, what are you? just some woman he hangs out with? You're so insecure, and he's got his head up his @ss so far I don't really see anything changing...you're just going to try and "make it work" and say.... "oh baby what do you need, what can I do to make it better...how can I apologize for BS that I didn't even cause so that you'll forgive me and treat me like a second class person so that can have everything you want, I just want you to be happy! sacrifice me! I'll do whatever it takes even If it makes me look like a fool because somewhere in my brain I think that's what true love is just because you love me passionately and say nice things to me some of the time...that makes it all worth it!" He'll push, you'll bend as far as you need to go, you have already...It's sad that you would put your emotions for someone higher than the respect that you have for yourself. I guess you're going to to just have to deal with it! hope you land your man in the end right?...sounds like a helluva guy! 1
lynbetz Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 My advice is that he should take the kids from her, and this woman should stay in the gutter where she belongs, let him know how you feel, spice things up a bit and don't let his ex wife get in the way of what you two have.
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