Why does FWB never work out?

[Squishy_Belle]

I met someone and made it clear from the start that i am not ready for a serious relationship. He said he understood. We would hang out and go to movies and stuff and i really liked him. He was such a gentleman and treated me like no one has ever treated me before, still i wanted nothing serious.

One day at the movies he told me he wish he could call me his gf and it all went down hill from there. I didn't know how to deal with it and the more i tried pulling myself away the more clingy he got. Even cried about me to his guy friends..wtf? Well needless to say we don't talk anymore because he started becoming a little stalker and im kinda like WHY???

 

Me and a friend went out with a friends friends ex husband like 3 weeks ago, we kissed. It was a bit of drunken fun and nothing more and woosh he will not stop texting me asking to take me out on a date and that he really likes me. It drives me insane that i can't just have a FWB..Not even sexually. Just hanging out, having fun, cuddles n kisses..i wonder if i have this vibe that makes people believe i want something serious when i always say im not ready for something serious.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Short answer: Because one person is always going to want more, feel more, become more attached...then start developing emotions.

 

Especially for men, women are always ready and eager to push for the package of marriage and kids eventually, or at least a full fledged committed relationship then guys back away from the pressure because It's too in your face, the expectations are high and it seems like there is no room to get to know the person better since It feels like you're buying the car before you even get to test drive it.

 

When a woman is stand-offish, not only does this initiate a "challenge" mode within a guy, It also lets him develop emotions with a much lower wall, not having expected anything "serious" to come out of it. In that way he gets caught off guard If he really starts to develop emotions for you, however keep in mind guys do tend to this automatically because they want to pull you in, they want you to be into them and want a relationship...that's what the majority of other women demand and desire so when you do not they start to feel insecure, winning you over will assure them the moral and ego boost then need in order to feel in control and on top again.

 

Men also are used to women wanting more regardless of prior terms...such as FWB, Summer Fling, someone he's cheating with...so regardless of what women say their emotions tend to rule and then they just become puppies on a leash, slave to their owner (their heart) and the rest is history...It's up to a guy to drop the ball at that point...for at least a long while.

 

People always never take you seriously...whenever you say you're "not ready" people see you in the next transition phase which will lead to "being ready"....it's the next logical step, so when you are "ready" then guess what? you'll be ready then. They don't realize that If you were to move on and be ready then It'd likely not be with them as the "transition" person was something half-heartedly expected and invested in, not really delving that deeply into emotions because you're just thinking to keep it light.

 

If you're not ready for a relationship, then don't date. It's really the only way you're going to ensure you get over or through whatever it is you're dealing with...you're trying to deal with your emotions/issues or whatever it is while being with another person...that always leads to drama, humans just can't regulate what they feel..once they feel something they just get whisked away, regardless of the terms before hand...welcome to planet earth.

Edited May 16, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Oxy Moronovich]

^^How is that a short answer?

 

OP, you're in a minority here. Few women want FWB and nothing more. So guys are actually finding it difficult to find a rare breed like you. So perhaps they think you aren't serious. Plus, I'm thinking these guys aren't experienced in FWB. They don't know how it works. Did you drop some guidelines or anything? When they started to get clingy, did you tell them to stop?

[Ninjainpajamas]

^^How is that a short answer?

 

OP, you're in a minority here. Few women want FWB and nothing more. So guys are actually finding it difficult to find a rare breed like you. So perhaps they think you aren't serious. Plus, I'm thinking these guys aren't experienced in FWB. They don't know how it works. Did you drop some guidelines or anything? When they started to get clingy, did you tell them to stop?

 

The first sentence was...followed by a long-answer

[SmileFace]

Idk I have had successful fwb before so it can work.

[ASG]

I actively have FWB that work. There's this one guy who has been my FWB for about 4 years now. We don't get together too often as we don't live in the same country, but whenever I'm in town we meet up go for a drink, talk about life, work, whatever and then get laid.

 

It's brilliant! Neither of us wants anything else and our thing just works!

 

So it can work!

[Ninjainpajamas]

I actively have FWB that work. There's this one guy who has been my FWB for about 4 years now. We don't get together too often as we don't live in the same country, but whenever I'm in town we meet up go for a drink, talk about life, work, whatever and then get laid.

 

It's brilliant! Neither of us wants anything else and our thing just works!

 

So it can work!

 

I get what you're saying but that is more of a booty call situation than in my opinion an actual FWB where you are constantly seeing, sleeping with and going out with this person...more of a dating feel, spending some significant time together...I believe that's what changes the dynamic.

 

Do people have others on the line when they need some side lovin? of course, but there's a fine line of investment lest you get yourself into trouble...It has to be distanced because honestly If you were really into the person then why wouldn't you be in relationship with them? and If you don't see them as dating or relationship potential then why would you be so eager to spend so much time with them and what is the real value of that relationship at the end of the day?

 

It especially raises the question of why you would still be single.

[irc333]

I always wondered, does having a FWB mean you're not having sex with other people?

 

Is it usually exclusive? I think it should be, considering the diseases.

[ASG]

I get what you're saying but that is more of a booty call situation than in my opinion an actual FWB where you are constantly seeing, sleeping with and going out with this person...more of a dating feel, spending some significant time together...I believe that's what changes the dynamic.

 

Do people have others on the line when they need some side lovin? of course, but there's a fine line of investment lest you get yourself into trouble...It has to be distanced because honestly If you were really into the person then why wouldn't you be in relationship with them? and If you don't see them as dating or relationship potential then why would you be so eager to spend so much time with them and what is the real value of that relationship at the end of the day?

 

It especially raises the question of why you would still be single.

 

But you see, if I was spending loads of time with someone and sleeping with them... why would they be a FWB? Why wouldn't they be my SO?

 

FWB are not that different from F*ck buddies. They shouldn't be. They are supposed to be someone you hang out with every once in a while, sometimes even in social situations with other friends, but who you also sleep with.

 

That is the only way to not blur the line and not get hurt.

 

So I agree with you in a way. If you're spending all (or almost all) of your free time with someone, then why label it a FWB and not and actual relationship?

I don't spend all my time with any one person. I divide it between several friends and groups of friends. So a FWB would be someone I would hang out with in the same sort of time frame, but also slept with, since I don't sleep with all my friends!

[ASG]

I always wondered, does having a FWB mean you're not having sex with other people?

 

Is it usually exclusive? I think it should be, considering the diseases.

 

That's why condoms were invented.

 

My FWB situations have never been exclusive. There is no commitment. It doesn't mean you're necessarily sleeping with other people, but it means that, if it happens, it's no big deal.

[irc333]

That's why condoms were invented.

 

 

Bwahahaha! Yeah right, as if they are the solution or work. Good one. You can still catch STD's with condoms actually.

 

I knew of a woman that had an FWB with a male friend, but when she actually started dating a real boyfriend, she had to cut ties with the FWB, needless to say he was not happy. Not sure if he developed feelings for her OR this meant not having sex anymore.

[make me believe]

It drives me insane that i can't just have a FWB..Not even sexually. Just hanging out, having fun, cuddles n kisses...

 

So basically you want a stand-in boyfriend to give you attention, cuddle with you, kiss you, and take you out, but you don't want to call him your boyfriend and apparently you aren't even going to have sex with him? Uh... what exactly is in this for the guy? What you describe is not a FWB situation. The "benefit" in FWB means sex.... You basically want somebody to play the part of your boyfriend and give you all the benefits of having a boyfriend (someone to kiss, go on dates with, etc) but none of the responsibility for yourself AND no sex for them. Yeah.. it doesn't surprise me that guys are not down with that.

[irc333]

I met someone and made it clear from the start that i am not ready for a serious relationship. He said he understood. We would hang out and go to movies and stuff and i really liked him. He was such a gentleman and treated me like no one has ever treated me before, still i wanted nothing serious.

 

Basically, FWB in YOUR situation means he pays for your outings, food, movie tickets, etc, but you won't let him touch you in return.

 

Not my idea of a FWB, lol.

[bac]

 

It drives me insane that i can't just have a FWB..Not even sexually. Just hanging out, having fun, cuddles n kisses..i wonder if i have this vibe that makes people believe i want something serious when i always say im not ready for something serious.

 

Sure, it drives you insane. You cannot have a FWBs because you have no idea of what it means. I guess it is because you do not live in the USA. FWBs is a connection just for sex without real friendship, dating, movies, dinners and other pleasant things. It works this way. Your FWBs contacts you when he wants to f...k you. Then, you meet together and have sex. After sex, he is gone and does whatever he wants. He also typically has a few FWBs like you but you do not to ask him any questions about his other partners.

 

FWBs work fine if you are capable to have sex with no feelings and see your partner just as an object to f....k (not as a friend).

[Pierre]

FWB is a brilliant term coined by men that like to have women available with no strings attached whenever they are horny.

 

The term FWB has legitimacy as a form of a relationship. Now a girl can meet a man and he can ask her to be a FWB rather than exclusivity, dates, or GF. The term works well for men and women that cannot achieve another status.

 

FWB has replaced the older term F****buddy which had a negative connotation. Nowadays many women do not mind being labe as a FWB. So this works quite well.

[ASG]

Bwahahaha! Yeah right, as if they are the solution or work. Good one. You can still catch STD's with condoms actually.

 

I knew of a woman that had an FWB with a male friend, but when she actually started dating a real boyfriend, she had to cut ties with the FWB, needless to say he was not happy. Not sure if he developed feelings for her OR this meant not having sex anymore.

 

Of course. you can also get pregnant. But HIV and Hepatitis are transmitted by other ways, other than sexually. If you don't think condoms don't a good enough job, then you'll never have sex, for fear of catching anything, even with a committed partner, that had a blood transfusion!!!

 

A lot of people in the 80's ended up with HIV because of badly screened blood in the blood banks. They got delt a ****ty hand by negligent medicine. And what? You expect them to never have sex again, because condoms aren't 100% safe???

 

Condoms don't really protect against herpes either! And it's almost impossible to detect herpes unless you have an episode. So... what? You're never having sex again for fear of getting it?

 

**** happens, even when you're being careful.

 

Not to mention that most STDs are easier to treat than the flu! You take a dose of antibiotics and voilá! Infection GONE!

 

Sure, getting an STD is bad... But I don't see how it's worse than getting a cold/the flu from coworkers. Or mono, from a BF/GF/Family member.

[Pierre]

Of course. you can also get pregnant. But HIV and Hepatitis are transmitted by other ways, other than sexually. If you don't think condoms don't a good enough job, then you'll never have sex, for fear of catching anything, even with a committed partner, that had a blood transfusion!!!

 

A lot of people in the 80's ended up with HIV because of badly screened blood in the blood banks. They got delt a ****ty hand by negligent medicine. And what? You expect them to never have sex again, because condoms aren't 100% safe???

 

Condoms don't really protect against herpes either! And it's almost impossible to detect herpes unless you have an episode. So... what? You're never having sex again for fear of getting it?

 

**** happens, even when you're being careful.

 

Not to mention that most STDs are easier to treat than the flu! You take a dose of antibiotics and voilá! Infection GONE!

 

Sure, getting an STD is bad... But I don't see how it's worse than getting a cold/the flu from coworkers. Or mono, from a BF/GF/Family member.

 

Somehow I don't think you are relationship material so FWB is ideal for you.

[irc333]

Somehow I don't think you are relationship material so FWB is ideal for you.

 

Right, "Hey, if I get herpies or HPV, I'll just get a shot and boom it's gone!"

 

Who'd want to go through all that crap anyways? And plus the stigma. I get a kick out how he non-chalantly posts about it.

 

But I don't see how it's worse than getting a cold/the flu from coworkers

 

I think it's much worse.

[bac]

 

Sure, getting an STD is bad... But I don't see how it's worse than getting a cold/the flu from coworkers. Or mono, from a BF/GF/Family member.

 

If you get a cold from coworkers you recover in about 7 days.

 

If you get HIV from your sexual partner you die in about 7 years.

Also, the last 2-3 years of the 7 years you have to suffer terribly taking a bunch of medications and you are not able to function. You are helpless and hopeless one on one dealing with painful process of diyng.

[irc333]

You know , it's kind of sad that something as simple and pleasurable as sex can also be deadly.

 

 

If you get a cold from coworkers you recover in about 7 days.

 

If you get HIV from your sexual partner you die in about 7 years.

Also, the last 2-3 years of the 7 years you have to suffer terribly taking a bunch of medications and you are not able to function. You are helpless and hopeless one on one dealing with painful process of diyng.

[fishtaco]

FWB = sex. No sex, it's not a FWB. If you just want to cuddle and kiss, I'm not sure what to call it. I doubt many men would be interested in something like that.

 

FWBs are by nature very precarious. Usually one side wants more. That's just how it is.

 

So if a FWB ends without crazy drama, then I'd call it a successful FWB. It's a usually temporary arrangement.

 

As long as both sides understand that FWB is not a fast track to relationship, in fact, once you engage in FWB, your chances of a real relationship is diminished, and the F part - friendship, could be at stake when it ends, then by all means, go for it. Consenting adults, no laws are broken, all good.

 

Hence personally I think bed buddy is better, you don't engage in any friend stuff. FWB's actually hang out after sex. Bed buddies don't.

 

But if you didn't have sex with the guy, then it wasn't FWB. It was just a case of the guy wants to date you, but you don't want to date him. Happens all the time. He needs to suck it up and go hook up with someone else.

[SmileFace]

FWB = sex. No sex, it's not a FWB. If you just want to cuddle and kiss, I'm not sure what to call it. I doubt many men would be interested in something like that.

 

FWBs are by nature very precarious. Usually one side wants more. That's just how it is.

 

So if a FWB ends without crazy drama, then I'd call it a successful FWB. It's a usually temporary arrangement.

 

As long as both sides understand that FWB is not a fast track to relationship, in fact, once you engage in FWB, your chances of a real relationship is diminished, and the F part - friendship, could be at stake when it ends, then by all means, go for it. Consenting adults, no laws are broken, all good.

 

Hence personally I think bed buddy is better, you don't engage in any friend stuff. FWB's actually hang out after sex. Bed buddies don't.

 

But if you didn't have sex with the guy, then it wasn't FWB. It was just a case of the guy wants to date you, but you don't want to date him. Happens all the time. He needs to suck it up and go hook up with someone else.

 

I am sorry the correct term is f- buddy,lol, but that is generally the only way it works, I agree .

[RedRobin]

FWB are not that different from F*ck buddies.

 

A FWB *IS* a f-buddy.

 

Terminology has changed because some people don't like the f-buddy label. So, it is dressed up as a 'friend' with benefits to make it more palatable or seem more respectable.

 

I'm one of those people who prefer just to call it what it is... no need to dress it up...

 

also... I personally don't believe in them. The ones who seem to prefer them are the ones who have a knack for making sure the other person is the one getting hurt... but they opt out from their conscience by saying 'oh, but I was honest with them upfront'.

 

Ok... whatever.

 

This is the main reason I won't date someone who has a history of having FWB or f-buddies by the way. I don't want to be with a man who has a steady diet of emotionless sex...no matter how it gets spun.

Edited May 16, 2012 by RedRobin

[shorty7]

I imagine f*ck buddies and friends with benefits to be interchangeable.

 

Two people who are sexually compatible together but don't have interest in emotional involvement.

 

A relationship package comes with sexual, emotional, and intellectual connection. All can be mutually exclusive from each other with different partners in FWB's. It usually have the sexual component in the center and maybe have either of the other two, but not entirely necessary.

 

In a traditional sense, you move from intellectual connection, to emotional attachment, and then finally scoring with sex in a relationship. I guess nowadays if sex is the ultimate goal you start with it first? IMO it totally depends on your values. Could you have a girl/boy friend who's dumb as a brick but the sex is out of this world, or would you rather have someone who's not a sex god but you can have the occasional nerdgasms together?

[fishtaco]

I am sorry the correct term is f- buddy,lol, but that is generally the only way it works, I agree .

 

Well, yeah, I was trying to avoid the f word, so I used the term bed buddies. But yeah, f-buddy is more straight to the point.

 

A FWB *IS* a f-buddy.

 

Looks like we disagree again.

 

FWB is when there is friendship. After you f-k, you go watch a movie, hang out with some mutual friends.

 

F-buddy, after you f-k, you say I had a good time, take a shower, go home. You do NOT hang out.

 

I understand many women, maybe even you, prefer to believe that men are robots with penises. But that's not true. Feelings can and will develop, from spending quality time together. I would argue that quality time is even more powerful than sex. Hence I roll my eyes when women claim they get attached from sex, but at the same time they have no qualms about spending time with the guy, as long as there's no sexy time, as if attachment won't grow out of that.

 

So for people that are committed to make it sex only, f-buddy is better, because they do NOT spend quality time together, and feelings will be less likely to develop -- they are not friends. FWB, you are veering closer to an actual relationship.

 

That is the difference.

 

It's okay if you want to denounce these alternate association types with disgust. Because anyone that does not view the world the same as you do deserve your insult. And by all means don't engage in these activities. But that doesn't take away the differences.