No contact after night in bed

May 16, 2012

Well thought I'd get some dating advice.

I was seeing a guy for s few weeks. The first 2 dates were brilliant, he was polite, well mannered and we chatted for ages.

On the third date, we had a bit to drink and shared a passionate kiss. By the fourth date he was getting pretty full on and we shared a night in bed, no sex, just a lot of kissing and touching (2nd base I'd say). He wanted sex, but I said no. In the morning I asked whether we could meet again, he said Monday would be good and was still very flirty telling me to have a shower with him.

However after that I got no texts, usually he would text every day but this time it was nothing. I texted him on the Friday wishing him luck for a job interview, we had 4-5 friendly texts. But then I heard nothing.

Monday came and went and I heard nothing. I discovered on his twitter account that he was out at a coffee house on Monday, when he was meant to have met me.

It's now been 8 days.

I think it's just a case of him not being that into me. But I feel slightly used and a bit of an idiot. I'm glad we did not have sex, but feel like he thinks I'm not worth pursuing.

Any advice?

Edited May 16, 2012 by Parkthecar
Missed out info

May 16, 2012

He is incredibly rude and not worth your time. I know you feel bad but his being a dick is not a reflection on you. Some people were raised in a barn unfortunately.

May 16, 2012

Rude and not worth your time... Agreed.

That said: I have a rule: I don't spend a night in someone's bed unless I intend a wild passionate night of love making. I hate having to reject a guy when he's sporting a boner. I would deem myself rude for doing so.

May 16, 2012

^^ These two gorgeous ladies above said it best, OP.

Just back off. You have nothing to expect from a cold heartless rude a-hole.

May 16, 2012

Now you know what he was after.

Just because a man can give you a great time, doesn't mean he was into you, he could have been playing you and just trying to bed you...It's an act.

May 16, 2012

I think he's probably thinking you're leading him on, or you're sitting there unsure if you want him or not...or he's set his own time limit and you passed it. Now he thinks you're too much trouble to pursue.

Sorry to be blunt...but I think you should have gone all the way if you wanted to keep him. Like you women, we men also need to see you want us and want to be with us. I know from my viewpoint I'd be wondering if I'm just a warm body for her to hold on to while she thinks about some ex she really wants.

I don't believe in the idea of "I paid for the date, I should get some." However, when I start dating a woman, I look deeper into everything she does and how she might push me away. I've had women make out with me on the first date, cuddle in bed with me on the third date (no sex), but then tell me two weeks later how she's not feeling a spark (which coincides with when her ex calls her).

You women complain about guys who lead you on and talk about how you don't want to waste time with a guy that's not going to want commitment, love, emotions, etc. We men are the same. We're not going to waste time with women who are going to push us away or keep us at a distance after four dates.

We'll especially wonder if she wants us, or is just "killing time" with us until a "bigger better deal" comes along.

May 16, 2012

Sorry to be blunt...but I think you should have gone all the way if you wanted to keep him. Like you women, we men also need to see you want us and want to be with us. I know from my viewpoint I'd be wondering if I'm just a warm body for her to hold on to while she thinks about some ex she really wants.

Funny because I feel like we mostly agree, and yet your post leaves me feeling uneasy.

There's no such thing as going all the way to keep a man. Sex should be had because one wants it (and preferably, wants it bad), not as part of a strategy to convince someone else to invest. That has backfired for almost anyone who's tried it.

But the same holds true in reverse. If a guy is into you, having sex early (because you really feel like it) isn't likely to damper his interest.

My point is, the best reason to have sex is: "Because you want to". Not to keep a man.

The best reason to wait on sex is : "Because you didn't want to (yet)." Not to test a man. And in the latter is where grkboy and I agree. If you're not ready to have sex with him, don't put yourself in the position of having to actively reject him (by, say, sleeping in his bed). That creates unneccessary ambiguity.

May 16, 2012

Sorry to be blunt...but I think you should have gone all the way if you wanted to keep him. Like you women, we men also need to see you want us and want to be with us. I know from my viewpoint I'd be wondering if I'm just a warm body for her to hold on to while she thinks about some ex she really wants.

I'm sorry, but this is complete and utter crap. If you can't be secure and real enough to wait more than 4 dates for sex because you need to feel "wanted", then there are other things at work there. Things that any girl dating you has no responsibility to prove to you.

May 16, 2012

Grkboy said it better than I could have. I'd be reading "She's not that into me" too.

May 16, 2012

I think he's probably thinking you're leading him on, or you're sitting there unsure if you want him or not...or he's set his own time limit and you passed it. Now he thinks you're too much trouble to pursue.

Sorry to be blunt...but I think you should have gone all the way if you wanted to keep him. Like you women, we men also need to see you want us and want to be with us. I know from my viewpoint I'd be wondering if I'm just a warm body for her to hold on to while she thinks about some ex she really wants.

I don't believe in the idea of "I paid for the date, I should get some." However, when I start dating a woman, I look deeper into everything she does and how she might push me away. I've had women make out with me on the first date, cuddle in bed with me on the third date (no sex), but then tell me two weeks later how she's not feeling a spark (which coincides with when her ex calls her).

You women complain about guys who lead you on and talk about how you don't want to waste time with a guy that's not going to want commitment, love, emotions, etc. We men are the same. We're not going to waste time with women who are going to push us away or keep us at a distance after four dates.

We'll especially wonder if she wants us, or is just "killing time" with us until a "bigger better deal" comes along.

I'm sorry grkboy, but I got to disagree with you here. If I slept with every guy that wanted me to, before he made any kind of solid commitment to me, I would have gotten used by a lot of guys. Even on date 4. Which is another topic because I frankly don't get the whole, "must sleep with person by this date" when each relationship should be different. It is not a woman's job to do something so intimate so quickly just so a man will commit to her or pursue her. On date 4 a man is hardly declaring his commitment and in return, a woman is not entitled to be overly intimate with him if she isn't htere yet. You certainly wouldn't declare commitment on a first date just because a woman said "yes" to go out with you. Expecting a woman to prove herself through her sexuality for you to take her seriously is backwards and doesn't look out for even her best interest, just your own.

OP, I'm glad you didn't sleep with him either. I know this advice sounds grandmotherly but it comes from my own experience as well. Men that truly want to be with you, will hang around to get to know you and won't feel the need to rush sex. They might want sex. They probably won't say no to sex because there is a still a huge double standard today in dating with men and sex. But men that truly want to get to know you, will be patient until you are ready. And keep this in mind, men are not automatically committing to one person anymore. They could be seeing, and sleeping, with multiple women while still seeing you. Wait for a man to prove his interest instead of trying to snare his interest with sex. That never works anyway. I wish more women would wait on the sex and there would be a lot less heartbreak about women being with men that just wanted to sleep with them. You made the right choice.

May 16, 2012

Well thought I'd get some dating advice.

I was seeing a guy for s few weeks. The first 2 dates were brilliant, he was polite, well mannered and we chatted for ages.

On the third date, we had a bit to drink and shared a passionate kiss. By the fourth date he was getting pretty full on and we shared a night in bed, no sex, just a lot of kissing and touching (2nd base I'd say). He wanted sex, but I said no. In the morning I asked whether we could meet again, he said Monday would be good and was still very flirty telling me to have a shower with him.

However after that I got no texts, usually he would text every day but this time it was nothing. I texted him on the Friday wishing him luck for a job interview, we had 4-5 friendly texts. But then I heard nothing.

Monday came and went and I heard nothing. I discovered on his twitter account that he was out at a coffee house on Monday, when he was meant to have met me.

It's now been 8 days.

I think it's just a case of him not being that into me. But I feel slightly used and a bit of an idiot. I'm glad we did not have sex, but feel like he thinks I'm not worth pursuing.

Any advice?

First of all congratulations for not having intercourse with this loser.

However, you made an error in sleeping with him.

I suggest you only sleep with men when you are in a committed relationship and feel safe and secure. IN any event you screened out a loser that was after sex. He is now punishing you for not giving him sex. He is a selfish bastard.

May 16, 2012

This is what I think was going on, and maybe this is just how the male mind works: You didn't sleep with him because there's another guy in the picture. You wanted to maintain your freedom to still see this other guy, so you witheld sex. Now that the guy you're posting about has ended his pursuit, he's the one you find yourself thinking about. The other guy, who is fine just dating you without sex has now become less attractive.

Am I right?

May 16, 2012

I wouldn't of ghosted myself because I can alpreceate a woman who wants to take it slow and get to know me but unless you communicated to him you don't have sex until in a relationship BEFORE he was over he would of ghosted before that and you wouldn't feel as bad.

May 16, 2012

This is what I think was going on, and maybe this is just how the male mind works: You didn't sleep with him because there's another guy in the picture. You wanted to maintain your freedom to still see this other guy, so you witheld sex. Now that the guy you're posting about has ended his pursuit, he's the one you find yourself thinking about. The other guy, who is fine just dating you without sex has now become less attractive.

Am I right?

You assume women approach sex the same way you do: as though all that matters is getting some from the best source possible.

Yet, let me guess, a few post from now you'll be touting bs about the fact that the way to get women is to appeal to their emotional side.

See the contradiction?

May 16, 2012

This is what I think was going on, and maybe this is just how the male mind works: You didn't sleep with him because there's another guy in the picture. You wanted to maintain your freedom to still see this other guy, so you witheld sex. Now that the guy you're posting about has ended his pursuit, he's the one you find yourself thinking about. The other guy, who is fine just dating you without sex has now become less attractive.

Am I right?

No not at all. There was no one else on the scene. I actually really liked the guy.

I didn't have sex with him because I did not want to at this stage. Additionally he had no protection either but suggested many many things we could do, which again I thought was too early on.

May 16, 2012

I think he's probably thinking you're leading him on, or you're sitting there unsure if you want him or not...or he's set his own time limit and you passed it. Now he thinks you're too much trouble to pursue.

Sorry to be blunt...but I think you should have gone all the way if you wanted to keep him. Like you women, we men also need to see you want us and want to be with us. I know from my viewpoint I'd be wondering if I'm just a warm body for her to hold on to while she thinks about some ex she really wants.

I don't believe in the idea of "I paid for the date, I should get some." However, when I start dating a woman, I look deeper into everything she does and how she might push me away. I've had women make out with me on the first date, cuddle in bed with me on the third date (no sex), but then tell me two weeks later how she's not feeling a spark (which coincides with when her ex calls her).

You women complain about guys who lead you on and talk about how you don't want to waste time with a guy that's not going to want commitment, love, emotions, etc. We men are the same. We're not going to waste time with women who are going to push us away or keep us at a distance after four dates.

We'll especially wonder if she wants us, or is just "killing time" with us until a "bigger better deal" comes along.

You would be right if it had been more than 4 dates. Any other guy would have thought sex would be in the bag on date 5 or 6 and would have persisted. Pierre is right, he is punishing her for not putting out. He is a cold hearted bastard.

May 16, 2012

I'm sorry grkboy, but I got to disagree with you here. If I slept with every guy that wanted me to, before he made any kind of solid commitment to me, I would have gotten used by a lot of guys. Even on date 4. Which is another topic because I frankly don't get the whole, "must sleep with person by this date" when each relationship should be different. It is not a woman's job to do something so intimate so quickly just so a man will commit to her or pursue her. On date 4 a man is hardly declaring his commitment and in return, a woman is not entitled to be overly intimate with him if she isn't htere yet. You certainly wouldn't declare commitment on a first date just because a woman said "yes" to go out with you. Expecting a woman to prove herself through her sexuality for you to take her seriously is backwards and doesn't look out for even her best interest, just your own.

and if a man makes a habit of committing to every woman who will date him but not have sex with him he'll be used by a lot of women.

May 16, 2012

You should have either had sex with him or not spent the night at his house. Why would you go to bed with him if you had no intention on having sex?? Most guys are not interested in just kissing and cuddling with a girl on the 4th date. Honestly sometimes I think that girls use guys for "cuddling" just as much as some guys use girls for sex. Willingly spending the night in his bed, only to then reject him for sex, is weird to me. Total mixed signals. You got what you wanted but were unwilling to give him what he wanted. It's not unlike a guy who gets what he wants (sex) and then refuses to give the girl what she wants (emotional connection/commitment).

May 16, 2012

and if a man makes a habit of committing to every woman who will date him but not have sex with him he'll be used by a lot of women.

It's a give and take. But it's not fair to expect women to jump into bed with you just to prove her attraction.

May 16, 2012

First of all congratulations for not having intercourse with this loser.

However, you made an error in sleeping with him.

I suggest you only sleep with men when you are in a committed relationship and feel safe and secure. IN any event you screened out a loser that was after sex. He is now punishing you for not giving him sex. He is a selfish bastard.

Thanks Pierre, for the straigtforward advice. Just one thing which I should add, don't know whether this changes things.

When I texted him after our fourth date, he texted me to tell me he was drunk and dancing at a friends' wedding, I joked "I've yet to see you dance....well as long as you don't try it on with the bridesmaids I'll be fine". That was our last communication.

Do you think that text was too clingy/OTT? Or am I just making excuses for him??

May 16, 2012

Thanks Pierre, for the straigtforward advice. Just one thing which I should add, don't know whether this changes things.

When I texted him after our fourth date, he texted me to tell me he was drunk and dancing at a friends' wedding, I joked "I've yet to see you dance....well as long as you don't try it on with the bridesmaids I'll be fine". That was our last communication.

Do you think that text was too clingy/OTT? Or am I just making excuses for him??

The problem I see everywhere in the forum is that women get too physical before there is significant emotional intimacy. I am glad you did not have sex, but you slept with someone you do not know that well. At least you had no idea about how he would behave.

Yes, you sound a bit clingy. However, playful clingy behavior among folks that are deeply connected is not a big deal. But, you do not have a deep emotional connection with this guy.

May 16, 2012

You should have either had sex with him or not spent the night at his house. Why would you go to bed with him if you had no intention on having sex?? Most guys are not interested in just kissing and cuddling with a girl on the 4th date. Honestly sometimes I think that girls use guys for "cuddling" just as much as some guys use girls for sex. Willingly spending the night in his bed, only to then reject him for sex, is weird to me. Total mixed signals. You got what you wanted but were unwilling to give him what he wanted. It's not unlike a guy who gets what he wants (sex) and then refuses to give the girl what she wants (emotional connection/commitment).

This was at my flat. He said he'd be happy just to kiss and make out up in my flat, (he had no protection) but literally was trying to undress me at every opportunity. Then he asked whether he could spend the night alongside me. I agreed. And he, like a heat seeking missile, jumped into my bed. He was very full on in bed, but we did not go all the way, soley because I refused.

As I said in the morning he was not angry or disappointed. He was still very flirty.

This is why his disappearing act has been strange, because he did not seem upset when he left.

May 16, 2012

When I texted him after our fourth date, he texted me to tell me he was drunk and dancing at a friends' wedding, I joked "I've yet to see you dance....well as long as you don't try it on with the bridesmaids I'll be fine". That was our last communication.

Do you think that text was too clingy/OTT?

Depends on the guy. Some would find it sweet and evidence that they matter to you, others would think it's too assuming considering you haven't had sex and would be annoyed by it. This guy is the latter type. Maybe he hooked up with one of the bridesmaids

May 16, 2012

This is why his disappearing act has been strange, because he did not seem upset when he left.

I don't usually say things like this but the more you say the more I think he has slept with someone else in the meantime and got his fix that way.

May 16, 2012

I don't usually say things like this but the more you say the more I think he has slept with someone else in the meantime and got his fix that way.

This has crossed my mind. It makes no sense. And he was out at a wedding, so would have had the opportunity (maybe my text pushed him over the edge!!!).

It's just weird. The whole disappearing thing....

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