Wanting your ex back?

[Hope4anangel]

Well in a way it was because I was mistreated. He dis respected me and did not do a simple thing I asked like let me go if he didn't want to be with me cuz he didn't want to commit even after 3 months of talking again. He was still in a way controlling me even though he wasn't you know what I mean? He acted like he didn't care. Talked bad behind my back at one point too. And tried to make our relationship secretive and I was not happy. So I don't him bye call me when u wanna be in a real relationship but I'm moving on and will start dating other people. He Agreed just like that. A month later he tried to wheel himself in agai. And I rejected him cuz I could see that he didn't change so almost 3 months now since that contact

 

To be honest hun, do you really want him back if he treated you like this? I know exactly what you mean about the controlling thing. And the fact he spoke bad of you behind your back, no decent man should be doing that.

 

As for the commitment issue, a lot of men go through this and sometimes it can be for valid reasons. My ex was like that only because his last ex cheated on him and done a lot of bad stuff to him. He was a bit dubious of telling people about us but then one day he put on FB he was in a relationship (big step for him) but it took a good few months. And I was patient and waited. It depends what you are willing and not willing to do.

 

If you do want him back, make sure that he is willing to make commitment if that's what you want. Don't be sucked back into the same trap. If he really wants you, he will do anything to be with you.

 

Maybe he needs more time to realise what he is missing and change. That can't be done overnight, it can take time.

 

I would continue to date others but don't jump into a relationship with someone else unless you are over him otherwise it may end up messy.

 

If he wants you back, let him do the crawling for mistreating you. And when the time comes, you may even realise YOU don't want HIM back...

[Hope4anangel]

I don't want my ex back. I recently found out some things about him that mean if I did take him back, I would have to accept certain things that I don't want to. And there is not thing I could say or do to change the situation. It is not possible because that is just who he is. To stay means I would be forced to accept a relationship that is completely void of emotional intimacy. Blech. No thank you.

 

Sounds like you are being very sensible about this. Some people will do anything to get back with their ex but when they do, can they really forget the stuff they have been through? Or accept what they don't want just to have them back? It depends on you as a person. Some people can blank it all out, others can't. I am somewhere in between, some things I can let pass and others I can't. They dwell in my mind and that's no good at all.

 

I am thinking that he wants the best of both worlds? Doesn't want commitment but wants you for someone to spend some nights with and have fun? Maybe I am wrong, just the impression I am getting.

[mpz]

hope4angel could you read my thread and advise me,i have had a lot of advise but would be intrigued to see what you would say. thanks

[Svet74]

Yeah his ex of 3 yrs cheated on him so he always has trust issues but I thought we got past that. A part of me thinks he didn't wanna commit was because he still wanted to party and do what he wants. When we first broke up a yr ago. He couldn't explain to me why and how he was feeling. All he said was that he was not happy anymore and that his feelings changed. But he still wanted fwb. I guess until he figured things out and would say maybe we will get back together. And I waited for him for almost a yr until I just gave up.

[Hope4anangel]

Yeah his ex of 3 yrs cheated on him so he always has trust issues but I thought we got past that. A part of me thinks he didn't wanna commit was because he still wanted to party and do what he wants. When we first broke up a yr ago. He couldn't explain to me why and how he was feeling. All he said was that he was not happy anymore and that his feelings changed. But he still wanted fwb. I guess until he figured things out and would say maybe we will get back together. And I waited for him for almost a yr until I just gave up.

 

The cheating could be a major part of why he is not willing to commit. Although he has to get to a point where he realises that not ALL women cheat. He needs to try and put the past behind him and unfortunately until he does that, he won't give you the fulfilment you need in a relationship. FWB does not do the dumpee any good if they want more, it is just leading you on to hopefully believe that one day you will have a proper relationship. Until he is ready to commit, there is no point pursuing it.

 

I would still give him a smile when you see him but do no more. This is his mess to solve and you don't deserve to hang around waiting on him. Go out on dates, just like I said, don't get involved in anything too heavy just now unless you 100% want it otherwise your head will be in an even bigger mess.

 

Unless you meet the man of your dreams, just enjoy the single life for now and hopefully your ex will realise what a tool he's being.

[Hope4anangel]

hope4angel could you read my thread and advise me,i have had a lot of advise but would be intrigued to see what you would say. thanks

 

No problem, will have a read and comment now

[goldengirl11]

Hi Hope4anangel, I wrote a thread today written in the dating section currently on the front page. Would you mind taking a look? Also I think you might have to send 50 posts to get the PM facility.

[Svet74]

Yeah and he caught me texting another guy which was nothing serious but he took it to heart and thought I was capable of cheating. Eventually he got over it but that only pulled out those insecurities in him. I did what I did and apologized and never did that again but it was his choice to forgive me or not. But it's crazy how after time he just started treating me badly. I didn't deserve that and I had to let him go before it got worse. And yeah that's what I'm doing. Dating here and there but not ready for anything serious

[Hope4anangel]

Hi Hope4anangel, I wrote a thread today written in the dating section currently on the front page. Would you mind taking a look? Also I think you might have to send 50 posts to get the PM facility.

 

Sorry hun, had left work and didn't see this until this morning. Thanks, hopefully I will reach 50 posts soon enough

 

I'll have a look at your thread just now

[Hope4anangel]

Yeah and he caught me texting another guy which was nothing serious but he took it to heart and thought I was capable of cheating. Eventually he got over it but that only pulled out those insecurities in him. I did what I did and apologized and never did that again but it was his choice to forgive me or not. But it's crazy how after time he just started treating me badly. I didn't deserve that and I had to let him go before it got worse. And yeah that's what I'm doing. Dating here and there but not ready for anything serious

 

Sounds like this texting thing is perhaps festering with him. Even if he forgave you, doesn't mean he forgot about it. Were you just friendly chatting to this guy or was it more flirty?

 

I can perhaps see why, if he was cheated on before, that he has had trust issues with you if you were caught flirting with another guy. I always feel it's best to turn the situation round and imagine if it were you. If you caught him texting another girl, how would you feel?

 

I really think this has lingered with him and perhaps this is the 'anger' part coming out because he's held it in for a long time. Your head has the power to overthink and drive you crazy!

[Briankins]

Hi Hope4anangel, could you please look at my thread and advise me? thank you.

[Svet74]

He wasn't even mad that I was texting the guy he was just mad that I didn't tell him but hey I made a mistake. U learn from it And move on. It was a co worker my manager and I ended up quitting the job and yeah it was kinda flirty. When I quit I told my ex that I quit for him so we can fix our relationship and I became more like trying too hard. Being the best ever. So nice. But he only got mean. Even after nc that didn't help cuz he only knew we would start talking again. Until this last time 3 months. Now he knows I'm serious and I can def see he has nothing but respect for me

[Svet74]

Oh and the whole texting happened a yr back so I know def by now he got over it cuz he stopped bringing it up

[dacookie]

Ok I just typed out a nice long detailed post and then was logged out of love shack so i clicked back and pasted something over my post...damn, 20-30min of work gone.

 

Well heres a way less detailed version of what I wrote but my questions are different.Just wanting general advice and wondering if I was manipulated or is that just me being paranoid?If you need more detail about my suspicions then please say so and I will provide examples.Thank you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/323450-starting-nc-do-you-think-there-chance-get-back-together-future#post3962552

[Hope4anangel]

He wasn't even mad that I was texting the guy he was just mad that I didn't tell him but hey I made a mistake. U learn from it And move on. It was a co worker my manager and I ended up quitting the job and yeah it was kinda flirty. When I quit I told my ex that I quit for him so we can fix our relationship and I became more like trying too hard. Being the best ever. So nice. But he only got mean. Even after nc that didn't help cuz he only knew we would start talking again. Until this last time 3 months. Now he knows I'm serious and I can def see he has nothing but respect for me

 

Hi Hope4anangel, could you please look at my thread and advise me? thank you.

 

Ok I just typed out a nice long detailed post and then was logged out of love shack so i clicked back and pasted something over my post...damn, 20-30min of work gone.

 

Well heres a way less detailed version of what I wrote but my questions are different.Just wanting general advice and wondering if I was manipulated or is that just me being paranoid?If you need more detail about my suspicions then please say so and I will provide examples.Thank you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/323450-starting-nc-do-you-think-there-chance-get-back-together-future#post3962552

 

Just leaving work guys but will have a look and reply tonight when I get home x

[Hope4anangel]

He wasn't even mad that I was texting the guy he was just mad that I didn't tell him but hey I made a mistake. U learn from it And move on. It was a co worker my manager and I ended up quitting the job and yeah it was kinda flirty. When I quit I told my ex that I quit for him so we can fix our relationship and I became more like trying too hard. Being the best ever. So nice. But he only got mean. Even after nc that didn't help cuz he only knew we would start talking again. Until this last time 3 months. Now he knows I'm serious and I can def see he has nothing but respect for me

 

I think it's great that you have turned the tables round so he now respects YOU. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect! I can't say I've never flirted with anyone whilst being in a relationship! Doesn't mean I love my partner any less, just it's nice to get attention I suppose.

 

It sounds like you are coping quite well and know what you want/need to do.

[Hope4anangel]

Ok I just typed out a nice long detailed post and then was logged out of love shack so i clicked back and pasted something over my post...damn, 20-30min of work gone.

 

Well heres a way less detailed version of what I wrote but my questions are different.Just wanting general advice and wondering if I was manipulated or is that just me being paranoid?If you need more detail about my suspicions then please say so and I will provide examples.Thank you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/323450-starting-nc-do-you-think-there-chance-get-back-together-future#post3962552

 

I have done this numerous times, wrote out huge replies and it logs me off

 

I think this girl sounds mega confused. I don't understand the whole 6 months with her child then 6 months without. Do her and her partner live far away from eachother?

 

To me it sounds like she possibly felt lonely and worthless when she didn't have her child with her. You made her better but maybe not to the full extent of what she was needing. What she needed was her child and no one can replace your own child.

 

I would keep NC in this situation, personally.

 

There is nothing wrong with sending her a birthday card in August, you aren't enemies are you? But what I wouldn't do is follow it up with an e-mail asking if she got it. The card may do some good, the e-mail right after may not. If she wants to thank you or talk to you, she will get in contact.

 

When it was my bf (then ex's) birthday, everyone told me not to bother sending him a card as he wasn't in my life any more. I went with my gut and sent him one. He got in contact the day he got it thanking me and saying it was just what he needed as he wanted to get in touch with me but thought I was moving/had moved on.

 

Not saying the above scenario will happen for you, but I don't think sending a card does any harm if it is for an important occasion. For example, don't send her a Happy Easter card!!

 

The thing you have to ask yourself is, can you deal with her split personality should she want to get back with you? Could you deal with her depression (sounds a little like this to me but I'm not doctor so we shall call it that for now) when she isn't with her child?

 

You are young and have many a thing to learn. By August, you may not even want to send her a card. I think you need more time to think about things. Stay NC, try and do things to keep you occupied and your mind off her and re-evaluate at a later date.

 

It's good you are dating other people and it seems very mature that you know that you shouldn't get into another relationship just now.

 

This new girl, you wouldn't want her to be your rebound like you thought you were your ex's rebound would you?

 

I don't know if you were a rebound, I don't know enough about her and her ex, but what I do think is she is very confused and her emotitions are all over the place.

[Svet74]

Hope angel I feel like I need to stop going to the same church he does. I miss him so much im crazy. And it kills me that he won't reach out. I can't even move on. Maybe he will reach out when he sees that I don't come anymore?

[Hope4anangel]

Hope angel I feel like I need to stop going to the same church he does. I miss him so much im crazy. And it kills me that he won't reach out. I can't even move on. Maybe he will reach out when he sees that I don't come anymore?

 

But is he not reaching out because he feels you don't want him to? I would go to church and smile at him like I said, see what he does. It seems you are maybe coming across that you don't care anymore already because you don't make eye contact with him and have not approached him. I am not saying approach him but I would at least show him that you still care and a simple smile can do that. If you do this often enough, the chances are, he will want to talk to you because he sees you are not against the idea.

 

Only you will know if it is right for you to get back together with him. If you feel you want to, do not make the jump of contacting him, it should be up to him to make the full effort, but put a little in there.

[Magpie_x]

i hope you can help me

 

Me an my ex broke up 6 months ago, but got back on talking terms 3 months ago, we started seeing eachother an things were perfect, he put so much effort in, but again we started arguing, we both have a great deal of stress going on in our lives, me personal and him more financial since i moved out of our flat 6 months ago.

 

The arguments spark when we can't deal with our stress and i'm always the one trying to point this out, he says i never change after all the chances he's given me.

 

The last argument we had was due to him not giving me any support when i needed some when a relative was rushed to hospital.

 

He admitted he still had feelings for me last week but that he couldn't commit, things can go well but then one of us argue

 

It tears me apart, we were together nearly 2 an a half years, it was the first time any of us had ever got a place together an so it was a huge first step.

 

When we met it was love at first site, an we've been through alot emotionally together an have always been eachothers rock an despite everything we will always help eachother when we need it.

 

He hasn't been involved with anyone or even considered dating etc, where as i have tried dating etc and i can't go through with it because ultimately he's the one i want. He is the love of my life, yet he is to proud to admit when he needs some help etc, an the blames always put on me, when he has half of this to blame on himself.

 

I've struggled alot coping with this an myself was rushed to hospital a few days ago, basically i've burned myself out, an have panic attacks just thinking about this.

 

I just can't move on, something deep down tells me to hang on and that he is worth it, there was a special bond between us an i feel stupid for the break up (he ended it) because nothing ever really happend, we just don't know how to deal with our stress.

 

i believe he is the one for me, and i'm desperate to have him stay in my life, nobody understands an tells me to move on and he's not worth it, when i know he's just going through a hard time, and deep down he's a good, loving person.

 

i've told him countless times i'm moving on an last week i got blamed for me being the one who said we need to move on, so i obviously hit a nerve.

 

despite everything we always end back together (not in a relationship) but this time he gives the impression we won't, but i can't let go, i just want him to realise that it is worth fighting for

 

i just can't let go an i don't want to

 

what do i do ? :'(

[Hope4anangel]

Hey hun,

 

It sounds like you don't know how to deal with eachother's stress and if you are both stressy persons, a relationship is not going to work. You BOTH need to realise your faults and work on them.

 

It is pointless going back into a relationship if things aren't going to change. I know you love him and you don't want to lose him but sometimes you have to let go to see if they come back.

 

He won't change unless he realises what he is missing. And even then, if you got back together, you guys should take this super slow. Maybe not spend all your time with eachother and just see eachother a couple of times a week for a while.

 

I really to think LC will be the best course of action for you. I'm not saying go NC but certainly don't reply immediately. Take a step back and give him some time to think about what he's done wrong in the relationship too.

 

It's a good sign that he isn't dating anyone or anything just yet as that gives me the impression that he isn't over you, like you aren't him.

 

I think space and LC is definitely the way to go for you. You guys need to work on yourselves before getting back into a relationship together.

[dacookie]

I have done this numerous times, wrote out huge replies and it logs me off

 

I think this girl sounds mega confused. I don't understand the whole 6 months with her child then 6 months without. Do her and her partner live far away from eachother?

 

To me it sounds like she possibly felt lonely and worthless when she didn't have her child with her. You made her better but maybe not to the full extent of what she was needing. What she needed was her child and no one can replace your own child.

 

I would keep NC in this situation, personally.

 

There is nothing wrong with sending her a birthday card in August, you aren't enemies are you? But what I wouldn't do is follow it up with an e-mail asking if she got it. The card may do some good, the e-mail right after may not. If she wants to thank you or talk to you, she will get in contact.

 

When it was my bf (then ex's) birthday, everyone told me not to bother sending him a card as he wasn't in my life any more. I went with my gut and sent him one. He got in contact the day he got it thanking me and saying it was just what he needed as he wanted to get in touch with me but thought I was moving/had moved on.

 

Not saying the above scenario will happen for you, but I don't think sending a card does any harm if it is for an important occasion. For example, don't send her a Happy Easter card!!

 

The thing you have to ask yourself is, can you deal with her split personality should she want to get back with you? Could you deal with her depression (sounds a little like this to me but I'm not doctor so we shall call it that for now) when she isn't with her child?

 

You are young and have many a thing to learn. By August, you may not even want to send her a card. I think you need more time to think about things. Stay NC, try and do things to keep you occupied and your mind off her and re-evaluate at a later date.

 

It's good you are dating other people and it seems very mature that you know that you shouldn't get into another relationship just now.

 

This new girl, you wouldn't want her to be your rebound like you thought you were your ex's rebound would you?

 

I don't know if you were a rebound, I don't know enough about her and her ex, but what I do think is she is very confused and her emotitions are all over the place.

 

Her ex lives in another state.She moved back to her old state(she was living with him) and then found out later she couldnt take her child with her.(What I dont get is its like over a year after and she only in January working on custody/getting a lawyer.I wonder if she didnt care at all about her child or what the situation was then.All sounded a bit weird, should have asked further when I had the chance.

 

I will keep in mind to not follow up with an email.Just gonna write happy birthday from 'name' thats it.

 

I dont know if I could handle it again, thats why I would want to handle things super slow.And yes I would call it depression, it means a lot when she told me her best friend said she should be on anti depressants.

[Hope4anangel]

Her ex lives in another state.She moved back to her old state(she was living with him) and then found out later she couldnt take her child with her.(What I dont get is its like over a year after and she only in January working on custody/getting a lawyer.I wonder if she didnt care at all about her child or what the situation was then.All sounded a bit weird, should have asked further when I had the chance.

 

I will keep in mind to not follow up with an email.Just gonna write happy birthday from 'name' thats it.

 

I dont know if I could handle it again, thats why I would want to handle things super slow.And yes I would call it depression, it means a lot when she told me her best friend said she should be on anti depressants.

 

To be honest, I don't really get the whole child thing either but there again I don't know the full story. There could be more to it.

 

I think it's great that you are doing things slowly. People tend to make the mistake of trying to get back together with someone too fast (if you even want to get back with her). Nothing changes over a couple of weeks, it takes time apart to realise what you want.

 

It does sound like she is very mixed up and if she has depression, this will definitely be contributing to her 'split' personalities.

 

I went through depression for quite some time and I was either amazingly hyper and happy or majorly down. I think people underestimate depression sometimes and think it is just a 'label'.

 

You sound a bit more relaxed and it's good that you are realising yourself how best to deal with this situation.

[Svet74]

I don't know to me that just sounds like a lame excuse. Oh I won't reach out to my ex because I don't think she wants me anymore or cares. If I was in his position and I wanted my ex bad enough. I would call and try. The only way to find out is by asking. And it's hard for me to make eye contact cuz he either sits in front of me or behind me. And as soon as church is over he leaves. So I don't even have a chance to be around him. Right now I feel like I need to stop going for a while. Because I feel like I'm making myself go crazy over nothing

[Hope4anangel]

I don't know to me that just sounds like a lame excuse. Oh I won't reach out to my ex because I don't think she wants me anymore or cares. If I was in his position and I wanted my ex bad enough. I would call and try. The only way to find out is by asking. And it's hard for me to make eye contact cuz he either sits in front of me or behind me. And as soon as church is over he leaves. So I don't even have a chance to be around him. Right now I feel like I need to stop going for a while. Because I feel like I'm making myself go crazy over nothing

 

Only you know what's best to do huni. I don't think it's maybe as simple as if he wants you, he'd make the effort to tell you because some men either don't want their egos bruised if you turn round and say no or think you aren't interested.