Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Guys, what would be the reasoning as to why you would flake on a woman? I met a guy awhile ago. Right off of the bat, he made it clear that he could have the relations, and not the relationship. I told him that I wasn't that "woman"-I explained that I don't sleep around. I am in fact, very sexually attracted to him. I told him this. I thought that since we are in two different places in our lives, why not casually sleep with him. I don't see him as relationship material. So, a few days ago, I agreed to it. We had planned for him to come over yesterday, and he said he was going to call. He never called. He never showed up. I am confused as to why he flaked out on me, when he has been trying to sleep with me for two months, and I said no. Now, when I said yes, he bailed. My head goes to "oh, he found someone better, you're not good enough". To be honest, my feelings are a bit hurt. I firmly believe that women teach men how to treat us. Do I continue speaking to him, or will my lack of words show him that what he did is unexecptable? I don't want to make a big deal out of this. But, I don't want to let him know that I'm hurt. What would some of you do? Thanks!
CC12 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 What would some of you do? I would stop speaking to him. What you two planned was essentially a date and he stood you up. I'm not sure why you're even considering speaking to him again. No need to make a big deal out of it, just don't call him and don't answer when he calls.
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I would stop speaking to him. What you two planned was essentially a date and he stood you up. I'm not sure why you're even considering speaking to him again. No need to make a big deal out of it, just don't call him and don't answer when he calls. Was it a date? We just agreed to have him come over and sleep together. I told him that if we do this, I'll want it all the time. I was being honest, and tried to get right to the point. Like I said, my head takes me to a place where I think I did something wrong. I feel a bit..rejected.
CC12 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Was it a date? We just agreed to have him come over and sleep together. Ha. Well, I mean, sure, it was a date, except you guys were planning to **** instead of going out for coffee or to the zoo or whatever. Or if you're not comfortable with calling it a "date" then at least you can compare it to two friends meeting up to do a predetermined activity together. If one friend is a no-call, no-show, then you'd probably be pretty upset and consider ending the friendship, right? Like I said, my head takes me to a place where I think I did something wrong. I feel a bit..rejected. Well. You kind of were rejected. Sorry, Mary. It sucks, but it happens to almost everyone. You probably didn't do anything heinously wrong, though. There's no use in thinking, "You're not good enough." Good enough for who? Him? You both only wanted sex from each other. It's not like it was this deep romantic connection. Right?
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Ha. Well, I mean, sure, it was a date, except you guys were planning to **** instead of going out for coffee or to the zoo or whatever. Or if you're not comfortable with calling it a "date" then at least you can compare it to two friends meeting up to do a predetermined activity together. If one friend is a no-call, no-show, then you'd probably be pretty upset and consider ending the friendship, right? Well. You kind of were rejected. Sorry, Mary. It sucks, but it happens to almost everyone. You probably didn't do anything heinously wrong, though. There's no use in thinking, "You're not good enough." Good enough for who? Him? You both only wanted sex from each other. It's not like it was this deep romantic connection. Right? I feel as though I rejected him a month ago, now he rejected me - as soon as I said yes. I know that there is no romantic connection, but I do see good in him. We're just not even in the same place in life. He is younger-only 21. I am 26. Does it sound like he could perhaps be playing games? I don't know if I should even continue this friendship anymore. I want to be respectful and bow out gracefully-if it's the right thing to do.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 It was the thrill of the hunt, and now that you'll finally put out he's either got other options or you're not worth any more time investment. If he was more capable he'd probably have followed through with it and just kept you on the side, but he's a young guy so his ego is likely pretty fragile so he wanted to get back at you to claim victory...I mean the guy is 21, nothing really complicated and manipulative can really be going on upstairs, there's only so many things he could be thinking and doing. I believe it was a game and a challenge to seduce a mature and older woman (at least to him) into getting into bed just for sex, he wanted to see If he could pull it off despite you knowing and understanding the situation. You being difficult made him up his game, but in the end I think he would have just hit it and quit it anyway, he doesn't seem like a true investor he just knew he was tugging at your strings...you already gave him the golden ticket by telling him you were turned on by his appeal so he knew that eventually he could make this happen..it was just a matter of time. How intelligent he is, is debatable, but he's probably a quick learner, a pretty attractive guy and somewhat capable guy which is why he had the option of turning you down...however I doubt in the future he'd invest a few months into getting a woman to sleep with him...or at least knowing he could, he'll either make it happen right away or move on to the next or juggle several women at a time. Bottom line.. If a guy who is really into you isn't going to pass up sleeping with you, especially after a two month haul...to me that just clarifies that he was doing it for the ego boost and challenge more than the actual deed. Why you would speak with him is beyond me...regardless of the circumstance what is more rejecting than not even willing to have sex with someone when the sex was given free? It's basically a slap in the face...he's not older and wise enough to have done it just because he cares about how you feel or worried about hurting you, plus he would have at least talked to you about it If pushing you that hard for it, I doubt that'd interfere with his agenda one bit. 1
january2011 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I don't know if I should even continue this friendship anymore. He didn't call nor did he turn up. Whatever this is, it's not a friendship. I agree with the others, cut him off.
Imajerk17 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) Guys, what would be the reasoning as to why you would flake on a woman? I met a guy awhile ago. Right off of the bat, he made it clear that he could have the relations, and not the relationship. I told him that I wasn't that "woman"-I explained that I don't sleep around. I am in fact, very sexually attracted to him. I told him this. I thought that since we are in two different places in our lives, why not casually sleep with him. I don't see him as relationship material. So you ARE "that" woman then. I mean, you told him one thing and then you go do something else. Hard to respect someone like that. So, a few days ago, I agreed to it. We had planned for him to come over yesterday, and he said he was going to call. He never called. He never showed up. I am confused as to why he flaked out on me, when he has been trying to sleep with me for two months, and I said no. Now, when I said yes, he bailed. My head goes to "oh, he found someone better, you're not good enough". To be honest, my feelings are a bit hurt. I firmly believe that women teach men how to treat us. Do I continue speaking to him, or will my lack of words show him that what he did is unexecptable? I don't want to make a big deal out of this. But, I don't want to let him know that I'm hurt. What would some of you do? Thanks!Go back and reread your post, especially what I bolded. Having casual sex with guys you don't view as "relationship material" will hurt you when it comes to when you meet someone whom you DO view as relationship material. They'll view you as trashy, get what I'm saying. And no one wants a trashy girl as a girlfriend. Stop spreading your legs like that! Edited May 16, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 So you ARE "that" woman then. I mean, you told him one thing and then you go do something else. Hard to respect someone like that. I don't sleep around with several different men. No. I don't. I did, at first, say no. Then, a month later, I did happen to change my mind. So what you're saying is that my actions and my words don't match up? Perhaps, I can see this as well.
Imajerk17 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) I don't sleep around with several different men. No. I don't. I did, at first, say no. Then, a month later, I did happen to change my mind. So what you're saying is that my actions and my words don't match up? Perhaps, I can see this as well. I hate to say this, but he probably views you as "easy" and doesn't respect you. I mean, how did he earn you letting him sleep with you? At any rate, you are making it that much harder for you to find a real boyfriend. No guy wants to be with a woman who is "trashy" like that. Edited May 16, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I believe it was a game and a challenge to seduce a mature and older woman (at least to him) into getting into bed just for sex, he wanted to see If he could pull it off despite you knowing and understanding the situation. You being difficult made him up his game, but in the end I think he would have just hit it and quit it anyway, he doesn't seem like a true investor he just knew he was tugging at your strings...you already gave him the golden ticket by telling him you were turned on by his appeal so he knew that eventually he could make this happen..it was just a matter of time. This makes so much sense. Wow, thank you for helping me understand this a bit better. I would be lying of I said that I wasn't a little hurt. So to him, it was all a game to build his ego and his self-esteem? My mind goes to "you're not what he wants." I'm just a bit sensitive I guess. But, I'll be alright. How intelligent he is, is debatable, but he's probably a quick learner, a pretty attractive guy and somewhat capable guy which is why he had the option of turning you down...however I doubt in the future he'd invest a few months into getting a woman to sleep with him...or at least knowing he could, he'll either make it happen right away or move on to the next or juggle several women at a time. Bottom line.. If a guy who is really into you isn't going to pass up sleeping with you, especially after a two month haul...to me that just clarifies that he was doing it for the ego boost and challenge more than the actual deed. Why you would speak with him is beyond me...regardless of the circumstance what is more rejecting than not even willing to have sex with someone when the sex was given free? It's basically a slap in the face...he's not older and wise enough to have done it just because he cares about how you feel or worried about hurting you, plus he would have at least talked to you about it If pushing you that hard for it, I doubt that'd interfere with his agenda one bit. Totally, I feel like ****. I feel completely rejected. So he got me to say yes, and then pulled away, becasue he isn't even attracted to me?
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 I hate to say this, but he probably views you as "easy" and doesn't respect you. I mean, how did he earn you letting him sleep with you? At any rate, you are making it that much harder for you to find a real boyfriend. No guy wants to be with a woman who is "trashy" like that. I didn't sleep with him. He never showed up. He never called. I haven't contacted him-but I'm sure I'll see him tonight. I just want to be respectful, and not make a big deal out of it-when i do see him.
Imajerk17 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) I didn't sleep with him. He never showed up. He never called. I haven't contacted him-but I'm sure I'll see him tonight. I just want to be respectful, and not make a big deal out of it-when i do see him. You would have slept with him though--if he hadn't turned you down. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's the reality. I'm wondering what he told his friends about you. Hopefully you learned your lesson here. Have sex with, or in this case, OFFER to have sex with, only with guys who are worth having it with! Edited May 16, 2012 by Imajerk17
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I didn't sleep with him. He never showed up. He never called. I haven't contacted him-but I'm sure I'll see him tonight. I just want to be respectful, and not make a big deal out of it-when i do see him. Don't be surprised If he doesn't make another pass at you, just for the hell of it, because he believes he's got you wrapped around his finger now. You should ignore him and call him on his ****, I wouldn't take the typical road and just deal with it and pretend it didn't happen...speak your mind, why do you have to keep your mouth **** and be a good girl and not put a fire under his ass? this is the most frustrating part for me about women, they don't even know when to react and defend themselves when they are being mistreated, they are so insecure and afraid of these weak men who to me would cower in a corner because I'd break em down into sand because I can see right through them by light years. You should have more respect for yourself, it's not that he wasn't attracted to you it seems that he didn't value and respect you...even enough to contact you about this in any form. He's a d!ck head, because that's a d!ck head move...this guy is nothing, but because you think he is attractive and you're into him and kind of want that validation now, you let him feel like a king when he's really just another roach. Don't let men make the rules, when they step out of line call them out on it, earn some respect, show men what you're worth and If they don't think so then tell them to take a hike...just don't fold and give in, nothing makes a man lose respect for a woman more than watching her go against her words.
Imajerk17 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) Don't be surprised If he doesn't make another pass at you, just for the hell of it, because he believes he's got you wrapped around his finger now. You should ignore him and call him on his ****, I wouldn't take the typical road and just deal with it and pretend it didn't happen...speak your mind, why do you have to keep your mouth **** and be a good girl and not put a fire under his ass? this is the most frustrating part for me about women, they don't even know when to react and defend themselves when they are being mistreated, they are so insecure and afraid of these weak men who to me would cower in a corner because I'd break em down into sand because I can see right through them by light years. You should have more respect for yourself, it's not that he wasn't attracted to you it seems that he didn't value and respect you...even enough to contact you about this in any form. He's a d!ck head, because that's a d!ck head move...this guy is nothing, but because you think he is attractive and you're into him and kind of want that validation now, you let him feel like a king when he's really just another roach. Don't let men make the rules, when they step out of line call them out on it, earn some respect, show men what you're worth and If they don't think so then tell them to take a hike...just don't fold and give in, nothing makes a man lose respect for a woman more than watching her go against her words. I pretty much agree with this entire post, especially the parts I bolded. Mary: It's not so much that you offered him sex without a relationship, I've slept with women on the first date and didn't think any less of them. See Mary, sex for them pretty much meant the same as sex for me. They were fine sleeping with someone if they were feeling the attraction and they felt the guy was a good guy. Which is how I feel about sleeping with a woman. Here's the thing though. You told this guy that you don't have sex outside of relationships, which is great. But then there you were offering him sex. You gave up on one of your principles. What did this guy do to deserve that? It probably didn't take much, or at least that is what I strongly suspect. I'm hoping when you ran into him that you didn't give him the time of day. I wouldn't be too surprised if you ended up sleeping with him though. Edited May 17, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 I did see him last night, and I didn't say anything to him. He didn't say anything to me either. I feel like my ego is now bruised. Don't you think that if I do confront him-he'll see that he has the power over me? I don't want him to know that I'm upset, especially since I'm older than him. I know that sounds terrible, but I have such a hard time showing weakness to men, and giving them power.
Imajerk17 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I think the best thing you can do is move on and forget this guy. Hopefully you won't be running into him. What could you confront him for anyway? Not taking him up on your offer of NSA sex? You would look bad too. Really bad. Easy and desperate. And next time, don't offer sex to guys who don't deserve it. It will save you in the future the pain you are feeling right now.
Imajerk17 Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I know that sounds terrible, but I have such a hard time showing weakness to men, and giving them power. Actually though, that's just what you did by offering him NSA sex after telling him you don't have sex outside of relationships.
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 So, my actions and words don't match up. Does it sound as though he wanted to boost his ego--by telling him that I am attracted to him? I have never experienced this before. Maybe his age has a lot to do with this situation. I want to be the one who is able to bow out gracefully. I am still hurt though.
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Actually though, that's just what you did by offering him NSA sex after telling him you don't have sex outside of relationships. I feel manipulated, and silly. Does it sound as though it was all a game to him? I told him I was attracted to him--after saying that I don't sleep around. He basically got an ego boost. I feel rejected, and I feel like he really wasn't attracted to me.
TheFinalWord Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 Guys, what would be the reasoning as to why you would flake on a woman? I met a guy awhile ago. Right off of the bat, he made it clear that he could have the relations, and not the relationship. I told him that I wasn't that "woman"-I explained that I don't sleep around. I am in fact, very sexually attracted to him. I told him this. I thought that since we are in two different places in our lives, why not casually sleep with him. I don't see him as relationship material. So, a few days ago, I agreed to it. We had planned for him to come over yesterday, and he said he was going to call. He never called. He never showed up. I am confused as to why he flaked out on me, when he has been trying to sleep with me for two months, and I said no. Now, when I said yes, he bailed. My head goes to "oh, he found someone better, you're not good enough". To be honest, my feelings are a bit hurt. I firmly believe that women teach men how to treat us. Do I continue speaking to him, or will my lack of words show him that what he did is unexecptable? I don't want to make a big deal out of this. But, I don't want to let him know that I'm hurt. What would some of you do? Thanks! You weren't rejected. This guy is a total scum bag. You think you can sleep with this guy and you wouldn't catch feelings? You said yourself you don't sleep around. I'm guessing casual sex isn't your gig. That's a good thing! So you decide to experiment with this guy? You would be a lot worse off if he slept with you and then wanted nothing more to do with you. You believe women teach men how to treat them? So, in this case you have taught him that your own values and standards are flimsy and he can just waltz in and violate them at will. So you compromise your standards, offer yourself to be used, he stands you up and now you are thinking about how to validate yourself. Your validation would come by sticking to your standards. I think you feel guilt for allowing this jacka$$ to get you to lower your standards and then when you did he demonstrated that your standards mean absolutely nothing to him. Not trying to judge you, but really read what you are saying here. I think you should be glad you dodged this bullet. Don't be mad at him. Figure out why you let this guy who cares absolutely not one shred for you caused you to throw your values out the window. 1
Imajerk17 Posted May 18, 2012 Posted May 18, 2012 (edited) ^^. FinalWord said what I was trying to say far more eloquently and kindly than I did. The only point I'm disagreeing with is that this guy is a scumbag. He is only 21. As you are older, you are supposed to be the more mature one. Instead you showed REALLY WEAK boundaries. Keep this sort of thing up and you are in for a world of pain in your dealings with men. He disappearing probably was for the better anyway. I wonder what would have happened if he had "hit it and quit it" with you, and then ended up DATING someone else, which would not have been unlikely. To answer your question: Ehh well, getting "rejected" is a part of life so get over it. We all make mistakes. He probably WAS attracted to you, until you went against your word as you did. Then he saw you as flimsy and weak, and he lost interest, as you would in a flimsy and weak man. What lesson did YOU learn from this experience? Edited May 18, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 ^^. FinalWord said what I was trying to say far more eloquently and kindly than I did. The only point I'm disagreeing with is that this guy is a scumbag. He is only 21. As you are older, you are supposed to be the more mature one. Instead you showed REALLY WEAK boundaries. Keep this sort of thing up and you are in for a world of pain in your dealings with men. He disappearing probably was for the better anyway. I wonder what would have happened if he had "hit it and quit it" with you, and then ended up DATING someone else, which would not have been unlikely. To answer your question: Ehh well, getting "rejected" is a part of life so get over it. We all make mistakes. He probably WAS attracted to you, until you went against your word as you did. Then he saw you as flimsy and weak, and he lost interest, as you would in a flimsy and weak man. What lesson did YOU learn from this experience? Well, he didn't disappear, as we hang in similar crowds. I just do not speak to him, and he acts like nothing happened. I think what I learned is to not go for guys who are five years younger, who don't have their ish together. I do blame myself. He was clear with what he wanted. I guess I was hoping to change him. Womp
Author Mary Shadows Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 You weren't rejected. This guy is a total scum bag. You think you can sleep with this guy and you wouldn't catch feelings? You said yourself you don't sleep around. I'm guessing casual sex isn't your gig. That's a good thing! So you decide to experiment with this guy? You would be a lot worse off if he slept with you and then wanted nothing more to do with you. You believe women teach men how to treat them? So, in this case you have taught him that your own values and standards are flimsy and he can just waltz in and violate them at will. So you compromise your standards, offer yourself to be used, he stands you up and now you are thinking about how to validate yourself. Your validation would come by sticking to your standards. I think you feel guilt for allowing this jacka$$ to get you to lower your standards and then when you did he demonstrated that your standards mean absolutely nothing to him. Not trying to judge you, but really read what you are saying here. I think you should be glad you dodged this bullet. Don't be mad at him. Figure out why you let this guy who cares absolutely not one shred for you caused you to throw your values out the window. Totally agree with this^^^ You're correct. I am lying to myself if I actually thought that I wouldn't be effected by NSA sex with him. Thank you for pointing this out. I guess I am a bit lucky that nothing happened between him and I. So, this might be a silly question, but when I do see him again, because I will--what do you suggest I say, in case he brings this up? Do I say that I had a "mental relapse" and I shouldn't have agreed to NSA? I don't want to appear hot and cold. Or..is there no way to fix this?
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