No contact after night in bed

[Pierre]

I don't usually say things like this but the more you say the more I think he has slept with someone else in the meantime and got his fix that way.

Yeah, OP could be another victim of the multi dating system.

[grkBoy]

Look everyone, in the end it shows this wasn't a good match. Even I would say this.

 

However, the question is asking why he cut contact. It's easy to just say he's a jerk or a pig or he was only out for sex, but I also wanted to share a bit the insecurity that goes through a man's mind. It's the same insecurity women face in the wonder of "does he/she like me?"

 

Parkthecar wanted to know why he cut contact, and I just decided to be honest. Nothing will change this in my opinion. If any female friend were to ask me, I'd say the same thing. I would not hold her hand and tell her he's a pig and you did nothing wrong. Likewise, if a guy went on four dates with a woman, pushed her away when she wanted sex, and now she's not taking his calls...I'd be honest and tell him he should have gone all the way.

 

The better advice is Parkthecar files this guy away into the past and moves on. I only want to make it clear to her and other women that guys too worry about the "does she like me or is she using me?" thing. Look on this board, similar boards, and many guy-centric relationship blogs.

 

I used to go out with women wondering in how many days or weeks would she flake out or go psycho on me.

 

Dating and relationships are a two-way street, and many men and women seem to only think about their own needs/wants and thus wonder why the other person runs away. I know if I were single and started dating a girl, I'd better be prepared to pay for the dates, be a gentleman, treat her like a lady, and go all the way when she's unbuttoning my clothing...not hold off unless I don't care if she leaves me or not.

[Parkthecar]

Look everyone, in the end it shows this wasn't a good match. Even I would say this.

 

However, the question is asking why he cut contact. It's easy to just say he's a jerk or a pig or he was only out for sex, but I also wanted to share a bit the insecurity that goes through a man's mind. It's the same insecurity women face in the wonder of "does he/she like me?"

 

Parkthecar wanted to know why he cut contact, and I just decided to be honest. Nothing will change this in my opinion. If any female friend were to ask me, I'd say the same thing. I would not hold her hand and tell her he's a pig and you did nothing wrong. Likewise, if a guy went on four dates with a woman, pushed her away when she wanted sex, and now she's not taking his calls...I'd be honest and tell him he should have gone all the way.

 

The better advice is Parkthecar files this guy away into the past and moves on. I only want to make it clear to her and other women that guys too worry about the "does she like me or is she using me?" thing. Look on this board, similar boards, and many guy-centric relationship blogs.

 

I used to go out with women wondering in how many days or weeks would she flake out or go psycho on me.

 

Dating and relationships are a two-way street, and many men and women seem to only think about their own needs/wants and thus wonder why the other person runs away. I know if I were single and started dating a girl, I'd better be prepared to pay for the dates, be a gentleman, treat her like a lady, and go all the way when she's unbuttoning my clothing...not hold off unless I don't care if she leaves me or not.

 

I take on board what you're saying, it is easy to paint all men as heartless dogs, when you do have to see both sides. But when women refuse to have sex, I think a lot of guys do understand that girls want an emotional connection.

 

And in this case, he did not seem upset when he left, he was still flirty. Additionally he cut all contact, no explanation or anything. That makes this situation a bit different.

 

I did think should I text him, but his behaviour was so odd (bailing on me Monday especially) that I thought his silence was answer enough.

[TheSingleGuy]

Well, if the guy is blowing you off because another girl slept with him, it does show that he was a guy who didn't want to just f*** you and dump you. He wanted a relationship, if that is, indeed, what happened here.

 

I think with most guys, if the other girl slept with him, he'd still pursue you until he at least had sex with you too. So maybe this guy doesn't deserve the label "jerk" or "d!ck" as much others are insinuating.

[Emilia]

Well, if the guy is blowing you off because another girl slept with him, it does show that he was a guy who didn't want to just f*** you and dump you. He wanted a relationship, if that is, indeed, what happened here.

 

I think with most guys, if the other girl slept with him, he'd still pursue you until he at least had sex with you too. So maybe this guy doesn't deserve the label "jerk" or "d!ck" as much others are insinuating.

 

Wouldn't you agree though that some people (mainly men though some women too) are only out dating to satisfy their libido so once that's done they are happy for a little while? Not everyone wants companionship

[Quiet Storm]

Honestly sometimes I think that girls use guys for "cuddling" just as much as some guys use girls for sex.

 

I agree. It comes down to basic human needs, and what needs are a priority for each person. In my experience, sex is usually a strong need in a relationship for men, while affection and romance is a strong need for women.

 

It goes back to the old saying: Men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love.

 

It's a simple generalization, and doesn't apply in many circumstances, but there is a lot of truth to it.

 

Women are not usually happy in a relationship if it is all sex and no affection, romance or cuddling. Just sex with no cuddling or other forms of physical affection make them feel used and interchangable. Cuddling and romantic expressions of love foster familiarity and trust, which helps her to let her guard down. When she feels loved, her desires are more easily expressed.

 

Men are not usually happy in a relationship without sex. In sexless marriages, the man often turns resentful and stops doing thoughtful things for the wife. He feels unappreciated and neglected. Knowing that sex will not happen, he avoids romance and affection because they remind him of the sex life he does not have. He may also withhold as punishment. On the other hand, regular sex creates a better overall mood in a man, and giving affection and romance are easy for him when he is satisfied, as well.

 

In new relationships, it can get confusing. Women often think that romance and attention mean that the man is willing to commit to her. She thinks, why would he be taking me places, buying me things and putting in all this effort, just for sex? Why would he talk to me on the phone for hours and cuddle with me, just for sex? Women often have this thought process because for us, sex is not usually a top priority, and some of us assume the same about men. Some men will fake the romance to get sex, but its not always that sinister. Men also get testosterone boosts when they meet a new sex prospect, and often they genuinely do feel romantic and cuddly- but it can be fleeting and often fades once the deed is done. For many men, they do feel affection in that moment and are not faking it, but it is a fleeting feeling that doesn't always last.

[Parkthecar]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. It's certainly helped me.

 

It was a mistake sharing a bed with him, but good that nothing more happened!

 

You can never step inside a person's mind, so I don't know why he did what he did. I can only conclude he thought he'd get lucky and when he didn't get it, just thought I wasn't worth his time.

 

I genuinely thought he was a decent guy, but I think this will be a learning experience.

 

And if he does text...I won't be replying!

 

Thank y'all!!

[Cypress25]

I hate having to reject a guy when he's sporting a boner. I would deem myself rude for doing so.

 

First of all, saying you're not ready for sex yet is not a rejection. Second of all, if you feel obligated to have sex with a guy as soon as he gets a boner, then you won't even be able to kiss a guy without feeling obligated to have sex with him. It doesn't take much to make the little soldier stand at attention.

 

And all this nonsense about leading the guy on is stupid. Just because you're sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean you have to have sex. In all of my relationships, sleepovers started in the early stages of dating, but sex didn't happen until much later. None of those guys thought I was leading them on. If we wanted to spend the whole weekend together, we slept together. If we wanted to make out until the wee hours of the morning, we slept together. I've never had a guy expect sex just because we were sleeping together. And I've certainly never had a guy expect sex after just 4 dates! How could anyone be ready for sex that soon? Having sex to prove that you're interested in the guy is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

[Imajerk17]

Grkboy I usually like your posts but I'm gonna disagree here.

 

OP if you want to wait for sex that is quite your perogative. I get our male insecurity but it's not your job to make up for whatever women the guy in question might have been involved with.

[oldshirt]

I think this is real simple actually. He was wanting a very sexual relationship and sexual chemistry was a high priority to him and you weren't providing that and from the way you describe it it sounds to me like you may have even been a little put off by the amount of sexualization that he was putting into it.

 

I think it's kinda crumby that he has just blown you off and not returned your calls etc but if someone is looking for something and it's apparent that you aren't a match then there's no reason to continue.

 

I kind of agree with Grkboy too in that depending on how you were declining his advances he may have just figured you weren't into him and it was pointless to go on.

 

He doesn't have to be bitter and upset or pissy about it and it may not be that big of an issue to him. He was looking for some high intensity attraction and chemistry and passion with you and it just wasn't going there.

 

He should have at least had the decency to tell you that he had other things going on and at least friendzoned you but at least this way you know it's not working out and you can move on instead of hanging on and having both of you barking up the wrong tree.

[Kamille]

First of all, saying you're not ready for sex yet is not a rejection. Second of all, if you feel obligated to have sex with a guy as soon as he gets a boner, then you won't even be able to kiss a guy without feeling obligated to have sex with him. It doesn't take much to make the little soldier stand at attention.

 

And all this nonsense about leading the guy on is stupid. Just because you're sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean you have to have sex. In all of my relationships, sleepovers started in the early stages of dating, but sex didn't happen until much later. None of those guys thought I was leading them on. If we wanted to spend the whole weekend together, we slept together. If we wanted to make out until the wee hours of the morning, we slept together. I've never had a guy expect sex just because we were sleeping together. And I've certainly never had a guy expect sex after just 4 dates! How could anyone be ready for sex that soon? Having sex to prove that you're interested in the guy is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

 

Were you sleeping in their bed on the 4th date?

 

I've done it. All I remember is how exhausting it is to have to turn down someone. And turn them down. And turn them down. It only ends up being two people dealing with exhaustion sexual frustration. I find it much classier to with-hold the sleepovers until one can fully indulge.

 

And I also said having sex to prove interest in a guy is ridiculous. And of course, the boner comment was an attempt at provocation and humor .

[oldshirt]

It's a give and take. But it's not fair to expect women to jump into bed with you just to prove her attraction.

 

 

noone said anything about women "jumping into bed" to prove attraction but Thatone is right, if guys allow themselves to be cuddle-bunnys and allow women to use them for companionship and attention and validation and there isn't any real sexual attraction there then they are going to waste a lot of time barking up wrong trees and burning up time they could be spending with women that are attracted to them.

 

I would never expect anyone to "jump into bed" with me if they weren't ready for that but I would need to see some definate signs of chemistry and attraction for things to continue.

 

If someone were to just keep brushing me off and saying no anytime I tried to show some seduction and some sexuality and not give me any explaination or any guidelines on their interest level I would have to assume that they weren't into me.

 

People have to have boundries and comfort zones but noone wants to waste their time with someone who simply isn't into them. Communication is key and if someone is truly attracted to someone and wants to continue seeing them but they have certain boundries and certain timelines and criteria that need to be met before there can be any sexuality, those things need to be communicated so everyone knows where they stand with each other.

[thatone]

It's a give and take. But it's not fair to expect women to jump into bed with you just to prove her attraction.

 

no more or less fair than the flip side of that argument.

[LittlePrince]

Well thought I'd get some dating advice.

 

I was seeing a guy for s few weeks. The first 2 dates were brilliant, he was polite, well mannered and we chatted for ages.

 

On the third date, we had a bit to drink and shared a passionate kiss. By the fourth date he was getting pretty full on and we shared a night in bed, no sex, just a lot of kissing and touching (2nd base I'd say). He wanted sex, but I said no. In the morning I asked whether we could meet again, he said Monday would be good and was still very flirty telling me to have a shower with him.

 

However after that I got no texts, usually he would text every day but this time it was nothing. I texted him on the Friday wishing him luck for a job interview, we had 4-5 friendly texts. But then I heard nothing.

 

Monday came and went and I heard nothing. I discovered on his twitter account that he was out at a coffee house on Monday, when he was meant to have met me.

 

It's now been 8 days.

 

I think it's just a case of him not being that into me. But I feel slightly used and a bit of an idiot. I'm glad we did not have sex, but feel like he thinks I'm not worth pursuing.

 

Any advice?

You denied his advances so he moved on. Did you expect him to keep hitting his head against the same wall until he gushed gray matter? The only reason you are interested in him now is he denied you. If he had kept pursuing you then you would have lost interest.

 

Maybe it is time you learn the golden rule. If you like a guy and want to keep him around then don't say no. As soon as you say no he'll be gone but if he stays he won't be the kind of guy you will want anyway.

[Cypress25]

Were you sleeping in their bed on the 4th date?

 

I don't know, I wasn't counting dates. Sometimes he was sleeping in my bed.

 

I've done it. All I remember is how exhausting it is to have to turn down someone. And turn them down. And turn them down. It only ends up being two people dealing with exhaustion sexual frustration. I find it much classier to with-hold the sleepovers until one can fully indulge.

 

It's easy to avoid that. Simply tell him from the beginning that you're not the type to rush into sex but you do like him and you hope he won't mind taking it slow. That way, he's not constantly hounding you for sex and he knows you'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'm sure hand jobs would be appreciated.

 

Communication is key and if someone is truly attracted to someone and wants to continue seeing them but they have certain boundries and certain timelines and criteria that need to be met before there can be any sexuality, those things need to be communicated so everyone knows where they stand with each other.

 

Well, duh. Isn't that a given? It takes me awhile to feel ready for sex with a new guy, but I always make my feelings clear. Just because there's no sex doesn't mean there's no passion. Believe me, the guy never has to wonder if I'm attracted to him. Between all the kissing, half-naked make-out sessions, and not being able to keep my hands off him in general, I make it pretty obvious that I'm attracted to him. No sex doesn't mean no nothing.

[kaylan]

You should have either had sex with him or not spent the night at his house. Why would you go to bed with him if you had no intention on having sex?? Most guys are not interested in just kissing and cuddling with a girl on the 4th date. Honestly sometimes I think that girls use guys for "cuddling" just as much as some guys use girls for sex. Willingly spending the night in his bed, only to then reject him for sex, is weird to me. Total mixed signals. You got what you wanted but were unwilling to give him what he wanted. It's not unlike a guy who gets what he wants (sex) and then refuses to give the girl what she wants (emotional connection/commitment).

This ad infinitum. I so agree with this, as well as with grkboy and a couple of other bros here.

 

Look, some of you gals need to stop looking at this from a female perspective and put yourself in the guys shoes. If some girl has me in her bed and rejects any sexual contact and were already on the 4th date, itd leave me mighty confused and expecting her to eventually tell me "theres no spark". And not to toot my own horn, but all but one girl Ive been with in bed, from the the goodie girls to the trouble girls, has let things progress sexually (doesnt necessarily mean all the way though). I mean I figure most people bring people to bed for that reason.

 

If I end up in bed with a chick, then its obviously going to send me the signal that she wants things to move forward. If she pumps the breaks then Im gonna assume theres not a connection, which Ive had happen with one girl. Wed make out, sleep in bed together, and things never progressed. It was rather annoying and at the end of the day she was just using me till a guy she really wanted came along. And actually the only time we ever got reaaaallly close to sex was when she was jealous that I was getting action elsewhere and I thought better of it to sleep with her.

 

So yeah, if I was OPs dude, Id assume she wasnt feeling it. And Im also not good with rejecting someone so I wouldnt know how to tell her we should be friends unless she brought it up.

 

Realize the whole problem was bringing a dude to your bed with no intention of anything sexual. It sends really mixed up signals and Im sure many guys here have experienced something similar only to be told the chick wasnt feeling it. So some guys think "well if she isnt feeling a spark in bed with me, its obviously not going to happen". Now if you never let me stay in your bed to begin with, this all would have went a different way and I just would have gone about dating you to see where things went.

 

So its not about me wanting sex and you not putting out. Its about you seemingly not having much of an interest in me. People read the forums here and see threads from chicks trying to give a guy a chance and see if attraction will come. Hell some of them make it to bed and cuddle. Guys dont want to go through all that only to be rejected

 

Thats how I see it.

Edited May 17, 2012 by kaylan

[Cypress25]

If some girl has me in her bed and rejects any sexual contact and were already on the 4th date, itd leave me mighty confused and expecting her to eventually tell me "theres no spark".

 

The OP never said she rejected any sexual contact. In fact, she said "we shared a night in bed, no sex, just a lot of kissing and touching (2nd base I'd say)." Sounds like there was plenty of sexual contact and things were progressing at a decent pace. If the guy had any patience, he probably could have been having sex with her within a few weeks.

 

Realize the whole problem was bringing a dude to your bed with no intention of anything sexual.

 

No intention of anything sexual? See above. It's not like they got into bed and played checkers. They did sexual stuff in bed; the guy had no reason to be confused.

[kaylan]

2nd base is hardly sexual(imo since its not involving much) nor any indicator of whats to come in the future. Ive made out and touched a number of girls breasts that I never did anything more with.

 

Anyways its not unreasonable for a man or woman to feel someone isnt that into them if they sleep in the same bed with them but dont let thing move past second base.

[LittlePrince]

Maybe if you were an infant touching a woman's breast then it would hardly be sexual.

[kaylan]

Whatever you say troll.

 

I guess a little boob grabbing means a lot to you huh? Meh, kissing and chest grabbing dont say much about where a situation will lead. Anyone will tell you that.

[LittlePrince]

If kissing and fondling meant nothing then we wouldn't bother doing them.

[Cypress25]

2nd base is hardly sexual(imo since its not involving much) nor any indicator of whats to come in the future. Ive made out and touched a number of girls breasts that I never did anything more with.

 

Oh, I see. So anything less than intercourse doesn't count? How can you say that kissing and body caressing is not sexual? I can't imagine how you ever get to home base without rounding the other 3 bases first.

 

If you need a guarantee that the girl will have sex with you in the future, you're going to be disappointed. In the early stages of dating, there are no guarantees. You're supposed to let it progress naturally at a comfortable pace. The 4th date is too early to start making promises. She can't promise she'll have sex with you, just like you can't promise you'll commit to her. You need to learn to take it one step at a time.

 

Anyways its not unreasonable for a man or woman to feel someone isnt that into them if they sleep in the same bed with them but dont let thing move past second base.

 

Actually, that is unreasonable. It's only the 4th date, that's too early to go past 2nd base. People are allowed to have boundaries, and that boundary is a perfectly reasonable one. If the woman wasn't that into you, she wouldn't be making out with you in the first place, and she certainly wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with you. Those are signs that she's interested in you. And I think you know that. You just want to convince women that having sex is the only way to convey interest to a man; anything less than sex will leave the guy feeling rejected and confused. Come on, now. You're smarter than that, aren't you?

[Pierre]

First of all, saying you're not ready for sex yet is not a rejection. Second of all, if you feel obligated to have sex with a guy as soon as he gets a boner, then you won't even be able to kiss a guy without feeling obligated to have sex with him. It doesn't take much to make the little soldier stand at attention.

 

And all this nonsense about leading the guy on is stupid. Just because you're sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean you have to have sex. In all of my relationships, sleepovers started in the early stages of dating, but sex didn't happen until much later. None of those guys thought I was leading them on. If we wanted to spend the whole weekend together, we slept together. If we wanted to make out until the wee hours of the morning, we slept together. I've never had a guy expect sex just because we were sleeping together. And I've certainly never had a guy expect sex after just 4 dates! How could anyone be ready for sex that soon? Having sex to prove that you're interested in the guy is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

 

This is a very good post and perhaps you have a different social circle where men are respectful and not one track minded. However, in other strata men pressure women into sex right away. That is why we have teen pregnancies. Most of those girls are pressure into sex.

[LittlePrince]

This is a very good post and perhaps you have a different social circle where men are respectful and not one track minded. However, in other strata men pressure women into sex right away. That is why we have teen pregnancies. Most of those girls are pressure into sex.

You can't be pressured into something you already want.

[Pierre]

 

Maybe it is time you learn the golden rule. If you like a guy and want to keep him around then don't say no. As soon as you say no he'll be gone but if he stays he won't be the kind of guy you will want anyway.

 

women take it real slow when they are seeing a man with potential. Delaying sex screens out the losers. Delaying sex also makes the female a better catch to many men.