NC -- It's not all about YOU

[Kate]

ok i say this because i have been on here so much lately. the brief run-down is that my guy was a friend, had a thing for me for a few years, then we got together right after his 4 year relationship. it started out as a friendship w/benefits, then the feelings of butterfies and love followed - we just went with the flow.

 

we started fighting...and the bottom line was this : my guy/ex was simply NOT ready for something new. of course at the time, and still, i didn't see it that way. i resented him for everything, esp. having a crush on me for so long then treating me badly. he just put in ZERO effort. so we started fighting, well I started fighting with him. it ruined things between us and we broke up twice now. the last time was awful and i still didn't get the whole picture.

 

yesterday was 9 days w/no contact from MY end. since i couldn't deal w/my feelings, i sent him an email saying DON'T contact me. i thought this would make him come running. it didn't. because i didn't listen hard enough to what he was saying...he was not playing some stupid game. he is a sincere, STRONg individual and doesn't take any relatinship lightly. he simply was NOT ready for us and i could not accept that. all day yesterday was horrible for me. i finally left him a message about something that was actually important. but my stomach was still in knots...so i texted him last night to meet for coffee. he said sure. we talked and things seemed GREAT because we had overcome any feelings of animosity, etc. but the fact STILL remained, and i can now start to see things for what they are. these are the things he told me:

 

1) he always wanted me from day 1.

2) he felt like he ran a long marathon after his first relaitonship...and then he saw another awesome marathon (me) and ran that too, but had no steam. so things soured right off the bat.

3) we went backwards w/our relationship that we didn't plan for -- physical THEN emotional. now that's not always important, but for us it was.

4) he didn't even see things as a relationship until our emotions started in. he was afraid to give up something he had wanted for so long, but went with it any way.

 

i have taken everything so personally here, i can't even tell you. i now realize that i am insecure and weak, and instead of listening to the boy and acutally believing in myself that he MAY really want me but can't right now, i took everything as an insult and was angry with him. he looked me in the eyes last night and told me he loves me, but just needs to be alone right now. i asked him if he wanted to date anyone else and was this just an excuse -- he said "NO -- that would be a rediculous excuse" -- and i firmly believe him.

 

i think some people just have different limits than others. though this is hard, what i'm going to take from it right now is to learn how to be happy alone, first. also, to give others a break. this must be hard for him -- he said it's so frustrating and he feels horrible inside.

 

as far as NC is concerned, i will simply let him contact me but not ignore his calls. he said he really wants to work on our friendship only right now. this tells me that maybe he is more serious about this relatinoship than even i am -- i was looking for instant gratification...and he sees a longer road. he said i am someone he would be with for a "long, long time...i don't want to talk about marriage, but a loooong time"....i get it.

 

so yes i will not call him.. i sent him a text this morning saying "tx for yesterday. i understand you so much". when people feel understood they are at ease.

 

i think the trick here is this -- whatever higher power out there exists, it is forcing you to be happy on your own accord first...timing is everyting...i can bet that all of you out there going through this, that if you finally come full circle independently, you will have everything you want. i need to stop filling my head with negativity -- cause acutally, it's selfish as hell. the guy i really want needs something -- if i get screwed over, i'll know he was worth it cause he was as honest as possible. also, this will allow me to think, gees...is he really the best? he's obviously thinking a great deal SERIOUSLY enough about me. not just instant gratification, but real, true thinking. i like that he is so true to himself.

 

on another note, i know for a fact he would never cheat because i was with him often in his last relationship. he takes realtionships VERY seriously and won't do it if he CAN'T....so if i ask "well if you really want something, you'll do it no matter what you feel or where you are in life..." i can answer "yes, you can, and he ALREADY DID THAT WITH ME THIS TIME AROUND -- and look what happened -- he wasn't ready!!" try and answer your questions.

 

believe in what your ex is telling you assuming they are not a game player. believe in them and don't be so insecure and selfish. i'm trying myself....

[Zoey]

I know you must be hurting, but it sounds as though you taking a very good approach to this break.

If he isn't ready to give his all in the relationship, then the relaitonship will only be so-so. If you force something here when he isn't ready, invariably you will end up with ****ty circumstances and a lot of pain because he will never be able to give you everything you want. I think it is wise to lie low and let him recover from his first relationship and re-establish who he is as an individual (rather than as a part of a couple). I think that he will soon grow stronger, happier, and will in turn be a much more stable person. Only then will you be able to have a relationship with him that makes both of you happy. Right now, loving him means giving him time to himself, to heal old wounds and reconnect with his ideals.

 

I wish you the best of luck. And I hope everything works itself out!

[Kate]

wow, thanks a lot. i have been going crazy crazy, and i realize it has all been self-inflicted. i hope that other people who are going through the NC period read this thread here, because up until late last night, since our breakup, i have thought it is all about ME -- my faults, my hurt, my pain, etc.

 

i think once you really evaluate the situation, and realize you really did nothing wrong, that maybe just maybe it's NOT about you...(some NC situations are though...)that you can start to heal yourself.

 

NC is important for different reasons. i think i was trying to prove something that didn't need to be proved with my NC thing. i was hoping that he would be in pain by my absence. only i was in pain -- because since he's not playing a game, i can't win! if your ex is honest and it's really about THEM...not the two of you...listen up. if you can't beat them, join them -- in understanding and compassion to how they feel. you may be suprised.

 

i am trying now to not let my mind wander. i know he is a good person. i know the facts. i asked him specific questions and got specific answers. i think the hardest thing about NC is that we think it's all a big game...sometimes it is, but we must know when NOT to play, cause we only hurt ourselves as i was doing.

 

i'm so glad i got to the bottom of it yesterday. he said he hoped things would eventually fall back into place. and although it was a bad timing factor for him, i need to grow up too -- like stop taking things to heart, stop always hurting, look at the facts instead of the voids left by childhood pain/issues. that's my problem. like my mom -- it's ALWAYS about her...wouldn't matter if you were in bed dying and bleeding...she would find a way to make it her pain, her problem...MEMEME stuff doesn't work for anyone.

 

i can only speak for myself here, but i suspect there are a lot of other "victims" on the breakup threads who don't need to actually be victims. remember, this is not about YOu or what YOu did wrong...it's about a place in life the other person is at sometimes. i feel so much better after talking to my ex. i see how much he loves me. it's all timing.

 

i'll keep you all posted. ...later today probably!

[Kate]

also zoey, what you said is right about laying low, letting him get himself back NOt as a couple -- so important, something i didn't think about enough.

 

he said he didn't know how long it would take for him to be ready again, and i know it could take months...which sucks...but i think at the same time, he's a guy -- they only think in the present!! which gives me hope, cause if i just freaking leave him ALONE, it could just take a few weeks at best...what do you think?? any advice or similar experiences out there??

[unreal]

Kate:

 

I know you are being optimistic with this thread and that is good. But please realize, do not set yourself up for another hurtful letdown. We've all been there where you get that moment or glimmer of hope and find yourself hanging on everything the ex-partner wants or says. You often may not realize it is happening but you find yourself becoming a puppet for everything the ex-partner says and how they want things to be without even considering your own feelings, wants and needs. And it is nothing against you or any of the rest of us. It just means that we love them soo much that we are willing to do whatever it takes to get them back and have things the way they used to be. I remember reading a thread last week from a poor guy that was dumped and wanted his girl back, yet he put a copy of a letter in his post that he was about to give her. It said something along the lines of, "I know WE are not ready for us right now at this moment in time.". And I asked him, why he said "We are not ready" because that wasn't the truth. He wanted her back, but got caught up in saying what he thought she wanted to hear to get her back anyway he could. It is a tough and hard road. But as hurt as I feel right now, the best thing I got from this thread soo far is that we need to take care of ourselves first and our self pride. They left us, why should we be showing sympathy towards them? That is the question. We are the people trying to work on things and still loving them and trying to keep the relationship together. Just think of that whenever things get hard for you and you want them back.

[dreamguy]

Kate,

 

I'll give you my opinion at the risk of hurting you and/or alienating you against me (although this is certainely not my intention). After all, if we post things here it's because we try to give our honest opinion about break ups and relationships.

 

I'm a guy and I know for a fact that when Love is true then there is no such thing as the line "I'm not ready".

There might be lines like "I'm scared to death" or even "I'm so tired because it's hard" but never "I'm not ready"

There's a long saying about Love. It goes like this:

Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast. Love is not proud, it is not rude. Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love keeps no records of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails.

Did you notice anything about "Love does not fear or tire out" ? No, it simply is not there.

Look again, do you see the part where it says "Love never fails".

 

This is why I'm starting to believe some people when they say "When Love is real then there is never a need for a break from either parties !".

A break is an alarm, a warning to let you know that your partner might and probably will falter again in the future. You said it yourself, you have already broken up with you ex twice.

 

Again, that's my opinion. You're free to take it or refuse it. If/when I'm love with someone then I'd get the moon for them !! All in all, I'm not sure I am willing to take my ex back (and I haven't called, emailed or texted her since she called me 2 days ago). When we broke up, the question was "Does she still Love me". Today the question is "Do I still Love her ?"

I don't want to hurt her or hurt myself again by taking her back as long as I don't have an answer to that !!

She doesn't know it but right now... I'm the one requesting a break eventhough I haven't told her anything.

[Kate]

i am all for hearing candid advice. after all, i'm not here to be hopeful or pathetic in any way.

 

last night i asked him a LOT of questions, there is no reason for him to not answer them honestly. i can't break down our entire conversation, but i truly think that it boils down to timing for him. there are a lot of other things i haven't included in my posts about him, his personality. based on what i KNOW about him, i know that he can not be pushed for anything. i KNOW about him because i was his friend -- and only his friend -- during his last relationship. here are some more facts that help illustrate his issues with timing, and i believe him -- not cause i want to have false hope, but it does in fact help me to get over my own deamons and know that it's not personal.:

 

1) he only dated 3 girls in highschool for a few weeks at a time. when the last girl he dated and he ended, he went 4 YEARS without one date, any sex, any girlfriend, whatever. he is very very picky, very sensitive and doesn't throw around his energy for anyone.

 

2) he is a true loner (not in a bad way). he explained to me that he was so shy as a kid and has always always kept to himself when he felt he needed to figure things out. by nature he is very private and independent.

 

3) he is extremely genuine. he does not just tell me things i want to hear. and he has told me things that are truthful but hurtful. i made sure of it last night that i'm not hanging on to a false glimmer of hope. i told him that i was scared to make the wrong decision to date another guy during whatever unknown period of time he needs to be alone...and for that i wanted to make sure that he thinks i am the right person...he said there is no one else he wants to date when he is in fact ready to give everything he has to a relationship.

 

4) I WENT THROUGH THIS BEFORE -- in fact, even worse!! The guy i was with had a severe, severe crush on me for 12 years. we became best of friends. he wanted to date, i didn't....but then we ended up dating...very similar situation. VERY. after a few months of dating, he couldn't find a job...and became very very depressed. he withdrew from me completely. i thought it was me and went through a sea of emotions just like this. he said he wanted to be with me so bad but couldn't -- he needed to be alone. i did push him, but only after i realized he was so withdrawn from me. he kept saying how he saw us married in the future, but now was so hard for him. and guess what? it was not a lie -- he was so incapable of having me which he wanted that he ended up depressed and in a hospital for 2 months. his depression was so intense and he told his mother and family "i want to give her eveyrthing....i just don't know how right now...i'm not right within myself..." so i know all too well now that some guys may really really want to be with someone...but their life is just too unsorted at the moment.

 

5) he is 26, trying to move out of his house, only had a 3 week grace period after his last long relationhsip prior to being with me, is trying to get financially stable and get his business up and running. he told me if he felt that at least ONE thing was stable, he would probably feel more ready to give himself to me. but he realized that he was only giving 50% of his 100% before, and obviously he saw the horrible effect it had on our relationsihp. i know i want this and would take him in any fashion, but i truly believe that he wants ME badly enough to be right within himself first. he said point blank that he already jumped at the chance ot be w/ me when he wasn't ready...and look what happened? why would he want to do that again? i really believe him...last night was a wake up call.

 

6) sometimes NC is an unconcsious test from the other person to see if you are really strong enough to be for them, and to be there for them when they need you to be. i'll be honest -- if i hadn't been through the same exact situation before, with a poor fella i truly thought was full of crapola for so long, and who ended up totally depressed, i would also think that this ex is full of crap. so perhaps all of that pain with the other guy was worth it to teach me something. i never would have known if i did'nt go through it.

 

sometimes you really have to believe in people, assuming you are being true to yourself. i really want to give this self thing a try and see what happens. at the very least, by my contact with him last night, i realize what the NC is all about. he's not stringing me along, lying to me, only i can do that to myself. he was honest with me, and it's not the biggest crock that he may really really need time. after all, i know the kind of person he is and that knowledge supports his behavior.

 

the one good thing is that over all i feel so so much better. i have peace of mind becuase i UNDERSTAND the situation for what it is. i was so scared and bitter yesterday, and i don't think i saw the whole thing for what it is. when you are the one rejected, it's easy to not trust, get depressed, etc. but if you can learn to have faith in the other person, that what they are saying is true, AND be true to yourself at the same time where if they are full of caca you are the better one, it's worth it.

 

my conversation yesterday actually allowed me to move on -- because he eliminated my fear of us never being together ever again. that is why we are on this website here, we are so afraid of never being with them again. obviously there are no guarentees on anything, but i can't tell you how honest and open my ex was yesterdya. i could see it in his eyes, in his actions -- he just needs to be solo....nevermind that, he's such an independent person ALLTOGETHER -- even in a relationship. i felt at ease with who he is, what he needs, and i suggest that anyone else in my position really really try to undersatnd their ex...ask them specific questions, even if you think it might damage your pride. i asked him all kinds of questions...and we are on the same page with our understanding of WHY the relationship went bad, and how. we both know what it will take for things to get back to where we would like them, and i hope they do.

 

overall, i don't want to inspire anyone to have false hope -- i am a realist, too negative in fact for my own good -- and i think that's why i want to try somethng different htis time -- thinking positive without being a pushover. i go out with different people all of the time, give other guys a shot, won't stop just to wait for the ex i really want. it's not fair to me. i accept that part, but also accept what someone said here before -- that we do live in a way that we need instant gratification. and i'll tell anyone on here who will listen and take this piece of advice seriously:

 

I ONCE MADE THE MISTAKE OF IGNORING SOMEONE WHO SAID THEY NEEDED SPACE. I DIDN'T BELIEVE THEM, THOUGHT IT WAS FALSE, FELT BAD FOR MYSELF, FELT TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, FELT HURT AND BETRAYED -- AND ALL THE WHILE, THEY WERE TELLING ME THE TRUTH. THE POOR GUY HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN OVER MY LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND DISBELIEF. I SPENT XMAS WITH HIM IN THE HOSPITAL WHERE HE CRIED AND SAID HOW HE LOVED ME BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND HE HAD THINGS GOING ON THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. EVERYTIME HE PULLED AWAY I FOLLOWED -- AND THAT THREATENED HIS SPACE AND HE GOT WORSE MENTALLY. HE REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH ME, TOLD HIS MOM HE WANTED OT MARRY ME, ETC. BUT I DIDN'T RESPECT HIS SPACE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FULL OF CRAP. I FOCUSED ON MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I DIDN'T ACCEPT THE FACT MAYBE HE WAS BEING HONEST...IF I LET HIM BE, THINGS WOULD WORK.

 

so, i'm going to try to learn from one of the biggest mistakes i ever learned -- with the above. the guy i want now is not as mentally weak as the other one, so no he will not end up in the psych ward -- but, he will end up where he is now -- away from me.

 

this will probably take a few months, i am thinking as far as the time he needs to have a fun summer, go out with his friends, work hard, enjoy his hobbies, etc. i can almost guarentee that if i maintain a positive healthy attitude toward life, accept just a friendship, things will slip back into place. i must believe that if he wasn't so concerned about doing things "Right" then we would have just continued down the other road. i know this affects him too, but my choice to remain positive, friends and maintain hope for him is a decision made of a seriuos past mistake that i regret (with the ex who really needed what he needed and i didn't trust him and he just broke down), as well as my knowing that i have a horrible horrible propensity to be hard on myself, negative and lack inner self-esteem in relationsihps.

 

i will update here each time he calls or if i see him -- which i am guessing will be about once a week on a friendly level only. hey, my mental health has been suffering...and if you are doing the same crap to yourself and not feeling better, something has to give, and i don't think you can go wrong with a positive attitude.

 

my advice is for everyone with the NC thing to make sure they know EXACTLY where they stand, EXACTLY where htat ex is coming from...cause you can be really suprised at the lack of communication that propells infinite NC. accepting and understanding why they are doing this to you is important, and i just feel i really got to the bottom of it last night. we hadn't had time to talk like that because we were always together before....so space is good. also, when i picked him up yesterday, instead of that look of "oh no, we have to talk...", we both had huge smiles, excitement, and the conversation was light and great. when it got into the part about "us", though the nature of the conversation was heavy, it didn't feel heavy or draining at all. i guess communicaitng honestly just helped ,me.

 

let me know what you guys think of this, i promise promise you i 'm not tyring to be in denial or have false hope, and i hope to prove to you that what i am saying here is true -- to inspire other situations as well as mine....man i wish it was 3 months later...

[Zoey]

Wow...

I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

I do not agree with dreamguy in that true love never needs a break. I definitely think that taking a break from a relationship is a great way to take a step back and re-examine the positive and negative sides of a relationship. This is what you do when you are dating, you constantly reassess a situation and see what you like, and what things you need to work on. A crude analogy is the year-review process that most people do at work. You see if your goals have been met, you set new goals, and you see if things are still working for both parties. The end goal is determing whether you should pursue the relationship toward marriage. This can't be done without an honest assessment.

 

Ok, on to my next point - Kate, I wanted to address your point 5, where you basically said that your ex-BF was very unstable. Like I said in my last post, it is very important that you leave him alone to reestablish himself. He sounds like he is very overwhelmed with alot of things right now, and adding another worry to his list will only cause him to neglect something else.

 

I think that your story is different that many posters on this site simply because it is complicated by his recent break-up with a girl that he dated for 4 years. You two never really got to experience your own relationship because of his unresolved issues.

 

Therefore, I think that when he says "I'm not ready" he does not mean "I'll never be ready." What it means is, that he has just gotten out of a 4 year-relationship. It is very emotionally trying to end a serious long term relationship whether you were dumpee or dumper. It takes rebuilding almost every area of your life. So many millions of things that you do on an everyday basis are tied up in memories that involve another person, someone that you will likely never see again. In that respect, it is like mourning someone dying. So step back, respect his need for rebuilding and I definitely think that he will come running when he is ready.

 

In the meantime, respect yourself. Date other people, be open-minded, be his FRIEND. Go out with your girlfriends and have an amazing time.

[lost_in_chgo]

Kate,

 

Another note, he may need to date someone else. Sow his wild oats, etc..

My ex needed to do that when she divorced.

Don't be surprised if he need to play the field a bit.

 

Don't set a timeframe on this. If you don't want to wait forever, don't, but do not give him a time limit. Give yourself one if you want, but don't tell him about it.

 

It isn't going to be easy.

 

I'm glad for you that you got some feedback from him.

All I could get was a refusal to talk and then "I feel bad about myself" and then an absolute refusal to discuss anything personal.

 

So you are in a much better position. Keep the faith, but it might take longer than you think.

[Kate]

thank you lost in chicago, zoey. zoey, i think you are right on with everything you said about rebuilding his life in every area. i think that i really confused something here: i thought that because he was the dumpER in his last realtionship, that left him totally drained, that he was fine. not the case. i forget the feelings of guilt, loss, etc. that accompany a difficult break up -- it was his first relationship ever, and his first love!!! geez!! i have been selfish.

 

the funny thing is this -- i knew all along he wasn' ready. but pursued anyway. the very first night we hung out after i moved back and he had just broken up was xmas eve. i brought him to a party and he wouldn't flirt with me or even sit too close to me. i thought it was SO wierd at the time. that night i went home and cried cause i knew he wasn't ready. i vowed not to call him again because i knew deep down it was a forewarning of things to come....but you always ignore instinct when you enjoy someone completely. we kept hanging out cause we LIKED eachother's company...so even though we knew the facts deep down, we went against better judgement. i don't consider it a mistake, i consider it a blessing because it happened for a reason -- and i think it was to always give us a reference now for anyone else we meet. if we never dated and fell in love, i may choose to be with someone else cause i don't know what he was all about. now, i can compare them to my love for him and know what i really want. i think it was almost a shield to let us know, "ok maybe the time is not right now, but don't forget this person...". makes me smile.

[Kate]

a very very brilliant friend of my told me this (he was a child-prodigy, worked on wall st. since age 13, totally smart socially and o/wise, the most amazing person i have EVER met -- AND, wanted to date me, Lord knows why i won't, my heart is somewhere else...sounds insane given this guy's amazingness....) after i told him bits and pieces and the very basics of my relationship dilemma a few weeks ago. he said to me: "he spent 4 of the most important years of his life with one girl from age 22 to 26. what he is now is in transition mode. if you stay with him, and work things out, he will eventually make a full - circle transition -- and if you are still in his life, he will have no choice but to kick you out of it to make the full transition. if you break now, he can transition the way he is supposed to and there can be hope later ... end it now and don't take him back until you know he's ready".

 

isn't that true??

[sid3]

We are the people trying to work on things and still loving them and trying to keep the relationship together. Just think of that whenever things get hard for you and you want them back.

 

Something to feel good about

 

It isn't going to be easy.

 

Your right lost, it really isn't. It's hard as hell!